This photo was taken 8 years ago today, the day before my due date. The last picture of me carrying Lily Kat. I can hardly believe I was so big! 💖
It was taken at my friend's baby shower. I met this friend where we were both taking classes at a local pregnancy center. She was due a couple months after I was and now has her healthy daughter here, as well as another daughter.
I remember being so proud to show off my Lily-belly. It was exciting to say that I was due the very next day! Of course my belly brought lots of attention. I remember how I was glad that I had been able to attend my friend's shower and that Lily hadn't been born yet.
I remember the sciatica pain and the feeling of floating. It is a sad thing to look back and realize my little girl was already gone when this picture was taken and I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware as to what the next few days would hold and how they would be unlike anything I ever could have imagined.
I remember how that night my sister, her friend, and I ate dinner at Pizza Hut. I loved having the cheese personal pan pizzas during my pregnancy. I remember sitting there, just so full of peace and excitement, thinking of my daughter and knowing I would get to meet her soon.
This photo was taken 8 years ago today at my sister's horse show in Hillsborough, NC. March 7th, 2010 was just one week before Lily's due date and 9 days before her birth. ❤️🐴
This popped up on my Facebook Memories today. I posted this the same day that the photo above was taken. I was eager for Lily to be born... what I didn't realize was those were the last days I'd have her here. I was in Hillsborough, NC and had no idea that in a matter of weeks, my baby girl would be buried in Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet, VA. Ruby commented on this post and asked to be reminded what her guess was for when Lily would arrive... I reminded her it was March 16th.
8 years ago tonight, Lily was jammin' out in my belly at the Copeland concert in Chapel Hill. I was only 11 days from my due date and 13 days away from Lily's birthday. 😋
definitely the only full-term preggo girl there ;)
my mom, sister, and I ready for the concert
Here are some photos of me meeting the band:
My friend Laura had her daughter "A" less than 2 months before Lily was born. We both really like Copeland and both went to see their concert in early March 2010. I found this correspondence between us that makes me smile. I want to document it here on my blog. :)
Me: Guess what! I'm going to the Copeland concert here in NC tomorrow night!! yaay! Thanks for telling me about it! Laura: lol, you're very welcome. That's so exciting! Let me know how it was. =] Me: Copeland was AWESOME! I got their autographs and some pictures with them after the show...the other bands were really good too, especially Dias Vail! They're really nice too! I was definitely the only preggo girl there haha. And I told them I just had to see them before Lily came! The drummer said I can tell Lily she's in the picture with them. lol. I said, yeah, I'm definitely raising her on you guys! If you meet them tonight, tell them your pregnant friend that saw them in Chapel Hill last night says hello! haha. My mom and sister enjoyed the show too...Wish we coulda gone with you and Nina, fellow Copeland lovers! You'll have to let me know how the show goes up there. It sold out here. They played a good long time and played most of my favorite songs! They are awesome live. Anyways, you guys have an awesome time tonight! Wish I could go again (but glad I got the chance to see them before they split up!) Laura: ah! I'm so happy! I'm so glad you guys got to go and that it went so well =]. yay!! omg, please tell me that you did not stand up for that entire show...oh my goodness, I could barely make it last night, more or less when I was nine months pregnant. lol. I couldn't stand up for more than like three minutes when I was late in my pregnancy, lol. Also, we missed that other band you said was really good, sadly. But we did get pictures and autographs and we told him what you said! lol. Nina talked to him about it when we were getting our pictures and he definitely remembered, of course. haha. He said that it was really cool. Okay, well. Anyways, I can't remember what else I wanted to say and/or respond to so I might add more later. Me: No, I didn't stand for the entire show. We found some pathetic little bench that left my back in agony! lol. You should look up Dias Vail. They are so good and kinda have the same sound as Copeland. I'm glad you had a good time!...I'm so glad you brought me up to the band! haha that's funny. So, yeah...I'm due Sunday. I had an appointment today. Lily's 6 pounds, 14 ounces, according to the ultrasound (not sure how accurate that is). I am going to be induced on March 18th, if she doesn't come before then. But, I have a feeling she will. I'm pretty miserable physically and am having all these changes, so I'm just waiting. But, I hope she holds off 'til Sunday so I can go to my friend's baby shower Saturday! ha
Reading this now hurts my heart a little bit, knowing everything I know now... Knowing that if she had been born earlier than I had hoped for, she might be here. Knowing that I was correct in thinking she would arrive before the 18th. Thinking of how perfect and healthy she was until suddenly she wasn't.
Today is full of precious memories for me. On this date 8 years ago - February 13th, 2010 - I had my Valentine's-themed baby shower. It was the day in between my Half-Birthday (yes, I celebrate those lol) and Valentine's Day. The Vancouver Winter Olympics were on at the time. I miss my little Valentine, but am incredibly thankful for happy memories like from that day. ❤️
I was 35 weeks pregnant. Everything was pink for my sweet little princess. I made the baby shower invitations. During my pregnancy, I got really into card-making. I spent hours in December making Christmas cards to send to basically everyone my family knows. The top left photo shows the two invites that I sent out. I kept two for myself and am so thankful I did. They are now in Lily's memory chest. One of the invitations was supposed to look like a heart-shaped chocolate box and the other one was supposed to look like a sweethearts candy box. On the back where there is nutrition information on candy, I had information about the shower. Also pictured in the top left photo is the "It's a GIRL" balloon from my shower that I keep in Lily's memory chest. The top middle photo is of the area in the kitchen where we had the "beverage center" where the ladies could have tea or other drinks. Also pictured are the gift bags I put together for my guests. I kept one of the bags that I created and now have that in my memory chest. The top right picture is of the cake we had at the shower. It was red-velvet, in honor of Valentine's Day. That's where I started the tradition of having red-velvet cake for Lily's birthday each year. It will always remind me of her now. It said "A Lily Among Thorns" from the Scripture verse Song of Solomon 2:2 "Like a lily among the thorns, so is my darling among the maidens." (in honor of her name, Lily.) The bottom left picture is of all the food we had at the shower. I *and Lily* ;) ate so much! It was delicious. We had strawberries (which were a huge craving for me during pregnancy) dipped in melted chocolate, crackers and cheese, cream cheese turkey roll-ups, cookies, and other Valentine's delights. The bottom center photo is of everyone that was at my shower. From left to right: my sister Emma, my mom, me and Lily, Jean, Sarah, and Stephanie. At that time, I had moved back to North Carolina recently and didn't know many people in the area, except those from years ago when I lived here. Most of my old friends were away at college or had moved to another state. We were planning on having another baby shower with family and friends when we went to Virginia in May. I got that dress at the Love in Bloom maternity store, which was across the street from the hospital where I had my prenatal appointments and where Lily was born. I also wore that same dress to Lily's Celebration of Life Service, about a month and a half later.
The bottom right picture is of the pink roses that were on display at my shower, which I dried out and now have in a vase in my bedroom. Also pictured is the scrapbook pink paper with a heart that everyone wrote a message to Lily and me. I now have that in Lily's scrapbook.
I was so proud to show off my big baby belly. We had lots of fun playing games and video recorded some of the shower. Some of the things people said were so funny and make me smile to go back and watch/listen. One of the games we played was people used toilet paper to guess how big around they thought I was and then they held it up to my belly to see how accurate they were. My sister and friend Sarah both got it exactly right! Some were way too long and I was like, geez, how big do I look?! Haha. I saved that piece of toilet paper that was the correct guess and am so glad I have it.
My shower was so much fun and I am so thankful for these precious memories with my sweet girl! It was a happy time and I treasure those happy memories! #AdventureswithLilyKat
Lily Katherine's new life in the womb was a symbol and reflection of the new life the Lord was cultivating within me.
How I miss those months when the presence of her new life was tangible and felt. With Fall approaching, I am reminded of the time spent with her.
From a poem I wrote for her: "As my belly grew throughout those months, so my darling did my love for you."
My heart stretched and grew in its capacity to love and embrace my daughter's life and God's plan for my life while my belly stretched and grew in its capacity to nurture life.
In the years since she left this world for her forever Home, my love has only proven to deepen with time. And the new life Jesus breathes on her legacy now mirrors the life He continues to bring me and many others because of her. 💕 #sacredpregnancy #sweetbabykicks #missingmygirl #Lilybelly
My precious niece, Harvest, recently fell asleep on my chest and I melted over how wonderful she is. 😌
Lullabies drifted into our ears. Not just an lullabies. Lily lullabies. The Jewel "Lullaby" album that I've written about many times before. One of my favorite pregnancy memories was listening to this album and how Lily would dance in my belly more than she ever did at any other time.
My sweet girl's perfectly formed little ears knew the tunes that now carry my niece into dreamland.
I can't listen to these tunes without tears welling up in my eyes over achingly beautiful memories. Wishing with all my heart I could have held Lily while she fell fast asleep to the same CD, as I do now with my niece. Smiling with knowing that though my arms did not, my womb did hold her, soothe her, comfort her, while she enjoyed these songs that became familiar to her. A love for this album is something these two cousins share and that is very special.
🎶 My love is as true as the oceans are blue,
and I always feel this way.
Just listen to the beating that keeps repeating.
My heart wants to say
Like Gala and Dali, it's you and me,
Forever and a day.
Forever and a day,
Always 🎶
~From "Forever and a Day," which is mine and Lily's song, which just so happens to be 3 minutes and 16 seconds long for my little girl born on 3-16. ❤️
This photo was taken 7 years ago today, the day before my due date. The last picture of me carrying Lily Kat. I can hardly believe I was so big! ❤️
It was taken at my friend's baby shower. I met this friend where we were both taking classes at a local pregnancy center. She was due a couple months after I was and now has her healthy daughter here, as well as another daughter.
I remember being so proud to show off my Lily-belly. It was exciting to say that I was due the very next day! Of course my belly brought lots of attention. I remember how I was glad that I had been able to attend my friend's shower and that Lily hadn't been born yet.
I remember the sciatica pain and the feeling of floating. It is a sad thing to look back and realize my little girl was already gone when this picture was taken and I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware as to what the next few days would hold and how they would be unlike anything I ever could have imagined.
I remember how that night my sister, her friend, and I ate dinner at Pizza Hut. I loved having the cheese personal pan pizzas during my pregnancy. I remember sitting there, just so full of peace and excitement, thinking of my daughter and knowing I would get to meet her soon.
Today my mom said we should do something special for Lily every day this week. So tonight we are going to have a personal pan cheese pizza at the same Pizza Hut on the same date. 🍕 ❤️
I have lots of special birthday things to share, but I am waiting to share it all in one post.
My Facebook Memories is full of excitement, well-wishes, and eager anticipation from 7 years ago.
Posts keep popping up of friends saying things like:
"Come on, Lily girl!"
"OMG I am getting soo excited for you as the days progress! Let me know when she arrives! I can't wait to see pics of her!"
"Keep us posted, sweet Hannah Rose."
"Hold her in just a few more days."
"Well at least it is a pretty number day and a pretty day over all. Don't forget to let us know something when you do have her! :D"
"Let me know what's going on seeing as I still have Lily's gift and I want her to be able to wear it before she grows out of it."
And me responding with thank you's and:
"I am SO ready! You will definitely see pictures soon after she's born!"
"I'll definitely keep everyone posted! I am so ready for her to get here! ughh"
I didn't know being born would mean saying goodbye. I didn't know that when I posted some of my responses, that she was already gone and I wouldn't get to share her sweet photos... at least not in the way I wanted.
My mom and I are both funny in that we like even number days better than odd. We told our friend, who was due a couple months after me (the one whose baby shower we went to the day before my due date), that we wanted Lily to be born on an even number day, so that's what she's referencing. She was born on one after all.
And my friend who said she hadn't given me Lily's gift never did give it to me. I didn't need it. I still wish I had gotten it from her.
This is a post I originally wrote and shared in 2015...
These memories on these dates are burned into my mind and heart...
It feels like I'm reliving the waiting and wondering when and how Lily's birth would unfold. There was so much excitement and anticipation. Only now I know what happened and when and how it did. And there is no way to ever change it.
My mom and I were talking this morning about how on this day in 2010 (March 11th) was my last appointment and the last time we'd ever hear Lily's sweet heart beating or see her alive on the ultrasound machine.
Here is an ultrasound image from that day. It's difficult to tell what you're looking at when the baby gets that big, but my friend Amanda who does ultrasounds told me her head/profile is on the left and her chest is on the right.
I was scheduled for an induction date of March 18th if Lily hadn't come before then. I still have the paper with the induction date on it (it's now in Lily's scrapbook).
This popped up on my Facebook Memories today... my post from this date in 2010.
And this is what I posted on yesterday's date in 2010... if only those had been real contractions and she had been born then.
What is so bizarre is that on that day, my mom was concerned that something was wrong with Lily. She was with me during the ultrasound and said it looked like Lily's head was smushed and her entire body slouching over, like she had no energy. The doctor called us in to discuss the induction date, but before we knew what he was going to say, my mom thought he was going to say there was something terribly wrong.
I don't remember if she ever mentioned that to me at the time. Honestly, even if she had mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have been too concerned. I never considered Lily dying as a possibility whatsoever. Before losing her, I don't even remember hearing or knowing the words stillbirth or stillborn. I saw something I wrote about it shortly after I had Lily and I didn't even use the word correctly.
Anyways, my doctor said everything was perfect at Lily's appointment. Her heart was beating steady and strong and it was just a matter of waiting on Lily to make her entrance into this world. Should my doctor have caught something? Did he miss something that might have saved her life?
The next day, March 12th, is the day that I had guessed Lily would be born when we made our birth predictions. Now, it's the day we believe Lily was born into Heaven. The reason we think that is because I started having a lot of sciatica pain and it felt as if Lily was floating in my stomach. I have had people ask how I didn't know she was gone, but it was my first pregnancy. How was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? I assumed she had gotten so big and ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel the kicks and punches like I once had (that's a common myth by the way). And I did feel movement, though looking back now it was such a strange feeling. Floating is the only word I can think of to describe it. It's a sad memory.
My mom said she kept asking me that weekend if I felt Lily moving because she was concerned. I assured her I did. She had not asked me that my entire pregnancy, so it's strange she started asking me then. If I had gone into the hospital because of lack of movement, might Lily have survived? I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these thoughts and questions.
On March 12th, my mom had a very strange feeling that Lily had died. Later, when she told one of her friends she had thought that, her friend said she thought the same thing on the same day. There was nothing to make them think that, but they did. I find this so strange.
This entire week holds many memories.
Today is the day I think about how if Lily were born on this date in 2010, she would be alive. We'd have the birthday girl here to celebrate and I'd be able to share photos from her party on a blog about her life, rather than a blog about her death too. It makes me terribly sad to think this is the last full day she lived on Earth. Why couldn't my body have gone into labor before it did, before she died?
If she'd been born today, if today were her birthday, she'd most likely be alive. That's a hard truth to grapple with. I missed meeting her alive and having her here with me (hopefully for the rest of my life) by just a few short days.
Today my mom and I are going to a friend's birthday. My mom said how we should be having Lily's birthday party instead...
Yesterday my mom was telling me how my niece wouldn't take a nap alone in her crib and was throwing a bit of a fit, but as soon as she picked her up and played the Jewel "Lullaby" CD, it made her fall fast asleep in her arms. 😴
This CD is sacred to me. Lily's perfect little ears knew these songs. 🎶 I got the CD while I was pregnant and some of my most treasured memories are of Lily squirming around wildly to this music. Lily's cousin obviously loves it like she did. Babies literally know music in the womb and she knew this album. This album that is symbolic of my pregnancy, and all my hopes and dreams for Lily's life, of my anticipating holding her after she was born and finally playing it for on the outside of the womb.
For a long time, I didn't want to share it with anyone. That might sound crazy, but it felt so Lily, so very precious to my heart. Then my perspective shifted and I now look at sharing these tunes as a way of sharing my girl... I have gifted multiple people with it, and everyone loves it. It touches my heart when people say that it reminds them of Lily.
I got a copy for my niece for Christmas. A few days ago, my sister-in-law was trying to get my niece to settle down for a nap while I was over, and she was going to play the CD. She asked first it that was okay. She knows what the CD means to me. I thought that was thoughtful of her. At first, I thought it would be okay... but a couple songs it, I realized it wasn't. Especially in March. I feel like I need privacy when listening to these songs because of the emotions that well up.
So back to the story from yesterday... I told my mom that I hope this album will always make her think of Lily. She said it does and it will. She told me that as she was listening to the bittersweet lullabies yesterday, she was crying so hard for her first-born granddaughter while holding her second. Remembering the little ears that knew and loved the very songs that were putting new little ears to sleep. 💤
We miss you, so, so much, Lily girl. 💕😢
Here is one of the songs from the album... I've got this one on repeat today.
This photo was taken 7 years ago today at my sister's horse show in Hillsborough, NC. March 7th, 2010 was just one week before Lily's due date and 9 days before her birth. ❤️
This popped up on my Facebook Memories today. I posted this the same day that the photo above was taken. I was eager for Lily to be born... what I didn't realize was those were the last days I'd have her here. I was in Hillsborough, NC and had no idea that in a matter of weeks, my baby girl would be buried in Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet, VA. Ruby commented on this post and asked to be reminded what her guess was for when Lily would arrive... I reminded her it was March 16th.
7 years ago tonight, Lily was jammin' out in my belly at the Copeland concert in Chapel Hill. I was only 11 days from my due date and 13 days away from Lily's birthday. 😋
definitely the only full-term preggo girl there ;)
my mom, sister, and I ready for the concert
Here are some photos of me meeting the band:
My friend Laura had her daughter "A" less than 2 months before Lily was born. We both really like Copeland and both went to see their concert in early March 2010. I found this correspondence between us that makes me smile. I want to document it here on my blog. :)
Me: Guess what! I'm going to the Copeland concert here in NC tomorrow night!! yaay! Thanks for telling me about it! Laura: lol, you're very welcome. That's so exciting! Let me know how it was. =] Me: Copeland was AWESOME! I got their autographs and some pictures with them after the show...the other bands were really good too, especially Dias Vail! They're really nice too! I was definitely the only preggo girl there haha. And I told them I just had to see them before Lily came! The drummer said I can tell Lily she's in the picture with them. lol. I said, yeah, I'm definitely raising her on you guys! If you meet them tonight, tell them your pregnant friend that saw them in Chapel Hill last night says hello! haha. My mom and sister enjoyed the show too...Wish we coulda gone with you and Nina, fellow Copeland lovers! You'll have to let me know how the show goes up there. It sold out here. They played a good long time and played most of my favorite songs! They are awesome live. Anyways, you guys have an awesome time tonight! Wish I could go again (but glad I got the chance to see them before they split up!) Laura: ah! I'm so happy! I'm so glad you guys got to go and that it went so well =]. yay!! omg, please tell me that you did not stand up for that entire show...oh my goodness, I could barely make it last night, more or less when I was nine months pregnant. lol. I couldn't stand up for more than like three minutes when I was late in my pregnancy, lol. Also, we missed that other band you said was really good, sadly. But we did get pictures and autographs and we told him what you said! lol. Nina talked to him about it when we were getting our pictures and he definitely remembered, of course. haha. He said that it was really cool. Okay, well. Anyways, I can't remember what else I wanted to say and/or respond to so I might add more later. Me: No, I didn't stand for the entire show. We found some pathetic little bench that left my back in agony! lol. You should look up Dias Vail. They are so good and kinda have the same sound as Copeland. I'm glad you had a good time!...I'm so glad you brought me up to the band! haha that's funny. So, yeah...I'm due Sunday. I had an appointment today. Lily's 6 pounds, 14 ounces, according to the ultrasound (not sure how accurate that is). I am going to be induced on March 18th, if she doesn't come before then. But, I have a feeling she will. I'm pretty miserable physically and am having all these changes, so I'm just waiting. But, I hope she holds off 'til Sunday so I can go to my friend's baby shower Saturday! ha
Reading this now hurts my heart a little bit, knowing everything I know now... Knowing that if she had been born earlier than I had hoped for, she might be here. Knowing that I was correct in thinking she would arrive before the 18th. Thinking of how perfect and healthy she was until suddenly she wasn't.
A sweet memory I have from this time 7 years ago is how friends and family gave predicted birth guesses for Lily, from the day she would be born, to the time and her weight.
The people I asked for guesses were my immediate family, the ladies at my baby shower, and friends on Facebook. I am thankful to have everyone's guesses documented in Lily's scrapbook. What a happy memory! Each date that would pass, we would say "so and so wasn't correct!" My brother, Joseph, had guessed her birthday would be February 29th, but then changed it to March 1st when he realized 2010 wasn't a leap year. I thought that was funny. ;)
It's interesting to look back now, knowing the answers: March 16th at 4:24 p.m. and 7 pounds 9 ounces.
My mom's friend, Ruby, is the only person who guessed the correct date. If you remember, Ruby just passed away last month. So this memory is extra special now. It's crazy to think that not only is the baby we were talking about gone now, but so is the person who guessed her correct birthday.
It was funny when she shared her prediction and asked what the prize was for guessing the closest. I jokingly asked her if that was the only reason she was participating, in hopes of a prize. She responded: "The prize will be getting to hold her the first time the winner sees her. That is enough. Ooooh, aaaaah, she is so cute, oh look at that little nose, oh her fingers are so tiny, look at those cute little feet, she looks just like her granddaddy Chuck. hahahaha." Ruby has finally gotten her "prize" of holding and meeting Lily. Instead of holding and meeting her on Earth, she and her husband attended Lily's Celebration of Life Service.
Her grandson was also born in March 2010. She had been my mom's good friend since they were 5 and 6. Their grandchildren would now be older than the age they were when they became friends. How special it would have been to have grandchildren growing up literally at the same time. Instead, they both did have grand babies born the same month, but one is now almost 7 and the other is a forever baby, buried in a cemetery in Virginia.
Oh, and there's my guess... March 12th. Now that's the date I believe that instead of her being born into this world, she was born into Heaven. That's when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating in my body. Maybe somehow deep down God gave me that date, knowing that's when she would be with Him for always.
I know I've shared before about how special the Jewel "Lullaby" CD is to me. My mom gave it to me when I was carrying Lily. I was filled with excitement when I thought of playing it for her once she was born, dreaming of rocking her while nursing and listening to these tunes that would cause her to drift off to sleep.
One of the most precious memories from when Lily was here was when I was driving over to a friend's house for a visit one day and had the CD turned up loud for my 30-minute drive. Lily moved so happily and wildly in my belly to this music! She loved it. Babies enjoy music in the womb and oftentimes remember it after they are born. I bet Lily would still love it to this day.
I love listening to the CD now, knowing Lily heard it with her own two perfect little ears.
My favorite song on the album, what I call mine and Lily's song, is "Forever and a Day." That song is 3 minutes and 16 seconds (3:16, like Lily's birthday). I've written about that song before. I even considered getting "Forever and a Day" on Lily's stone. I did get the phrase inscribed on a locket for her.
Anyways, another favorite of mine from the album is called "Sov Gott." It's a Swedish lullaby that Jewel wrote in the early 90s. According to her website: "The song was originally conceived during a road trip from San Francisco to Colorado when Jewel was 17. To help pass the time constructively, she decided to have her traveling companion teach her some rudimentary Swedish, starting with the alphabet and random words and phrases that interested her. When she learned several words and phrases (kiss, dolphin, wolf, sleep well and I love you for all time), she began writing a new song utilizing what she learned as the lyrics. The result was "Sov Gott," a simple fable where a dolphin has the misfortune to fall in love with a wolf."
Jewel said this about it: "The ill-fated love can never be realized by the animals from two different worlds, so each night they decide to meet at sunset, and wish each other good night and sleep well, and they kiss (OK, touch noses) at the shoreline, declaring eternal love. After they meet at sunset and touch, they also proclaim that tomorrow, "morning wakens when we kiss."
Here are the Swedish lyrics translated to English:
Sleep well, beautiful dolphin
Sweet dreams, my white wolf
We have love for each other
For each other
Forever
Sleep well, beautiful dolphin
Sweet dreams, my white wolf
We have love for each other
For each other
Forever
Sweet dreams
Sweet dreams, my white wolf
The morning wake up
Then we kiss
We kiss, kiss us,
Sweet dreams
Sleep well, forever
Sleep well, beautiful dolphin
Sweet dreams, my white wolf
We have love for each other
For each other, forever
Sweet dreams
Sweet dreams, my white wolf
The morning wake up
When we kiss,
When we kiss, forever,
When we kiss, forever
Sweet dreams
Sweet dreams
Sweet dreams
It is amazing that such simple lyrics written out of her elementary knowledge of Swedish can produce such a breathtakingly beautiful lullaby. This song, oh this song makes me ache for my Lily girl.
When I looked up the lyrics, I was struck that in a roundabout way, it describes our mother-daughter relationship. The dolphin and wolf were from two different worlds and could not be together. Lily and I are essentially in two different worlds right now, me in the temporal world, and she in the Heavenly and eternal one. We cannot be together right now either, though I long for us to be. For now, I too must declare my eternal love and tell her to "sleep well," only not forever as the song says, but rather the rest of my Earthly days. She is only asleep to this world, but always alive in Jesus. Now dolphins remind me of my girl.
Here is the song (email subscribers click here to listen).
According to Facebook Memories, I had an ultrasound on this date in 2010. Lily was 6 pounds and "had the cutest chubby cheeks ever!" My cousin Daniel commented and said his son Owen, who was born 3 months before Lily, had a better triple chin than her. It was a joke between us, how much our babies loved eating and who would be chunkiest. Memories like this make me laugh and my heart swell with joy... But at the same time, I don't think I'll ever not get the feeling I get when I think of her full life ending so soon. ❤️
Today is full of precious memories for me. On this date 7 years ago - February 13th, 2010 - I had my Valentine's-themed baby shower. It was the day in between my Half-Birthday (yes, I celebrate those lol) and Valentine's Day. The Vancouver Winter Olympics were on at the time. I miss my little Valentine, but am incredibly thankful for happy memories like from that day. ❤️
I was 35 weeks pregnant. Everything was pink for my sweet little princess. I made the baby shower invitations. During my pregnancy, I got really into card-making. I spent hours in December making Christmas cards to send to basically everyone my family knows. The top left photo shows the two invites that I sent out. I kept two for myself and am so thankful I did. They are now in Lily's memory chest. One of the invitations was supposed to look like a heart-shaped chocolate box and the other one was supposed to look like a sweethearts candy box. On the back where there is nutrition information on candy, I had information about the shower. Also pictured in the top left photo is the "It's a GIRL" balloon from my shower that I keep in Lily's memory chest. The top middle photo is of the area in the kitchen where we had the "beverage center" where the ladies could have tea or other drinks. Also pictured are the gift bags I put together for my guests. I kept one of the bags that I created and now have that in my memory chest. The top right picture is of the cake we had at the shower. It was red-velvet, in honor of Valentine's Day. That's where I started the tradition of having red-velvet cake for Lily's birthday each year. It will always remind me of her now. It said "A Lily Among Thorns" from the Scripture verse Song of Solomon 2:2 "Like a lily among the thorns, so is my darling among the maidens." (in honor of her name, Lily.) The bottom left picture is of all the food we had at the shower. I *and Lily* ;) ate so much! It was delicious. We had strawberries (which were a huge craving for me during pregnancy) dipped in melted chocolate, crackers and cheese, cream cheese turkey roll-ups, cookies, and other Valentine's delights. The bottom center photo is of everyone that was at my shower. From left to right: my sister Emma, my mom, me and Lily, Jean, Sarah, and Stephanie. At that time, I had moved back to North Carolina recently and didn't know many people in the area, except those from years ago when I lived here. Most of my old friends were away at college or had moved to another state. We were planning on having another baby shower with family and friends when we went to Virginia in May. I got that dress at the Love in Bloom maternity store, which was across the street from the hospital where I had my prenatal appointments and where Lily was born. I also wore that same dress to Lily's Celebration of Life Service, about a month and a half later.
The bottom right picture is of the pink roses that were on display at my shower, which I dried out and now have in a vase in my bedroom. Also pictured is the scrapbook pink paper with a heart that everyone wrote a message to Lily and me. I now have that in Lily's scrapbook.
I was so proud to show off my big baby belly. We had lots of fun playing games and video recorded some of the shower. Some of the things people said were so funny and make me smile to go back and watch/listen. One of the games we played was people used toilet paper to guess how big around they thought I was and then they held it up to my belly to see how accurate they were. My sister and friend Sarah both got it exactly right! Some were way too long and I was like, geez, how big do I look?! Haha. I saved that piece of toilet paper that was the correct guess and am so glad I have it.
My shower was so much fun and I am so thankful for these precious memories with my sweet girl! It was a happy time and I treasure those happy memories!
This came up on my Facebook Memories today... From now until Lily's birthday is full of posts like these. But even without these posts, I'd still remember. I miss my girl.
This cute post came up on my Facebook Memories, from 7 years ago today.
My active baby girl, always dancing and squirming around. This post I wrote at 35 weeks pregnant makes me all sorts of happy-sad now. It makes me wistful with memories of her moving. And more than anything, it reminds me of the full life she did live. ❤️ #missheralways #thirdtrimester #pregnancymemories
My mom and I were recently having a conversation about Lily and plans for her upcoming birthday.
She said that each January, she gets the same feelings that she got in 2010, the year Lily was born. The anticipation. The expectation. The excitement. The joy.
These feelings are familiar, yet distant.
The joy is contradicted in the sorrow of knowing what happened. How Lily's life ended so abruptly, without warning or cause.
I feel the same way about this month and the precious memories of the weeks leading up to Lily's impending arrival. They are bittersweet. But the bitter will never rob the sweet. The sweet will always outweigh the bitter.
A babyloss friend of mine whose baby daughter was stillborn on March 16th as well feels the same with the arrival of January. It's interesting that this month catapults our hearts back to the lead up to the births of our March baby girls. Her daughter Genesis would be 10 this year.
I wonder if it'll always feel this way...
This month also reminds me of Luke and how at this time of year, I was carrying him. It reminds me of the short time I had with his heart safely beating in this world. It reminds me of the memories of how everything played out in January to early February. It reminds me that just a year later Lily was born.
This time of year has both my babies written all over my heart.
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