If She'd Been Born Today

This is a post I originally wrote and shared in 2015...

These memories on these dates are burned into my mind and heart...

It feels like I'm reliving the waiting and wondering when and how Lily's birth would unfold. There was so much excitement and anticipation. Only now I know what happened and when and how it did. And there is no way to ever change it.

My mom and I were talking this morning about how on this day in 2010 (March 11th) was my last appointment and the last time we'd ever hear Lily's sweet heart beating or see her alive on the ultrasound machine.

Here is an ultrasound image from that day. It's difficult to tell what you're looking at when the baby gets that big, but my friend Amanda who does ultrasounds told me her head/profile is on the left and her chest is on the right.

I was scheduled for an induction date of March 18th if Lily hadn't come before then. I still have the paper with the induction date on it (it's now in Lily's scrapbook).

This popped up on my Facebook Memories today... my post from this date in 2010.

And this is what I posted on yesterday's date in 2010... if only those had been real contractions and she had been born then.

What is so bizarre is that on that day, my mom was concerned that something was wrong with Lily. She was with me during the ultrasound and said it looked like Lily's head was smushed and her entire body slouching over, like she had no energy. The doctor called us in to discuss the induction date, but before we knew what he was going to say, my mom thought he was going to say there was something terribly wrong.

I don't remember if she ever mentioned that to me at the time. Honestly, even if she had mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have been too concerned. I never considered Lily dying as a possibility whatsoever. Before losing her, I don't even remember hearing or knowing the words stillbirth or stillborn. I saw something I wrote about it shortly after I had Lily and I didn't even use the word correctly.

Anyways, my doctor said everything was perfect at Lily's appointment. Her heart was beating steady and strong and it was just a matter of waiting on Lily to make her entrance into this world. Should my doctor have caught something? Did he miss something that might have saved her life?

The next day, March 12th, is the day that I had guessed Lily would be born when we made our birth predictions. Now, it's the day we believe Lily was born into Heaven. The reason we think that is because I started having a lot of sciatica pain and it felt as if Lily was floating in my stomach. I have had people ask how I didn't know she was gone, but it was my first pregnancy. How was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? I assumed she had gotten so big and ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel the kicks and punches like I once had (that's a common myth by the way). And I did feel movement, though looking back now it was such a strange feeling. Floating is the only word I can think of to describe it. It's a sad memory.

My mom said she kept asking me that weekend if I felt Lily moving because she was concerned. I assured her I did. She had not asked me that my entire pregnancy, so it's strange she started asking me then. If I had gone into the hospital because of lack of movement, might Lily have survived? I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these thoughts and questions.

On March 12th, my mom had a very strange feeling that Lily had died. Later, when she told one of her friends she had thought that, her friend said she thought the same thing on the same day. There was nothing to make them think that, but they did. I find this so strange.

This entire week holds many memories.

Today is the day I think about how if Lily were born on this date in 2010, she would be alive. We'd have the birthday girl here to celebrate and I'd be able to share photos from her party on a blog about her life, rather than a blog about her death too. It makes me terribly sad to think this is the last full day she lived on Earth. Why couldn't my body have gone into labor before it did, before she died?

If she'd been born today, if today were her birthday, she'd most likely be alive. That's a hard truth to grapple with. I missed meeting her alive and having her here with me (hopefully for the rest of my life) by just a few short days.

Today my mom and I are going to a friend's birthday. My mom said how we should be having Lily's birthday party instead...

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I like to Think My Baby Girl Helped Hers Arrive Safely

Last week, I met my dear friend Amanda's baby girl, Maeleigh. She is absolutely precious and it melted my heart to hold her!

With Amanda

Maeleigh was born on Life for Lily Day, the same day that my friend Kristen's daughter Ryleigh Grace was stillborn. I recently blogged <--- (click the link to read more) about how I was in Virginia when Ryleigh was born and how the Lord worked it out for my grandmother and I to put together a comfort box for Kristen and attend Ryleigh's beautiful service. Kristen had her healthy first child on the exact same day Lily Katherine was born - March 16, 2010.

Amanda has always been exceptionally supportive about my grief and love for Lily. She has allowed me to freely talk about her, has asked questions about her, my pregnancy, my birth, etc., and has been a wonderful friend.

I was delighted when I found out Maeleigh was born on Life for Lily Day! Amanda and I had originally planned on spending that day together, in Lily's honor. Maeleigh hadn't been due for a couple more weeks and I was supposed to be in Virginia the week before when I was (I see now the Lord changed the dates because He knew everything that would unfold). He knew Maeleigh would be born on the 15th and so would Ryleigh Grace.

I had said I wished Maeleigh would be born on my birthday, August 12th, but the 15th was my second choice/guess.

Amanda texted me throughout that day to let me know the labor progress and finally that night, M was born and I saw her beautiful picture! We both celebrate our baby girls with each other.

The next night is when Kristen's mom wrote me to let me know about Ryleigh Grace being stillborn... Maeleigh and Ryleigh were both around 38 weeks gestation when they were born, having been due just a few days apart. And they were both born on August 15th.

Visiting with Amanda, we were talking about how crazy the similarities are... she said she was thinking how on her first day home with her baby, she knew my friend was burying her baby girl. The stark contrast of the two experiences leaves me breathless. Amanda is so precious in how she grieves with those who grieve, has been holding this family in her heart, and praying for them.

I told her that now every year when I see Maeleigh turning a new age, I'll think of the sweet little girl who should be the same age. With each milestone, my heart will break that Kristen is not experiencing the same thing with her daughter.

Amanda told me that she had started feeling decreased movement on the Saturday before M was born. Because of mine and Lily's story and how I emphatically speak out about the importance of kick counts, Amanda said she noticed it in a way she would never had if it weren't for Lily. She didn't even think about it with her first daughter.

She listened to her gut and went to her doctor's office to be monitored. Maeleigh's heart rate was low and Amanda ended up being admitted to the hospital to give birth.

Now, obviously I don't know what would have happened had she not gone into the hospital that day. But I do know because of experience that she could have lost her daughter too. I like to think that my precious baby girl helped this baby girl arrive safely and healthily. Just knowing others are being more mindful of their baby's movements shows me that Lily is making a lasting impact.

Learn about The Count the Kicks Campaign by clicking here.

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Through Different Lenses

I'm going to a childbirth class at a local hospital as a support person for a pregnant mommy.

Last night, the class facilitator asked the group if they've been counting their babies kicks and if their doctors have mentioned it to them. One mother said she had heard about it, but admitted that she hadn't been faithfully counting. She shrugged it off like it isn't serious. Another mom said she hadn't even heard about it. Most were silent.

I raised my hand and said something along the lines of "the Count the Kicks Campaign has a website where they explain how to do it, the importance of it, and they even have an App or a print-out page to keep track." The facilitator thanked me for sharing and that was that... class moved on.

My heart was racing when I spoke and in the moments after. This was an open door to share about something I am passionate about! But in the minutes afterwards, as I looked around the room and noticed that the parents seemed disinterested and didn't jot down the name of Count the Kicks to look up later, I felt sad and frustrated. I felt like I should have said more. Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?

I wish I'd really stressed the importance of counting baby kicks in the womb. I wish I'd shared that it has literally saved babies lives and reduced the chances of stillbirth. I wish I'd shared about my sweet full-term baby girl and how I lost her around her due date, for no known reason. I wish I'd stated how I wish I'd known about Count the Kicks while pregnant... but my doctor never mentioned it. I was naive and innocent about pregnancy, just as these parents are. I can't fault them for that and I hope that they give birth to healthy babies and maintain that naivety. But I feel like it is my duty to Lily and other babies who have been lost to stillbirth to share what I know... because of experience.

When you lose a baby, you see pregnancy, labor, and birth through different lenses. I didn't want to be awkward or make the parents fearful by looking through the same lenses, but they need to be knowledgable about stillbirth and how to help prevent it. That way they see but a glimpse into these lenses and don't have to clearly see it in the same way.

I am thankful that I was able to even mention it at all. I honestly wasn't expecting it to be brought up after wondering if it would be. I said what I knew to in the moment. I know more of what I want to say if it comes up again in the future. And I'm also planning on printing out a page with information about Count the Kicks (with a page for tracking) to give to the facilitator at the next class and encourage her to pass out at the classes she teaches. I'll at least be able to share with her and hope more can be done in the future. And I can pray that the Lord will remind these parents to look up Count the Kicks.

On another note, I see through my being able to go to this class and not completely lose it how God has healed me in many ways over the years. Yes, it is sad in a way to think about Lily and think about wanting to have more babies, but it's not unbearable. Jesus is carrying me and giving me what I need the moment I need it. He gives me difficult circumstances like this to show me how much healing He has worked in my heart.

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Count the Kicks

Today, September 6th, is Stillbirth Remembrance Day. It is a day set aside each year to honor and remember babies that have been stillborn. Still born. For me and other moms who have had stillborn babies, every day is stillbirth remembrance day because we remember our babies each day, each moment.

Honestly, before experiencing stillbirth myself, I don't remember hearing about it or even knowing what the word meant. I certainly never thought it could happen to me. After all, I was fullterm in a healthy pregnancy with a healthy and perfect beautiful baby girl. Everything was great, I was simply awaiting Lily's anticipated arrival.

That is until everything came crashing down around me in the early morning hours of March 16, 2010... when I arrived at the hospital in labor, 2 days past my due date. Her heart rate couldn't be detected by the nurse, so my doctor brought in the ultrasound machine. And it was then that the devastating news was confirmed. Her heart had stopped beating. Just stopped. No reason, no explanation. At some point in the 5 days since my last prenatal appointment, where her heart had been strong as it'd always been, it ceased. Her perfect heart that created the most beautiful melody.

In the days that followed, others asked me how I didn't know, how I couldn't tell that she was gone? The best way I know to explain it, the way I've heard other stillbirth parents explain it as well, is that we simply thought our babies had run out of room. I thought Lily was big and therefore that is why I didn't feel her as much. And I did feel her, only now looking back, the only way I can describe that is that she felt like she was floating. That's a haunting memory.

You don't think stillbirth happens.

You certainly don't think it'll happen to you.

Until it does.

You play and replay everything leading up to the moment you heard the life-changing words that your baby had died. You wonder how you could have changed what happened.

26,000 babies are stillborn every year in the United States.

Each baby represents a family that most likely never thought it could be them.

"Stillbirth is known as the great equalizer - if you think it can't happen to you and your child, you're wrong. Stillbirth strikes all races, all religions, all walks of life. And it happens much more often than anyone likes to think about." ~Heather Fettig

Stillbirth throws families into a world of burials and headstones, and endless missing.

There are some ways to fight stillbirth. Pregnant mothers and those who know pregnant mothers: please take note of the importance of counting kicks. Become familiar with your own baby's unique movement pattern and be sure to be aware if the movements are not typical. This has literally saved babies lives.

According to the Count the Kicks Campaign, remember these two things:

#1 - Babies do not run out of room to move. They will run out of room for somersaults but they should be moving all the way up to and during labor.
#2 - Call right away if you notice a change in your baby's movement pattern. Even if you have an appointment scheduled for the next day, do not wait.

Listen to your gut. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are being a nuisance or dramatic. I don't think pregnant mothers should be wound up tight and constantly anxious about tracking their baby's movement, but it should be an intentional thing.

Once a pregnant mom is into the 3rd trimester (28 weeks) it's time to start counting.

Here's how you do it, as shared by Count the Kicks:

-Count the Kicks every day, preferably at the same time.
-Pick your time based on when your baby is usually active, such as after a snack or meal.
-Make sure your baby is awake first; walking, pushing on your tummy or having a cold drink are good wake-up calls.
-To get started, sit with your feet up or lie on your side. Count each of your baby's movements as one kick, and count until you reach 10 kicks. After a few days you will be able to see a pattern for your baby.
-Most of the time it will take less than a half-hour, but it could take as long as two hours.
-Log your recorded times using our Count the Kicks App or a kick chart.

Count the Kicks National PSA

For more information, visit the Count the Kicks website.

Honor the babies who were stillborn and protect your own baby by counting the kicks. If your baby was stillborn, I'd love it if you'd share their name and birthday in the comments. ❤️

My Lily Katherine

March 16, 2010

4:24 p.m.

7 pounds 9 ounces

21 inches

Perfect and beautiful, but without a heartbeat

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