For me, one of those things I have had to accept that fact is with Lily's father's family. There was a lot of animosity and pain there between our two families. A lot of it was brought about because of the complicated mess our relationship was, our own immaturity, the fact that God wasn't honored in our relationship and so when I turned back to Him during my pregnancy it was confusing and heartrending. I take responsibility for my part in the dysfunction and pain.
I wish I could change so many things about that time and that relationship. I wish I could take back words I said, change my actions, change my responses, change so many things I know I did or didn't do that caused hurt. I ache over how everything turned out. If I think about it too much, I can be eaten up by the guilt, regret, and sadness I feel. When you don't follow God's pattern, it is a mess. Trust me.
I had prayed for an opportunity to somehow make amends, maybe even just a little. Last year around Lily's 5th birthday, I contacted Lily's grandmother (her father's mother), and tried to do just that. I didn't want to stir up any painful memories for her father, or disturb him in his new life in any way, but I wanted to say "I'm sorry" in the only way I know how. I told her I wanted to send her and her husband, as well as Lily's father, some keepsake items... her heartbeat recording, ultrasound DVD, photos, obituary, etc.
Well, I was able to see she read my message the very day I sent it. And she didn't respond. Still hasn't to this day. It honestly breaks my heart to think about. It feels like a rejection of me, yes, but even more than that... what hurts more than that... is that it feels like a rejection of Lily. Like why would they not want these items of her life? To remember their first-born granddaughter and daughter? Why couldn't she respond? It makes me feel like they no longer care about Lily or "count" her at all. I know Lily isn't even here to know or understand this rejection, and perhaps they do still care for her in their own way, but I can't stand the thought of half of her family not fiercely loving her and wanting to remember her always, as I do.
I have come to realize that in life, we may not always get the closure we so desperately desire, whether that be in a relationship or in a circumstance. But I have learned that we don't have to have closure or resolution in the way we imagine or hope for in order to find it. By the grace of God, we can find closure in Him, even when we don't have tangible closure... even when those conversations are not had, those tears are not shed face-to-face, and words of regret and remorse are never exchanged. I dearly wish I could have more direct closure with Lily's father and his family. But, I know that even if I never get that, the Lord can bring closure in my heart. I can work it out with Him. I can wrestle through the pain and regret and lay it at His feet. He knows and sees my heart and every experience, thought, question, etc. And He can carry those things for me.
Even if we don't have desired closure, it doesn't mean that one day we won't get it. The timing may not be right. God might still have to do some working in people's hearts to prepare them for that. It's in His hands. I reached out and did all I know to do. Now, it is up to Him to open up doors one day for further resolution. I won't pry open a door He has clearly not opened at this time. And I won't allow my ability to move forward to be based upon others.
I've also learned that we should do everything we can to seek forgiveness and to offer forgiveness. Things may not go the way we want, but the circumstances of how things play out are in God's hands. Our hearts must be pure before Him and we must be willing to do whatever it is He asks of us and be willing to let go of that which He asks us to.
Closure is found in surrender.
|Lily's hands with her daddy's hand|