Wednesday, November 23, 2016

In All Her Beauty

I have a "new" picture of Lily to share, which I can tell was taken shortly after she was born because of the hat she has on and the blanket she's wrapped in. With vulnerability and bated breath, I post it.

There are actually quite a few photos that I've not shared here because they are not good quality, I look awful in them, or the toll of death is too evident on my tiny little baby.

It's not that I think the photos are disturbing to look at, it's that I know others will think that. I can't bear that thought. I must protect her in the only ways I can.

I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable when I share photos of her, but she is perfect and precious (I mean, just look at that button nose) and she is my daughter. I want to show her off just like any other parent, and these are the only photos I have of my child. She was real.

I am incredibly thankful for the photos I do have, but looking at them isn't always comforting. I wish with every ounce of my being I knew what she really looked like, before death ravished her delicate form. I wish I could look at a photo of her and see only her beauty, untainted by the sting of stillbirth. It's not that I don't see her beauty, because I do... though I fear others won't. It's not that I cannot look past the uncomfortable and sad aspects of what stillbirth is and does. It's that I wish I could know what my own child looked like. I am haunted by that. I want to know what my baby looked like while in the womb alive. I want to know what my little girl would look like now at 6-years-old.

While I walk this planet, I will remain haunted by not knowing. I will always wish I might have had just one single moment to meet her with her eyes open and see her for who she really was. To have a photo to cherish always that truly captured Lily Katherine Allen-Ball... not merely her Earthly shell.

Oh, I ache for the day I will meet her in all her beauty. I find solace in that hope.


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This post left me:

11 comments:

  1. She is beautiful. Thank you for your post.

    When I read the name of your blog, my heart skipped a beat and went out to you in compassion and prayer. My name is Rose and my little baby's name was Lily Grace. We lost her April 21, 2016.

    Our hearts will heal. By the grace of God, we will heal. Thank you for writing this.

    R~


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    1. I'm so sorry for your loss. My 6th child was born still at 24w, April 8,2012. Her name is Lily Hope. Prayers of comfort, peace and healing xx

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    2. Lots of love, Rose.... How precious that we are connected with both the flower names. I'm so sorry you lost your dear little Lily. <3

      Yes, we will continue to heal here, and one sweet day, we will heal FOR GOOD!

      Hi Naomi too! Our 3 Lily girls. :)

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  2. Perfect words. Perfect Lily. Look at that beautiful face. Her smile is a beautiful mystery.. A secret

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    1. Thank you so much! Yes, I agree! Can't wait for the secret to be revealed one day. <3

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  3. I love this photo! Your Lily was beautiful! This is your blog, you can share as much or as little as you want. My Lily's body was so ravaged by hydrops and cystic hygroma that I only have 2 photos I am comfortable sharing. I don't look at the other pictures because they break my heart. Even on the scan photo we can see something was wrong with her health. We are not different, we like to share our best photos!

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    1. Thank you! For your kindness and encouragement.

      I'm thankful we will one day meet our babies the way they truly are. I would love to see your girl's photos if you'd like to share them with me. <3

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  4. Hello Hannah,

    She is SO beautiful! With tears welling in my eyes I write this...I just can't explain it, but when I saw the picture I was struck by how beautiful she is! I think it's a sweet picture...and I'm so sorry for your loss.

    ~Sarah H.

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    1. Aww Sarah, thank you so much! Your comment blessed me big time. I think she is incredibly beautiful as well, but it makes my heart swell with joy to hear others say the same. <3

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  5. Your Lily is absolutely beautiful! I lost my Ilana July 6, 2006 and my Ivey September 12, 2015. I struggle with wondering what my children would have looked like as well. I find a little comfort in believing that God will let me see my children some day.

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    1. Thank you! <3

      I'm so sorry for your losses. Praise God for the hope we cling to IN HIM.

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