When I was there over Christmas and had a few moments by myself at her grave, a surge of sadness filled my heart as I felt so alone in missing her.
I thought about how Lily's daddy doesn't decorate her spot, and maybe doesn't even visit at all anymore. He used to leave her lilies for her birthday each year, but I didn't see any last year. My family doesn't show much interest in going to her spot, definitely not like I do.
With these thoughts, this sad sentence resounded in my head: "If I didn't care about decorating her spot and keeping it looking nice, nobody else would."
I know that I have family and a friend who thoughtfully and generously decorate for me when I mail them things, and even take photos for me to see when I can't always make it up there myself for the change of seasons or holidays.
But literally if I didn't or could't tend to her spot, or if I didn't take care of the details so others could on my behalf, it would go unnoticed and unattended.
I'm her mommy, so of course I care more than anybody. But what if I am gone from this world? Would she ever have flowers at her spot? Would anybody pull the weeds and clean her stone to make it shiny?
Mostly it hurts that I feel alone. And like her daddy doesn't care anymore. It seriously feels like I am a single mother. Only I'm mothering my child's grave and legacy, rather than her vibrant, present life.