Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The Build-Up

My mom and I were recently having a conversation about Lily and plans for her upcoming birthday.

She said that each January, she gets the same feelings that she got in 2010, the year Lily was born. The anticipation. The expectation. The excitement. The joy.

These feelings are familiar, yet distant.

The joy is contradicted in the sorrow of knowing what happened. How Lily's life ended so abruptly, without warning or cause.

I feel the same way about this month and the precious memories of the weeks leading up to Lily's impending arrival. They are bittersweet. But the bitter will never rob the sweet. The sweet will always outweigh the bitter.

A babyloss friend of mine whose baby daughter was stillborn on March 16th as well feels the same with the arrival of January. It's interesting that this month catapults our hearts back to the lead up to the births of our March baby girls. Her daughter Genesis would be 10 this year.

I wonder if it'll always feel this way...

This month also reminds me of Luke and how at this time of year, I was carrying him. It reminds me of the short time I had with his heart safely beating in this world. It reminds me of the memories of how everything played out in January to early February. It reminds me that just a year later Lily was born.

This time of year has both my babies written all over my heart.


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