Another getting close to Lily's birthday March message that moved, humbled, and encouraged my heart right when I needed it:
"I have followed your blog posts for years. I stumbled across your website when I was searching if there were support groups or forums for people who ever had an abortion. I was feeling huge regret and sadness and your blog posts helped me get through it. It's still not something I openly talk about. I have a living child now. And I still struggle some days asking myself how I even deserve this beautiful, smart little one. I felt so much sadness reading about Lily. And I love that you have shared your story and continue to share her story as well. I pray that you too get your rainbow baby someday. ❤️ I wanted to reach out to you to let you know that your story is beautiful and I look forward to all the posts and emails."
Today is International Women's Day. I celebrate all the good gifts of being made a female. We are equal to men. We are also different. Equal doesn't mean the same. We are uniquely designed by God to compliment each other.
One of the things that makes being a female such an incredible honor and privilege is our ability to carry and nurture LIFE!
A man will never know what it is like to feel a baby's sweet movement in the womb. I have experienced that and it is one of the most incredible things in the world!
We as women can be strong enough to choose life and to reject the notion that we are too weak to be mothers alongside fulfilling other dreams. Why anyways does being a mother have to be seen as less than?
It is a sacred honor to have our lives and bodies transformed because of the life of another.
Today I was reminded of something I wrote a few years back:
I inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) grumble and complain about how my body changed after carrying Lily. I was once a fit and toned athlete. Then came Lily. Much of the time, I don't like how my body changed. I have the body of a mother whose carried a 7 pound 9 ounce 21 inch child to term, but no child here to show as the fruit of those months of nurturing and protection.
I'm trying to look at the changes to my body through different lenses. This body carried her all of her life. This body was my beautiful girl's only home before her Eternal Home. And it was her budding life that caused my widened hips and stretch marks. It was wonderful Lily, so how could I be upset about the changes? They silently speak that she was here. She was real. Each mark is a remembrance of my obedience to the Lord, in choosing life for my unborn child and not allowing shallow or fleeting concerns to govern choices that not only would impact me forever, but also the life of an innocent child.
Even how my body has changed from pregnancy is a reminder not to be overly concerned about things that are actually quite insignificant. I changed and grew so much (no pun intended) through the entire experience of my unplanned pregnancy and losing Lily. Embracing her life was a sacrifice of love.
I want the culture to recognize that a postpartum body is beautiful because WOW, women carry babies made in the image of God! The marks that come from such an awe-inspiring gift from above are nothing to be ashamed of. I want other young women faced with an unplanned pregnancy to realize that yes, their body might change, but it is not something to run and hide from, but rather a mark of life, honor, beauty, and sacrifice. The mark of motherhood. And our babies are worth every mark, every pound and inch gained, every change to our bodies and lives... no matter what happens. ❤️
9 years since the only memories I have "of your life." Seeing Barack Obama get inaugurated. Watching the Super Bowl. Cold winter weeks. Nausea. Consuming fear. Gripping panic.
My sweet baby who was only here for a few short weeks.
You were but a vapor, silently blowing through the chambers of my soul, leaving me changed by the secret beating of your heart. A heart that beat for much too short a time. A heart that bequeathed my own as "mother." ❤️ #LukeShiloh #February6th #2009 #6weeks #iregretmyabortion #redemption #missyoualways #itsaforeverchoice #postabortionhealing
I've been seeing a lot of talk swirling around recently after Planned Parenthood shared a quote with an article that claims abortion is the same thing as miscarriage.
Grieving parents who've lost a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth are clearly and understandably upset because of the reality of the stark differences. One is a deliberate taking of life and the other is an unintentional loss of life. This is obviously different.
But as someone who has experienced both, I'm here to share my thoughts.
While the losses are undeniably different, the grief over the losses can be very much the same (I know this is not a popular statement) because each results in the loss of one's own child and all their lives would have held. Not everyone regrets their abortion, so I'm not talking about them. I'm referring to the millions of women (and men), who do regret their decision to end the life of their unborn baby.
In February 2009, I chose for a heartbeat to cease within my body at 6 weeks gestation, and a year later another heartbeat would cease within my body that wasn't my choice. A baby who grew big and strong until she was suddenly lost 2 days past her due date. Both hearts beat on in Eternity. Both hearts changed mine. The ceasing of one left me with regret while the ceasing of the other left me with peace. The difference being the surrender to God's will.
As alone as I feel at times in loving and missing Lily, I feel even more so about Luke. I wonder how could I expect others to miss him when I didn't even know him? How could I expect others to love him when I loved him too late?
I feel like a fraud and a phony, when I know others believe I have no reason or right to grieve. After all, it was a choice I made. Some of the same people that validate my grieving Lily believe my grieving Luke is invalid. There are the rare friends who honor and remember Luke alongside me as well.
Doesn't regret flow out of choices that we wish we could re-do? Why do we have grace for other forms of regret, but not for this?
Once post-abortive women and men come to understand the depth of the painful reality of their choice, the last thing they need is further condemnation piled on top of them. What they need is compassion, love, grace, and mercy. Just as Christ has given each and every one of us.
Would we rather women not regret their abortions? We should be grateful for the empowerment of the witness of those who have awakened to the truth of the wrong they have done. Who better to testify to the ravages of abortion than those who have been through it?
Our compassion should be fueled by taking into consideration the confusion created by abortion being sanctioned by the law and by much of society. After all, if it's legal, it must be right and good. Living in a nation that constantly bombards us with messages of "choice," "rights" and "look our for number one," why should we be shocked when people actually live by these all-pervasive messages?
When we deny women the right to grieve, we are saying that that child's life who was aborted didn't really matter. Does that life not deserve to be grieved and acknowledged? Do the sins of the parents wipe out the validity and sanctity of the aborted child?
We fight for life and say we value it, yet why don't we give room and grace to those who've lost a baby in any way? Why do we silence these women and men and want them to "move on" without pause? Why do we tell them they can have another baby as if that somehow makes it okay that this baby died?
Unashamedly I say that both my babies lives matter. I grieve the loss of both of them. I have two children and no lack of understanding from others will change that truth.
It was a gift the Lord gave me when He opened up my heart to love both Lily and Luke as much as I do. And because of how much I love them, I miss them with that same great measure. The grief, in turn, is also a gift, for even that points to the sanctity of their lives and each life, no matter how brief! The agony of regret and guilt adds another dimension to the complicated grief over Luke.
As I've processed my abortion experience and pain over the past almost 9 years, I've grown to have grace and compassion for 19-year-old me, who chose to have an abortion. At that age, I convinced myself that somehow this page in the story of my life could be erased, torn out. That's what the deceiver whispered in my ear. But, now I see so clearly. It was a lie. And I was in such a place of vulnerability and desperation that I was willing, eager even, to believe it.
I realize this could happen to anyone given the right, or shall I say wrong, circumstances. I pray you will remember the same next time you come across a woman who is grieving her child lost through abortion.
It was this month in 2009 that this picture was taken and I wrote the following on this blog (one of my very first posts). I am so thankful to have these words that I wrote during that time. It is a gift to see my perspective at that point and to see just how much God was working in my heart and life.....
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I first heard the song "Little One" yesterday during the ending credits of the new movie, Sarah's Choice, starring Rebecca St. James. I had been eagerly anticipating the release of this movie that portrays a single woman who must make the decision whether she is going to choose life or death for her unborn child. My expectations for this movie were definitely met! In fact, more movies like it need to be made. The story really struck a chord in my own heart because in the story of my own real life, I am dealing with a situation very much like this one. The story is raw and it is powerful and I feel like I understood everything "Sarah" was experiencing.
This song will always be incredibly special to me.
Hush my baby be still inside me
Rest my child all is well
Hush my baby grow inside me
You are safe there my little girl
I can't believe that I would ever think
That you were not to be
But darling mommy feels like a child herself
I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always
Hush my baby I'm dreaming of you
Wondering just who you'll become
Hush my baby, smile inside me
Warmed by knowing you are loved
I can't believe that I could ever think
Of life without you
But darling mommy sometimes feels afraid
I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always
I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always
Hush my baby, smile inside me
Warmed by knowing you are loved
Over the past few months, I have had to make the decision about what "choice" to make with my own unborn child. Then, I realized the choice was never mine to make. God gives and God takes away. I feel like the words to this song truly echo the words that my heart longs to express. How could I have ever lived my whole life without knowing my precious daughter? How could I have gone without ever holding her, kissing her, knowing her? I can't fully explain the joy and peace I feel these days and months that I'm carrying my baby. Feeling her kick and move is unbelievably exciting and amazing! It seems like whenever I try to let someone feel, she always stops! But, my little sister finally felt her kicking last night! Just knowing what is going on inside my body is enough to keep me thinking and pondering forever about God's goodness.
What once seemed to be the thing that would end my life is now one of the reasons that I live. Sure, my life is going to be different now than what I had originally dreamed or anticipated. But, God has so much planned for this little life growing inside me! And so much planned for me! He is already giving me a new vision and new dreams for my life! I now see that being unmarried and pregnant is not a sin in itself, but what got me here was the sin. My baby is not a sin. She is still a blessing and nothing to be ashamed of! I have turned from my sin and walked away, and God is blessing me for that. He is taking a situation the world would look at as horrible and is bringing Himself glory and changing my heart for the better.
My sweet Lily almost never got the chance to live. But, my God saved her! Praise You, Jesus, for changing my heart and saving my child! And God saved me. He is truly an awesome, amazing God with a heart full of love and compassion. God, teach me how to love this baby. Teach me how to be a wonderful mother. Give me Your heart, patience, guidance, strength, wisdom, love, and peace. I feel so inadequate to be entrusted with such a great responsibility! But, I know You alone will give me what I need to get through each new challenge and each new day. And when that day comes, which is soon, that this lily-white princess is born, I will truly be looking into a face showcasing Jesus' love, forgiveness, and redemption. I long for the day I can gaze into her blue and curious eyes and know that I made the right choice. Life. And what a beautiful choice it is!
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Reading what I wrote, I see how the Lord was giving me a mother's heart of love for my child. It is bittersweet to read these words. Bitter because I never did get to gaze into Lily's blue and curious eyes. Sweet because of how she changed my life.
I wrote this post to say that I was thankful that I had chosen life for my baby. At that point in time, I never would have wished it any other way. I want to say right here, right now, that even though things didn't end up the way I thought they would (they were already going to be so different than what I had planned when I wrote this post), I am still so thankful that I chose not to have an abortion. Life is still a beautiful choice, when your baby lives and when your baby dies. It is still the right choice. As I wrote in my post, God gives and God takes away. Though I never could have dreamed He'd take her so soon, I still believe that Lily's life, and death, was/is in His hands. And He is still teaching me how to be her mommy. ❤️
The month of August 2009 is when God intervened in my life and radically altered my life, through my unborn baby, my darling Lily girl. Each August, I am flooded with memories of His faithfulness, in both the huge things and the smallest details that He used to speak to me. I like to share the blog entries about that time each August to share of His great love and faithfulness. I will call the posts the "August 2009 Series."
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The summer months cause me to reflect upon the beginning of Lily's life and legacy and the time that I got pregnant with her and my life was turned upside down in the best way possible.
When I got pregnant with Lily, I took the Plan B pill. I find it so incredible that despite my attempts to keep a baby's life from beginning, her life was sustained by God. He so obviously sent her to Earth for a purpose.
Against all odds, He preserved her life. He protected her from the morning after pill and the planned abortion. He preserved her life within me, even though the powers of hell were waging war against my soul and her very life. He fought mightily to save us both. His victory speaks that He is the most powerful of all and nothing stands in the way of His plan.
That's how I'm certain that her death was in His hands... because of how He so fiercely preserved her life. He wouldn't have allowed her to purposelessly perish. Her life and death were not a surprise, but planned from the beginning of time. The enemy didn't win. Jesus is still Victor. Lily still lives. And because of His sacrifice on the cross on my behalf and what He did in me through my daughter, I will live with them both forever.
The month of August 2009 is when God intervened in my life and radically altered my life, through my unborn baby, my darling Lily girl. Each August, I am flooded with memories of His faithfulness, in both the huge things and the smallest details that He used to speak to me. I like to share the blog entries about that time each August to share of His great love and faithfulness. I will call the posts the "August 2009 Series."
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Every so often, I will remember something totally random from my pregnancy with Lily. Because I have been busy working on my pregnancy scrapbook lately, it seems I have been remembering more. I want to be sure to write all these things down so I never forget the precious time when she was alive within me.
One particular memory I have been thinking about over the past couple days happened in mid to late August 2009. I was around 11 or 12 weeks pregnant at the time and was working at a little restaurant in my hometown in Virginia.
It is amazing how things you haven't thought of in years can suddenly be so vivid and clear in your mind. As I remember this day, it feels as if I am back there on that hot August summer afternoon. The sky was clear and blue and the sun was warm on my skin. I remember I was wearing a green shirt I often wore and my favorite pair of jeans. It's almost like a movie and I am watching myself but also experiencing it again myself (I don't even know if that makes sense).
I had just celebrated my 20th birthday. God had been changing my heart so much in such a short amount of time. He kept me from going through with having an abortion on August 15th. My baby was still safe and alive.
At my job each week, we would receive a shipment of supplies and food needed for the coming week and I would help carry in the heavy boxes. Well this particular day, I remember so clearly thinking that I better not lift anything too heavy because I was pregnant and I didn't want to hurt my baby. Nobody I worked with knew I was pregnant. I hadn't even shared the news with my family yet. Only my child's father and a new friend who had also experienced an unplanned pregnancy knew.
This is one of the first times I recall feeling my motherly instinct to protect my child. It brings happy tears to my eyes to think of this because I was in despair not long before this day. But look how God had breathed LIFE into me and was giving me hope that can only come from HIM. Hope for my life and the life of my child. Assurance that He would give me everything I needed the moment I needed it and that He cared more for my unborn baby than I could ever know or comprehend. I knew we were in His hands. He was giving me a heart of love and the desire to care for and protect my sweet babe.
I remember my heart smiling on this August afternoon and a real smile finding it's way to my face, as an overflow from my heart. It was one of the first times I was excited to be pregnant, despite my circumstances. I had a baby in my belly! And for a short while longer, it felt like it was a precious secret shared between my sweet child and myself...
That was the beginning of my desire to protect Lily's life. Now I have a desire to honor her legacy.
People reach out to me on a regular basis to ask what I'd say/write to someone they know who is facing an unintended pregnancy and is considering abortion. I thought it'd be a good idea to share my heart in an open letter, so I have it always ready to share and so others can share it too.
How can a positive sign on a pregnancy test change everything so abruptly? Yet somehow it does.
My heart goes out to you because I know how alone and terrified you must be feeling. I know that multiple possible futures are flashing through your mind and you're feeling the immense stress of trying to figure out which one is best. Not only for you, but for someone else now too.
I can truly say "I get it" because I do. These are not empty words, but words from someone whose walked in similar shoes. Twice.
I know the fear, the dread, and the shame that are all-consuming, sweeping over your entire being. It can feel like you are the first person whose gone through this and that somehow your circumstances are uniquely challenging, causing abortion to seem like the most reasonable and desirable choice.
The first time I faced an unintended pregnancy, I chose to have an abortion. I took the little pill that I thought would solve all my problems. It didn't. Blinded by my fear, I thought my pregnancy was a problem that needed fixing. After all, I was only 19, was not married, and not in a place in my life where I thought I was ready to welcome a child into this world. There are many reasons why I sought out an abortion.
Because I was only 6 weeks gestation and it wasn't a surgical procedure, I convinced myself it wasn't really an abortion. After all, I hadn't felt any fluttering in my belly yet, hadn't heard my baby's heartbeat, and hadn't seen my belly growing round with life.
Culture told me I could decide whether or not I was ready to be a mother. I know it's easier to think of this as a pregnancy, rather than a baby. I wish I had known my baby's heart had already begun beating. I wish I had realized that my child had its own unique DNA that would never be replicated again.
I wanted a quick fix and for my life to get back to normal. Little did I know the abortion would change me forever. The counselor at Planned Parenthood had told me if I was still feeling sad a couple days after the abortion, that would not be normal and I should seek help. How wrong she was. I dug myself deeper into a pit of destruction and despair, constantly trying to ease to ache that reached into the core of my soul.
Half a year later, I found myself completely broken and numb, with another positive pregnancy test in hand and that familiar panic and fear gripping my heart. Yet again I thought I knew what must be done. Yet again I scheduled an abortion appointment.
God whispered to my heart that I had come to a fork in the road in my life and had a very big decision to make. He showed me that if I chose to have another abortion, I couldn't imagine the pain and darkness that would follow, but if I chose life, I couldn't imagine the beauty that He would bring. On an August evening around dusk, I was watching the pink clouds dance across the sky, when suddenly the decision became clear to me: I had to obey Him and choose life. Suddenly all my fears melted away when the light of truth shined on my heart. I knew my God would be with me and would give me everything I needed to face the journey ahead.
Instead of ending her life, my Father in Heaven gave me the courage to embrace her life, and then put His love for her within me, even when I was selfish and broken and had none of my own to give.
After a healthy pregnancy, my daughter Lily Katherine unexpectedly passed away at full-term and was delivered 2 days past her due date, on March 16, 2010.
You might think to yourself that Lily died anyways before birth, so what's the big deal, why shouldn't I have gone through with the abortion and saved myself the heartache of her untimely death? You see, she may have died, but she LIVED first. And she did not die before the purposes for her life were put into motion by the one who crafted her life and legacy before the foundation of the world. She didn't die before she changed my entire life, future, and calling. My child died with dignity, rather than at the hands of an abortionist, paid for by her mother. God had His will for her life and in my life, rather than me having my will and playing god in taking her life myself. It is the Lord who gives and takes away.
Lily's new life in the womb was a reflection of and the instrument used by God to bring me to life in Him. Her name means "purity and innocence," as a symbol of my redemption in Christ.
Even though she died, I would never choose another way. The loss of her is so different than the loss of my first baby. She died with dignity. I promise you the Lord will give you what you need to choose life and obey Him. Take it from someone whose chosen both ways. No matter what happens, whether you choose adoption or parenting, whether you're baby is stillborn like mine was or whether they are born completely healthy. Know that no matter what happens, when you obey the Lord and choose life, He will give you what you need.
Many of the beautiful things in my life now are because of my choice of life - the friendships, the passions, the joy. When you choose life, no matter the outcome, it is the right choice, a choice I've never regretted! However, I will forever regret my abortion and long for the first child of my womb. The things that seem so overwhelming in the moment won't always feel that way. The problems of an unplanned pregnancy are temporary, but the scar of abortion lasts forever. I ache each year when the time of my abortion comes around (February), as well as the time when my child would have been born (Autumn). Maybe you need someone to tell you that you aren't alone. Don't believe you are for a second. There have been many who have gone through this before you. And there are those there to support you. Because I know you need emotional, physical, and spiritual support and for others to walk hand-in-hand with you on this journey. Look into your local pregnancy resource center. They offer classes and have baby boutiques and can point you towards getting more help in your community. The Lord will guide you in what He has specifically for YOUR life. I seriously considered adoption and have a dear friend who did place her son for adoption. It is painful, but so beautiful at the same time. To talk with someone and find a pregnancy resource center near you, visit OptionLine and Care Net.
Oh dear one, I don't know your unique life story and what exactly you are facing. I don't know the circumstances surrounding your baby's conception. What I do know is that Jesus sees and understands what you're going through. He will guide you. Just as He reached out His hand to me, He is reaching it out to you too. He will give you just what you need the moment you need it.
I know that you are at a fork in the road in your own life and story and it is now up to you to decide which path you will take. No matter what you decide, your life is now changed. It doesn't have to be over though. Will you find the courage to choose life, to embrace your baby's life? I pray you do. Your baby's life has purpose. There are beautiful blessings up ahead that your heart cannot yet fathom. The life growing in your womb can be a reflection of the new life Jesus can and will work in you through your baby. He redeems. He restores. Nobody is ever too far gone. As Corrie ten Boom said, "there is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." I'm cheering you on and am always here if you need someone to listen and pray with and for you. I would be glad to help you find resources in your area.
The month of August 2009 is when God intervened in my life and radically altered my life, through my unborn baby, my darling Lily girl. Each August, I am flooded with memories of His faithfulness, in both the huge things and the smallest details that He used to speak to me. I like to share the blog entries about that time each August to share of His great love and faithfulness. I will call the posts the "August 2009 Series."
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I want to share something I wrote in my journal in August 2009. I remember where I was and how I felt when I wrote it. I felt so desperately lost, yet still had a small glimmer of hope. I have journaled most of my life, but when I was living apart from Jesus, I couldn't write anymore. My writings are my prayers and I didn't feel close to God anymore. I felt I couldn't face Him because I didn't want to face my sin. I was ashamed... of the lifestyle I was leading, that I wasn't walking in purity, and that I'd chosen to have an abortion. The first journal entry I wrote in probably over a year was on August 6th, 2009. Each time I read it, my heart recalls the brokenness and deep sadness I felt. I realize now that the Lord wanted me to write it so that I would always remember the dark place I was in. I would remember how I came face-to-face with my wretchedness, realized I was nothing and had no strength, and cried out to my Mighty Rescuer. He ran to my rescue! Just days after I wrote this is when God turned my world upside down and changed me forever. All He was waiting for was for me to cry out to Him. And He's waiting for you to cry out to Him. Watch as He runs to your defense and your rescue! What a contrast to see where I was in the beginning of August 2009 and the journey God brought me through, ultimately resulting in Him winning the battle! I want to share a part of that journal entry to show you just how deep in the pit I was in... and I hope and pray that as you can see me now, you will realize that "there is no pit too deep that God's love is not deeper still." - Corrie ten Boom August 6th 2009 "How can one person feel so alone in a world with billions of people in it? With all the big cities? Yet, I feel like I'm the only one whose felt these feelings, these hurts, the only one whose had these thoughts. I just want Jesus. But, I feel so far from Him. Could I ever experience healing and forgiveness for the things I've done? The mistakes I've made? How could I have done these things? That trap me...slowly kill me. I feel all alone. No one knows my heart, my longings, my every sin. Except Jesus. I am utterly brokenhearted. I never knew I could feel like this. I'm trapped. I don't know how to break free. Lord, break me free. Make me whole again. Hold my heart. Hold me so close to You and never let me go! My soul is lost. The world got a hold of me. Yet, I feel You gently pulling me to You, with tears in Your eyes...Ready to hold me, cry with me, laugh with me, and make me new again. I never dreamed I could be hurt in the ways I have been. You are a beautiful God who is there for the weak and brokenhearted. This song by Bethany Dillon keeps running through my head: "The orphan clings to Your hand, singing the song of how he was found. The widow rejoices, for her oppressors are silenced now. The runaway falls at Your feet, You are what he has searched for. The rich man is broken, when he stands beneath a sky full of stars. And You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor. You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. When You could just be silent and leave us here to die...Still You sent Your Son for us...You are on our side!"
God, I need You. From the depths of my soul, I cry out to You! Save me...from myself, from the enemy, from the world. I am broken. I am scared. You are literally all I have. Is that what You want me to feel? Do You want me to cling to You? You're my only hope and that's true. I can't keep living without You...it's eating my very soul. There are so many things in my life I would have and should have done differently. And, Lord, I know You want to save us from our sins. To wash them away and make us white as snow. You give us a way out...Looking back on my life, You gave me a way out of my pain and misery before I even made the bad choices I did. I'm so sorry. I want You, all of You forever. Break the chains of anything not of You! And hold me in Your strong arms! Fulfill Your purposes in my life. Amen." This is the song I wrote the lyrics to in my journal. It played in my mind so much during that time as I realized the heart of mercy and love that the Father has for us! He is truly on our side, wants to rescue and redeem us, and strengthen us to carry our His purposes for our lives, for His glory! As I listen to it now, it gives me chills to remember how hard He fought for me, how He never left my side, He wooed me, romanced my heart, captivated me. This song will always be so special to me and remind me of August 2009.
I inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) grumble and complain about how my body changed after carrying Lily. I was once a fit and toned athlete. Then came Lily. Much of the time, I don't like how my body changed. I have the body of a mother whose carried a 7 pound 9 ounce 21 inch child to term, but no child here to show as the fruit of those months of nurturing and protection.
I'm trying to look at the changes to my body through different lenses. This body carried her all of her life. This body was my beautiful girl's only home before her Eternal Home. And it was her budding life that caused my widened hips and stretch marks. It was wonderful Lily, so how could I be upset about the changes? They silently speak that she was here. She was real. Each mark is a remembrance of my obedience to the Lord, in choosing life for my unborn child and not allowing shallow or fleeting concerns to govern choices that not only would impact me forever, but also the life of an innocent child.
Even how my body has changed from pregnancy is a reminder not to be overly concerned about things that are actually quite insignificant. I changed and grew so much (no pun intended) through the entire experience of my unplanned pregnancy and losing Lily. Embracing her life was a sacrifice of love.
I want the culture to recognize that a postpartum body is beautiful because WOW, women carry babies made in the image of God! The marks that come from such an awe-inspiring gift from above are nothing to be ashamed of. I want other young women faced with an unplanned pregnancy to realize that yes, their body might change, but it is not something to run and hide from, but rather a mark of life, honor, beauty, and sacrifice. The mark of motherhood. And our babies are worth every mark, every pound and inch gained, every change to our bodies and lives... no matter what happens. ❤️
Being pro-life is not merely being part of a movement or a cause. It's not only speaking out against abortion, but rather an all-encompassing view of life and way of life. It's treasuring the sanctity of life that flows from a heart of praise to the Giver and Creator of Life. It's taking flowers to and visiting the grave of a friend's baby on their birthday in Heaven. It's awakening to the beauty and utter miracle of each breath given, to the gift of each day, each sunset, each touching song, each blooming flower, each crashing wave that only goes as far as His sovereign hand allows. It's not taking any day with your loved ones for granted. It's grieving with the mother whose baby was miscarried and validating that their life, though brief, matters immeasurably and will never be replicated. It's giving the post-abortive man or woman grace to wrestle with the reality of their choice and permission to mourn. It's financially and practically supporting the mother who has bravely rejected abortion. It's opening your heart and home to foster and/or adopt. It's ministering to the needs of the homeless in our communities. It's laughter. It's courageously facing cancer and dying with dignity. It's entrusting the Lord with life and death. It's being a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. It's walking in purity and honoring the temple He dwells within. It's turning to Him for spiritual, emotional, and physical wholeness, and directing others to do the same. It's seeing His fingerprint on every created thing. It's seeing His image in every human, no matter their age, level of development, or contribution to society. It's recognizing the unique gift that those with physical or intellectual disabilities offer to this world and can teach us all. It's putting others above ourselves. It's all this and so much more. It's living pro-life. So when I say I am pro-life, please don't put me into a box of your own understanding.
About Arise Sweet Sarah: "As told through a powerful combination of song, dance, narration, and symbolism, Arise Sweet Sarah shares one woman's journey of choices and rise to healing in the arms of her King. Dance with Sarah through the stages of her life and the choices she makes, as she discovers the power of love, forgiveness and joy."
Sandy Arena, who is a post-abortive mother herself, has given a unique gift to other parents living in the aftermath of "choice." For the second year in a row, I watched this on the anniversary date of my abortion, which was yesterday. I am captivated by the beauty and depth of every aspect of this production. I saw so much of myself in Sarah and felt the same emotions, as I recounted my own experience.
Some scenes caused my heart to weep over the lives lost and the pain and regret that touches many people because of abortion, while other scenes caused my heart to soar because of the hope, redemption, and restoration we have in Christ. It is incredible how dance can capture many deep emotions.
My mom and I were so moved watching this together, especially as the credits rolled across the screen that showed the film dedications, "to the children who never had a chance to dance," including #mytwoLs - Luke Shiloh and Lily Katherine. They had sections for babies who were lost through abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, shortly after birth, and those who were given the chance to dance through the loving choice of adoption. It's always special to honor both my babies at once.
Watching Arise Sweet Sarah is a beautiful way to honor, remember, and celebrate Luke Shiloh's life each year.
It is not only a gift for those who've experienced an abortion, but for everyone. It gives a glimpse into this journey and hopefully will help others have more compassion and have a fire ignited to help other women not have to live with this regret.
Thank you Sandy, for the hard work, dedication, courage, and vulnerability it took to put this together. God is using it to help heal hearts.
❤️ Seraphina and Simon ❤️
You can watch Arise Sweet Sarah on Amazon Prime or on Vimeo below (email subscribers click here).
This is a Christmas post I originally shared in 2012:
I remember hearing this song in years past, but forgot about it until a couple weeks ago when I was driving down the road listening to the Christmas station. Tears filled my eyes as I listened to the words..."a baby changes everything," and thought of how my own two sweet babies changed everything for me.
A baby changes everything...
A precious baby named Jesus came to Earth to change everything. It's because of his birth and death that my entire life is changed. He was sent to Earth to rescue me...to redeem us all.
A precious baby girl named Lily was sent to save me, her mommy.
Though I am so thankful for her life, at times I am consumed with missing her and thinking about her death. I want our home to be filled with her life. Her cradle sat by my bed and waited for a little girl who would never come home. It was only ever empty and desolate of her life. The cradle that still remains empty.
Empty Cradle custom piece from The MidnightOrange
Yet, the Lord has whispered gently to my heart that my cradle that sits bereft of a child isn't empty. I saw someone who was also touched by babyloss explain it before, though I can't remember who, that because Jesus was placed in a manger over 2,000 years ago, He filled our empty cradles with hope, joy, peace, love, and life.
He alone makes the empty cradle in my heart and home bearable. His promise of Eternity with her and Him makes the empty cradle filled.
I know that though my cradle is empty and will never be filled with Lily or Luke this side of Heaven, they will fill my arms for all Eternity.
Baby Jesus was everything we all needed, and Lily was everything needed to bring me back to Himself.
I don't know if I will ever fill that empty cradle here, though I so long to. I know that the emptiness of the cradle at times will overwhelm me, but I also know my Jesus is enough to comfort me and satisfy my longing heart. Whatever your "empty cradle" is, He is able to fill it with His love and peace.
This is something I shared on my blog 2 years ago this month that touched my heart re-reading it, so I want to share it again:
When I was in Charlottesville a couple weeks ago on our girl's trip, my sister, friends, and I went to Kroger to get a few snacks.
This is the same Kroger I went to in the summer of 2009 to get the pregnancy tests that confirmed Lily was on her way. There's currently a lot of construction and changes going on, so it looks very different than how I remember it. I don't think I've even been there since that summer.
I picked out a lovely fresh bouquet of flowers to take to Lily's spot and just felt very sad at how everything turned out, how much I never could have dreamed things would go in the past 5+ years.
From the beginning of Lily's life, getting those pregnancy tests, and all the crazy emotions that came with that.... to the end of Lily's life, getting flowers for her headstone, and all the crazy emotions that come with that.
It also made me think of a poem I wrote this June where the last part says, "That positive sign too soon turned to words etched in stone. It all started with those two lines in June."
Oh, the irony of getting one thing that marked the beginning of her life at the same store that I am now getting another thing that marks the end. That positive sign too soon turned to flowers for a stone.
But you know what the beautiful part in it all is?
The beautiful part is how God changed my heart in the time between that pregnancy test and those flowers... how at first I saw my unborn child as a burden. And how now I see her as a blessing and love her more than anyone in this world. And how I got her a beautiful stone and take her fresh flowers because I love her so much.
The sadness I feel in missing her is even a tribute to how God changes our hearts at the core, and a testimony to the sanctity of each irreplaceable, precious life. 💕💐🎃
It was this month in 2009 that this picture was taken and I wrote the following on this blog (one of my very first posts). I am so thankful to have these words that I wrote during that time. It is a gift to see my perspective at that point and to see just how much God was working in my heart and life.....
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I first heard the song "Little One" yesterday during the ending credits of the new movie, Sarah's Choice, starring Rebecca St. James. I had been eagerly anticipating the release of this movie that portrays a single woman who must make the decision whether she is going to choose life or death for her unborn child. My expectations for this movie were definitely met! In fact, more movies like it need to be made. The story really struck a chord in my own heart because in the story of my own real life, I am dealing with a situation very much like this one. The story is raw and it is powerful and I feel like I understood everything "Sarah" was experiencing.
This song will always be incredibly special to me.
Hush my baby be still inside me
Rest my child all is well
Hush my baby grow inside me
You are safe there my little girl
I can't believe that I would ever think
That you were not to be
But darling mommy feels like a child herself
I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always
Hush my baby I'm dreaming of you
Wondering just who you'll become
Hush my baby, smile inside me
Warmed by knowing you are loved
I can't believe that I could ever think
Of life without you
But darling mommy sometimes feels afraid
I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always
I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always
Hush my baby, smile inside me
Warmed by knowing you are loved
Over the past few months, I have had to make the decision about what "choice" to make with my own unborn child. Then, I realized the choice was never mine to make. God gives and God takes away. I feel like the words to this song truly echo the words that my heart longs to express. How could I have ever lived my whole life without knowing my precious daughter? How could I have gone without ever holding her, kissing her, knowing her? I can't fully explain the joy and peace I feel these days and months that I'm carrying my baby. Feeling her kick and move is unbelievably exciting and amazing! It seems like whenever I try to let someone feel, she always stops! But, my little sister finally felt her kicking last night! Just knowing what is going on inside my body is enough to keep me thinking and pondering forever about God's goodness.
What once seemed to be the thing that would end my life is now one of the reasons that I live. Sure, my life is going to be different now than what I had originally dreamed or anticipated. But, God has so much planned for this little life growing inside me! And so much planned for me! He is already giving me a new vision and new dreams for my life! I now see that being unmarried and pregnant is not a sin in itself, but what got me here was the sin. My baby is not a sin. She is still a blessing and nothing to be ashamed of! I have turned from my sin and walked away, and God is blessing me for that. He is taking a situation the world would look at as horrible and is bringing Himself glory and changing my heart for the better.
My sweet Lily almost never got the chance to live. But, my God saved her! Praise You, Jesus, for changing my heart and saving my child! And God saved me. He is truly an awesome, amazing God with a heart full of love and compassion. God, teach me how to love this baby. Teach me how to be a wonderful mother. Give me Your heart, patience, guidance, strength, wisdom, love, and peace. I feel so inadequate to be entrusted with such a great responsibility! But, I know You alone will give me what I need to get through each new challenge and each new day. And when that day comes, which is soon, that this lily-white princess is born, I will truly be looking into a face showcasing Jesus' love, forgiveness, and redemption. I long for the day I can gaze into her blue and curious eyes and know that I made the right choice. Life. And what a beautiful choice it is!
************
Reading what I wrote, I see how the Lord was giving me a mother's heart of love for my child. It is bittersweet to read these words. Bitter because I never did get to gaze into Lily's blue and curious eyes. Sweet because of how she changed my life.
I wrote this post to say that I was thankful that I had chosen life for my baby. At that point in time, I never would have wished it any other way. I want to say right here, right now, that even though things didn't end up the way I thought they would (they were already going to be so different than what I had planned when I wrote this post), I am still so thankful that I chose not to have an abortion. Life is still a beautiful choice, when your baby lives and when your baby dies. It is still the right choice. As I wrote in my post, God gives and God takes away. Though I never could have dreamed He'd take her so soon, I still believe that Lily's life, and death, was/is in His hands. And He is still teaching me how to be her mommy. ❤️
The month of August 2009 is when God intervened in my life and radically altered my life, through my unborn baby, my darling Lily girl. Each August, I am flooded with memories of His faithfulness, in both the huge things and the smallest details that He used to speak to me. I like to share the blog entries about that time each August to share of His great love and faithfulness. I will call the posts the "August 2009 Series."
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On this date, August 31st, in 2009, I had an appointment at the Pregnancy Center of Central Virginia in Charlottesville. I had already made the choice of life for my unborn child, but was still unsure if I would choose adoption or parenting. I needed someone to talk to about everything, which is when the appointment was made at the PCCV. It is just a mile or so from the Planned Parenthood where I had an abortion just months before.
From the moment I walked in the doors of the pregnancy center, I felt accepted and loved. The way I like to describe it as is "the place of light and hope." It was such a contrast to "the place of darkness and despair" (Planned Parenthood). I literally remember the sunshine streaming in the windows as I walked in, as a physical representation of what the center is spiritually.
I met with Anna, who was the Center director then, and was so blessed by our time together. I wrote about my visit to the center in an email to my friend Bex. I am so thankful to have these words to see what exactly I was thinking then:
I went to the Pregnancy Center on Monday. I met with one of the counselors there, Anna. I didn't really know what to expect going in there. The Pregnancy Center of Central Virginia is a Christian establishment and as soon as I walked in the door, I felt comfortable and loved. The lady at the front desk had a warm smile on her face and was very helpful. Then, I met with Anna and I knew she wasn't judging me or thinking about what a horrible person I am. Her words were tender and sweet, and I felt comfortable enough to openly discuss everything with her. I told her I am considering adoption and she recommended Bethany Christian Services, the very same place you sent me a link to in your first message to me! She gave me all sorts of pamphlets when I left with information on the things we had discussed. She gave me the number to Bethany, as well as the number to both hospitals in the area, so I can get set up with a doctor. She told me someone that works in the Center has a daughter that got pregnant and placed her baby for adoption. I told her the church I have been attending with my grandmother, and then told her the church I would like to try. Her eyes lit up and she said, "that's the church I attend." She invited me to go with her. She talked with me as long as I wanted, and then prayed for me. Her prayer was heartfelt and sincere, and brought tears to my eyes. While she was getting all the pamphlets together for me, I watched a fifteen minute video on adoption. I was filled with emotion and tears were streaming down my face. I am scared of the pain that is to come if I do indeed choose adoption. I walked out of the Pregnancy Center that day with great hope. I was at complete peace with my choice of life.
I really wanted to have an ultrasound on that day, but was unable to. I remember Anna sharing the fetal models they have at the center and I was able to see around the size Lily was at that gestation.
Throughout my pregnancy, I kept meaning to write Anna to tell her how much that visit with her had deeply impacted me. I told my mom about her and just smiled whenever I thought of sweet Anna. I saw her in October at the annual pregnancy center banquet that I went to with my grandmother, but didn't say anything to her. Not everyone knew yet about my pregnancy, so I didn't want to draw attention.
I did eventually contact Anna, just not in the way I every thought I'd have to. I called the Center in March of 2010 and asked her if she would attend my daughter's Burial Service. She was happy to come. It means so much to me that she would attend. She has gotten to see the story unfold from the beginning.
Meeting at the Center because of my pregnancy was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Since then, we have gotten together many times and I treasure our relationship. She has spoken truth into my life when I needed to hear it and has been a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Isn't it amazing how God brings good things into our lives in ways we never could have expected?
On New Year's Eve 2011, Anna got married and she asked me to be her wedding photographer! She said what I thought...who would have ever imagined when we first met that one day I would be photographing her wedding! Anna has since had two sweet daughters.
A few years ago, I asked Anna for her version of when I first came into the Center. These words mean so much to me:
I remember the day you (Hannah) walked into the Center with your boyfriend at the time. I remember that you looked scared and a bit down, very down. But in your eyes was a spark of the desire to have hope. You sat down on the couch opposite me, hungry for some direction that would give you peace in your pregnancy. I could see that things were hard between you and him, and that there was so much in your heart and to your soul that he wasn't even aware of. I could see your potential and a bit of who you really were, is what I'm trying to say. As I talked to you I felt the Spirit pouring out His story of hope to you. Choose Life.....maybe even adoption. I could tell that your character was deep, but I wasn't sure how you were feeling - what would be your outcome? As you watched the adoption video, I remember seeing that you had so much emotion welling up - your mother's heart was showing.....and being wrenched. It was in the following days ahead that I really got to see verified what I had only believed was true- as you mentioned that you were going forward, going to have your baby, and give it the best life you could. The most amazing thing of all to me was when you said you just couldn't stay with your boyfriend, but that you had to make a decision to move beyond him, for yourself but most importantly to honor God. I think I cheered at that in my office and bragged on you to the staff!! We don't see that kind of decision hardly EVER! It is rare, though we pray for it to increase. Your heart was breaking over so many losses, but you had your eye on His gain. I knew that would take you far, and, secretly I was hoping we would get to stay in touch so that I could see just how God would bless your heart of David and heart of Esther! As your baby was nearing birth, I was so excited for you....and then, my heart broke, as you told me the news that must crush every mother's most inner sensibility. I felt that loss so acutely. Little Lily was a miracle, and even her name was a testimony to your growing in His light like a flower blooming in her season. Getting to come to the funeral was a huge blessing, as I was able to be with you and also your family (who had supported the Pregnancy Centers for many years and was well known among our staff). I felt that I was getting to be there with the granddaughter of one of the PCCV matrons - your grandma Nancy Virginia Bain! Through time and after Lily's going back to be with Jesus, getting to know you personally has just been one of the sweetest treasures, like nectar bottled up from such a sweet flower of the past. I don't get to get close to all clients like I did you - they are transient, they pass in and out, etc. But, you....God allowed our acquaintance to deepen to friendship and deep sister love in the Spirit. You are so special, and I just know that His plan for you is just radiantly expansive, with impact that ripples like waves out from a rock hitting the water. You are forever precious to me and I hope we will always stay in touch!!!! Also, one of the greatest gifts you gave to me was that you would pursue God and His direction in your life relentlessly. When you could have taken the easy way, you chose HIM!! Every time you'd tell me what you were up to, I could see the little "normal" veerings as you were trying to discover the right way...the path to Life.....but, always you would end up choosing it! It brought joy and surprise to me like I hadn't felt with any other person who had sought the Center for help. You are truly unique!"
When I was walking through my decision of whether I was going to have an abortion or not, I felt the Lord show me that if I chose life, I couldn't imagine all the beauty He would bring... and that was true. Anna's friendship was one of the beautiful things He brought me.
The Pregnancy Center of Central Virginia really blessed me and was there at a time that I needed hope. I encourage anyone who is reading this to get involved in your local Pregnancy Center. Whether you want to become a volunteer or make one donation or regular donations...these Centers are helping women and men and their babies and they need support to continue being able to offer these things to their community! You can make an impact!
In 2013, Anna and I were actually both interviewed for a WORLD Magazine article which you can read by clicking here.
The month of August 2009 is when God intervened in my life and radically altered my life, through my unborn baby, my darling Lily girl. Each August, I am flooded with memories of His faithfulness, in both the huge things and the smallest details that He used to speak to me. I like to share the blog entries about that time each August to share of His great love and faithfulness. I will call the posts the "August 2009 Series."
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I remember so clearly watching the Lifehouse Everything Skit in August 2009. I was immediately captivated by it because that girl was me. I was young and in love with Jesus, but then the world and the enemy came in and tried to rob me of His life within. I looked for satisfaction and fulfillment in many things outside of Christ, the only true source of Life. I was that broken, miserable, desperate soul. And I got to the point of being totally broken, realizing my weakness and that I could never return to the Lord in my own strength. I got sick of all the temporary highs of this world. I cried out desperately for my Mighty Rescuer, Jesus Christ, and He ran to my defense. He broke the chains that had held me down so long. Even though those things were making me miserable, I was helpless to change. I never got to the point of wanting to commit suicide, but I knew deeply in my core that my soul was dying.
I saw this skit during the time I was actually living through that spiritual battle. God used it to speak so much to my heart. He showed me His love for me. He showed me His power, His victory in all circumstances. No matter what is holding you down, He is stronger! But you must make that decision to turn from your sin. You must be willing to fight! Oh how He still adores us even when we break His heart by turning to other lovers. May we come to Him with a heart of repentance!
I will let the skit tell you the story of my life. I still cannot watch it without tears, like that August 7 years ago. So many tears. It reminds me of the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15. I was a prodigal daughter. I was dead, but am ALIVE again! I was lost, but am found! ~Luke 15:32. Please take the time to watch this powerful video and let it minister to your heart. I read that a group performs it in nightclubs around the country and it has radically changed hearts and lives! Amazing!! What are the things that keep you back from Jesus? I pray that those chains will be broken. Our Lord Jesus is victorious always!
Find me here, and speak to me I want to feel You, I need to hear You You are the light that's leading me to the place Where I find peace again You are the strength that keeps me walking You are the hope that keeps me trusting You are the life to my soul You are my purpose You're everything And how can I stand here with You And not be moved by You Would You tell me how could it be any better than this? You calm the storms and You give me rest You hold me in your hands You won't let me fall You steal my heart and You take my breath away Would You take me in, take me deeper now And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You Would You tell me how could it be any better than this And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You Would You tell me how could it be any better than this Cause You're all I want, You're all I need You're everything, everything
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