Luke's Should-Have-Been 9th Birthday

As Summer turns to Autumn and the leaves on the trees begin changing hues and the air gets a bit cooler, my heart remembers...

This is the time of year Luke Shiloh would be turning 9... Today was my due date...

Sometimes it feels like I have no right to feel or express my grief since it was a choice I made. But that is a lie and I share so other women and men carrying this regret are free to speak the truth. I share because of how prevalent this issue is.

How do I explain what October 1st means to me? How do I explain how this date means nothing at all and yet so many things? How February 6th stole what this day would have held. How October 1st will forever have a giant question mark hanging over it, as I imagine who my child would have been and how he would've looked.

A choice I made at 19 is now impacting 29-year-old me.

One choice erased 9th birthday parties and reminiscing over birth-day memories, memories of holding him for the first time, first holidays and first days of school.

My Luke Shiloh, you were but a vapor, silently blowing through the chambers of my soul, leaving me changed by the secret beating of your heart. A heart that beat for much too short a time. A heart that bequeathed my own as "mother."

The following is something I wrote in February a couple years ago, on the anniversary date of my abortion...

**************

I search my own heart, trying to somehow understand a decision I myself made.

On the outside, I know why I did.

When I discovered I was pregnant, panic and fear immediately gripped my heart and that dreadful word captured my thoughts: abortion. The culture told me it was my choice to decide whether or not I was ready to be a mother. I always knew I wanted to be one, but not then, not under the circumstances I was in. Not while I was still a single teenager. I assumed I could be a mother "when I was ready," as if it's easy to open or close that door. Now I wait, with one abortion in my past and one child in the grave, longing year after year for the opportunity to be a mother again.

I was convinced that abortion was my only solution, as if this was a problem that needed "fixing."

My mind was consumed with thoughts of the shame and humiliation that would come with telling my family and friends I was pregnant outside of marriage. I didn't want people to discover the lifestyle I was leading.

I didn't want to face the pain and sacrifice sure to come with choosing either parenting or adoption.

I didn't want my body to change from pregnancy.

I didn't want permanent ties to the baby's father.

I thought someone might never want to marry me if I had a kid already.

I didn't want my entire future as I thought it should be to be forever altered.

I had grown up in a Christian, pro-life family and had not given much thought to the complex intricacies of what could cause someone to choose abortion. After all, it had never affected me personally. Being pro-life is not hereditary.

I had planned on remaining a virgin until marriage. But somehow along the way, I had made one bad choice after another which took me to a place I never imagined I'd be. My beliefs got buried beneath the pressures and the temptations, buried beneath the longing to be loved, to be known, to be chosen. There are many reasons God has revealed over the years as to why and how.

Because I was "taking care of things" so early (I was only 6 weeks gestation), and because it was a pill I would be taking and not a surgical procedure, I thought it was "no big deal." I couldn't feel any movement yet, never heard the fast thump, thump, thump of my baby's heart beating, and my belly was not yet round. I convinced myself it wasn't really an abortion. I didn't consider the fact that in 34 weeks (or even much less), a fully-formed child would be ready for birth.

I found Planned Parenthood while searching the internet, called and made the appointment for that Friday morning, February 6th, 2009 - 8 years ago today.

I convinced myself it was a pregnancy, rather than a baby. But deep down, in a place I was afraid to even visit, I knew that I was already a mother. The tears I cried during that week are proof. As Anne of Green Gables would describe it, I was in the depths of despair.

That morning came and I had collected the $350 that it would take to stop that tiny heartbeat. I cringe at the thought. I firmly and wholeheartedly believe that had it not been legal and "my choice," and had an abortion not been so easily accessible, and praised even in this society, than I never would have sought one out. I know that I wouldn't have had a back-alley abortion. That's why I can't stand when people use that argument for why abortion should remain legal. We need to empower women to see they can choose life, while still pursuing their dreams.

I wish I had known that my child's heart had already begun beating. I wish I had seen that even though I was ending my pregnancy, I would never again not be a mother.

I wish I could tell you I didn't take the little RU486 pill that I thought would solve all my problems. I wish I could tell you I ran as far and as fast as I could from that clinic with my baby still alive.

But I can't.

February 6th will be etched into my memory forever. My child would be 8 this year. As Summer turns to Autumn and the leaves on the trees begin changing hues and the air gets a bit cooler, my heart remembers. He was due at the beginning of October...

After that February weekend in 2009, I thought I could forget the nightmare ever happened. I just wanted to get back to my "normal life." The pain quickly began catching up with me. The suffering was too great so I shut myself off, my heart turning cold. I drowned my inexpressible sorrow in drinking, partying, and dating a new guy. I so desperately wanted to fill that gaping wound in my heart.

I felt beyond repair, like there was no hope for me. I kept my mind constantly busy and occupied so I didn't have to face the things I so desperately wanted to escape.

I search my own heart to try to make sense of what happened. On this side of having gone through with an abortion, now 8 years later, the better part of a decade, all my reasoning and struggling to recall doesn't seem good enough. The reasons and explanations that sprang up out of my heart to justify ending a life seem shallow.

I convinced myself that somehow this page in the story of my life could be erased, torn out. That's what the deceiver whispered in my ear. But, now I see so clearly. It was a lie. And I was in such a place of vulnerability and desperation that I was willing, eager even, to believe it.

God has used this experience to give me a deeper compassion for others than I believe I could have ever had. I realize this could happen to anyone given the right, or shall I say wrong, circumstances.

I don't even recognize myself and can barely fathom that it was out of my own heart that I chose abortion. It doesn't feel like it could have been me. I don't even know that person who chose abortion.

As alone as I feel at times in loving and missing Lily, I feel even more so about Luke. But how could I expect others to miss him when I didn't even know him? How can I expect others to love him when I loved him too late?

This wasn't the end of the story... Just a few short months later, God's mercy and love would be demonstrated through another life planted within my womb. A life I did not deserve to be entrusted with. Redemption would be written all over her every cell.

Thomas Watson wrote, "Never do the flowers of grace grow more, than after a shower of repentant tears."

The dam of my damaged turned calloused heart had been stopped up until a little flower was planted, in my life, in my womb, in this world, bringing forth the repentance. And it's through that little flower named Lily that God's grace grew within my life and heart. It's through her that He brought healing from the choice to have an abortion. It's through the love He gave me for her that He opened up my heart to love Luke. In treasuring the sanctity of her life, He taught me to value the sanctity of my first baby's life and all life.

There have been some people who have asked me (some even assuming I feel this way), that God punished me for having an abortion with Lily's death. And to this I say, my God doesn't work that way. The blood of Jesus wiped out my abortion when I came to Jesus in repentance. Any child in the womb is a GIFT! Lily died, but the blessings of her life and legacy certainly are not a punishment. As I've written before, she is an eternal flower sent as an eternal gift from an eternal God. She is the farthest thing from a punishment and the fact that she is in Heaven is a comfort. Yes, I miss her and always will, but I have the peace and assurance at the core of my heart and soul that she was never meant to be a little girl of this world. She was called to a higher purpose.

Each February, I like to go back and read the book and watch the movie Tilly, which is about a mother who regrets having an abortion and dreams of Heaven where she meets her daughter and finds healing in the love and forgiveness of both Jesus and her daughter.

The last paragraph on the last page brings my eyes to tears and causes my heart to nod along in understanding: "And she would weep quietly, with this and with every new April {February}, for all the children who had no names and no parents, who still lived though never born. Most of all, she would weep for the little daughter {son} she never knew, and give whispered words to what she had always known: "Tilly {Luke}, I love you." But now her heart was at peace and that peace was hers to keep. She only wanted to remember. Just remember."

Honestly, this day is not one of shame, humiliation, and debilitating sorrow. But, it is one of remembrance. Remembering recognizes the sanctity of life and honors and celebrates Luke. Remembering is healthy and important.

One of my favorite musicians, Bethany Dillon (now Barnard) is releasing her first full-length record in almost a decade! It comes out in a few days and since I preordered it, I have access to the first couple songs. One of the songs is called "A Better Word," and it seems so appropriate to be listening to this song on repeat this month. I am singing this over my life and have so much comfort in the Lord.

Here are some of the lyrics (you simply must get the album!): "I hear the blood of Abel speak an accusation over me. I'm guilty and I am in need of mercy. You have broken the power of my sin. The curse I lived in has been reversed. The blood of Jesus is my provision. You have spoken a better word. Your blood speaks of the covenant for the both of us you have kept. Betrothed to You in faithfulness, I am redeemed.... No condemnation, I am free. The blood of Jesus speaks for me. The Lamb was slain, now I can sing a better word...." (see Hebrews 12:24)

Now when I look back at this page in my story, it isn't erased, no... but where the blood of my own child was shed because of my own choice, now I see the blood of Christ covering it.

This poem by John Piper powerfully articulates how a mother whose chosen abortion attempts to view the life of her unborn child as an "it":

I waited in my nausea,

Surrounded by stone-faced bourgeois

With rolls of twenty-dollar bills

In jacket pockets with their pills,

Funds from the ATM outside

The clinic door, because the guide,

Imbedded in the website said

"Cash only in advance." The dread

Concealed - as if I really read

The Mademoiselle - my eyes instead

Were staring at the vinyl floor,

So clean and cold, a wise decor

In case a mother's vomit soiled

The luster underfoot, and spoiled

This sterile place.

And then, all through the brief and mindless interview

And prep, they called my baby "it."

I tried to think that what God knit

In me was only "it." I gripped

For dear life every word - a script

To somehow make this life an "it."

But then, with legs still split

In clamps, I lifted up my head,

And saw there on the table, dead,

A tiny torso, not an "it," but "she,"

Destroyed, and with her, me.

************

I will end with this poem I wrote Luke:

First child of my womb,

Quietly you grew, hidden from all eyes.

Why didn't I choose Life?

Why did I believe the lies?

Flesh of my flesh,

My baby, forever you'll be.

I'm sorry I chose the wrong way.

I'm sorry I didn't SEE.

Your life was not wasted.

Valued and precious you are.

God is speaking mightily through you.

From my thoughts, you will never be far.

From darkness to light,

You will always be a part of the story.

Our Father in Heaven promises

To work all this together for His glory.

Your name means "light" and "peace,"

My precious little one.

That's what He's brought in all of this.

In Christ, the victory is won!

I promise to be your voice

Until my days on Earth are through.

I will never be silent

Until the time that I meet you.

In that moment, 

I will gaze upon your face.

I will hold you, kiss you, know you,

In awe of His great mercy and amazing grace.

Even then I know,

Your legacy will still live.

For He breathes beauty into this story,

And purpose He will continue to give.

I love you, my little Lukey.

Thank you for changing me.

Until we meet, my darling,

A forever part of me you'll be.

With all my might, I'll fight in your honor,

Until the battle for Life is won.

In my eyes and heart,

You will always be my son.

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You Made Me a Mother

First child of my womb.

First child of my heart.

It's been 9 years since you were here.

9 years since the only memories I have "of your life." Seeing Barack Obama get inaugurated. Watching the Super Bowl. Cold winter weeks. Nausea. Consuming fear. Gripping panic.

My sweet baby who was only here for a few short weeks.

You were but a vapor, silently blowing through the chambers of my soul, leaving me changed by the secret beating of your heart. A heart that beat for much too short a time. A heart that bequeathed my own as "mother." ❤️  #LukeShiloh #February6th #2009 #6weeks #iregretmyabortion #redemption #missyoualways #itsaforeverchoice #postabortionhealing

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Heal the Wound but Leave the Scar

This song is just.... so beautiful.

"Heal The Wound"

by Point of Grace

I used to wish that I could rewrite history

I used to dream that each mistake could be erased

Then I could just pretend 

I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away

Hide all the evidence of who I've been

But it's the memory of

The place You brought me from

That keeps me on my knees

And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart

Take the pieces of this heart

And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything

I don't take pride in what I bring

But I'll build an altar with

The rubble that You've found me in

And every stone will sing

Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart

Take the pieces of this heart

And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget

Everything You've done for me

Don't let me forget

The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart

Take the pieces of this heart

And heal the wound but leave the scar

How many times I wished exactly what the song says... that I could rewrite history... that each mistake could be erased... that the old me didn't exist. How I wished I could hide all the evidence of the past, that the scars would disappear along with the wounds. I know that many people will be able to relate to that feeling, no matter what their past holds.

But, my friends, the scars have a purpose... Sure, God could choose to wipe our slates clean and give us no memory of our sin and pain. But, with that, I truly believe we would lose the knowledge of the preciousness of the blood of Christ. We would take it for granted, maybe be deceived into thinking we aren't even in need of repentance, redemption, and reconciliation to the Father.

He wants to heal our wounds and give us freedom, but maybe the scars are meant to remain. Maybe the scars are meant to shout to the world of what a redeeming and merciful God we serve, the beauty of suffering. "The memory of the place He has brought us from is meant to keep us on our knees," as the song says. We bare our scars for the world, so others see the meaning and purpose in their own scars. So that others turn to the One who uses our scars for His glory.

Thank you to my friend Eliza for sharing this song a while back (that was the first time I heard it). :)

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Can Beauty Rise Even from These Ashes?

There are some ashes in the brokenness of our lives that seem impossible for God to somehow bring beauty from them. The smoke is so thick and you feel you may never fully catch your breath or see clearly again.

These have been those ashes in my life...

I think some people assume that because I chose to end things with Lily's father, that it must have been an easy decision to make. That is the complete opposite of the truth.

Not only did I lose my daughter, but it feels like I've been through a divorce of the heart. I'm grieving so many other losses on top of the loss of my little girl: the loss of her father, the loss of what "could have been," the loss of my innocence and purity.

I battle with feelings of regret and never being able to undo the sinful choices I made and feeling haunted by those regrets. I wish so badly that I could tell my 18/19-year-old self that almost 26-year-old me would still be living with the painful consequences of the choices that I made then, choices that I naively thought would only affect me in that moment.  But as the saying goes, "Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay."

I ran from my first love, Jesus. And I can just see Him now, how His heart must have been breaking as He watched me make choices that He knew would deeply wound me. He wanted to protect me, yet I thought I knew best for my life. He was always there waiting for me to turn back to Him. There are lyrics to a song by the band Copeland that say, "what if you can't turn back when you're finally tired of running?" When I got tired of running, I assumed I could turn back to Jesus, while escaping the repercussions of my sins. Yes, I ended up turning back to the Lord because of my little Lily girl. However, I could never turn back to what might have been and who I might have been. I was broken and felt damaged.

I have felt such a deep connection with Lily's father because we were bonded in a way we were never meant to be... physically, emotionally, and because I carried his child within me... and then we lost our child. In a way, I associate him with Lily and it almost feels like if I let go of him, I will be letting go of her as well. Because if she were here, he would be in my life in a way. But, she's not here. It felt like I lost them both all at once. He is my living link to Lily, the only other person in the world who is as close to her as I was. Can such a tie ever truly be severed? Or is it something I must learn to carry with me for the rest of my life? There are lyrics in a Copeland song that say, "I can't help this awful feeling that I can't erase you." Can this part of my past ever be erased from my heart? Will the memories ever fade and the ache ever ease?

Over the years, I have been tormented by the anguish deep in my soul over the loss of this relationship. The "what if" questions have plagued me. There is so much tied into this, things that go into the deepest part of my being. So much grief and loss and regret all tied together. I have been consumed with guilt and shame. A part of my heart has been stuck in 2009/2010 and all that happened during that time, making it difficult to move forward. My emotional and physical health has been affected negatively. I have battled with wondering if I will ever be completely whole, healed, and restored. So many areas of my life have been affected by this wounding and it has kept me from fully stepping into the future God has for me.

I cannot articulate the depth of my pain over this loss. I have struggled with wondering why it hurts so profoundly and why does God not take it away? I beat myself up over the regret I feel because if I had honored God in my choices, I never would know such pain as this. I gave up that relationship because I know it was not the Lord's best for my life and that it wasn't His will for me, nor honoring to Him or my future husband. I have never more fully seen the battle between the flesh and spirit than in this part of my heart... on one hand, I know what God has asked of me, but on the other hand, I ache and long for something that I was never meant to have and have to say "no" to. I must take up my cross. I must deny myself and what I desire because it doesn't honor my Jesus. And maybe part of why God has allowed me to feel this pain is so that I may have the opportunity to prove that I love Jesus more. I choose Him, over any man and any pleasurable thing I could experience in this life. It is a gift to be able to sacrifice anything for my King who gave everything for me.

"Ours should not be the love that asks, "how little?" but "how much?"; the love that pours out its all and revels in the joy of having anything to pour on the feet of its Beloved." -Amy Carmichael

This is what God has shown me... We can either see His will as a burden and wallow in misery or we can accept His will and trust Him and His plan in which He intends to bring good to us and glory to Himself.

There are lyrics in a song on Josh Garrels' new album that say, "Yahweh gives and takes away, will you curse or bless the name? Trial tests us like the flame."

The fact is we are going to be tested. God is going to give and take away. He can give a baby and take away a baby. He can give a relationship and take away a relationship. Or whatever "it" is in our lives. The question is, when He does take away, when we are tested, are we going to curse Him or bless Him? Are we going to trust Him through it all and sing Him praises when the storms of life swirl all around us? When we are haunted by our regrets? When the suffering just doesn't make sense? Do we choose Him over everyone and everything else?

Because it is in those times that our faith has the opportunity to grow strong and to be proven authentic. It is in those times, when we choose Him, that He gives us comfort and peace that passes all understanding. It is in those times when He can use the word of our testimonies to declare to this dark and lonely world that He is enough and His love endures forever!

And you know what the beautiful part of it is... we don't have to walk the road of pain and suffering alone.

Corrie ten Boom said in one of the talks she gave: "I opened my Bible and I read Isaiah 53, where a prophet sees Jesus at a cross. And he says, "surely, He has carried our sorrows." And then I understood when Jesus finished at the cross, He had not only carried our sins, but also our sorrows. And that's why we are not called to be burden-bearers, we are called to be light-bearers and cross-bearers. But our burden we must cast on the Lord and leave it there."

It makes me love Him that much more... to realize He wants to carry my burdens, the things that came out of a heart turned against Him, from the natural consequences of sin. Things I deserve to carry, yet He doesn't give us what we deserve. That is the beauty of redemption. Through this heartbreak, He is giving me a deeper yearning and desire for Him than I have ever had. Don't be afraid of pain and suffering. As lyrics to a Mandisa song that my aunt always quotes say, "He'll do and He'll use whatever He has to." Even the pieces that seem too broken, He can use. He is sovereign over all. He was not surprised by your sin and failure and can weave every choice you've ever made into a tapestry of His grace, mercy, and love.

I have been given glimpses of the good He has been working and the purpose He has been giving to my past. The more time that passes, the more I realize my healing will only be a work of the Lord. The longer my heart has been in pain, the more Jesus has pulled me closer to Him and the more I have realized my utter desperation for Him. The more the aching of loneliness and isolation, the more I realize that God is all I need in this life and the only One who truly understands the depths of my heart and experiences. He sees everything about my past, my present, and my future. He understands all of me, even the parts I do not understand.

I have felt like I "deserve" to be heartbroken and consumed by grief over not only my abortion and the loss of Lily, but also the loss of her father. Yes, maybe by the standards of this world, it makes sense why I would feel that way. But the Lord I serve does not operate by the standards of this world. I know He could heal me in an instant if He so chose... there must be an inner working that He is up to that I cannot fully see. As Corrie ten Boom said, "when we know Him, we can trust Him, even when we don't understand what He's doing." And I believe that God will separate Lily from her father in my heart and mind, so that I can carry on loving her, while completely letting go of him.

There is so much more I want to say on this topic, things God has been working in me and showing me over the years. I have not felt brave enough to share before now. But I am compelled to speak out. Because this is a huge part of my grief and healing journey. It is the thing in my life that has felt impossible for God to heal, but I am believing that He will completely heal and restore me, even when my feelings and experiences tell me otherwise. I am choosing to see it as an opportunity to grow in my faith and to trust the Lord with the deepest places of my being. I don't want to glorify my sin or dwell on it or give darkness a voice. But, I feel it's important to share the weight of my pain and how deep the pit of destruction and despair I was in... so people will see how capable God is of pulling us out, even the pits that we chose to jump in!

He has infused fresh hope within my soul and is giving me the prayers to pray even when my prayers are dry, even when I have no idea what or how to pray. Over the last few weeks, I have had a breakthrough and am praising the Lord for what He's done. He is far more interested in my healing than even I am. And I pray that my journey will be a testimony to His power. His work in me didn't stop after I chose life for Lily, after He healed me from my abortion, and the loss of Lily. He is the Lord of my past, present, and future. He sees all my memories and my regret and He can truly redeem everything. You are not alone in your pain and your brokenness. Take it to Jesus. Sometimes He chooses to heal us instantly, and other times, He takes us through a process. Do we trust Him to do what He says? Do we trust that in that process He is working?

This generation is sexually broken and wounded in so many ways and it is my hope and prayer that God will use my own experiences to encourage others. I felt so isolated and alone in my experiences for so long. Thankfully, the Lord led me to a book and Bible study that have been such an instrument of healing in my life. I want to share so that others know they are not alone! I also want to give helpful resources that have ministered to me in my journey.

If you can relate to the words I've shared here, I encourage you to read the book "The Invisible Bond: How to Break Free from Your Sexual Past," and the accompanying Bible study, "Break Free From Your Sexual Past," by Barbara Wilson. It goes deep and always points to Jesus. It has made me feel like someone "gets it."

The prayer of my heart matches that of Corrie ten Boom when she prayed: "I surrender this part of my being that is wounded. Lord Jesus, I claim Your victory in that part of my being!"

Are we walking around defeated? Do we really think the Lord who gave everything to give us not only eternal life, but abundant life here and now (John 10:10) would want us to live in that way? What is He asking you to surrender? What wounded part of your heart do you need to give to Jesus for healing?

Those ashes in your life that feel irreparable... hear as Jesus is beckoning you to come closer, and whispering to your heart, "Allow Me to bring beauty in this."

With tears streaming down your cheeks, barely able to catch your breath through the sobs, you almost whimper, "These ashes?" Like He can't possibly be seeing the same ashes you are, the ashes that you've been sitting in for years, having accepted them as your lot in life.

Yes, beauty can rise, even from whatever "these ashes" in your life may be. When the God who raised Lazarus from the dead and calmed the raging seas holds your heart and future, He also shapes your past into something beautiful, something only His fingerprint can do.

Instead of fixating on how far you ran from Him, look beyond and see in the distance Jesus running after you, relentlessly pursuing you, never leaving you alone.

"Of one thing I am perfectly sure: God's story never ends with ashes." -Elisabeth Elliot

Psalm 103:1-5 talks about how God renews our youth. I am reminded of a song by Copeland that goes, "I can make you feel young again." He can redeem the years that the enemy has stolen. He can mend the aged, worn, ancient, fragmented pieces of our hearts. Though it doesn't feel possible, may we hold onto hope that it is! Click HERE to read an article about this very thing that has been so encouraging to me.

"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..." -Joel 2:25

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland." -Isaiah 43:18-19

"For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death." -2 Corinthians 7:10

I want to share a video and three songs that have blessed me deeply during my journey. Please take the time to listen to them and listen to the profound lyrics. Allow the Lord to search your heart and bring you to repentance and restoration.

Here's a video of Barbara Wilson speaking:

"Only One"

by Harvest Bashta

I want to be the only One on the throne of your heart, the only One that moves you
I will remove the names of your lovers, even the memory of their face fade away
I will write on you My name forever, I will be known by you as faithful and true
So come back, come back, I'll take you to the start
Come back, come back, I'll take you to your first Love

"Joy Comes in the Morning"

by Scott Cunningham Band

Pain tugging at your heart, it seems no matter how loud you scream

No one cares no ones listening

Why are the simple truths so much harder than believing a lie,

You cry out, but only darkness gives its reply

Through the darkest part of the valley, I'll hold your hand

The deepest feelings of your heart I understand

Every tear that you've cried, I hold in my hands though there's pain in the night

Joy comes in the morning

And when those mountains seem too high to climb, I'll carry you through you are mine

I see everything you go through

I know everything about you

Running far away from what you know, wondering if open arms will be waiting

To welcome you home, home

You gave and gave yourself away, wasting all your time and money

Going nowhere, keeping nothing

Though you feel like you've gone too far, take my hand

Though you have made mistakes, I have a plan

Every sin that you regret I paid on the cross to forget, everything that haunts you

And every burden that you carry, lay at My feet you won't have to worry anymore

I know everything about you

Everything you walk through, I will walk there with you, to the other side!

When the waters rising, and you feel like you're sinking with the rising tide

Though the fear of death may haunt you, the joy of life is stronger and grace is wide

When the weight of sin is on your shoulders, don't give in, you are Mine

"Second Chance"

by Rend Collective Experiment

My future hangs on this

You made preciousness from dust

Please don't stop creating me

Your blood offers the chance

To rewind to innocence

Reborn, perfect as a child

Oh Your cross, it changes everything

There my world begins again with You

Oh Your cross, it's where my hope restarts

A second chance is Heaven's heart

When sin and ugliness

Collide with redemption's kiss

Beauty awakens by romance

Always inside this mess

I have found forgiveness

Mercy infinite as You

Oh Your cross, it changes everything

There my world begins again with You

Oh Your cross, it's where my hope restarts

A second chance is Heaven's heart

Countless second chances

We've been given at the cross

Countless second chances

We've been given at the cross

Fragments of brokenness

Salvaged by the art of grace

You craft life from our mistakes

Black skies of my regrets

Outshone by this kindness

New life dawns over my soul

Oh Your cross, it changes everything

There my world begins again with You

Oh Your cross, it's where my hope restarts

A second chance is Heaven's heart

Oh Your cross, it changes everything

There my world begins again with You

Oh Your cross, it's where my hope restarts

A second chance is Heaven's heart

Countless second chances

We've been given at the cross

Countless second chances

We've been given at the cross

You might be interested in reading these other posts on my blog:

Even When It Feels like I'm Drowning

On Purity and Abstinence

Waiting for His Redemption Song

Just a Girl

Elfrida's Beautiful Story

Grace Greater than All Our Sin

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The Emptiness of All Besides

I'm going to continue sharing about August 2009...

I remember so clearly watching the Lifehouse "Everything" Skit that month. I was immediately captivated by it because I realized that girl was me. I was young and in love with Jesus, but then the world and the enemy came in and tried to rob me of His life within. I looked for satisfaction and fulfillment in many things outside of Christ, the only true source of LIFE. I was that broken, miserable, desperate soul. And I got to the point of being totally broken, realizing my weakness and that I could never return to the Lord in my own strength. I got sick of all the temporary highs of this world. I cried out desperately for my Mighty Rescuer, Jesus Christ, and He ran to my defense. He broke the chains that had held me down so long. Even though those things were making me miserable, I was helpless to change. I never got to the point of wanting to commit suicide, but I knew deeply in my core that my soul was dying.

I saw this skit during the time I was actually living through that spiritual battle. God used it to speak so much to my heart. He showed me His love for me. He showed me His power, His victory in all circumstances. No matter what is holding you down, He is stronger! But you must make that decision to turn from your sin. You must be willing to fight! Oh how He still adores us even when we break His heart by turning to other lovers. May we come to Him with a heart of repentance! 

I will let the skit tell you the story of my life. I still cannot watch it without tears, like that August five years ago. So many tears. I watch it each August to be reminded afresh of how Jesus broke my chains. It reminds me of the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15. I was a prodigal daughter. I was dead, but am ALIVE again! I was lost, but am now found! -Luke 15:32. 

Please take the time to watch the powerful video below (or by clicking HERE) and let it minister to your heart. I read that a group performs it in nightclubs around the country and it has radically changed hearts and lives! Amazing!! What are the things that keep you back from Jesus? I pray that those chains will be broken. Our Lord Jesus is victorious always! 

"Nothing teaches us so much the preciousness of the Creator, as when we learn the emptiness of all besides." -Charles Spurgeon 

Find me here, and speak to me 

I want to feel You, I need to hear You 

You are the light that's leading me to the place 

Where I find peace again 

You are the strength that keeps me walking 

You are the hope that keeps me trusting 

You are the life to my soul 

You are my purpose 

You're everything 

And how can I stand here with You 

And not be moved by You 

Would You tell me how could it be any better than this? 

You calm the storms and You give me rest 

You hold me in your hands 

You won't let me fall 

You steal my heart and You take my breath away 

Would You take me in, take me deeper now 

And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You 

Would You tell me how could it be any better than this 

And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You 

Would You tell me how could it be any better than this 

Cause You're all I want, You're all I need 

You're everything, everything 

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We Love LIFE!

My grandmother sent me this picture of herself praying to end abortion with 40 Days for Life outside of the Planned Parenthood in Charlottesville, Virginia. She is wearing her "Love LIFE" t-shirt that was given to her at the Havelock Pregnancy Resource Center (I have one too and love it!)

This was the abortion clinic where I had my abortion. And since I can't be there praying, she is... wearing the shirt given to her at a pro-life banquet where I spoke, sharing Luke's and Lily's lives and legacies...

Beauty for ashes.

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A Glimpse into August '09

Since it is now August, I have been reflecting on August 2009. I am celebrating both the month of my birth and my spiritual birthday. I oftentimes talk about how it was during the month of August that the Lord intervened in my heart and life. He fought for me, rescued me, and saved my eternal life and the life of my unborn child.

Recently, I was looking through my old Facebook posts from 2008 and 2009. It is painful to look back over the years of "Facebook activity." It is honestly very telling of someone's life. I feel somewhat embarrassed if people were to look back at the things I posted. Reading and seeing some things from the past years brought up bad feelings and memories and made me feel nauseated. How much I despise the old Hannah Rose. Seeing what I wrote and posted is a part of who I once was. A part of what God brought me out of.

It is amazing that I can even see the change in my heart and life in August 2009 from what I posted on my Facebook page. They were just Facebook statuses, but to me they are evidence of the LIFE Jesus was breathing back into my dry bones.

I can witness the change within myself, just through Facebook statuses. I mean, I know what I experienced in the depths of my heart during that time where Jesus changed everything, but to read posts that I wrote - Scriptures, quotes, and lyrics God put on my heart in the midst of that season, it's just really special. I didn't remember what I posted. It is so beautiful to see how the things I posted changed suddenly and drastically. Just a couple months before this, I posted really ridiculous things about such worldly things... then, the Lord captivated my heart. He wooed me and brought me to the foot of the Cross. And I am forever changed. I stand in awe once again at the transforming work of Christ.

This picture of me was taken on my 20th birthday - August 12th, 2009. It was three days before the scheduled abortion. There are few pictures of me during this time, so it's somewhat strange to see myself then, to know what was going on inside me, the battle that was raging. I am smiling, but I'm not smiling with my entire face, with my eyes. I was empty and broken. I had no idea all that God was doing and was going to do and how I'd look back on that season, seeing how it was a crossroads in my life. I chose the path of LIFE. I chose Jesus. Little did I know how those choices I made during that month would shape my life forever. How they would shape the story God was writing for my life and how He'd use it for my good and His glory. How He'd bring me to my passion and purpose. During that month of August '09, I went to a Pregnancy Resource Center myself. Now I have Pregnancy Center Banquets booked where I will be the keynote speaker.

I took screenshots of those statuses from August and September 2009 when the transformation occurred to share exactly what I wrote and on what dates. I really want to personally keep track of this always. It was almost as if the first half of August was where the battle for my soul and my child's life was raging. Then, God really opened my heart and drastically changed everything in a short amount of time. He can heal and redeem and restore with just a single word. These posts were when He had drawn my heart back to Himself and I was completely and utterly desperate for Jesus! I had Scripture being poured over me daily and was walking through a deep time of repentance, cleansing, and healing. 

The first post is from five days after my scheduled abortion... obviously I never went! I was so desperate for Jesus.

I was surrendering my life and future and the life and future of my unborn child to the Lord, knowing that He had a perfect plan and purpose for both of us, whether that was parenting or adoption. Nobody else knew what these posts were talking about.

He showed me that if I chose LIFE, He would take care of all the details. I knew I could trust Him. I love how Bex commented on this post. :) It was that month that our friendship began and the Lord used her so much in my life! She knew what I meant when I wrote this.

He delivered me from death and my baby from death.

This was right before I was going to tell my mom that I was pregnant and the Lord was showing His faithfulness and guidance to me in so many incredible ways!

I shared the lyrics from the song "Tears of the Saints" by Leeland. I remember listening to this powerful song over and over during this time and how I would just weep. God was giving me such a heart of compassion and love for others who were like me, prodigal sons and daughters. He had led me Home and He was longing for His other children to come Home to Him. He was showing me that through my brokenness, He would give me the ability to love and serve Him and others in a way I never would have been able to if it weren't for what I had been through and what I was going through. God can truly work all the things in our lives together for good! This is an emergency - that we would love Jesus, serve Him, and bring others to the foot of the Cross. Because we are never promised tomorrow and God doesn't want anyone to perish! In Christ, we are pure, whole, redeemed, healed! So reach out your hands to Him, even though you feel so weak and undeserving.

Click HERE to listen - this is for you, Bumma ;)

Here are the lyrics to the song:

There are many prodigal sons 

On our city streets they run 

Searching for shelter 

There are homes broken down 

People's hopes have fallen to the ground 

From failures 

This is an emergency! 

There are tears from the saints 

For the lost and unsaved 

We're crying for them come back home 

We're crying for them come back home 

And all your children will stretch out their hands 

And pick up the crippled man 

Father, we will lead them home 

Father, we will lead them home 

There are schools full of hatred 

Even churches have forsaken 

Love and mercy 

May we see this generation 

In a state of desperation 

For Your glory 

This is an emergency! 

Sinner, reach out your hands! 

Children in Christ you stand! 

Sinner, reach out your hands! 

Children in Christ you stand! 

And all Your children will stretch out their hands 

And pick up the crippled man 

Father, we will lead them home 

Father, we will lead them home

You can read more posts about August 2009 and what God did in my life during that time by clicking here.

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Love Letter to Lily for Series

I'm honored to be sharing a letter to my Lily in an awesome series called "Love Letters" over on Raquel's blog, Story of a Rose.

A little about the series:

The “Love Letters” is a collection of letters written by moms to their children expressing their love for them. 

It is specifically designed for those of us women who experienced the unplanned pregnancy at a young age.  For those women that were like me: alone, afraid, unwed, young, and broken.  For us – finding out we were pregnant was not the joyful, exciting experience it is meant to be.  In fact, it was quite the opposite.  Some of us planned abortions, others pleaded for the pregnancy to somehow end, and most of us just really did not want to be mothers….yet.  The truth is, once we accepted the reality of our pregnancies, accepted love and forgiveness, and dove into the lifelong journey of motherhood, we realized that we DID want our children, and we were madly in love with them (we just needed time to realize it).  The love letters is a collection of these letters to our children, explaining all of this to them.  Because of the unconventional family our children will grow up in, they will one day realize they came from an “unplanned pregnancy” and may question their wantedness.  These letters will hopefully squash any doubt they have in their mind and express that we LOVE them dearly, and they were anything but unplanned…because the truth is, they were planned by God in his perfect timing.  Because of them, our lives have been changed forever…for the better. 

Here’s to my daughter, AvaMarie who inspired me to do this.  I love you sweet girl, you saved my life; you showed me what real, genuine, authentic love is; you helped me believe in God and all that is good and beautiful again; and you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I love you little princess….and never forget that!

Such a beautiful series, right?

You can read my Love Letter to Lily here.

My story is a little different than most because my sweet babe whispered goodbye before I ever said hello... however, I believe it offers a needed, different perspective. And I am honored to share her beautiful LIFE and legacy with others. Please read and share! And be sure to read all the other sweet Love Letters that have been shared thus far.

If you would like to contribute to the "Love Letters" series, you can contact Raquel through her blog. Or if you know of someone who might like to contribute, please let them know about the series. While your over visiting Raquel's blog, take the time her beautiful story of choosing LIFE for her beautiful daughter, AvaMarie Rose (yes, I share a middle name with her and her daughter.) :) And check out her Facebook page.

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Easter Sunday

My sweet Lily was born just a couple weeks before Easter Sunday. It was on April 4th in 2010. I had so anticipated dressing her in a pink frilly dress and putting together her first Easter basket.

Thank you to my sweet friend, Catherine, for making these Easter 

eggs for Lily and Luke and for taking photos of them for me. :-)

Besides St. Patrick's Day, Easter would have been Lily's first "big" holiday. It was the first big holiday without her. Each year, it will remind me of her...though I suppose every holiday does, but some more than others.

I have been seeing so many posts and pictures on facebook of kiddos with their Easter outfits and baskets. I've been hearing friends talk about Easter egg hunts...with each word, picture, and post, the ache in my heart stirs...

I have no little girl to dress in her Easter Sunday best. Nobody will ooh and aah over how pretty she looks in her pink dress, sandals, and big bow. This year, she would have been old enough to help pick out her specisl outfit. This would already be her 4th Easter...how can that be?

I see the hand of my God in choosing for Lily's birthday, the genesis of Spring, and Easter to all be within just a couple weeks of each other. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and spring are coming!

So, on this day that I wish was full of a 3-year-old Lily going on an Easter egg hunt and dressing in a pretty outfit...and though I don't have any child to do those things with...

I am rejoicing on this Easter Sunday that Jesus is Victor...always! He is Victor over sin and death. He is Victor over sorrow that pierces the soul. He is Victor over stillbirth. He is Victor over anything and everything that holds us down. And because of His victory over the grave, I can rest in the assurance that I will see my sweet girl again...

"There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain:

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave he rose again!

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,

For I am His and He is mine -

Bought with the precious blood of Christ."

"Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for He has risen." ~Matthew 28:5

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." ~Revelation 21:4

"He died not for men, but for each man. If each had been the only man made, He would have done no less." ~C.S Lewis

I love Fernando Ortega's voice and music...and love the words in this song. So appropriate for Resurrection Sunday.

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