To me, Easter means ______

The musicians Shane and Shane wrote a post on their Facebook page, asking people to fill in the blank to this: To me, Easter means ________. You can see below what I wrote in, including my blog address. I thought it was neat that they actually took the time to read/listen to my story and then comment back. :)

Never heard of Shane and Shane? Here's one of my favorite songs of theirs below (email subscribers click HERE). 

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My Easter Lily

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Easter Sunday falls this year on the Anniversary of Lily's burial - March 27th.

That date will forever remain etched on my heart as the one that at 20-years-old, I had to leave my precious daughter in the ground in Virginia in a tiny white box, placed inside a Moses Basket. I watched as it was showered with tears, rose and lily petals, and dirt. I knew then that that I'd miss her the rest of my life.

When I realized this date coincides this year with Easter, I got chills! And apparently this is the only Easter that will fall on this date for the rest of my life, until the year 2157. That makes this year very special :)

There is beauty in March 27th! Easter Sunday and the Resurrection of Jesus means even though Lily is asleep to this world right now, she is forever alive in Him. And even though March 27th will always hold painful memories for me on Earth, I know that one day, He will erase those memories, her death, and my sorrow.

"Death's funeral is coming." -Camille Cates

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there by mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4

This is Lily's new Easter flag, from my friend Stacy who sent it for Lily's birthday. Thanks Bumma and Aunt Nana for placing it at Lily's spot and sending these photos.

I sure wish I was putting together an Easter basket for a 6-year-old girl. 

I have a mini Christmas tree for Lily and this year I found a cute "Easter tree" at Target One Spot.

A few other March posts you may be interested in reading:

-The Master's Fingerprint (the Day of Lily's Burial)
-Days Nobody Remembers
-The Last Time I Saw Her
-One Last Kiss...For Now
-Taking Her Home
-In Honor of You (Lily's Celebration of Life Service)

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"Even Agony Will Turn to Glory"

I got some beautiful lilies to bloom on Easter, as a reminder of the redemption made available through Christ's shed blood, death, and resurrection.

It's amazing that the lily is the flower associated with Easter and that the One who Easter is all about sent me a little girl who He whispered to my heart was named Lily Katherine (BOTH names mean "purity and innocence"), as a way to bring me to the foot of the cross, as a symbol of my renewed purity and redemption in Christ.

She fulfilled every purpose He sent her here for, without ever speaking a word or taking a single breath. Yet, He continues to speak loudly and clearly through her life and her death, her name, and her birthdate (March 16... John *3:16*) of His love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Seeing a lily now reminds me of my little girl who will forever remain pure and innocent and the work God has done in so many hearts because of her. And on Easter, I rejoice that because of the cross, I will spend Eternity with both my Jesus and my little flower. Because He conquered sin and death and is ALIVE, she is alive too! Oh, how much we have to rejoice over!

The service at my church on Sunday was absolutely beautiful, with many decisions to follow Jesus and baptisms. I'm so thankful for a Pastor who boldly shares the truth of God's Word and both encourages and convicts. I couldn't have stopped the tears of joy and hope even if I tried!

I read an amazingly beautiful post called Triumph of Joy about Easter Sunday on John Piper's blog, Desiring God. I suggest you read the entire thing, but I do want to share some of it here:

"Even agony will turn to glory, but Easter doesn’t suppress our pain. It doesn’t minimize our loss. It bids our burdens stand as they are, in all their weight, with all their threats. And this risen Christ, with the brilliance of indestructible life in his eyes, says, “These too I will claim in the victory. These too will serve your joy. These too, even these, I can make an occasion for rejoicing. I have overcome, and you will more than conquer.” Easter is not an occasion to repress whatever ails you and put on a happy face. Rather, the joy of Easter speaks tenderly to the pains that plague you. Whatever loss you lament, whatever burden weighs you down, Easter says, “It will not always be this way for you. The new age has begun. Jesus has risen, and the kingdom of the Messiah is here. He has conquered death and sin and hell. He is alive and on his throne. And he is putting your enemies, all your enemies, under his feet.” Not only will he remedy what’s wrong in your life and bring glorious order to the mess and vanquish your foe, but he will make your pain, your grief, your loss, your burden, through the deep magic of resurrection, to be a real ingredient in your everlasting joy. You will not only conquer this one day soon, but you will be more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37). When he wipes away every tear, our faces glisten more brilliantly than if we never would have cried. Such power is too great to simply return us to the Garden. He ushers us into a garden-city, the New Jerusalem. Easter announces, in the voice of the risen Christ, “Your sorrow will turn into joy” (John 16:20) and “no one will take your joy from you” (John 16:22). Easter says that the one who has conquered death has now made it the servant of our joy."

And lastly, I want to share an Easter song by one of my favorite musicians of all time, Keith Green. His life and music has made a huge impact on my life. He went to be with Jesus in 1982, at only age 28, several years before I was born, yet his "no compromise" life for Jesus continues to challenge and inspire many. Check out the book about his life, No Compromise, written by his wife, Melody.

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Hope Beyond the Grave

Lily was born the day before St. Patrick's Day, so I will always associate that holiday with her. However, the first "big" holiday after she was born was Easter. It will also always make me think of that first Easter without her and how much I longed for my sweet newborn baby girl. I wrote this blog post that year. 

Easter makes me think of my little daughter and how if she were here, I would prepare Easter baskets and take her on Easter egg hunts. We would be making memories for her to carry with her always, like the memories I have tucked away safely in my heart from my own childhood.

But even more than Easter baskets and egg hunts, I would be teaching her about what Easter really, truly means. I would teach her about Jesus and his death and resurrection... how He gave Himself freely so that we might have LIFE eternally. That is what Easter is really all about, not chocolate covered bunnies.

Easter is a time of glorious celebration. HE IS RISEN! And because He lives, I have the hope, faith, peace, and assurance that this is not the end. The grave is not the end. I will see my girl again. Jesus conquered sin and death - He is victorious!!

I see now how the hand of God chose for Lily to be born right before Easter, right before the spring season. Spring and Easter point towards redemption, hope, resurrection, and Eternity with Him. What God did in my life because of hers points towards that same glorious hope and redemption. It's like He was speaking through her birth at this time of year that this is not the end! All because of Jesus' sacrifice!

I decided at the last minute last week that I wanted to get some decorations for Lily's spot for Easter. I went to Michaels and was able to find a few things for 40% off. What I found is super cute, but since I didn't have much time to look, I wasn't able to find anything with Easter lilies and the Cross. Next year, I would like to find that.

Anyways, I mailed these things to my grandmother to decorate Lily's spot for me.

She took down the remainder of the birthday decorations and put the Easter decor up. I instructed her with how I wanted it done (I am very particular when it comes to Lily's spot). My grandmother is kind and patient with me. :) She took these lovely photos for me too. She is getting really good at this technology stuff. Thanks for decorating Lily's spot for me since I cannot do it myself, Bumma!

It looks like the grass is finally starting to grow in! We placed Lily's stone in November, so have only seen it with al the dirt around it.

My brother, Joseph, and his wife, Kala, came to visit for Easter weekend. This is the three of us after church on Easter. :) My family went out for lunch after church, which was really special.

This hymn has been stuck in my head the last few days. I was delighted when we sang it at church on Easter Sunday: "Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe; Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."

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Easter Sunday

My sweet Lily was born just a couple weeks before Easter Sunday. It was on April 4th in 2010. I had so anticipated dressing her in a pink frilly dress and putting together her first Easter basket.

Thank you to my sweet friend, Catherine, for making these Easter 

eggs for Lily and Luke and for taking photos of them for me. :-)

Besides St. Patrick's Day, Easter would have been Lily's first "big" holiday. It was the first big holiday without her. Each year, it will remind me of her...though I suppose every holiday does, but some more than others.

I have been seeing so many posts and pictures on facebook of kiddos with their Easter outfits and baskets. I've been hearing friends talk about Easter egg hunts...with each word, picture, and post, the ache in my heart stirs...

I have no little girl to dress in her Easter Sunday best. Nobody will ooh and aah over how pretty she looks in her pink dress, sandals, and big bow. This year, she would have been old enough to help pick out her specisl outfit. This would already be her 4th Easter...how can that be?

I see the hand of my God in choosing for Lily's birthday, the genesis of Spring, and Easter to all be within just a couple weeks of each other. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and spring are coming!

So, on this day that I wish was full of a 3-year-old Lily going on an Easter egg hunt and dressing in a pretty outfit...and though I don't have any child to do those things with...

I am rejoicing on this Easter Sunday that Jesus is Victor...always! He is Victor over sin and death. He is Victor over sorrow that pierces the soul. He is Victor over stillbirth. He is Victor over anything and everything that holds us down. And because of His victory over the grave, I can rest in the assurance that I will see my sweet girl again...

"There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain:

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave he rose again!

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,

For I am His and He is mine -

Bought with the precious blood of Christ."

"Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for He has risen." ~Matthew 28:5

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." ~Revelation 21:4

"He died not for men, but for each man. If each had been the only man made, He would have done no less." ~C.S Lewis

I love Fernando Ortega's voice and music...and love the words in this song. So appropriate for Resurrection Sunday.

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Oh, the irony

I used to spend my Tuesday evenings at LifeCare Pregnancy Center in Raleigh. It was routine...all day, we would look forward to going to see all our friends at class. Then, we would get Papa John's for dinner (at this point, they were having a special deal each week.) Then, off to LifeCare we would go. We met our dear friend Angela there. Now, I see Angela somewhere else. I see her amongst a group of men and women who have lost their children...at ParentCare, an infant loss support group. 


We went from a place that is all about life to a place that is all about death. And she did the opposite. Angela lost her daughter, Nala, in October 2008, due to an incompetent cervix. Then, on Easter Sunday this year, she gave birth to her healthy baby boy, Caiden. Her precious rainbow baby..born on Easter Sunday. What a special day to be born. And you know what...I couldn't be more happy for her. 


I've had a hard time with feeling bitter and jealous of women that have completely healthy babies, especially when I feel they take it for granted. But, I don't feel that way about Angela. I am so thankful she has her rainbow baby. I am so happy to hear of any woman have her rainbow baby. 


A couple of weeks ago, I held a baby for the first time since I held Lily. It was Caiden. It might have something to do with the fact that he's a boy, and also just how excited I am for Angela, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Angela knew what it would be like for me, having been through it herself, so it didn't feel awkward at all. She asked me if I wanted to hold him, not trying to force him in my arms. Mom did okay too...we were both nervous about how it would feel. She fed Caiden his bottle and held him for hours, thoroughly enjoying herself. I hope she gets to be a grandmother to a living child soon. She doesn't want anything else more.


It's a joke between Angela, my mom, and I that we are his "bonus grandma" and 'bonus auntie." We couldn't be more pleased to have those roles in his life. :)


The afternoon was spent catching up with Angela, talking openly about Lily and both of our experiences with losing our daughters, as well as what being pregnant was like after losing Nala. I held Caiden and admired his sweet little body. He fell right asleep in my arms, like he was totally comfortable with me...even though I felt quite tense at first. His little hand grasped firmly onto my finger. I thought of Lily and how she never got to do that. I pictured her tiny little fingers and toes. And the pain was mixed with joy. Pain because I never got to experience Lily like that...joy because of the hope I hold onto that one day I will have my own rainbow baby...that baby I will get to bring home and love on, snuggle with, and watch grow up. 


It felt so strange holding him, hearing him breathe, feeling his warmth, looking into his eyes, and feeling his little hand clutching tightly. It haunts me sometimes that I never knew Lily in that way. That's one of the hardest things for me...that I never saw her or held her with life within her. When I held her, she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom...and there she will wait.

holding a baby for the first time since Lily

the "bonus grandma"

Angela, Caiden and I

proud mommy with her precious rainbow baby

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Only You Know

Only You know how much I miss her. Only You know how excited I was that Easter would be the first holiday shared together. Only You know how I wanted to dress her in a special pink, frilly Easter dress, give her the little bunny rabbit just for her...the one that I sleep with every night because it brings me some form of comfort...only You know how much I wanted to make her first little Easter basket. Even though she would only be a newborn and couldn't eat any candy, I wanted it to be special for her. I wanted to make special memories with my little girl. And take lots and lots of photos.

All these dreams were taken. It seems strange to say I didn't want Easter to come this year. It was just a reminder that she wasn't here to share it with me.

When will I be with her again? When will I hold her? What will it be like to walk with You on my one side, her on the other...on streets of gold?

Only You know.

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