Another Invisible Mother's Day ~ His Compassion Fails Not

My heart has already begun preparing for yet another year of being an invisble mother on Mother's Day. I'll never stop missing the lives who only existed inside of my own life. I will never not feel their absence in my days.

I know the fact that I dare to possibly love and miss my babies still, even all these years later, makes people thoroughly uncomfortable. I know some people think I'm "stuck" on something I shouldn't be.

I rehearse the words recently spoken that cut so deeply while also rehearsing and tossing over and over in my mind what I could write to help people understand. Maybe there is a time for that, for speaking on behalf of the invisible+bereaved+longing-to-be mothers. But right now, I'm done with trying to get them to see what is. I'm done trying to explain the unexplainable-unless-you've-been-there. There is freedom in letting go and knowing He who sees all things has compassion on me.

Rachel Joy Welcher wrote in one of her lovely poems:
"Love isn't something we bury with dirt or time."

She also wrote:
"It's ok to look forward to the future
with a broken heart and a limp.
Is there any other way to
travel toward God
this side of heaven?"

I will continue to look forward to the future - my future here on earth where I'm trusting God that I will see and taste His goodness in the land of the living - and my future with Him where He will wipe away every tear I've ever shed.

I'm limping from loss, but I'm dancing because of this mother love that cannot be buried. A love that only my Father could birth in me as a mother. A love that never ceases and has taught me more about His heart for me than anything in this life yet.

And I'm trusting that even in the messy-complicated-sometimes-immature-and-twisted-by-pain that publicly sharing my story has meant over the past decade... that God will even use all that.

Dear one, if you feel like the compassion of others had run dry in your unanswered questions, in your longings, griefs and burdens... find comfort in this:

"There are pains in our stories that no person has an adequate storehouse of compassion for. God's compassion for your recurring, long-standing pains never ever reaches a limit." -K.J. Ramsey

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It All Started with Those Two Lines in June

Nine years ago this June

Your life within me began

Summer came and with it came you

I was 19 when those two blue lines

Changed my entire life

Telling me you were mine

Afraid of what was to come

Still feeling so young,

At first I wanted to run

Like a delicate bloom,

Slowly opening in Spring

In my heart, for you He made room

As my belly grew

Throughout those months

So, my darling, did my love for you

Nine years

You whispered "hello" and "goodbye"

I am left with missing-you-tears

That positive pregnancy test

Something so small changed it all

With your life, I have truly been blessed

I ache with missing, my dear

But I smile with such joy

I am so thankful God sent you here

That positive sign too soon

Turned to words etched in stone...

It all started with those two lines in June... 💕

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Fixed

I decorated my daughter's grave for Christmas recently. This has been my tradition for many Christmas seasons now. This is all I can tangibly do for my child for this special occasion... for any occasion.

As I was driving to the cemetery that evening, I passed the high-school that I attended. My cousin Thomas who is on the cross-country team was running with a teammate when he spotted me and excitedly waved. As I tidy things up, the sun was setting and I heard the cars zipping by.

It feels like the whole world is zipping by. The busy world is in a blur all around, but inside the gate surrounding the cemetery, all is fixed and silent.

I can hardly find words to describe what I'm feeling. It's like I drove in and everything slowed down around me. The whole world goes on and my world stops when I'm there. I've changed, grown, and aged in these years that I've been tending to the grave of a child who never will.

In a world where nothing seems fixed and things can seem chaotic and unpredictable, I know what to expect at the cemetery. Her stone is fixed. The things I'll need to do to tend to her spot are fixed. Her status as dead is fixed. Her being my forever baby and never my 7-year-old anticipating Christmas is fixed. Our relationship separated by realms is fixed.

But even in all the fixed permanent heartbreaking things that child loss entails, my Home in Heaven is fixed. Lily's place next to Jesus is fixed. Immovable. Unshakeable. The blur of this changing world will one day be steadied and fixed in Eternity, where I will no longer decorate my daughter's grave for Christmas. ❤️🎄💚 

Here are the decorations I took to Lily's spot this year... an "L" stocking, a sleigh, a Christmas tree, a snowman ornament, ice skates, and a Christmas flag. :)

About a week later, I took a couple more decorations there... the flowers and little tree for her vase.

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When You Lose a Baby

When you lose a baby, you don't just lose an idea of a person or a potential possibility of a future.

You lose a very real would-have-been life and future, full of all the many small and large things that comprise a life.

You lose knowing what their hobbies and interests would be, the things that would make them laugh, what college they would have attended, who they would have married, who their children would have been... these things just scratch the surface.

The person who is lost before birth is the same person at the core of their being who would've been in 5, 10, 20, 50+ years. All that was needed was time, development, nurturing, and love.

Of course we as humans are shaped by our experiences too, yet a massive part of who we are is determined and crafted by our Creator before we are even born.

The way we will look as we age is already determined, our personalities, the things we will enjoy and prefer... all of these things are wrapped up in the tiny precious package that is a newborn baby.

When this precious life is lost, it's not just an idea that is lost, but the package that was ready to be opened, that suddenly never will be. The contents that were already there are somehow lost, leaving the family with an empty feeling of being somehow gipped and deprived. This package was in your lap ready to be finally opened after shaking it and longing to discover it for 9 months in eager anticipation, then suddenly death steals it back. That's a little bit of what losing a baby feels like.

It was a gift the Lord gave me when He opened up my heart to love Lily as much as I do. And because of how much I love her, I miss her with that same great measure. The grief, in turn, is also a gift, for even that points to the sanctity of her life and each life, no matter how brief. 💕

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It All Started with Those Two Lines in June

Eight years ago this June

Your life within me began

Summer came and with it came you

I was 19 when those two blue lines

Changed my entire life

Telling me you were mine

Afraid of what was to come

Still feeling so young,

At first I wanted to run

Like a delicate bloom,

Slowly opening in Spring

In my heart, for you He made room

As my belly grew

Throughout those months

So, my darling, did my love for you

Eight years

You whispered "hello" and "goodbye"

I am left with missing-you-tears

That positive pregnancy test

Something so small changed it all

With your life, I have truly been blessed

I ache with missing, my dear

But I smile with such joy

I am so thankful God sent you here

That positive sign too soon

Turned to words etched in stone...

It all started with those two lines in June... ❤️

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Marks of Motherhood

I inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) grumble and complain about how my body changed after carrying Lily. I was once a fit and toned athlete. Then came Lily. Much of the time, I don't like how my body changed. I have the body of a mother whose carried a 7 pound 9 ounce 21 inch child to term, but no child here to show as the fruit of those months of nurturing and protection.

I'm trying to look at the changes to my body through different lenses. This body carried her all of her life. This body was my beautiful girl's only home before her Eternal Home. And it was her budding life that caused my widened hips and stretch marks. It was wonderful Lily, so how could I be upset about the changes? They silently speak that she was here. She was real. Each mark is a remembrance of my obedience to the Lord, in choosing life for my unborn child and not allowing shallow or fleeting concerns to govern choices that not only would impact me forever, but also the life of an innocent child.

Even how my body has changed from pregnancy is a reminder not to be overly concerned about things that are actually quite insignificant. I changed and grew so much (no pun intended) through the entire experience of my unplanned pregnancy and losing Lily. Embracing her life was a sacrifice of love.

I want the culture to recognize that a postpartum body is beautiful because WOW, women carry babies made in the image of God! The marks that come from such an awe-inspiring gift from above are nothing to be ashamed of. I want other young women faced with an unplanned pregnancy to realize that yes, their body might change, but it is not something to run and hide from, but rather a mark of life, honor, beauty, and sacrifice. The mark of motherhood. And our babies are worth every mark, every pound and inch gained, every change to our bodies and lives... no matter what happens. ❤️

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Mother's Day 2017

As usual, Mother's Day was bittersweet for me. I am so deeply touched by those who think of me and reach out through text, message, email, with photos, etc. 💕💐

A couple sweet mamas named Stephanie and Sara sent me this for Mother's Day, "from Lily," with her named hand-lettered on it. The envelope was addressed to "Mom," which was so sweet to receive. 😌

I also received this Mother's Day card "from" Lily. 💕

My sweet friend Brittany took Lily along with her family to St. Augustine, Florida on Mother's Day. A bright spot on a hard day! 💛 🐬 🐟 🐠 🐢 

My friend Emily also thoughtfully wrote Lily's name in the sand on her family vacation at Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, in honor of Mother's Day. ❤️ 🌊 ☀️ 🐚 🐳

My friend Chloé in New Zealand thoughtfully sent me this on Mother's Day. 💕

Whilst shopping in downtown Clayton, North Carolina the day before Mother's Day, I treated myself to a couple things that reminded me of my girl. It was special to find these things in the small stores we went in.

My friend Shannon went to a Remembrance Service at her local hospital that was in honor of Mother's Day. She lit a candle and released a balloon in honor of her daughter, as well as Lily, which means a lot to me.

My sweet big brother, Joseph, and his wife, Kala, brought me these flowers on Mother's Day. 😌 💐

A couple days before Mother's Day, I went to a talent show for a local Christian school for boys with my sister-in-law (she has connections through her work). The boys came out during the show with fresh roses and asked all the mothers to stand to receive one. I hesitated briefly, feeling awkward, until Kala grabbed my arm to pull me up. It was so sweet that these young boys are learning how to value women, and also sweet to be remembered. But the sweetest part of all was how Kala knew I'd feel awkward, so she pulled me up to receive my rose.

Janelle sent me this Forget-Me-Not picture for Mother's Day.

Mother's Day was hard, but I am thankful to be Lily's mommy. And I am thankful to spend the day with my own mother. Here she is with all four of her kiddos on Mother's Day 2017 - Joseph and Adam (twins), mom, myself, and Emmaline. We love and treasure our mom. We are thankful for her, love the person God made her to be, and appreciate all she's done for us and continues to do for us. Some things I love about her: how she follows Jesus and seeks to live in light of the Truth in all spheres of life, her incredible interior design and gardening skills, how she loves her grandchildren on Earth and in Heaven, her sense of humor, her servant-heart, among a thousand other things. What a gift it is to celebrate Mother's Day, and every day, with her. Side note: I wore my Lily shirt and earrings and a necklace with her photo on it. :)

I really wanted to pamper my mom on Mother's Day, especially with how much she was missing her own mother...

My friend Tina gave me a lily Bible for Lily Kat's birthday in March this year. My mom loved it when I got it, so I got her one too... with a lily in honor of her granddaughter. And I got her white daisies in honor of her mother (my Bumma), whose favorite flowers were daisies. We had white ones at her Service last month, so I want to make it an annual tradition to get my mom white daisies in her mother's honor each year for Mother's Day.

Mother's Day marked one month since my grandmother's unexpected passing and we were missing her dearly. The tears were flowing freely, especially for my mom. 

It's tough to see my mother grieve the loss of her mother. I can't do anything to ease her pain. And I feel my own pain. Mom is 60-years-old but feels in many ways like a child without her mother. She feels lost and desperate at times to talk to the woman who has been there since the moment her heart started beating. How do you say goodbye to your mother? To the one whose love brought you to life. There are so many different kinds of grief in this world, and Lily has helped me to be much more aware and sensitive of that.

Everyone dies. Those who get as many years as my Bumma got are fortunate. But just because death at an old age is expected doesn't make it any less painful. When you love someone, you don't see their age. You see the very heart and soul of that person. Bumma had 85 amazing years on this Earth. I am thankful for the nearly 28 years I had her here. But I'll miss her the rest of my life.

This photo was taken with my mama and her mama on my 21st birthday in 2010, visiting "our tree friend." ❤️

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*You* Are Remembered This Mother's Day

Mother's Day can sting for many people for many different reasons. For some it is difficult to believe that it could be anything but happy.

I want to acknowledge mothers of all kinds - those who hold children in their hearts rather than their arms, "typical" mothers of biological children, birthmothers, foster mothers, spiritual mothers, adoptive mothers, single mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers, and pregnant mothers.

I also want to mention the women who never got to be mothers, though they longed to be.

I am thinking of the women who desire to be mothers, but because of many different reasons (such as infertility, failed adoption, singleness) they haven't become one yet.

I am thinking of those who are separated from their mothers by death and are fiercely missing them.

I am thinking of those who have broken relationships with either their mother or children.

I pray the God of all hope will fill each of you with peace, comfort, and joy on this day, whether it be completely happy or bittersweet. 💕💐

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Pieces of My Motherhood

Real heartbeat

Unique DNA

My Luke Shiloh

A new name

He gave me

"Mother"

Only 6 weeks

Too soon with Jesus

Missed all my life

Another heartbeat

Unique DNA

My Lily Katherine

Memories held dear

Pregnancy to birth

My first-born

40 glorious weeks

Sacred and sweet

Beautiful girl missed

A not-yet heartbeat

Unique DNA

My hoped-for baby

I pray more than weeks

But a lifetime to raise

His will be done

All my babies -

First child of my heart,

First-born,

Future first-to-raise -

Irreplaceable pieces of my motherhood

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Still Mothering Her

The only motherhood I've ever known is mothering a grave. A legacy. It makes me as a mom feel quite out of place, especially on Mother's Day.

I hold my daughter in my heart, rather than my arms.

I have no other living children on Earth with me to help ease the pain and ache. My motherhood is invisible to the world.

My "parenting decisions" are things like deciding what sort of headstone I wanted for Lily. Did I want it flat or upright? What did I want it to say? What words did I want permanently etched in stone? What special things should I take to the cemetery where she's buried when I go up to Virginia to visit soon?

I must imagine what my own child might be like. How she might look. Who she might have become in these past 7 years.

What is it even like to look at your child in their eyes? Blue eyes. That's what I truly believe she had. Blue eyes like her mama. She looked just like a mini-me.

My daily reality consists of loving a precious princess that I never got to know past 40 weeks 2 days. Instead of thinking what I can do for my daughter, I think of how I can honor her. I think of how I can be a mom to her, without her here. I pour out my heart to her on my blog. I share the same select photos of her over and over. I go to remembrance walks and candlelight ceremonies, release butterflies, eat all things red-velvet, plant a garden, take photos of lilies, make hospital comfort boxes.

How many different ways can I say, I miss her. I miss who she would have become. I miss who she might've been in the future. How many different ways can I say, this is hard. How many different ways can I say, I am thankful still. And the Lord is good, always.

Lily is still very much a part of my every day, which is demonstrated in all the ways I honor her. And with each person who remembers her with me. A friend remarked a few days ago on how special it is that so many people around the world remember Lily with me. And it truly is a HUGE gift. With each photo sent my way, it validates my motherhood. It silently speaks that Lily's life matters. With each gesture of remembrance, it's as if God is saying, "you are a mother, her mother, and you will mother her in Heaven in all the ways you didn't get to on Earth."

When I post photos of Lily's name around the world, or share my heart about her publicly, know that I am not dwelling on something sad or "not moving forward." I am moving forward. And my final destination is Heaven... where she is. She is ahead of me, in my future and in my forward. When we live across the country/world from those we care about, we miss them, right? We don't stop loving them, thinking of them, and wanting to see them. Instead we long for the time we will see them again... So it is with Lily. We have a long-distance mother-daughter relationship, so to speak. But the separation hurts for now. Even when we know we will see someone again, it hurts to be apart. She is not just "a thing that happened to me" in my past. SHE IS MY CHILD, whom I will always dearly love. And I am STILL A MOTHER. Her mother. My motherhood might look different than most, but it's mine, and it's real. ❤️ 

This photo and post was shared as a part of multiple projects for Mother's Day... the Mother Hearts Project, where we take a photo of our hand over our heart to signify how we carry our children in our hearts. Also, the Still Mothering project, where mothers without any living children got this t-shirt that says "mother" on it to share what our motherhood looks with the world, and to show that we are still mothers. And lastly, I'm sharing this as part of Motherhood Rewritten, where a "community of women who have lived Mother's Day outside what culture claims as the norm" share their stories. In the photo, I am wearing a necklace with Lily's photo on it, and am obviously holding her foot and handprint. #stillmothering #thisisstillmotherhood #wearestillmothers #MotherHeartsProject #MotherhoodRewritten #icarryherheartinmine

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To the Mother's with an Aching Heart, on Mother's Day

This is a beautiful video for Mother's Day. I appreciate the sweet friends who thought of me and sent this my way this week. ❤️

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"We Carry Them in Our Hearts" Mother's Day Film

About this film project: "Mother's Day can really sting. Here is a glimpse into the heart of a bereaved mother. This film "We Carry Them In Our Hearts" is a world-wide collaboration of women helping to shine a light on what it is like to experience and survive the unimaginable death of a baby or child of any age or gestation. If you are a bereaved mother, join the movement! Take a photo of yourself holding your hands over your heart and share it on your favorite social media website. Use the hashtags #BereavedMothersDay #MotherHeartsProject ❤️ "

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My 9th Mother's Day

The following is something I wrote and shared for the first time a couple years ago...

This year is my ninth Mother's Day as a mother, though honestly most probably wouldn't see me as one for all those years. I see it as my responsibility to explain why I was a mother all those years ago, because in doing so, I bring recognition to the existence of my child as well as to countless other mothers and children. 

On Mother's Day in 2009, I would have still been carrying my first child, whom I have named Luke Shiloh. I would have been around halfway through my pregnancy. Instead, his heart beat within me for just a few short weeks. He was so tiny, hidden from all eyes, and I couldn't even feel him yet when he flew to Heaven. 

In all honesty, the short flicker of his heart beat could have forever remained a secret kept from most everyone. It would have remained less complicated that way and would have kept the world from seeing what a wretched sinner I was. 

However, I am compelled to tell the world about the sweet heart, the first that will ever have beaten inside my womb, the heart that beat with a purpose, even when it appeared it was thwarted by the choice I made out of fear and selfishness. 

His brief existence gave me the title of mother, even when I didn't want it yet. No child, not Lily or any future baby, will ever be able to take that place of being the first heart to beat in my body besides my own. Luke Shiloh will always be my first child and I believe with my entire being that I will hold him and know him one day, on the same day I'll hold his little sister, Lily, and meet the Jesus who made a way for us all to be together again, where we will no longer remember the pain or darkness of this Earth, but will spend all Eternity worshipping at the feet of our Lord Jesus.

Though the enemy of my soul meant to thwart the purposes of God for both my child and my life and future, God in His graciousness didn't allow that to happen. No, He uses even our deepest sin and darkness to bring light to this world. He is our Rescuer and has a plan to redeem our souls and our lives for our good and His glory. 

Even though Luke's heart ceased to beat within me so early and it might appear his life had no meaning, I know that it does. Because of Luke, I chose life for Lily. I believe that the short time that Luke's heart beat will be used by God to allow the hearts of other children's hearts to beat much longer, meaning their mothers will choose life for them. 

I grieve not having more with Luke, not knowing with certainty his gender, face, or personality. Who would he be today? Yes, I will always regret my choice and can be sad with such thoughts, but I am so thankful for the story God is writing, and I am thankful that He has put His love within me for both my babies. 

I am thankful for Luke Shiloh, the first child of my heart and womb, and Lily Katherine, my first-born. Thank you both for making me a mother who gets the honor of that title. What a blessing to be chosen by God to be your forever mommy! 

Thank you to my dear friends and family who remember and recognize not only Lily, but Luke as well. I hope that in sharing my story others will see that once a heart beats within, you will never again *not* be a mother. Embrace the gift of motherhood! 

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His Song Is With Me

The circumstances of this weekend are threatening pain and discontentment to grip my heart.

Today, it was a bridal shower for a young woman who is several years younger than me.

And tomorrow is Mother's Day.

It's days like these that are a glaring reminder that I am alone. That I don't have a man to gently wrap his arm around me. That I don't have a child in my arms. That I do have a precious baby, but she isn't here. That I don't even have a man to give me flowers for Mother's Day or a card, in place of my child who can't.

I am alone. At least that is how it feels. And I don't understand why God sees fit to keep me in this place and not change things when He could.

This year is especially hard because it seemed like He was writing a beautiful story and now it has all unraveled. I don't understand. And perhaps I'll never have answers.

But what I have been challenged to do is cling... throughout the pain, the doubts, the confusion, the unanswered questions... I will cling to my Jesus and trust His heart. I will thank Him for being my soul's Husband. I will thank Him that I have a precious daughter who waits for me. I will count it all joy even when it doesn't feel like there is much to be joyful over in these areas. He will never leave or forsake me. In Him, I have all things, even if I have nothing else I desire most.

"By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me. A prayer to the God of my life." -Psalm 42:8

His song is with us, even through the darkest, longest and loneliest nights.

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Bereaved Mother's Day Butterfly Release 💕

Sunday was a beautiful day for a butterfly release!

Thank you to the North Carolina Chapter of the TEARS Foundation for hosting this special event for Bereaved Mother's Day. I had been wishing for some sort of event to gather with fellow bereaved families and mark the day in a special way for years. :)

My family who joined me for the butterfly release... Lily's uncles, auntie, grandmother, mommy, and cousin.

We released ours for Lily Katherine and my Aunt Rachel. Can you spot their names? :) We went around and shared who we were releasing the butterflies for and I told who we are, and who Lily and Rachel are. I shared that my grandmother, Rachel's mother, passed away just 3 weeks ago and I feel it is now my responsibility to always honor Rachel and never forget her. It felt like we were releasing the butterfly for Bumma too, since we shared a love of the little creatures.

We were so touched that they included the grandmothers by giving them their own butterfly.

The little packets that each butterfly came in, with a sweet saying on them. We could hear the butterflies fluttering around.

Harvest waving for cousin Lily and great-aunt Rachel!

About to release our butterflies.

They were Painted Lady butterflies, from the same company where I got mine for Lily's butterfly release a couple years ago!

The flowers that the butterflies were landing on.

With my friend, Ashley.

My butterfly necklace for the butterfly release. And I wore my Lily dress and earrings. :)

The weather was PERFECT! My ideal kind of day... lower 70s with the sun shining, white puffy clouds, and a gentle breeze.

Here is a video of me releasing my butterfly!

My sister-in-law Kala gave both my mom and I a daisy for the day. :)

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