I decorated my daughter's grave for Christmas recently. This has been my tradition for many Christmas seasons now. This is all I can tangibly do for my child for this special occasion... for any occasion.
As I was driving to the cemetery that evening, I passed the high-school that I attended. My cousin Thomas who is on the cross-country team was running with a teammate when he spotted me and excitedly waved. As I tidy things up, the sun was setting and I heard the cars zipping by.
It feels like the whole world is zipping by. The busy world is in a blur all around, but inside the gate surrounding the cemetery, all is fixed and silent.
I can hardly find words to describe what I'm feeling. It's like I drove in and everything slowed down around me. The whole world goes on and my world stops when I'm there. I've changed, grown, and aged in these years that I've been tending to the grave of a child who never will.
In a world where nothing seems fixed and things can seem chaotic and unpredictable, I know what to expect at the cemetery. Her stone is fixed. The things I'll need to do to tend to her spot are fixed. Her status as dead is fixed. Her being my forever baby and never my 7-year-old anticipating Christmas is fixed. Our relationship separated by realms is fixed.
But even in all the fixed permanent heartbreaking things that child loss entails, my Home in Heaven is fixed. Lily's place next to Jesus is fixed. Immovable. Unshakeable. The blur of this changing world will one day be steadied and fixed in Eternity, where I will no longer decorate my daughter's grave for Christmas. ❤️🎄💚
Here are the decorations I took to Lily's spot this year... an "L" stocking, a sleigh, a Christmas tree, a snowman ornament, ice skates, and a Christmas flag. :)
About a week later, I took a couple more decorations there... the flowers and little tree for her vase.
The Christmas season means many parents are getting photos of their children sitting on Santa's lap.
I never got a photo like that.
Some people on Facebook teamed up to offer these unique Santa photos free of charge for those who've lost children. It's such a sweet gesture and touches my heart.
Lily with Santa. I don't know how much we would have gotten into the whole Santa thing, but it's special to have regardless. ❤️ 🎄 ❄️ ⛄️ 🎁 #HonoringLilyatChristmas
As my friend Hannah said, it's a gift to have the choice of whether to take our children to see Santa. When our babies die, we lose that gift of choice. She said even though it's not the same choice I would have been able to make if Lily were here, it's still a choice. I'm still getting to make some choices for Lily. I chose to have her photo made "with" Santa. What a lovely and comforting way to look at it.
The holidays are difficult to face after losing a baby. It is such a special time of year that reminds you of everything you are missing out on with your child. I have put together a few ideas on how to incorporate your baby into the season. Each year, I try to edit this post to keep it up-to-date. I pray these suggestions help bring you some comfort and that it eases the ache in your heart just a little bit. I know Christmas is still several weeks away, but I wanted to share this with enough time for people to be able to participate in these things if they choose. I pray it brightens your Christmas season. It can be healing to come up with new traditions that honor your little one. We can celebrate, even in the midst of sadness.
A candid photo of me standing before my daughter Lily's grave on Christmas a couple years ago
Think about setting up a space in your home in honor of your baby this Christmas. You could get a mini-Christmas tree and decorate it with lights and whatever else you'd like. You could get a pink, blue or really any color tree, or go for a traditional one. I've had both green and gold mini trees to enjoy in my room.
Put candles around this special space and light them each night. You could even make a candle holder! Something I've done is made a photo collage of several Christmas prints from Carly Marie's RedBubble shop to be displayed in this special space. You could take an evening to listen to songs that remind you of your baby and prepare this space. You don't need to spend much money. Get creative. Think of other keepsakes you could put on display.
A fun tradition you could do is creating and/or buying an ornament each year for your baby. This is something I greatly look forward to doing in my daughter Lily Katherine's honor each Christmas. For the year you were pregnant, you could make an ornament with your ultrasound photo, then for the year your baby was born, you could make one with their footprints/handprints. You could also use their photos, name, and birthdate, as well as things that remind you of your baby to create very beautiful ornaments that will last a lifetime. You could even create ornaments in honor of your little one to give to his/her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc. You could have a separate tree for your baby, like I have, or display their ornaments on your main Christmas tree. This could be special to incorporate your baby, especially if you have other children. Seeing these special ornaments on the tree can help make your baby a part of the family gathering. You could also tie pink or blue ribbons on the tree (for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness).
Here's my box of ornaments from a couple years ago (I've sense acquired more). I've had many given as gifts (both created and bought), and have made and bought many myself. :)
Here are some of my favorite ornaments, with suggestions for where you could find some too. For one, Etsy would be a great place to look for ornaments.
Tiny Dream Shop creates lovely memorial ornaments. Keep an eye on her Facebook page. Here are a couple below that I got from her.
One of my other favorite artists, The Midnight Orange, also makes beautiful memorial Christmas ornaments. Here is mine!
She also has these beautiful butterfly ornaments. I have the blue and pink butterfly one on the top (it reminded me of the PAIL Awareness ribbon colors. :)
If you like the idea of ornaments, you could participate in the Remembering Together Ornament Swap. You will receive an ornament with your baby's name, hand-made with love, from a fellow bereaved mother. You will also make an ornament honoring a lost child to send to another family. This is such a wonderful idea! Even if you don't participate in this swap, you could do your own swap with people from your local grief support group, or other friends you've met along the journey of loss. If interested, be sure to sign up before their registration deadline, which is November 12th.
Make or buy your baby a Christmas stocking to be hung with the rest of the family stockings. It can be healing to create things for your little one and a stocking would be something very special to have during this time of year. You could make it the same size as all your stockings or make it smaller. You could write a letter to your baby each Christmas to put in the stocking. And if you have other children, they could draw a picture or write a note to their sister/brother. On Christmas Day, you could attach these special notes to a balloon to release to the Heavens. Or keep the letters/notes to keep in your baby's memory chest. My grandmother (Lily's great-grandmother) created a Christmas stocking for me when I was a little girl, and has now created one for Lily as well. This is one of my favorite ways to include Lily in the season!
Decorate your baby's special spot for Christmas. You could decorate with a small tree, poinsettia, garlands, pinecones, fake berries, a wreath, statues, or anything else you can think of that is festive. If you have a memorial garden or another special place, you could decorate that place too/instead. Or decorate a mantle or wreath.
You could get a print or Christmas Sand Tree in honor of your baby from Carly Marie's Christmas Beach Wonderland Gallery (keep an eye on her page to see when she opens up orders this season).
These are all the Christmas images I've gotten for Lily and Luke from Carly Marie over the years. I especially love my Christmas Sand Tree!
You can post these photos on your Facebook, blog, Twitter, etc. Another fun idea would be to print them and frame them to be placed around your home as Christmas decorations. That way you can share your babies with others. Or as Carly Marie recommends, print out many copies to be sent out with your Christmas cards/letters.
Speaking of Christmas cards, you could buy a special ink stamp that reminds you of your baby and use it as a way to "sign" your baby's name on the cards. Or even just draw a little heart or a special symbol that reminds you of your baby. And if you take family photos around Christmas time and send them out to friends and family, you could incorporate your baby into the photo by holding or wearing something that reminds you of them, either overtly or privately.
You could make a donation in honor and memory of your baby. Consider donating to a place that provides comfort to the babyloss community (places such as Molly Bears or Jamie's Butterfly Kisses, among many other places.) You could create a special book that keeps track of gifts given in your baby's name.
You could pack and donate a shoe box to Samaritan's Purse for Operation Christmas Child. The National Collection Week this year is November 13-20.I was thinking how hard it is not having my girl here to buy Christmas gifts for when I so long to. By participating in this, you can shop for a child the same gender as your baby and the same age they would be now. So, for me, I am filling a box for a little 7-year-old girl. I can give another sweet child in need the things I would be giving Lily and still have the joy of shopping for these things and giving them, knowing they are going to bless someone. You could ask your close friends and family to donate a box in your child's honor as well. Little kiddos are going to be benefited that wouldn't have been if it weren't for your baby.
This will be the 6th year my mom and I are either giving a box to Operation Christmas Child, or another ministry in Lily's honor and we are happy to make it a tradition each Christmas.
You could donate to Compassion International's Christmas Gift Fund. This is an amazing organization that I strongly encourage others to get involved with! They serve others in Jesus' name.
If you are reading this and know someone who has lost a baby, please tell them you are thinking of their little one this season. Also, consider sending a Christmas card where you specifically mention their precious babe.
These things might not be for everyone, but hopefully you have gotten a couple ideas. Remember what you enjoyed and what you didn't enjoy so you can figure out how you want to remember your baby next year. If you have any other ideas, please share them with me! :)
For those who don't know: red-velvet is a Lily thing that was started at my Valentine's-themed baby shower. We now have red-velvet cake or cupcakes in her honor each year on her birthday... and apparently red-velvet everything else the rest of the year. ;)
These tasty treats are from my sister Emma, and her fiancé, my friend Bex, and my Aunt Helen. Thank you all so much! I appreciate your thoughtfulness in remembering Lily during the Christmas season. 😘
My girl's spot is always my first stop when I come to Virginia. She's all ready for Christmas now. Instead of spending Christmas with her and picking out gifts for her, I've been selecting items to decorate her grave from different stores over the past several weeks. I enjoy being able to do something tangible for her. I've anticipated visiting her spot this season. She's got her little Christmas tree, a stocking with an "L," her own little snowman ornament, flowers, another snowman, a solar Christmas tree that lights up at night, and a Nativity flag that my dear friend Christine gave me for Lily's spot. I hope to stop by for a visit on Christmas Day. ❤️🎄💚⛄️🌟
This is Lily's memorial Christmas stocking, made with love a couple years ago by her great-grandmother. ❤️🎄
Bumma made one for me as a little girl, and now she's made one for my own little girl. We picked out the colors, design, and yarn together, Bumma knitted it, and my sister-in-law Kala crocheted the little strands for the green and red dangly balls.
I plan on hanging her stocking each year, one day hopefully next to the stockings of Lily's future siblings. My girl will always be a part of my life and Christmas.
If you're a bereaved parent, I'd love to see a photo of your baby's stocking if you have one.
You can read more about Lily's stocking, see more photos and a video by clicking here.
This is a Christmas post I originally shared in 2012:
I remember hearing this song in years past, but forgot about it until a couple weeks ago when I was driving down the road listening to the Christmas station. Tears filled my eyes as I listened to the words..."a baby changes everything," and thought of how my own two sweet babies changed everything for me.
A baby changes everything...
A precious baby named Jesus came to Earth to change everything. It's because of his birth and death that my entire life is changed. He was sent to Earth to rescue me...to redeem us all.
A precious baby girl named Lily was sent to save me, her mommy.
Though I am so thankful for her life, at times I am consumed with missing her and thinking about her death. I want our home to be filled with her life. Her cradle sat by my bed and waited for a little girl who would never come home. It was only ever empty and desolate of her life. The cradle that still remains empty.
Empty Cradle custom piece from The MidnightOrange
Yet, the Lord has whispered gently to my heart that my cradle that sits bereft of a child isn't empty. I saw someone who was also touched by babyloss explain it before, though I can't remember who, that because Jesus was placed in a manger over 2,000 years ago, He filled our empty cradles with hope, joy, peace, love, and life.
He alone makes the empty cradle in my heart and home bearable. His promise of Eternity with her and Him makes the empty cradle filled.
I know that though my cradle is empty and will never be filled with Lily or Luke this side of Heaven, they will fill my arms for all Eternity.
Baby Jesus was everything we all needed, and Lily was everything needed to bring me back to Himself.
I don't know if I will ever fill that empty cradle here, though I so long to. I know that the emptiness of the cradle at times will overwhelm me, but I also know my Jesus is enough to comfort me and satisfy my longing heart. Whatever your "empty cradle" is, He is able to fill it with His love and peace.
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