Sorrow mixed with Joy

Two weeks ago, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. Can you believe it? At times it doesn't seem real, especially because it feels like I have nothing to show for it...Just empty arms, an empty cradle, a broken heart, and an out-of-shape body. The physical pain is almost gone and I am getting my strength back. So, now the only things reminding me that I was at REX Hospital on March 16th are the memories, the pictures, the keepsakes, and all of Lily's things around the house.


I guess it might be hard for some people to be surrounded by the belongings their baby didn't live long enough to ever use. My dad suggested that all the baby stuff should be put away before I got home from the hospital...other people thought that too. But, that's not what I wanted. Is it strange that I want to be around her things? I want to be surrounded with things and people that remind me of her. Stowing it all away would be like pretending she never existed. But, she did. She was real. And I'm still a mother. Looking through the clothes she never got to wear helps me grieve. I want to grieve. It seems like some people in my family are afraid of grief and want to escape it. But, not me. I don't want to rush through the grief, the healing. I want to experience all of it, for as long as I need to. I like to just sit in her room and look at all the decorations. It's really hard to be in there. She'll never get to sleep in her crib, get changed on her changing table, play with her toys, wear her clothes, or look at all the bright colors. Such sorrow fills my soul when I'm in there. These days, I am experiencing so many emotions. Mostly sorrow mixed with joy. Sorrow because I want my baby here with me and joy because she's with Jesus. Two emotions I haven't felt are bitterness and anger toward God. I am so thankful for that. I pray He keeps giving me the peace, hope, and strength I need to get through each day.


Lily would have been two weeks old yesterday. I can't help but think how one day this week, we would have been pushing her in her green stroller up to 'Growing Child Pediatrics', which is only about a mile away from our home. I picture her all bundled up with her pink, blue, and green blankets and wearing one of her adorable outfits. She would be so cozy and warm, just showered with attention. She was so cute. I'm sure I would have gotten a lot of compliments about how precious and adorable she was. It's chilly out this morning. I should be keeping her warm. I'm sure she'd be growing so much.


I try to picture how she'd look deeply drinking in everything around her. All the sights and sounds so fresh, so new. How curious she'd be. I'm sure she's doing that now in Heaven. But, what she sees there cannot be compared to what she would have seen here. Her eyes will only ever behold such beauty and wonder that mere words cannot describe. No human eye can comprehend. I'm glad she gets to see it. I hope she'll show me around Heaven when I get there. I wonder if she misses me. Probably not because there is no sadness in Heaven and we will never wish it was a different way. But, maybe there is a longing in her heart to be with me again. Like, there's a longing in Jesus' heart to be reunited with His Bride.

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April, please don't come so soon.

It's the last day of March...I don't want March to end. I've been waiting for it to come for so long. The promises that March held were beautiful. A new baby girl and motherhood just beginning for me. Now, my baby has come and gone. Yes, she was born, but not under circumstances I ever could have dreamed. She's with Jesus now. I don't know what I would do if I didn't believe that. How do people who aren't Christians deal with death? How dismal and depressing it must be. I am so thankful to know she's with my Lord, but I still want her here. I know she has all Heaven's glory, so is it selfish of me to want her here in this lost world with me?

I never knew I could miss someone so much I barely got to know. The only things I know about her are from how she acted in the womb. I keep thinking I should have done more to remember her. If only I had known that precious time with her was all I'd have. I would have talked to her more, read to her, and prayed aloud to her. I would have memorized her sleeping and waking patterns and payed more attention to all her movements. But, I can't regret that now.

A very brave woman, whose precious baby boy had Trisomy 13 and passed last October, recently told me that she can't imagine how much more excruciating it is for me since I was not prepared to lose Lily. I actually thought the opposite. I got to have forty glorious weeks of planning, laughing, dreaming, and loving Lily with everything in me. I'm so thankful for that time. Even though it was the hardest day of my life to show up at the hospital, expecting to leave with my new baby, only to end up going home with empty arms and an aching heart. I feel like it would have been tougher knowing she was going to die. God is in control. He knows what He's doing in each life. I have to remember that.

At the beginning of March, I was just thrilled. Until it actually came, it seemed like a distant dream that would never actually show up. The days before her birth were going by so slowly and I wanted them to hurry up so I could be with Lily. Now I wish I had soaked them up for all they were. I wish I had cherished more deeply every moment she was alive.

Once March arrived, I remember saying Lily would finally be here by the end of the month! Several of my friends and family had guesses on when she'd finally make her grand entrance into the world. As the days passed, I crossed people off the list who hadn't guessed correctly. My brothers were the first to go. Joseph initially guessed February 29th, but upon realizing there is no February 29th this year, he changed his guess to March 1st. I thought that was pretty funny. I guessed March 12th because I was born on the 12th of August. March 12th is the day we believe Lily passed away. It's interesting the day I thought she'd be with us on earth was actually the day she got to be with Jesus...she really did make it home.

I wish March didn't have to end. It symbolizes the end of one season of my life and the beginning of the next. It should have symbolized the ending of my pregnancy and delivery and the rest of my life with Lily. It should have meant the beginning of her life, but instead it means the end. Lily's gone and I have nothing to show for my labor except an extended waistline. April means warmer weather and the promise of summer. It also means that life goes on. As much as I don't want it to go on without her. I almost feel guilty that time keeps going, not caring who it leaves behind. But, there's nothing tangible I can do for my baby without her here. Even though I want to care for her so badly.

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day, but I don't feel like being silly. Because my little girl never got to see April...or May, or June. She never got to see the changing seasons. I hope she does in Heaven. When April comes this year, the world may be moving on. My world may have to move on, but is forever changed by a sweet little March flower who taught me what life is truly all about, without ever speaking a single word.

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13 Days

It's been 13 days. 13 days since my world was turned upside down...13 days since Dr. M told me your precious heart was no longer beating. How have I made it this long without you? 13 days has felt like an eternity without you, sweet Lily. So how am I supposed to live 13 months without you, 13 years..30 years? The rest of my days on this Earth without my little flower. My mind and heart can barely grasp this agonizing thought.

I keep thinking about the days and weeks leading up to your birth. Oh, such excitement and anticipation that filled my soul! I would soon hold my sweet baby. But, the first time I held you was also the last. How could I have known? Now your body is in the earth. Alone. You need your mommy. And she needs you. But, the miles separate us. The grave separates us. I wish for one moment I could forget this nightmare. I would go back to before March 16. I would sing to you a little sweeter. Memorize all your kicks...Your sleeping pattern. If I had known these would be the only memories of you, I would have soaked it in so much more. I wouldn't have wished the days away. These were the sweetest days. Because they were spent with you. Now I cling to what I remember. Those precious nine months where you were alive inside of me. What I would give to have another 13 days...

To read the next entry, scroll down and click Newer Post.

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Out of Darkness.

Darkness.
Such darkness that surrounded me.
Threatening to swallow me,
Take me whole.
Stealing the light,
the precious light that once cascaded through me.
It envelopes me, gags me.
Taking the life within me.

Like a thief in the night,
It comes.
Robbing us of all joy.
All truth.
All hope.
The light is ripped out of us.
Trampled on.
Then laughter.
Scorn.
Ridicule.
Darkness whispers its nasty lies:
'Nothingness.'
'Unworthiness.'
'Despair.'

But, my Warrior, my mighty Warrior,
Comes to rescue me.
His princess, His bride.
He fights for me.
Bleeds for me.
Dies for me.
This is enough.
His love overcomes the grave.
Breathing His life, His light,
back into my being.
Through that dark night of faith
He was gazing at me.

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Through the eyes of a little girl.

These are part of the lyrics to the song, "More Beautiful You," by Johnny Diaz.

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God is proving these things to be very true in my life. I have been thinking a lot about what it means to see through the eyes of a little girl. I think there are many aspects to this simple statement.

So often, I long to relive the days of my childhood. And I have to ask myself why this is? It's because I trusted that the world was good and everyone loved me. I had dreams of finding a noble knight. I was a princess. I had no idea how cruel people can be, the way boys would hurt me, the way I would give away my precious innocence. It was before my dreams of finding a man that would protect me, cherish me, and adore me were all but a distant memory.

Childlike faith. Such a fascinating thing. We have it one day and the next, it's gone. Our experiences and the culture rob us of this precious gift. As we grow up, the world tells us to be realists and not to expect too much out of God and people. We're told God doesn't really want to be involved in the tiny aspects of our everyday lives. We stop trusting that God is as big as He says He is, that He wants to do good things for us and bless those faithful to Him. And with seeing all the pain and sin around us, we may begin to question if God is even good. As young children, however, it is never hard to believe in these big ideas of an even bigger God. That He gives sight to the blind, food to the hungry, is a father to the fatherless, and carried the burden of the sins of the entire world..

When we are young, we are innocent and our hearts are pure. We don't notice the color of one's skin, the clothes they wear, how they look or talk, or all the other things this world notices. Instead, we judge others by the content of their hearts. Is that not the very heart of Christ? Years spent living in a culture that warps this way of thinking leaves us with a distorted image of where true value comes from. The only true beauty, worth, or value any of us has is from our Beloved Bridegroom, Jesus.

The Lord is teaching my heart to trust Him alone. To trust that He can bless me with a true warrior-poet, a man after His own heart. He's showing me the importance of protecting and preserving my heart and body for this man. Even though I don't deserve somebody like Christ, He still desires Him for me. My desire is to have childlike faith once again...To trust that God is faithful and blesses those that love Him and keep His commands. That He desires what's best for me. That He does big things! To look through the eyes of a little girl, which happen to be very similar to the eyes of Christ Himself, and see people the way He sees them. Not judging them by the standards of this world, but by their heart. And choosing to love them, no matter what the cost. To let Christ wash me clean, white as snow, and again be unaffected and unshaken by the pollution of this culture. To not yield to the twisted agenda of this culture. God is much bigger than the devil or anything and anybody in the world. His words are true and He can never lie. He desires to give us life and life more abundantly! May we all see through the eyes of little children again.

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My Love Hasn't Grown Cold.

"by Bethany Dillon"

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things
Because oh, my love does not tire
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you
You cold steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies
But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here
For you
If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery
And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

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Life Happenings...

Well, I'm almost 32 weeks along now. My due date is two months from today...March 14th. Where is the time going? I'm getting very eager and excited, anticipating Lily's arrival. In a way, I feel like I simply cannot wait, but in a way, I feel totally unprepared.

I've been bustling around so much lately, organizing, cleaning, rearranging...I didn't really realize what this was all about until my mom pointed out last night that I'm 'nesting.' Too true! It's so funny that mothers of all species do this to prepare for their young. I feel like I simply cannot rest until everything is perfectly prepared for this little girl. My mind is constantly going with thoughts of what I still need to do...Finish organizing, cleaning, baby-proofing, getting her nursery ready, getting everything she'll need in the first few weeks of life, washing all her clothes so they're clean and fresh. Getting together what I'll need in my first few weeks of being a new mother, getting my baby registry prepared, getting my hospital bag ready as well as Lily's coming home bag prepared. Packing and repacking. Making lists...lots of lists...of everything. What to add to my registry, what I need, what to pack, etc. My mind is definitely extremely organized these days. I guess it's just part of becoming a mother. I realize I have someone else to take care of now...It's not just me. Things are going to be changing so much. I pray that I'll be ready. I pray that I can finish getting ready before Baby decides to join us.



I'm also planning my baby shower. I'll be having one on February 13th with NC friends and one in May when we go to Massanutten, with VA friends and family. The one in February is going to be a Valentine's theme shower...Lots of chocolate and pink! I'm getting very excited about the shower itself, as well as seeing old friends! I'm going to go to Michael's today to get supplies to make my own baby shower invitations. I love card-making now. :) I'll try to post some pictures of the finished cards before I send them off...Anyways, just a little update on what's been happening here in Raleigh.

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