feelings & truth

On March 17th, the day we had Lily's 2nd Heavenly Birthday balloon release, I was at a party store, picking up the balloons. All the women around me were talking about how they are getting pink balloons for their baby shower, their daughter's baby shower, or a shower they were going to. One lady says, "everyone is having girls!" They proceed to talk about birth experiences, labor and the like. As if this wasn't enough to get me emotional, I see a young couple in front of me waiting in line with a little girl. It's always difficult to see little girls, but I didn't think too much about it...that was, until I noticed they were getting balloons blown up with a big number 2 on them. Yep, that's right, they were getting balloons for their little girl's 2nd earthly birthday party. I thought it was ironic that there I was, getting them for my little girl's 2nd Heavenly birthday balloon release. I felt like I wanted them to know how different our days were. To make sure they knew how blessed they are to have their sweet girl here. I mean, sure, I'll see a lot of little girls that are one or two. But, of all days and times to be in that store, I was there at the same time as them. Our daughters just may share their actual birthday. And even if not their actual day, they are born extremely close together. How different March 2010 was for me than for them. It was such a strange feeling to realize that my daughter would be big like that now! I am telling you, this little girl kept staring at me. It was weird to think Lily would be picking things up off the shelves and showing them to me.

Later that day, I saw neighbors in my friend's culdesac and heard a little girl crying but didn't pay much attention to it. When I was going back inside, two little girls (one maybe four or five and her little one-year old sister) were walking towards me. They were with their grandmother who said, "excuse me, my granddaughter thinks you are her mom and I'm trying to show her that you aren't." Gulp. That's why she had been screaming and crying from across the culdesac. Even when she got right by me, she still thought I was her mother! I will never forget the look of that little girl and how she was desperately reaching her arms out to me. It made me ache to know Lily never got to know me as her mother like that. It made me ache for a child that will reach for me, in a way that a child only reaches for her mother...except in this case when this kid seriously thinks I'm her mom! It was the strangest thing. And the grandmother said I don't even look anything like her daughter who has red hair...


Sigh. 

Or how about Target. I shopped in Target all the time when I was pregnant. There is one only about a mile from my house and I loved just going in there and looking around. I even registered for my baby shower there. So, in the months after first losing Lily, it was bittersweet to be in there. It felt like her store, and it will forever remind me of her. It's not as hard now as it once was, but there will be times where I'll be walking past the baby section and see all the spring clothes for little babies and I'll remember the spring when I was shopping there for my own little baby that I never got to bring home...the little baby that never got to wear any of those clothes. And the tears will come and it will feel so raw and fresh again.

These are the everyday moments that can be the hardest. The moments when nobody else realizes how difficult they are for me. The moments when I'm desperately aching for a child to hold, to raise on earth. The moments when I miss the little girl I had to let go of before I ever even got to know. But, in these moments, my King gently reminds me to give it to Him. He reminds me that I am not to be ruled by feelings and experiences. But truth. And the truth is that my God works all things together for His glory and my good. He desires what's best for me and the legacy of my child and I cling to that truth.


"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice." -Philippians 4:4


In the midst of the sorrow, I will rejoice in Him. In the midst of the laughter, I will rejoice in Him. Always. Forever. He is good, no matter what my circumstances or pain. No matter what I face, I am His. No matter where I am in life, He holds me. I will remind myself of all that He's done in my life and cling to the truth that He is my Rescuer and my Redeemer, my Healer and my Friend. My Beloved. I will lift my hands in faith. 


I will believe.

This is a song that has meant so much to me. I pray you are blessed by it today and that you look to the Savior, the one Who holds the world in His hands. No matter what you are facing, He is enough. 

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My Love Hasn't Grown Cold.

"by Bethany Dillon"

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things
Because oh, my love does not tire
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you
You cold steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies
But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here
For you
If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery
And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

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You Just Lost One...

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Nothing Else Matters.

I realize how throughly inadequate I am to do anything alone. The only trace of good that is in me is Jesus. Not me at all. It is in my greatest times of doubt, hurt and need that I am reminded that God is always there, holding my hand, even when it feels like He isn't. At times, the whole world seems to turn against me and I feel like there is nobody to understand the deepest part of me. At times when I cry out to God for help, I feel so alone. But, I remember the suffering His love put Him through and I realize that life isn't meant to be easy. It's in my times of pain and discomfort that I learn the most about God and draw near to Him.

I somehow think that I am more capable of making decisions for my life than the Creator of the universe...but, each time I make a stupid choice about something and let my heart break over something, I am brought back to my knees and realize that God knows me better than I know myself. Why is it that I have to learn to trust Him over and over when He has never given me a reason to doubt?

I'm willing to lay it all down for Christ because nothing else matters. Honestly. No matter how much I try to fill my heart with other things, I am constantly brought back to my beautiful, sweet Jesus. He is all that matters. Remember that. Nothing else. What are the hardships we face today in light of eternity? God is worth giving up anything else and living completely set-apart for Him because He is the only one who satisfies. His love does not tire. He is awake when the moon is full. He is the most real thing in this life. Seek His face.

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Christmas Day 2009.

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The Spirit is Willing.

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Go - Jackie Pullenger.

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Nothing to do with sin & everything to do with God.

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Faith Like Potatoes

The Lord has really been laying something on my heart this week. He is challenging me in such a new, exciting, refreshing way! I hope I can encourage you in whatever place you are in life.

Why do we have such little faith in the God that created the entire universe? The God that raised men from the dead, made the blind see, and saved the world from an eternity spent without the Lover of our souls...Sure, we believe that He can do big things, but we never actually think that He will do anything big in our everyday, normal lives. I mean, after all, the God of all the Heavens and earth has better stuff to do than fret over us, right? As Leslie Ludy put it in her most recent online magazine article, 'Wrestling Prayer,' for November/December 2009,

"Why is it we can believe the Bible and believe God can do anything He wants, but we for some reason become sheepish and hesitant whenever the idea of God doing something huge is applied to our personal situations or circumstances?"

It is so easy to become extremely discouraged in a world filled with such pain, heartbreak, and discouragment. A world without Jesus is a sad, scary, lonely place. This past week, my heart has been heavy, and the weight of the world has been resting on my shoulders. My heart and soul have been experiencing such deep grief and despair. I have been reminded of some of my deepest hurts, doubts, and sadnesses. I was almost to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. It's so easy to feel so alone and like nobody understands my heart. Why do people treat each other so poorly? Why are people so heartless, so mean, so insensitive? How can mothers abort their own children? How is it so easy for people to give up friendships and relationships as if they never were? Why are people so wrapped up in their own selfishness that they overlook the pain they cause others? Why are people so afraid of Jesus? Are they afraid of Him, or are they afraid of giving up their own pursuits in order to live for Him? Why do people so utterly detest the Lover of my soul, Jesus? Why can't I save these young girls in my life from a life that will only bring them heartache? I want to tell them so badly, "I have been down this road and you don't want to face the consequences!" But, what can mere words do if their heart isn't ready to listen? Perhaps that's how my sweet Jesus feels about me...and about all of us. He doesn't want to take away these fleeting pleasures because He is a mean God and wants to keep us from having fun..it's because He wants to protect us from the hurt He knows is to come from our poor decisions. These are just some of the questions and sadnesses I have been carrying around in my heart. For so long, I keep them locked up inside me. But, the tears have come to the surface and I can't hold it in any longer.

My sweet Jesus has been tugging at my heart, asking me to trust Him more. He is reminding me what a BIG God He is! Yes, this world is a sad place to live. We were never meant to live in such a broken place. That's the result of what our sin does. We have free will and because of our sinful natures, heartbreak is sure to ensue. This world wants us to believe that we shouldn't have such big expectations of God because we will only be left dissapointed. We are supposed to believe that He doesn't care about being involved in our lives. He's just sitting back in a Lazy-Boy recliner, watching us all make a mess of our lonely lives.

These things are simply not true! A couple months ago, I read Leslie Ludy's book, Set-Apart Femininity (which I highly recommend!). She discusses how God wants us to have big faith in all He will do in our lives. He desires to showcase His supernatural strength and power through us. He is ready to show us His complete faithfulness to fulfill His promises. 


Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Perhaps what we are lacking is truly laying everything down and SEEKING Him. Are we giving everything else up in order to know Him more? Philippians 3:8 says, "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ." Do we even believe that our prayers can and will be answered?! Martin Luther said, “No one can believe how powerful prayer is and what it can effect, except those who have learned it by experience. Whenever I have prayed earnestly, I have been heard and have obtained more than I prayed for. God sometimes delays, but He always comes."

After reading Leslie's book, a seed was planted in my soul. Am I willing to trust the Lord and lay everything down to know His heart more? Then, today, I came across her latest blog and magazine article, both further pressing this challenge on my life. The Lord wants me to trust that He will provide for anything and everything I could possibly need. He is asking me to trust that He will work miracles, both big and small, in my very normal life. But, first He is asking me to lay everything at His feet. He wants me to get out of my comfort zone and learn to lean on Him more.

After reading the online magazine article, I realize that I need to only fill my heart, soul, and mind with things that are going to strengthen my faith and build it up, rather than bring doubts and fears into my heart and life. I need to read about and listen to testimonies that glorify the faithfulness of God and disregard all messages that speak anything else. There is a process of getting rid of any negative in my life and only bringing in the positive. Philippians 4:8 instructs, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

The Lord is also showing me that he wants me to get specific in my prayers and to pray without ceasing. He wants me to ask for specific things and wait patiently for His answer. It is sure to come! I am going to keep a prayer journal with even the smallest prayers in it, so when I look back in months or even years, I will be amazed at the faithfulness of a God who loves me very, very much. The Lord wants us to trust, without a doubt, that He is going to come through for us and never let us down! Psalm 62 says, “In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge is in God. Trust in him at all times; you people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us.”

Leslie wraps up her blog stating, "Whether the crisis is a swarm of bees, an attack of fear, struggles with sin, or any other problem, we have a strong, ready Rescuer, just waiting to deliver us when we call upon His name. Let us never cease to have the confidence and faith of a little child – and believe that our God is ready and able to save."

Now, the title of my blog. Ironically, after reading these blogs today, I rented the movie, Faith Like Potatoes, (great movie, by the way! And based on a true story) which goes along with this very message. A farmer in South Africa is affected and used by God in a big way. Through numerous trials and tribulations, God never ceases to come through for him. We should all have faith like potatoes, so to speak. When potatoes are growing, you can't see them, but they are still there. And they are very real. That's what our faith in God should be. The potatoes in the movie show God's faithfulness. And I believe God wants to show all of us His faithfulness. So, let's all start trusting and believing that He will do what he says He will and always remain faithful to His beloved.

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