Hear my story

As promised, I have uploaded my testimony to vimeo. This is the recording of me sharing my story at Ellerslie Leadership Training on April 13, 2012. It might be a little different to actually hear me tell it, rather than just reading it on my blog! I hope to have a video version of me sharing my testimony at some point in the near future. My friend, Sarah, starts off with prayer. At the end, my sister shares a little bit from her perspective. It was so neat for her to be there when I spoke. It was actually her Ellerslie basic semester, so such a special season! I pray you are blessed by this. Feel free to share it.

(be sure to pause the music at the bottom of this blog before listening)

Tweet

Sharing My Testimony at Ellerslie

I just got home after visiting Ellerslie for a week and a half. My sister graduated from her basic semester on Sunday! My, how time flies. The Lord is working mightily in her life and it's such a blessing to be a witness to it!

I was asked if I would share my testimony at Ellerslie and I, of course, said YES! It is so humbling to think that the Lord would speak through my life and story and give me opportunities to share! I know He is giving me these smaller arenas to share and if I prove faithful, He will give me more.

When I went out to Colorado, it may have briefly crossed my mind about sharing because I did last semester. But, I didn't give it much thought. I just leave it in the Lord's hands and if He wants to give me the opportunities to speak, I just say yes, Lord, I am willing. Then, when they asked me, I was delighted! What an honor and joy it is to speak of how He transformed my heart and saved a wretch like me!

As I thought more and more about sharing, I started getting extremely nervous. One afternoon, I was talking to my friend Sarah about this and the Lord really spoke through her. I realized that even though being nervous seems like the natural human response, as I began to examine the reasons for why I was nervous, I realized it was of the flesh and very selfish. I was afraid of what people would think of me. I wanted to preserve my name and reputation, as if there is anything to preserve! I wanted to sound like an eloquent, fluent speaker and was afraid of making a fool of myself. I found myself in this place of surrender and asking the Lord to use me and break me so that I cared not at all about my own name or what others thought. This is about His name and His glory! An Ellerslie audience can be a bit intimidating because not many people there have a past like mine and it can make me feel uncomfortable. Yet, the Lord has shown me that this is the best place to start sharing! These people may not have a past like mine, yet they love with the love of Christ and show His mercy and forgiveness! They see the beauty in the story and how Jesus rescues triumphantly! No matter how many times I share my story in the future, what a gift to know the first couple times were at Ellerslie to my precious brothers and sisters in the Lord. Ellerslie and the Ludy's have been such an instrumental part in my story and it is so precious to be able to share my story there.

I have been reading the book "They Found the Secret" by V. Raymond Edman, which is AMAZING and you should read it too :)! I read about the life of Samuel Logan Brengle and came across this quote:

"His ambition was to be a great speaker; and he sought the power of the Holy Spirit to that end. He rationalized that a great speaker would do more for the glory of God than one who was mediocre. Finally, in utter desperation, he prayed, "Lord, I wanted to be an eloquent speaker, but if by stammering and stuttering I can bring greater glory to Thee than by eloquence, then let me stammer and stutter!" (speaker was actually preacher in the book)

I read this and realized at a deeper level that this is not about me and sounding/looking good to the world. This is about my King's glory and His Kingdom! What a glorious revelation and freedom to say to the Lord, "Use me! I don't care how I look or sound! As long as I am in Your perfect will and bringing glory due Your name!"

I have spoken to an audience three times in the last six months. And I realized I didn't attempt to get myself any of those opportunities. It's when it's in the Lord's plan that it works. I was asked all three times to speak. And I have come to realize, He is building me for something. Something more and beyond all I can dream right now. It was so sweet to be so well received in my sharing. And I realized it won't always be this way. This story will face opposition because it represents Christ and LIFE. But, I know I must stand firm and go where He is calling me. I must share when He asks me to. In my own plans, I picture sharing at pregnancy center banquets and Pro-Life events, yet I am not sure if that's entirely the direction the Lord is leading me in. This story is about Jesus and His name being high and lifted up and I will never change what I share, depending on the audience. This is a Pro-Life story, but more than that, it is a story of LIFE IN HIM. Being Pro-Life only matters because Jesus is the Author of Life! I will never take Him out of the story, for He is the story! So, who knows...I may share at Pro-Life events, churches, youth groups, etc. But, one thing I know for sure, this is a story about the Author of LIFE!

There's nothing in me that desires to show what a wretch I am. Yet, I share because I am compelled. I was made for this, to glorify my King! I was created for such a time as this, for this battle for unborn life, this battle for eternal LIFE. And He is equipping me to fight. I know full well that as I raise my sword, the battle has already been won! Victory is His, therefore victory is mine! All things are under His feet, so all things are under mine! He has crafted me for this specific day, for this specific battle. And so He has made you for such a time as this, for whatever battle He is calling you to fight for His name and glory. Oh, may the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering!

On the day that I was to share, I was feeling so nervous that it almost made me physically sick. All my thoughts were scattered. The Lord allowed me to come face to face with my own inadequacy. I knew it would only be Him that gave me the strength. I was on my face, tears streaming, and begging Him to give me the strength to stand up and be His voice, as well as the voice of both my children. I begged Him to be with me and give me boldness and courage to expose the deepest parts of me. I asked that He would take away the nerves. I asked that this would only be about Him and everything about me would fade away. I asked that others would walk about thinking Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus and Hannah Rose wouldn't even be a thought in their minds! I didn't feel the strength, but He was asking me to step out in faith, fully trusting and knowing He would give me what I need, the moment I needed it.

I got up on that stage and as soon as I did, the nerves melted away. I have always been a shaker when I am in front of people talking. The Lord did not make me a natural speaker, so that I would need to depend upon Him. I knew it was His strength alone that swept through me as I stood up there to share. He chooses the weakest and least likely among us to showcase His strength and victory! In that moment, I felt so at peace. I thought to myself, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. This is where I belong, sharing my Jesus and the legacy of my sweet babies. I was overwhelmed with the power of the Cross. I saw myself, three years ago, in the depths of the darkness, having an abortion, living rebelliously. And I never could have dreamed in that moment where the Lord would take me. How He'd use my sin and sorrow and turn it into a glorious display of His power and sovereignty. I never could have imagined that one day, not too far away, I'd be standing on the Ellerslie stage, sharing my story!

If you know me well, you know that I can be a fast talker and if I get nervous, I talk so fast that I become breathless. Well, I didn't have trouble with that at all! I was talking slowly and distinctly, without a problem. The Lord gave me the words to articulate my experiences and what He's done in my life. I also had to rely upon Him that He would show me what details to leave out and what to keep. I had an hour to share and had never practiced sharing in a formal way, let alone in a specific time slot. The Lord gave me exactly what I needed and everything ended at the exact perfect time! I had also never shared my testimony in front of guys before, so I had to trust that the Lord would make me sensitive in what I said. Since my story is so close to my heart, it can be hard to "hold it together." I want to show the emotion behind it, but not crying hysterically, ya know? The Lord really gave me the grace to share and show my heart, yet not too much.

Oh, He is so good! If He asks you to do something, trust He will give you what you need! At the end of my talk, I shared the video tribute I made for Lily. Then, my sister got up and shared a little from her perspective. Then, it was closed out in prayer. It was such a special time. I truly felt the presence of the Lord sweep through the room after the video ended. It was such a sacred moment, for this is such a sacred story. A story that He takes very seriously. It is the living power of the Gospel displayed in my life.

During my talk, I wore my Lily footprint necklace (with her actual footprints engraved, scaled down of course.) I plan on wearing this each time I speak, holding her close to my heart. :-)

It was so neat to meet several people that have been following my blog! How special that they got to hear my story in person, with true emotion, rather than just reading it. It was such a blessing to hear the feedback and how the Lord was using His story of life and redemption in each individual life. I also got to share my testimony with numerous people individually (or with a couple people) throughout the week. Thank You, Jesus! It was extra sweet that my sister got to be there and Bex, who has been such a big part of my story. I got to hear her share her testimony last semester and she missed mine last semester, so I was so incredibly thankful she could be there this time around!

My talk was audio recorded and as soon as I figure out how to upload it somewhere, I will share it here on my blog! A few months ago, when I told Eric Ludy that I had shared my testimony, he said I should record it every time I do so I can see how the Lord grows me as a speaker. :-)

My sister snapped a couple photos for me. :-) Too bad it's not a wide lens, so you could see everyone in the Chapel

Tweet

Where I've Been.

I've decided to share bits and pieces of my testimony in a series of posts...how I first came to God, how I strayed away from Him, and how He brought me back. To God be the glory!


In order for one to understand who I am today, you must understand where I've been. I grew up in a Christian home and always knew God was real. His fingerprint Has been on my life since the day my dear mother birthed me into this world. 


However, He didn't become the center of my existence until the summer I turned fifteen, in 2004. I was homeschooled through the fourth grade, then in fifth grade, I attended public school for the first time. The next few years of my life were full of heartbreak and tears. Once a confident and happy girl, I turned into a shy, awkward girl, lacking any sort of confidence. That's how I was at school anyway. At home, I was still that innocent, sweet girl, longing to find meaning and confidence in everyday life.

Many things happened in those five years leading up to my fifteenth birthday. Boys broke my heart and tried to rob me of my pure, lily-whiteness. Friends came and went. I hurt some of them, and some of them hurt me. Deeply. My best friend all through those years broke my heart tremendously. We went through everything by each other's side. I look back on those years with fondness. Struggling through those adolescent years, some days feeling more like a girl, and other days, longing to be the woman I would soon become. 


Those days were filled with make-up, shaving, bras, hairstraighteners, and boys. We were striving for independence with every breath. Yet, our hearts were still girlishly innocent, playing with Barbies and braiding the hair of our American Girl dolls. We didn't know how much we needed each other..How much we needed our mothers. How these days of childlike innocence would soon be gone. 


In the midst of these days, we longed so much to be all grown up, making our own decisions. My heart still longs for those days. If I had known how fleeting they would be, would I have cherished them more? Maybe I wouldn't have wanted to grow up so fast. Just as soon as those days were over, our innocence was stripped away from us. I lost something in those years, something very valuable and precious. Something not easy to get back. I lost my innocence, my dreams, my confidence, and my faith in humanity. My best friend all of a sudden decided that I wasn't good enough for her, that she was too spiritually mature for me. I still don't understand why that happened and it still bothers me. At times, I still long to be her friend, and share my deepest longings and secrets with her...But, those days are gone now.

Looking back, how did I not see what was being done to my pure heart? When I was a mere sixth grader, I remember one of my dearest friends losing her virginity...But she was my age. She was just a girl like me. Shouldn't she have been sheltered by her parents? Shouldn't she have been at home, dressing her dolls, her young, impressionable heart being nurtured and protected? 


My mom had no idea these things were going on in our school, even among my friends. We were simply too young, it was unheard of. So many things I kept from my mom, things I now wish I had told her so she could have saved me. But, there was no way she could have known what went on day in and day out in my life. These things were unspeakable, to our parents anyway.

Things only continued to get worse. By seventh grade, boys on my track team were pressuring me into performing sexual acts with them. I realized at this age that I was supposed to seperate my heart from my body. In order to have male approval and be seen as desirable, I should be able to do anything with any boy and not become involved emotionally. By eighth grade, my girlish heart was all but ripped out of my chest. My dreams of having a knight in shining arm that would love me and only me forever was quickly diminishing.

One incident that vividly sticks out in my mind was a time when I was thirteen and went to the local bowling alley with one of my best friends at the time. Her boyfriend who was our age was with us, as well as someone he knew who was twice our age. My mom didn't know he would be there, or she would have never let me go. I didn't know he would be either. This man, this twenty-six year old MAN, kept propositioning me to go outside to his truck with him. I didn't. I was afraid. Weren't adults supposed to do what was right? Weren't they supposed to protect me? After all, the adults in my life were parents, aunts, uncles, and trusted teachers and coaches. And here was this man, twice my age, trying to rob me of my most precious gift. A gift that I would one day give my future husband...the priceless treasure, my heart, body, and soul.

The way the culture told boys and men to act was taking its toll on me. I wasn't like that perfectly proportioned, flawless model I saw splashed on magazine covers or on the movie screen. I was an awkward girl, barely in my teens, with a face full of acne, frizzy hair, and a timid walk. I longed to be seen as beautiful. But, everything around me told me I wasn't. The boys in my grade and at my school told me I wasn't. There was one certain boy whose teasing haunted me for years. We went through middle school together, or muddle school, as my mom calls it, because we were all just muddling through. And, when we made it to high-school, he was in a couple of my classes. I dreaded going to school because I didn't want to face this boy. He tortured me and picked on me and made me feel like a nobody. I didn't want to say a word in class, in fear that he would notice me and find something else to pick on me about, thus destroying my self-esteem further. And this was just accepted and tolerated. Boys are expected to act this way. To act as if girls aren't precious and valuable. And I started to believe the lie. 


Something in my heart always told me this wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

Many other things happened in those five years to rob me of my innocence, purity and confidence. But, by the time I turned fifteen, I couldn't take it anymore. At the time I needed it most, the Lord brought a book into my life that would change the way I looked at the world. I still remember looking around in that Christian bookstore with my mom. It was like God brought me to that book because something about it caught my eye and captured my attention. The book was called, "Authentic Beauty," by Leslie Ludy. It was the instrument God used to radically transform my existence.

In her book, Leslie addressed exactly what I had been going through and was still going through. Her book gave me hope that my dreams of one day having a chivalrous knight was something that is feasible, rather than just a long-lost dream. Leslie introduced me to the true knight in shining armor, like I had never known Him before. His name is Jesus and He was calling me to Him. He showed me that He could use all my past hurts and regrets and shape me back into his lily-white likeness. He gave me hope and a future. The reality of who He was and is and will be forever was enough to get me through another day. My existence from this day forward was radically transformed...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:11-13

Tweet

Nothing Else Matters.

I realize how throughly inadequate I am to do anything alone. The only trace of good that is in me is Jesus. Not me at all. It is in my greatest times of doubt, hurt and need that I am reminded that God is always there, holding my hand, even when it feels like He isn't. At times, the whole world seems to turn against me and I feel like there is nobody to understand the deepest part of me. At times when I cry out to God for help, I feel so alone. But, I remember the suffering His love put Him through and I realize that life isn't meant to be easy. It's in my times of pain and discomfort that I learn the most about God and draw near to Him.

I somehow think that I am more capable of making decisions for my life than the Creator of the universe...but, each time I make a stupid choice about something and let my heart break over something, I am brought back to my knees and realize that God knows me better than I know myself. Why is it that I have to learn to trust Him over and over when He has never given me a reason to doubt?

I'm willing to lay it all down for Christ because nothing else matters. Honestly. No matter how much I try to fill my heart with other things, I am constantly brought back to my beautiful, sweet Jesus. He is all that matters. Remember that. Nothing else. What are the hardships we face today in light of eternity? God is worth giving up anything else and living completely set-apart for Him because He is the only one who satisfies. His love does not tire. He is awake when the moon is full. He is the most real thing in this life. Seek His face.

Tweet

First Glance.

"Jesus says, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one and come away.' He asks you to come out from the world and be separate and touch not the unclean thing. Make no reserves. Come altogether away from selfishness - from anything which would divide your chaste and pure love to Christ - your soul's Husband. Come away from your old habits. Avoid the very appearance of evil. Come away from old friendships which may tempt you back to the flesh pots of Egypt. Leave all these things. Come away to private communion. Come away, shut the doors of your chamber and talk with your Lord Jesus and have close and intimate dealing with Him. Oh, take care that you begin aright by coming right away from the world, by making your dedication perfect, complete, unreserved, sincere, spotless." ~Charles Spurgeon

My sweet Jesus had called me away. He was drawing me close to Him. About this time in my life, my parents got separated and my mother, sister, (who was ten at the time) and I moved to Crozet, Virginia. We were there for two years before God brought my parents back together. The day after Christmas, 2004, our Cornerstone Church group drove seventeen hours out to Kansas City, Missouri, to the onething conference. The 'Green Olive Tree' (a nonprofit, Christian thrift shop in Crozet where my grandmother has been volunteering for the past thirty years and was one of the seven ladies that started the shop) gave me the opportunity to go on this trip. And I thank them for the opportunity! Thousands of people came together at the IHOP (International House of Prayer.) It was a truly beautiful thing to see so many people there, worshiping God and drawing close to His heart. The time I spent there is still so fresh and vivid in my mind because of how life-changing it was. Our trip was about a week: a couple days driving out, four days in Kansas City, and a couple days driving back. Our thirty-four hour round trip was fun, even being crammed into the back of a van, with barely any room to move! We got to see cool cities on the drive out, such as St. Louis, Missouri...We had lots of fun chatting, singing, telling stories, listening to music, and laughing. I cherish these memories. We were blessed to stay with a dear family that lived in the area.


This was not a normal conference. I had been to many before this and have been to many after. God's spirit was truly there. There is something very special about this place. I hope to be able to go back again sometime soon. And if you get the chance, definitely pray about going! The time there was intense. There was lots of prayer, teaching, and one on one time with the Lord, reading my Bible and journaling. Hours were spent in His presence through the night at the 24/7 house of prayer. Talented and Godly people were there leading worship, such as Misty Edwards and Sarah Kelly.


During the time we were there, God worked on my heart. The layers that were separating me from Him were removed and all that was left on earth were He and I. In a room with thousands, it truly seemed He was the only one there with me. My cold hard had been broken. The tears came. God was working. I felt like I could just reach out and touch Him. I was still before Him. And He was faithful to me. I never felt such peace and stillness. Nothing in the way. It didn't come easy at first. In fact, that's why I think it's so hard to see God work in our everyday lives. Because we let at the distractions of the world hinder intimacy with Him. After praying and seeking God with all my heart, I truly found Him. In a more real, supernatural, refreshing way than I ever had thought possible! I realize that God doesn't want this to be a sort of "mountaintop experience" we've all heard of. He wants to be intimately involved in every aspect of our life, everyday! We can have the God of the Universe loving on us, and directing us always!


On the trip back, we all encouraged each other and were so excited about the new and exciting challenges God had given us. I could barely wait to get home and share what had happened in my heart and life. We got home very late, but I was still so excited to share and I remember talking so much that night. This is a beautiful memory and I need to strive every day to have this same intimacy with the lover of my soul, Jesus.


~This is an excerpt of a poem I wrote to the Lord during my time at the 24/7 house of prayer:
Take me away to our secret place.
Where I can rest in Your sweet embrace.
And though I have never seen Your face.
You're more real to me than anything I have ever known.
Today, I choose to follow you.
May you be my shepherd and I Your lamb.

worshiping God at the conference

our group eating dinner at our host house on New Years Eve! 2004

our dear, hospitable hostess preparing a tasty meal!

the stage at the conference

drawing close to the heart of God

getting ready to eat

"First Glance" by Misty Edwards

I remember the first glance

I remember the first romance

I remember the first dance

When I fell in love with you

When I fell in love with you

When I fell in love

I thought that I would never know love

I thought that I would never know touch

Then you came and awakened me

Then you came unlocking me

I've never known a love like this

You've shown the truth behind the myth

The Mystery

When it's all been said

When it's all been done

When the race is run

And this life overcome

I will remember Your love

I will remember Your love

I will remember Your love

I will remember Your love.

Tweet

My Hope for this Blog

I made this blog because I want to share my story and my testimony with whoever will listen. It's a story of God's love, forgiveness, and redemption. I want to share my passion and my hope with other girls and young women going through circumstances similar to my own. There is hope. There is life. And His name is Jesus.

Tweet