Lily Remembered at Alton Bay

Two of my favorite sisters (Karissa and Susanna) that I met at Ellerslie sent me a few photos of Lily's name in the sand last Summer. This is part of what they wrote:

"These are actually from last Summer, so I've been procrastinating on getting them to you for quite a while now. My family and I attend camp at a Christian Conference Center every summer, where we own a cottage, and have gone for our whole lives. We have so many friends and fond memories that we have made there over the years, including many afternoons spent at the private beach they have on the grounds... this is the beach, and ever since hearing about your story, and how people write dear Lily's name in the sand all over the world, we had the idea to do that at "our beach." One afternoon last Summer, Susanna and I walked down there, and wrote Lily's name in the sand, and then with seaweed (so you could see it a little better). Again, these are long overdue, but I still wanted to make sure I got them to you, so you could add them to your collection. Lily's name written at the beach, at Alton Bay Christian Conference Center, in Alton Bay, New Hampshire."

It makes it extra special that it was at a place that is significant to them. :) And I told them it was perfect to receive now with Lily's birthday just around the corner. I love the idea of using seaweed! ❤️  

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Out of Darkness

My friend Eliza recently published a book called "Out of Darkness." I got my copy today. :)

I'm so deeply touched that along with Eliza's Aunt Adele (who was stillborn), my two L's are included in the dedication. Isn't it so beautiful how she phrased it... the children who took their first breath in the King's land.

My signed copy!

All proceeds from the book are being donated to Justice For All, a non-profit pro-life organization. I'm excited to read my copy!

Here are Eliza and I in Colorado at Ellerslie last Fall.. that is where we met. :)

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A New(ish) Adventure

I'm preparing for something similar to what I was preparing for 4 years ago around this very time of year. Let me back up...

I am currently a Liberty University student, and am scheduled to graduate next spring. Finishing up my degree (I'm pursuing my B.S. in Psychology/Crisis Counseling with a Minor in Christian Counseling) has been my biggest priority at this point in my life and I haven't thought much about what will happen in my life beyond that, besides the general idea of what I want to pursue for a job and ministry. I'm trusting God will guide me step-by-step. Because of being busy with classes, even being currently enrolled in a summer class that will wrap up soon, I wasn't thinking of doing anything else before I graduate.

As many of you know, I had the blessing of going through the Basic Training at Ellerslie Leadership Training in Colorado for 9 weeks in the fall of 2011. Here's a photo of the Fall 2011 Ellerslie Epsilon Class (I miss these people! There's me in the front center in a pink sweater):

Ever since that precious season growing in the Lord with other people who have become some of my dearest friends, I have felt that my time there wasn't complete. Ellerslie offers a 7-week Advanced Training for those who have completed Basic. Initially, I wanted to go back for Advanced a month after my Basic wrapped up, after the Christmas season. However, I unfortunately was diagnosed with Mononucleosis and it wasn't possible for me to go. It's all in God's timing. Side note: I highly suggest checking out what Ellerslie is all about! :-)

In May of this year, God was leading me through some personal things that I needed to deal with. I didn't immediately do what I knew He was asking me to do, which needed repenting of. At that point in my life, I honestly felt a lack of direction and was quite frustrated and discouraged.

It reminds me of a quote I read by Terri Foy: "God will not advance your instructions beyond your last act of disobedience."

I was not obeying God and my instructions were not being made clear beyond what I needed to do first. I had to choose to obey Him, no matter the cost, and I felt Him showing me that He would reveal to me the next step of my journey after I was obedient.

I wrote in my journal on May 14th: "One thing I prayed was that I would be willing to do whatever You asked of me, no matter what it is or how much it hurts. I knew You would even have to give me the desire to do it and then the grace and strength to go through with it."

In May, by God's grace and guidance, I did what He was asking me to do (for the sake of this blog post, it's not important for me to share what that was, but I can say that it was a pretty big deal for me spiritually). As soon as I did obey Him, I felt a deep sense of freedom and peace.

I also felt a stirring within me for something different. It's hard to explain, but I knew that a change was coming... some sort of new adventure with Jesus. :-) It's incredible for me to look back and see how in each step, even when I didn't see God's hand, that He was working behind the scenes.

On May 16th, I wrote in my journal: "I got this strong impression in my spirit that I should go to Ellerslie Advanced this fall."

I vividly remember what I was doing that day and how this long-buried dream of Ellerslie was brought to the forefront of my mind, as if it was planted there by God Himself. It came out of nowhere because as I said, it was not something I was considering since I am in college and I honestly didn't think it would be feasible, so there was no point in thinking about it in the first place.

Literally just a couple days after I obeyed what the Lord was asking me to do, I got marching orders for the next step in my journey, something that I was not expecting. But, as I said, I did feel that I would one day be going back to Ellerslie, but I didn't know when, why, or how exactly. So many things in my personal life were pointing to this being the next step for me.

It is actually quite amazing how it all works out so perfectly and how the Lord placed the idea in my mind and showed me that it could indeed work out. You see, it's somewhat complicated, but to try to explain, my school semesters are broken up into two 8-week segments, rather than being the full 16 weeks. So... because of this, I would be taking off the first 8 weeks of classes during the fall semester in order to go to Ellerslie (it would be way too busy for me to do both at once). Ellerslie Advanced will start up in August (literally the day I'd fly out would be the day my class ends) and wrap up in October (shortly before the second 8-week of the semester classes begin). I would be arriving home just two days before I am scheduled to fly out to Michigan for a couple days to speak at an event.

I realized that with timing and scheduling, it could work... but I felt hesitant about going if it would change my graduation date. How could that work? Well, because I took a couple of courses this summer, and because my mom told me about something she did when she was in college, I realized after looking into it that I could still graduate and participate in the Commencement Ceremony next May, as long as I had 6 or less credits left to complete at that time. I would have exactly 6 left (the 6 I would be taking this fall). I would need to finish those classes next summer before they'd mail me my diploma, which really isn't a problem.

But what about financial aid, I wondered? Well, the financial aid would distribute accordingly, half this fall, and the other half next summer instead. I know these are a lot of details, but I want to share them to show how God has been intimately involved, even in the smallest of details!

I believe God has shown me NOW is the time for me to go back to Ellerslie. He is so faithful to guide our lives! It also happens to be the last opportunity for me to go. They will be changing the program. This is literally the last time they'll be offering the 7-week program. The time length that it is currently is much more convenient for me at this point in my life (it used to last several months). Not only that, but after I graduate, I will most likely be working full-time, and wouldn't be able to take those weeks off anyways.

Over the weeks after I initially felt like I am supposed to go back, I prayed, journaled, and earnestly sought the Lord about it. I wanted to make sure it was His will for my life and not just something I dreamed up for myself.

During this time, I listened to a particular song by Sara Groves called "Hello Lord" on repeat. It expresses many things I was feeling. Here are the lyrics (you can listen to it below or by clicking here).

Hello Lord, it's me Your child

I have a few things on my mind

Right now I'm faced with big decisions

And I'm wondering if You have a minute, cuz

Right now I don't hear so well

And I was wondering if You could speak up

I know that You tore the veil 

So I could sit with You in person

And hear what You're saying but

Right now, I just can't hear You.

I don't doubt Your sovereignty

I doubt my own ability to

Hear what You're saying

And to do the right thing 

And I desperately want to do the right thing

But right now I don't hear so well

And I was wondering if You could speak up

I know that You tore the veil 

So I could sit with You in person

And hear what You're saying but

Right now, I just can't hear You.

And somewhere in the back of my mind

I think You are telling me to wait

And though patience has never been mine

Lord, I will wait to hear from You

Oh Lord, I'm waiting on You

Right now I don't hear so well

And I was wondering if You could speak up

I know that You tore the veil 

So I could sit with You in person

And hear what You're saying but

Right now, I think You're whispering

I read a post I wrote about how God led me to Ellerslie the first time and how He provided for me in such beautiful ways. I wrote in my journal on May 30th: "I felt led to read my post about my journey to Ellerslie. I am encouraged afresh and amazed at Your love and faithfulness and how You've led my life thus far. It's incredible how You can grow my faith now in reading about how You grew it 4 years ago."

I carefully weighed all the pros and cons of going (honestly some of the cons were reasons to go. ha!). I considered my motives for wanting to go. I prayed for peace and guidance and for all the details to be made clear. I didn't want to rush into a decision. I was able to talk with a couple friends about their experience at Ellerslie Advanced which really helped in my decision-making (thanks Karen and April!) :-)

Ultimately, I decided that everything is falling into place for me to go. And I feel that I would regret in the future if I hadn't gone, but I don't feel I would regret going. I am single and want to view this time in my life as a gift, fully soaking up all sorts of adventures!

In June, I felt confirmation that it was time to apply. I remember the first time I went to Ellerslie and how I just knew that I was meant to go and at that specific time. I wanted that same sort of confirmation this time around. I waited before the Lord and He showed me when it was time to apply. So, I applied and then waited a while longer, then went through the interview process, then got accepted. And now this week, the very week that the tuition payment is due in full, the money came through (further confirmation I'm supposed to go). And I found an amazing deal on a plane ticket!

In less than 3 weeks from now, Lord willing, I will be leaving for Colorado for 7 1/2 weeks. I am excited, I am expectant, I am certain this is what I'm meant to do. If my Shepherd leads me somewhere, I trust He will provide everything I need. I will be spending a few days with my dear friend, Bex, before things officially get underway on the little campus in Windsor. I really am looking forward to that as well. :-)

I'm not sure why the Lord is taking me back to Ellerslie now after all this time, but He is. Colorado, I'm coming for you and the new(ish) adventure the Lord has planned for me out west. Can't wait to be greeted by warm, friendly faces and those majestic Rocky Mountains. :-)

Ellerslie Lake

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Not Forgotten

My dear friend Heather who was in my Ellerslie semester sent me such a thoughtful email last week. She said that as March approached, she started thinking of Lily and I more often. This is part of her email to me that blessed me so much:

"I know you've expressed struggle with thinking that Lily might be forgotten or that everyone has moved on. I just wanted you to know that although she is not always talked about, she is most definitely not forgotten! When I think of you, she naturally comes to mind as well. I can't disconnect you from her, and vice versa. Although I have never met her, she is dear to me, and I dearly wish I had had the chance to meet her. And you can be sure I will be joining you in celebrating her life on Sunday, March 16."

Thank you to those that remind me that she has not been forgotten. She could never be forgotten by me, but it does my heart good to know that she is still remembered by others too. It absolutely brought the biggest tearful smile to my face to hear that Heather thinks of Lily when she thinks of me and vice versa. My girl is so much a part of me. She's a part of my past, who I am today, and who I will be in the future. And she is a part of my Eternity.

I hope that thinking of me makes others think of Lily too, though I hope they don't think oh, how sad, rather what a beautiful LIFE and legacy that little girl has. What a precious thought it is to think of those I know and love who never had the chance to meet Lily on Earth will get to one day on streets of gold!

Heather and I in September 2013 in Colorado when I had the blessing of staying with her family :)

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To spend my life is Your reward

The Lord is strongly speaking to my spirit that this time in my life is a very important time of preparation for my future. I am to use it wisely because I can never get this time of sacred singleness back, when I have children or a husband to care for. 

I think so often those who are single can dwell so much on the fact that they are single that they forget that this time is truly so special, so beautiful, and such an incredible opportunity for growth and to do things for God that are much harder to do (some things impossible) when one has a family.

God is leading me to spend this time of sacred singleness focusing on these things: becoming a better public speaker and writer, and educating myself on pro-life arguments and reasoning (especially hiding in my heart what Scripture says about LIFE)... I know I am called to a life of ministry. I also know I have much to learn and can feel so weak and inadequate for the call that is on my life. Yet, I know that as a follower of Christ, I am not to live by my feelings, but by truth. 

And the truth is...if Jesus is calling me to something, I can trust with everything in me He will prepare me, strengthen me, give me courage and His wisdom and knowledge to fulfill His calling! It amazes me how He truly chooses the weak and most unlikely among us to be used in mighty ways. Let me be the first to tell you I know there are so many people who are much better suited for my calling...but, God truly speaks His strength in the midst of our weakness. It is amazing to look back and see what a shy, awkward person I used to be (and can still sometimes be), but that God has given me a desire so great to speak out publicly on one of the most controversial topics today...that can only be Him! He is amazing. All glory and honor is His alone!

Please pray I have excitement and enthusiasm about growing and learning (even when I feel overwhelmed by just how much I feel I DON'T know), perseverance and strength to become all God has called me to be, and the ability to use this time wisely. Thank you for the support and prayers!

God is already leading me in specific steps to take and I look forward to sharing more soon!

I have been listening to this beautiful song on repeat. It is actually one of my favorite songs EVER. An amazing woman of God named Ella Powell wrote it and sings it and an amazing man named Steve Rosen is the musician behind it. I met Ella at Ellerslie Leadership Training in Colorado and she is so gifted. This song is so powerful and gives me chills each time I hear it! I heard it at my Ellerslie graduation and have wanted to hear it again since then...and was so glad to hear that you can now download it for free! You will really want to keep up with Irish Elk Media! Click on the link to hear the song...these words are the cry of my heart.

I have been struggling lately, realizing that I have no strength in and of myself and cannot do this myself. I am so, so weak. Yet, He is strong! And He will give me His strength to fight!

Anguish of Your Heart

Ella Powell and Steve Rosen

Teach my hands to fight so they won't grow tired.
Cause my eyes to see through the darkness deep.
Battles may get fierce, but I shall know no fear.
I won't look to the left or right, but to the Cross before mine eyes.
To the Cross before mine eyes.
My hand is bound upon Thy sword.
To spend my life is Your reward.
To You, my King, belongs the crown.
So pour me out for Your renown.
I surrender all,
Yield before Your throne.
Test and try Lord.
Make me strong.
'Til I've been refined and fully fortified 
To fight for the frail and lost 
And bare the anguish of Your heart. 
To bear the anguish of Your heart.
My hand is bound upon Thy sword.
To spend my life is Your reward.
To You, my King, belongs the crown.
So pour me out for Your renown.
I'll fight for the frail and lost and bare the anguish of Your heart.

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Hear my story

As promised, I have uploaded my testimony to vimeo. This is the recording of me sharing my story at Ellerslie Leadership Training on April 13, 2012. It might be a little different to actually hear me tell it, rather than just reading it on my blog! I hope to have a video version of me sharing my testimony at some point in the near future. My friend, Sarah, starts off with prayer. At the end, my sister shares a little bit from her perspective. It was so neat for her to be there when I spoke. It was actually her Ellerslie basic semester, so such a special season! I pray you are blessed by this. Feel free to share it.

(be sure to pause the music at the bottom of this blog before listening)

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Sharing My Testimony at Ellerslie

I just got home after visiting Ellerslie for a week and a half. My sister graduated from her basic semester on Sunday! My, how time flies. The Lord is working mightily in her life and it's such a blessing to be a witness to it!

I was asked if I would share my testimony at Ellerslie and I, of course, said YES! It is so humbling to think that the Lord would speak through my life and story and give me opportunities to share! I know He is giving me these smaller arenas to share and if I prove faithful, He will give me more.

When I went out to Colorado, it may have briefly crossed my mind about sharing because I did last semester. But, I didn't give it much thought. I just leave it in the Lord's hands and if He wants to give me the opportunities to speak, I just say yes, Lord, I am willing. Then, when they asked me, I was delighted! What an honor and joy it is to speak of how He transformed my heart and saved a wretch like me!

As I thought more and more about sharing, I started getting extremely nervous. One afternoon, I was talking to my friend Sarah about this and the Lord really spoke through her. I realized that even though being nervous seems like the natural human response, as I began to examine the reasons for why I was nervous, I realized it was of the flesh and very selfish. I was afraid of what people would think of me. I wanted to preserve my name and reputation, as if there is anything to preserve! I wanted to sound like an eloquent, fluent speaker and was afraid of making a fool of myself. I found myself in this place of surrender and asking the Lord to use me and break me so that I cared not at all about my own name or what others thought. This is about His name and His glory! An Ellerslie audience can be a bit intimidating because not many people there have a past like mine and it can make me feel uncomfortable. Yet, the Lord has shown me that this is the best place to start sharing! These people may not have a past like mine, yet they love with the love of Christ and show His mercy and forgiveness! They see the beauty in the story and how Jesus rescues triumphantly! No matter how many times I share my story in the future, what a gift to know the first couple times were at Ellerslie to my precious brothers and sisters in the Lord. Ellerslie and the Ludy's have been such an instrumental part in my story and it is so precious to be able to share my story there.

I have been reading the book "They Found the Secret" by V. Raymond Edman, which is AMAZING and you should read it too :)! I read about the life of Samuel Logan Brengle and came across this quote:

"His ambition was to be a great speaker; and he sought the power of the Holy Spirit to that end. He rationalized that a great speaker would do more for the glory of God than one who was mediocre. Finally, in utter desperation, he prayed, "Lord, I wanted to be an eloquent speaker, but if by stammering and stuttering I can bring greater glory to Thee than by eloquence, then let me stammer and stutter!" (speaker was actually preacher in the book)

I read this and realized at a deeper level that this is not about me and sounding/looking good to the world. This is about my King's glory and His Kingdom! What a glorious revelation and freedom to say to the Lord, "Use me! I don't care how I look or sound! As long as I am in Your perfect will and bringing glory due Your name!"

I have spoken to an audience three times in the last six months. And I realized I didn't attempt to get myself any of those opportunities. It's when it's in the Lord's plan that it works. I was asked all three times to speak. And I have come to realize, He is building me for something. Something more and beyond all I can dream right now. It was so sweet to be so well received in my sharing. And I realized it won't always be this way. This story will face opposition because it represents Christ and LIFE. But, I know I must stand firm and go where He is calling me. I must share when He asks me to. In my own plans, I picture sharing at pregnancy center banquets and Pro-Life events, yet I am not sure if that's entirely the direction the Lord is leading me in. This story is about Jesus and His name being high and lifted up and I will never change what I share, depending on the audience. This is a Pro-Life story, but more than that, it is a story of LIFE IN HIM. Being Pro-Life only matters because Jesus is the Author of Life! I will never take Him out of the story, for He is the story! So, who knows...I may share at Pro-Life events, churches, youth groups, etc. But, one thing I know for sure, this is a story about the Author of LIFE!

There's nothing in me that desires to show what a wretch I am. Yet, I share because I am compelled. I was made for this, to glorify my King! I was created for such a time as this, for this battle for unborn life, this battle for eternal LIFE. And He is equipping me to fight. I know full well that as I raise my sword, the battle has already been won! Victory is His, therefore victory is mine! All things are under His feet, so all things are under mine! He has crafted me for this specific day, for this specific battle. And so He has made you for such a time as this, for whatever battle He is calling you to fight for His name and glory. Oh, may the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering!

On the day that I was to share, I was feeling so nervous that it almost made me physically sick. All my thoughts were scattered. The Lord allowed me to come face to face with my own inadequacy. I knew it would only be Him that gave me the strength. I was on my face, tears streaming, and begging Him to give me the strength to stand up and be His voice, as well as the voice of both my children. I begged Him to be with me and give me boldness and courage to expose the deepest parts of me. I asked that He would take away the nerves. I asked that this would only be about Him and everything about me would fade away. I asked that others would walk about thinking Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus and Hannah Rose wouldn't even be a thought in their minds! I didn't feel the strength, but He was asking me to step out in faith, fully trusting and knowing He would give me what I need, the moment I needed it.

I got up on that stage and as soon as I did, the nerves melted away. I have always been a shaker when I am in front of people talking. The Lord did not make me a natural speaker, so that I would need to depend upon Him. I knew it was His strength alone that swept through me as I stood up there to share. He chooses the weakest and least likely among us to showcase His strength and victory! In that moment, I felt so at peace. I thought to myself, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. This is where I belong, sharing my Jesus and the legacy of my sweet babies. I was overwhelmed with the power of the Cross. I saw myself, three years ago, in the depths of the darkness, having an abortion, living rebelliously. And I never could have dreamed in that moment where the Lord would take me. How He'd use my sin and sorrow and turn it into a glorious display of His power and sovereignty. I never could have imagined that one day, not too far away, I'd be standing on the Ellerslie stage, sharing my story!

If you know me well, you know that I can be a fast talker and if I get nervous, I talk so fast that I become breathless. Well, I didn't have trouble with that at all! I was talking slowly and distinctly, without a problem. The Lord gave me the words to articulate my experiences and what He's done in my life. I also had to rely upon Him that He would show me what details to leave out and what to keep. I had an hour to share and had never practiced sharing in a formal way, let alone in a specific time slot. The Lord gave me exactly what I needed and everything ended at the exact perfect time! I had also never shared my testimony in front of guys before, so I had to trust that the Lord would make me sensitive in what I said. Since my story is so close to my heart, it can be hard to "hold it together." I want to show the emotion behind it, but not crying hysterically, ya know? The Lord really gave me the grace to share and show my heart, yet not too much.

Oh, He is so good! If He asks you to do something, trust He will give you what you need! At the end of my talk, I shared the video tribute I made for Lily. Then, my sister got up and shared a little from her perspective. Then, it was closed out in prayer. It was such a special time. I truly felt the presence of the Lord sweep through the room after the video ended. It was such a sacred moment, for this is such a sacred story. A story that He takes very seriously. It is the living power of the Gospel displayed in my life.

During my talk, I wore my Lily footprint necklace (with her actual footprints engraved, scaled down of course.) I plan on wearing this each time I speak, holding her close to my heart. :-)

It was so neat to meet several people that have been following my blog! How special that they got to hear my story in person, with true emotion, rather than just reading it. It was such a blessing to hear the feedback and how the Lord was using His story of life and redemption in each individual life. I also got to share my testimony with numerous people individually (or with a couple people) throughout the week. Thank You, Jesus! It was extra sweet that my sister got to be there and Bex, who has been such a big part of my story. I got to hear her share her testimony last semester and she missed mine last semester, so I was so incredibly thankful she could be there this time around!

My talk was audio recorded and as soon as I figure out how to upload it somewhere, I will share it here on my blog! A few months ago, when I told Eric Ludy that I had shared my testimony, he said I should record it every time I do so I can see how the Lord grows me as a speaker. :-)

My sister snapped a couple photos for me. :-) Too bad it's not a wide lens, so you could see everyone in the Chapel

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Little Miss Sierra

As of Tuesday, I am back home after two amazing months in Colorado at Ellerslie Leadership Training. Read about my experiences there by clicking here. I will be blogging much more now that I am home. One of the students at Ellerslie during my semester was a single 27 year-old named Kathy. She is such an inspiration to me, just to see the love of Christ practically lived out in her life. She is fostering a little girl named Sierra whose mom is 38, has been in and out of prison since she was 17 and has five daughters, none of which has she raised. Sierra is three years old and shares a birthday with me!! Sierra was a part of our class and we saw her each day. She certainly brought a bright spot to each of our lives.

God has used this precious little girl's life to bring deeper healing to me. One of my really good friends at Ellerslie said she watched me interact with Sierra and that I have a motherly nature and instinct and how beautiful it is. One night when Sierra was in my lap, my friend looked back at us and said if she didn't know any better, she would have thought we were mother and daughter. It was healing to hold a little girl, knowing I should have a little girl right now. Then the thought hit me, "I lost my little girl and this little girl lost her mama in prison." It was almost like instinctively she knew I was a mother and felt comfortable resting in my arms as she did. Later in the evening, she came back to my dorm room (she's always asking about it) and pointed at the picture of Lily and I on my desk, saying "Baby." Then I said, "this is my little girl, Lily Katherine." And she said her name back to me..."Liwy Kafewine." :)

I was so honored and blessed to do a photo shoot with Sierra, to make a photo book to send to her mom! It's amazing that this passion for photography was birthed because of Lily's life and how God continues to develop it and uses it to bless others.

I love this sweet little girl and I love my little girl in Heaven. I cannot tell you how wonderful it has been for me to share Lily with others at Ellerslie and have them respond well, wanting to know more about her, being sensitive, and loving her with me. I'm so proud to be her mommy and proud to bring her legacy to people from around the world. I can only imagine what God has next for her sweet legacy...

Each of us students had a notebook where we could write each other memories, encouragement, and what we meant to each other, as a memorial to our semester. Well, this is the letter I wrote to Sierra...

December 10th, 2011

Little Miss Sierra,

By the time you’re old enough to read this, I wonder if you’ll even remember me. Well, there’s something I want you to know, little girl. Our great God has used you in a mighty way in my life. One day, I’d like to share with you my whole story. But you don’t need to know all the details to know what I’m about to tell you. My precious daughter, Lily Katherine was born on March 16th, 2010. Before she entered this world though, she had already gone to Heaven to be with Jesus. The hardest thing I’ll ever go through I think was losing her. But my victorious Jesus has turned a story of sorrow and sin into a story of redemption…healing…beauty. I see that He brought me to Ellerslie in the fall of 2011 for many reasons. One of the reasons was to meet you. In the past two months, God has used your precious life to bring me to a much greater place of healing.

After losing Lily, it was hard to see little girls and I certainly didn’t feel like I could hold them. It cut like a knife in my heart to over and over again be reminded of what I was missing out on with my daughter.

You’re one of the first little girls I’ve held since her. And God has shown me I can do this. He will continue giving me the strength.

I have so loved spending time with you-playing tag, crawling around on the floor like animals, coloring, talking, seeing your beautiful face radiate such joy and life, making funny faces with you and Faith (we called it the double chin and you just thought it was hilarious), hearing you say my name, taking your pictures, and just being around you.

One particular time I will forever cherish was when we were watching a movie in the chapel and you asked to come sit on my lap. You rested your head on my shoulder and were perfectly still as I rocked you. It felt so natural and I knew it was a gift from God to be holding a precious little girl in my arms when my own little girl couldn’t be.

God has mighty and amazing plans for your life, little one. Before we know it, you will be a grown woman. I pray the Lord richly blesses you in your life. I pray you let Him write your story.

One day I hope we can meet again and I can give you a big hug and tell you how the Lord blessed me in knowing you, even when you had no idea. 

I love you so much, SiSi. Thanks for the hugs, kisses, giggles, memories, and healing. I’ll miss you (so much!) and even if you forget me, I will never forget you.

Love Always,
Hannah Rose (Hannah Wose)

P.S. I showed you Lily’s picture. You said “baby” and then you said her name so cute. I can’t wait for you to meet her in Heaven! :)

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