Lily's 4th Birthday Celebration!

Lily Katherine's 4th birthday celebration has been beautiful. I have lots of photos, videos, and details about her day to share so hopefully you can feel like you were/are a part of the celebration. :) *If you are reading this through email you will want to click HERE to view the post so you can see all the videos.*

When I woke up on her birthday, I didn't feel as sad as I have on past birthdays. I had so much to do and a day full of plans, which really helped.

It was the first year on March 16 since Lily was born that I was able to be at her special spot. It was healing to spend time there on her sacred day and decorate it myself, rather than having a friend do it for me. And it was the first year her permanent stone was at her spot on her birthday, so it was extra special to be there to decorate it.

I decorated with the flag stand and "happy birthday" flag that I got last year. I may leave the flag stand there and change it out for different seasons and holidays. I would also like to get one for Lily's memorial garden at my house. 

I got four balloons for Lily's 4th birthday. And a bouquet of pretty spring flowers for her vase. Her spot looked so colorful for her special day. :) 

The four balloons that I got all looked so pretty together! The balloon on top left (in picture below) says "birthday girl" and has flowers and a butterfly on it, which both remind me of Lily (I got the same balloon for Lily's 3rd birthday). The one on top right says "you are loved!" with hearts and is in the shape of a heart, which is perfect because heats remind me of Lily and my Valentine's-themed baby shower. And Lily is so, so loved so it is perfect. The bottom left says "happy birthday!" and has colorful stripes and polka-dots and a cupcake on it, which was nice because we had cupcakes for Lily's birthday this year. The one on the bottom right says "happy birthday" and is in the shape of a heart as well and has butterflies, a dragonfly, and flowers (including a lily!) on it. 

I wanted to have fresh flowers at Lily's spot, but because the weather is still cold, I knew the flowers would freeze that very night. And because I live in a different state and cannot decorate Lily's stone or take her flowers as often as I'd like, I decided to get some flowers that will last through spring and still look pretty. I have never been a big fan of fake flowers, however I knew that was my only option for lasting flowers. I was pleasantly surprised by how real fake flowers are made to look these days. My grandmother and I went to Michael's the day before Lily's birthday and found some beautiful flowers to make a spring bouquet. I of course had to include roses and a lily, which I put in the center of the bouquet. My plan was to get more fresh roses and lilies on the morning of Lily's birthday, but I couldn't find any. So, I got baby's breath to put around the outside of the bouquet. That way she can at least have some fresh flowers (and baby's breath will last a little longer). And baby's breath is just so sweet and perfect for a baby, both in name and how it looks. White for my pure, innocent girl.

At my girl's spot. I wore a pink scarf in her honor :)

Each year on Lily's birthday, we have a tradition of eating at my favorite restaurant, Cracker Barrel. We have now done this for her 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th birthdays. This year, my grandmother treated everyone to lunch there, which was so generous of her! I had to get hashbrowns for my little Spud and so did my grandmother. :) There were thirteen of us total that had lunch together, both friends and family - it was me, my mom, my dad, my grandmother, Aunt Helen, cousin Hope, Aunt Nana, Aunt Sarah, Uncle Steve, friends Marilyn and her daughter Jewel, Aunt Ellie, and cousin Thomas.

After having lunch in Waynesboro, we all drove over the mountain to the Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet where Lily's special spot is. I decorated Lily's spot beforehand so that it would be ready for the celebration. On the way over the mountain, my grandmother and I stopped at one of the overlooks so I could take a moment to look at the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains. Even though it was such a cloudy day, it was still so beautiful. I was able to reflect on March 16 for a moment. I wish I could have stayed longer, but everyone would be waiting at the cemetery.

My grandmother's friend Marilyn, who is so incredibly kind, played her guitar and sang two songs for Lily's celebration. My Uncle Steve and Aunt Sarah are also friends with her. After Lily's stone placement ceremony last November (when I had played the song "Beauty Will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman), somehow Steve was talking with Marilyn about the song and because he knows she is an amazing musician he asked if she could play the song at the cemetery on Lily's birthday. When Steve told me this around New Years, that is when I just knew that I had to make it up to VA this year on her special day. Marilyn worked on the song for several weeks (which was really tricky to learn). 

Marilyn sat on my grandparent's and Aunt Rachel's memorial bench. The bench is so beautiful, unique, and it's nice to sit there when visiting the cemetery and thinking of family who has gone before us to Heaven.

Marilyn singing at Lily's birthday celebration

Marilyn and I together by Lily's stone

At the cemetery, we started off our time together with Marilyn singing a precious lullaby that I had never heard before, but she asked if she could sing. It is so beautiful and perfect for Lily. The words and Marilyn's beautiful voice make me cry.

Here are the lyrics to the lullaby and a video of Marilyn singing it:

Like a ship in the harbor
Like a mother and child
Like a light in the darkness
I'll hold you awhile.
We'll rock on the water
I'll cradle you deep
And hold you while angels
Sing you to sleep.
He says "come unto Me, all ye who are weary,
Weak and lowly, and heavy-laden
And I will give you
My comfort and victory
And I will hold you
And give you My rest."

After Marilyn opened our time together with this lullaby, my dad said a prayer. Then, I read aloud something I wrote for Lily's birthday. Here is the video of me sharing:

After I finished sharing, Marilyn sang "Beauty Will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman. This song is extremely significant and important to me... so much so that I even chose some of the lyrics (Out of these ashes beauty will rise) to be included on Lily's headstone. She did an amazing job! Here is the video:

 

After Marilyn sang her last song, I was able to share a very special song. My incredibly thoughtful and caring friend Heather gave me the most precious and priceless gift for Lily's birthday. She wrote me a song in honor and remembrance of Lily and her brief but beautiful LIFE on this Earth. You can read more about this song by clicking HERE.

Here is the lovely lyrics page she created.

And here is a song for "Sweet Lily."

I first heard the song the morning of Lily's birthday and knew I had to share it at her celebration that afternoon. My dad picked up some blank CD's and I put it on CD to play at the service. Everyone was so touched by it. A family friend said it sounds like it should be on the radio!

After I shared Lily's song, my dear grandmother (Lily's great-grandmother) shared a bit of her heart. Here is the video:

After she shared, we lit Lily's number "4" sparkly pink candle on her very own red-velvet cupcake and sang her "happy birthday." My dad lit the candle many times and the wind kept blowing it out, so we had to shelter it with our hands.

Here is the video of us singing to her:

After we sang Lily "happy birthday," we enjoyed red-velvet cupcakes with adorable cupcake toppers in her honor. As most of the readers of this blog probably know already, red-velvet is a tradition each year on Lily's birthdays because I had red-velvet cake at my Valentine's baby shower.

I ordered the cupcake toppers on Etsy. The lady who made them made them herself and shipped them the next day so that they would arrive in time for Lily's birthday, which was very kind of her. She made half of them with the number "4" on top for Lily's 4th birthday and the other half with a little lamb on top. Lambs remind me of Lily (especially now because Lily's stone has a lamb on top and since this was the first year that Lily's stone was there on her birthday, I wanted to incorporate lambs). The lady made the cupcake toppers a little different than they are sold so that they would all match. I love the pink and white colors that remind me of my girl. The toppers were so adorable! I am saving a couple for Lily's memory chest. 

I had considered ordering a custom cake or perhaps cupcakes with a design, however I found that this was a simple and inexpensive option, yet still really cute. It would have been too messy to try cutting the cake at the cemetery for all the people there. I used my mom's lovely cupcake stand to display the cupcakes at the celebration.

Lily's birthday cupcakes on display at her celebration. I love how you can see John 3:16 in
this picture. Lily's stone also has that Scripture reference on it and her birthday is 3:16. :)

Lily's cupcakes were set up on my grandparent's and Aunt Rachel's memorial bench. I had her gorgeous portrait from Eternal Hope Memorial Portraits on display for everyone to see and enjoy.

Here is the group of family and friends at Lily's birthday celebration - my Uncle Steve and Aunt Sarah, dad, me, grandmother, mom, friends Pam and Bob Kirchman, Aunt Nana, Aunt Ellie and cousin Thomas, and friend Marilyn.

Here is another group shot with Marilyn's sweet daughter Jewel in it (had to get a couple shots for everyone to be included since somebody has to take the picture.) 

Not pictured: my Aunt Helen and cousin Hope who had to leave early, friend Patricia who was able to make it at the last minute, friend Elise who couldn't make it, friends Joann and Heidi who came and left because they thought they missed us, and Bob and Sharon French who came right as we were leaving). What happened was a winter storm (lots of snow) came through on Lily's birthday. We had originally planned on having the celebration at the cemetery at 4 p.m., but had to move it back to 2 p.m. because of the weather. I wanted to sing Lily "happy birthday" at her exact birth minute (4:24 p.m.), but it didn't work out. We were going to leave to go back to North Carolina on Monday (the 17th), but had to leave on Sunday (the 16th) instead because of weather. I was so thankful that the weather held off until we were wrapping up! If we had waited until the original planned time, we would have been rained/snowed out. But because we had to change the time, not everyone was able to make it. And things just got messed up. But I appreciate everyone who came, tried to come, or wanted to come!

Here is Lily's spot up close all decorated with her flowers and cupcake. I am pretty sure her father left her those lilies laying on her stone because nobody else said they brought them.

My mom, grandmother, and I at Lily's spot on her birthday. Four generations!

This is my cousin Daniel's son, Owen, who was born three months before Lily. His son and my daughter would have been the best of buddies and cousins, just like Daniel and I were growing up, we are sure of it. Daniel is four months younger than me, so they are also boy and girl cousins and almost the same age apart!

On Lily's 1st birthday, Daniel sent me a photo of Owen holding a "happy birthday Lily" sign. It meant so much to me and I thought how special it would be if Owen took a picture each year on Lily's birthday, wishing her a special day. She would be turning the same age as he is each year. How bittersweet it will be to watch him grow up, changing throughout the years, and to know my daughter will never get to grow up into a lovely lady.

This is such a precious way to honor and remember Lily and to have them in a photo "together."

My sweet friend Patricia sent me gorgeous roses and lilies for Lily's birthday. They arrived on March 17th (St. Patrick's Day). It was a wonderful surprise on a very difficult day for me. March 17th was the day that I held Lily for the last time and left the hospital without her. St. Patrick's day will always remind me of her and what happened on that day in 2010. 

After things settled down from Lily's celebration on the 16th, the 17th was really hard for me. The gray sky didn't help. These flowers certainly brought color to the gray day. It was the first year that I hadn't received any flowers for Lily's birthday, so this made my day! Patricia said the name of the flowers was "Loving Lilies and Roses." :)

Thank you so much my dear friend for being so king and thoughtful and for remembering my girl with me always! Friends like you help ease the ache in my heart.

This was the note that came with my flowers: "Hannah, the love and dedication you show towards Lily's life is truly inspiring! I am so honored to be your friend. ;) Love, "Patty"

Here are Patricia and I at Lily's spot on her birthday. She was able to come at the last minute to at least see me and Lily's spot all decorated. And I was able to send her home with some cupcakes for her and her mom. :)

My mom got me a new sculpture from The Midnight Orange for my growing collection in honor of Lily's birthday. It is one I have wanted for quite some time - a lamb with a baby... perfect for my daughter of Heaven.

My awesome brother surprised me on March 18th with a pizza delivery to my house! He lives in South Carolina and I live in North Carolina, so I was not expecting this. He even got them to write a special birthday message for Lily on the box. He ordered two cheese pizzas for my entire family from Papa Johns, which was perfect because this is what my mom and I got each week when we had pregnancy/birth classes at one of my local pregnancy centers while I was pregnant with Lily. We used to do the "beat the clock" deal. Ironically, we got that on Tuesday nights as well.

One of the little boys that I nanny was born on the exact same day as Lily - March 16, 2010. That means he just celebrated his 4th birthday as well. I gave him a gift, which was also in honor of Lily. Here he is excited about opening his present. :)

"The little fella's" (what I call him) mom gave me a precious gift for Lily's birthday. She knows that we share that special day (and year). This picture frame is precious. It brought tears to my eyes when she gave it to me because I wasn't expecting anything and because it is so sweet what it says. The frame has a flower and the petals are hearts - both of which remind me of Lily! I haven't decided what photo I will put in it yet.

Another tradition we have each year on Lily's birthday is to have a get-together with our neighbor and her two kids. Joanna's daughter Ashley shares a birthday with Lily! She just turned 11 on March 16. We have gotten close to them over the last couple years and couldn't believe that a little girl who lives just a couple houses down was also born on March 16. Each year, we celebrate our shared special day with a party. We have cake and give Ashley a gift in Lily's honor. This is something I look forward to each year.

Here is Ashley with her gift this year. She absolutely loved it! I am really good at shopping for little girls. :)

This is the chocolate cake we enjoyed. My mom and I brought it this year. My mom made it from scratch (it was a big hit!) And I decorated it. Okay, don't laugh at how awful it looks haha. At least you can read it (it says Happy B-day L & A). There were eleven candles for Ashley and Lily's number "4" candle. We sang "happy birthday" and Ashley blew the candles out.

Here is the card we gave Ashley. It has a butterfly holding a cupcake. When I saw it, it reminded me of Lily, which is why I chose it. :)

This is the card my Aunt Helen gave me. Isn't it perfect? A precious lamb, lilies, and a butterfly... only thing it's missing is roses. Helen said she had this card for a while and when she found it recently, she thought of me. I like to believe Jesus had her save it for me for Lily's birthday. :) It is so adorable I want to frame it!

These are most of the cards I received for Lily's birthday.

I painted my grandmother's nails in the pink sparkly nail polish called "I Lily Love You" in honor of Lily. I had wanted to do both mine and my mom's nails as well, but didn't have time.

I gave my mom a framed photo of Lily's name in the sand in Australia from Carly Marie.

And I gave my Compassion sponsor child a birthday gift (she shares a birthday with Lily and is just one year older). :)

My friend Morgan did something sweet for Lily's birthday. This is what she said: "Even though there wasn't anything formal behind it, I want to let you know I donated a "blessing bag" in honor of Lily today. Rebecca had a 31 party where you could donate a thermal tote to a mom in the NICU to transport her breastmilk. I donated two and one of those donations was with Lily in my heart. Missing her with you today and always!"

I got a couple new butterflies for Lily's birthday from Carly Marie. They arrived in my inbox on March 14th, the anniversary of Lily's due date.

I chose white for purity because Lily Katherine's name means "pure and innocent." And I requested for "Forever Pure" to be written under Lily's name. It's the same phrase that is on her headstone under her name.

I also got this pretty dragonfly.

My sweet friend Naomi in Canada sent me the following two photos for Lily's birthday.

-Read the post I shared on Lily's birthday this year HERE.

-Read about Lily's 1st birthday HERE.
-Read about Lily's 2nd birthday HERE.
-Read about Lily's 3rd birthday HERE.

Thank you to everyone who has remembered and celebrated Lily with me this month! Whether you sent a text, message, email, card, or whatever else, I appreciate it more than you know! Blessings!

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Even Today

The days following Lily's birthday have been even harder than the days leading up to, as well as her actual birthday. I wasn't expecting this at all.

I think it is partly because of the weather. It has been cold and rainy for the last few days. Tomorrow is the first day of spring and I am so ready for sunny skies and warmer days.

Everything is feeling so.... gray.

To be honest, I am having a hard time getting back to day-to-day life. Work. More classes starting this week after spring break. Among all the other life activities. I just want to stay a while in this place where people seem to remember Lily more than the rest of the year. I want to stay a while in my memories of March 16, 2010. This place where maybe people understand more the missing even when they don't understand the other months of the year.

Instead, another March 16 has now passed and we had a beautiful celebration without the guest of honor. Now it is March 19 and life must continue on... without her. Life has been continuing on without her for four years now, but that doesn't change the missing. I have been thinking about Lily, her birth, her burial, and other things having to do with her...

Lately, I have been so busy thinking about what to do and actually preparing for Lily's birthday that I didn't have time to feel so sad. Lily's birthday weekend was really special, but now it's over. I don't want it to already be over. Now that it's over, the sadness is catching up with me. Lily's birthday is a very hard day, but it is such a sacred day where it feels like the distance between Heaven and Earth is a little less and my daughter of Heaven is a little closer.

March is a hard month - from the beginning to the end. It is a gift to my mother heart when people simply remember Lily with me this month. Thank you to those who remember her.

On Monday morning, the day after Lily's birthday, I woke up feeling so deeply sorrowful. Lily's day was over. Now it's back to life without her. It's back to people not thinking of her. Monday (March 17) marked four years since I last held Lily and the day I left the hospital without her.

My sister-in-law sent me an uplifting email that morning that felt like sweet encouragement from above. I hadn't told Kala how I was feeling, so this literally felt like God was giving me a message through her.

"Hope you are doing OK today. Remember, Jesus said He is with you always... all day, every day! He is with you today, March 17th just as much as He was with you yesterday, March 16th. :) We still remember Lily, even today, even March 27th, even April 7th. Even April 17th. Her footprints on our hearts and lives won't be forgotten, can't be forgotten. Please know this. We are who we are in part because of her life and the testimony of her mother (I am speaking of myself specifically). May this bring you comfort my dear sister."

This was such a precious reminder that Jesus is always with me, every day of every March and every other day of the year too. And He loves Lily and remembers her with me even today. And tomorrow I can say even today too... and every day after that it will be even today.

And not only that, but those that love Lily will always love Lily and will never forget her. The Lord has been giving me many beautiful reminders of this lately.

As we move further away from March 16, I pray He keeps these comforting truths on my heart. And I pray He lifts some of this heaviness off of my shoulders. Just having people remember her with me helps lighten the load.

Lily's special spot decorated for her birthday... much more about her special day later!

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An Eternal Flower

Four years ago today, on March 16, 2010, a sweet little flower named Lily Katherine was born, though the day unfolded unlike any of us expected.

Instead of newborn cries being heard at her birth, our room at the Rex Birthing Center in Raleigh, North Carolina was drowned in silence that pierced our hearts.

Lily was perfectly formed and perfectly lovely. All 7 pounds 9 ounces and 21 inches of her. She had the most adorable button-nose and heart-shaped lips, tiny precious eyelashes and eyebrows. She was my mini-me. But she was still. She would never open her eyes to gaze back into mine. I would never hear her sweet cry or feel her tiny hand wrapped around my finger. She would never see her own mother whose voice was so familiar. My womb was the only home she ever knew on Earth.

Now she rests in the arms of Jesus in her forever home. Where she will remain "forever pure and innocent," just as her name means.

God gave me the most precious gift I've ever received in Lily Katherine's life (besides salvation). Just as people give flowers to those they care about as a symbol of love, God gave me a little flower named Lily to show His love for me. Yet another reason I believe why He chose for her name to be Lily.

Unlike flowers on Earth that wither away and die, my little flower Lily Katherine will never wither away. She may not be alive on Earth, but her legacy is vibrantly alive. As soon as it seems her legacy might be withering away, the Lord breaths His breath of Life upon it, causing it to bloom all over again. You see, my Lily isn't a regular flower - she is an eternal flower, given as an eternal gift from an eternal God. The gift of her life will keep on giving to anyone who is blessed enough to hear her story. Not only will her legacy bloom forever on Earth, but she is blooming with Life in Jesus... in Heaven forever and ever. Her body is in the ground, but the beauty and brilliance of this flower named Lily Katherine will never fade away.

March 16, 2010 was the day I gave birth to my first-born child. Though she is not here to celebrate with us, she is worth being celebrated each year on her special day. She is a real little girl who was really born. Each year, as March 16 rolls around yet again, I will wonder who Lily might have become. A part of me will see her as whatever age she'd be had she lived. I will wonder what she would have looked like, what she would enjoy, and all that her full life could have held. Yet another part of me will forever see her as my baby daughter.

Somehow in the midst of all my wonderings and imaginings of who she might have become, He whispers peace to my heart and gives the gentle assurance that she was never meant to be a little girl of this world. She was called to a higher purpose, a Heavenly one, and she is called to be my daughter of Heaven. I am called to mother her legacy from Earth. But, I am a mere human, a mother, who misses the precious baby... the little girl... the teenager... the grown woman with babies of her own. I cry because of how much I miss her, yet I smile even through the tears because I am thankful I was given the gift of carrying her and knowing her at all.

What can I possibly say that I have not already said or written? Some things are worth repeating a thousand times... like I love Lily more than words could ever describe and mothering her has been the hardest thing I've ever done. But it has also been the most rewarding and beautiful honor of my life.

There will always be a missing piece of my heart this side of Heaven, a Lily-shaped piece that she took with her on the day God called her home. I trust completely that one day, that piece will finally be filled. Totally and completely. When I meet Jesus face-to-face. On that same glorious day, I get to meet Lily face-to-face too. Until then, I will go on honoring, loving, missing, remembering, celebrating, mothering...

In honor of Lily's 4th birthday in Heaven, here are some of my favorite photos from March 16, 2010...

my mini-me... the first time I held her

I have never shared this before, but this is Lily with her father

hugs and kisses to last a lifetime

my favorite picture of my beautiful girl

so very feminine, delicate, and sweet

Lily's video tribute

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Not Forgotten

My dear friend Heather who was in my Ellerslie semester sent me such a thoughtful email last week. She said that as March approached, she started thinking of Lily and I more often. This is part of her email to me that blessed me so much:

"I know you've expressed struggle with thinking that Lily might be forgotten or that everyone has moved on. I just wanted you to know that although she is not always talked about, she is most definitely not forgotten! When I think of you, she naturally comes to mind as well. I can't disconnect you from her, and vice versa. Although I have never met her, she is dear to me, and I dearly wish I had had the chance to meet her. And you can be sure I will be joining you in celebrating her life on Sunday, March 16."

Thank you to those that remind me that she has not been forgotten. She could never be forgotten by me, but it does my heart good to know that she is still remembered by others too. It absolutely brought the biggest tearful smile to my face to hear that Heather thinks of Lily when she thinks of me and vice versa. My girl is so much a part of me. She's a part of my past, who I am today, and who I will be in the future. And she is a part of my Eternity.

I hope that thinking of me makes others think of Lily too, though I hope they don't think oh, how sad, rather what a beautiful LIFE and legacy that little girl has. What a precious thought it is to think of those I know and love who never had the chance to meet Lily on Earth will get to one day on streets of gold!

Heather and I in September 2013 in Colorado when I had the blessing of staying with her family :)

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Preparing for Lily's 4th Birthday

Lily's birthday weekend is in only two weeks! It always comes up fast. I am so excited that birthday preparations are coming together finally. I have been hoping for quite some time to make it up to Virginia for her 4th birthday. Each of her birthdays thus far (including the actual day she was born) have been spent in North Carolina, where I live. But, I am from Virginia and that is where Lily is buried, so I really want to spend some of her birthdays there too.

This is the first year on Lily's birthday that her memorial headstone is there, so it is really important to me to be there. I want to be able to decorate her stone myself, rather than having to send things to my dear friend to decorate for me. I am so thankful this friend does this for me, but it is hard to figure out what I can mail that isn't too big or heavy. And it just doesn't feel right not to be able to do it myself. Tending to Lily's special spot and decorating it for her birthday feels like my way of mothering her. It brings joy to my heart, as strange as it may sound.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it up there with financial reasons, work, school, etc... but as of today, things are working out and the plans are almost set. My mom and I (and maybe my dad and siblings) will be going up to Virginia on Friday, March 14th (the date Lily was due) and staying through Monday, March 17th (the date I left the hospital without her). And of course Sunday, March 16th is her 4th birthday in Heaven. Now that it is official we will be going, I need to get all the detailed plans together.

A big reason why I want to make it up there for her special day is so I can get her vase fixed so her spot looks perfect for her on her birthday and for any visitors she may have. I hope to figure all that out with her vase on Saturday. I also want to get all her decorations in place on Saturday so it can be out there for her entire birthday weekend and so I can enjoy it each time I am at the cemetery. I plan on spending quite a bit of time at the cemetery that weekend.

On Sunday (her birthday), is when I am planning a special time of remembrance. I am going to invite a few friends and family members to the cemetery for cake and celebrating Lily's LIFE. I need to call a local baker to see about making a special red-velvet cake (or maybe red-velvet cupcakes, we shall see. I have some ideas). Red-velvet is a tradition on her birthdays. Another tradition is to eat at my favorite restaurant, Cracker Barrel, on Lily's birthday, so we will be doing that as well.

A talented musician friend of my grandmother and aunt/uncle is going to be playing her guitar and singing "Beauty Will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman (some of the lyrics to this song are on Lily's stone). I spoke to her on the phone this afternoon to discuss details. Isn't that so kind of her? It means so much to have others remembering Lily with me on her day. I would love to have a butterfly release at the cemetery, but the weather may still be too cold for that... so perhaps we will have a balloon release. I also really want to finish her two scrapbooks by her birthday to share with everyone on that day!

Since a lot of these plans are outside, please pray for good weather! I am praying for blue skies and sunshine and no rain. Also, mid-March weather has the potential to be cold or spring-like in Virginia, so please pray it isn't so cold for us to be out there. I really want to be at her special spot on her special day.

I am missing my sweet girl as usual as her birthday gets closer, but am happy to be planning special things in her honor for her day. I am happy that I will be able to spend the day with my grandmother and other loved ones who I've never gotten to spend March 16th with. I don't know how I will feel on that day, so I pray I won't be too sad and not wanting to do anything and that I will have the energy to visit with people.

Anyways, these are the main plans as of right now. There are other traditions and things that will come together I'm sure in the next couple weeks. I would love to hear input from anyone with ideas for how to honor Lily on her day. I of course will be taking lots of photos of her day and blogging all about it. :)

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The Heaviness of 4

Each year, when January rolls around, I start thinking of Lily's birthday being just a couple months away. And my heart, oh my heart, has to start grappling with the reality that she'd be turning a new age soon... and I will never know her at that age.

She would be almost 4... just the mere thought of that brings tears to my eyes. These past 4 years have passed so quickly. 4 is weighing heavily on my heart.

I open the lid of her cedar memory chest and pull out those precious footprints and handprints... in the moments when the missing is more... when I need to be reminded that she was real. I didn't dream her up. With each turn of a calendar year, it feels like one giant step into the future... a future where Lily will not live. In those first days, weeks, and months after she was born, time dragged by so slowly. Now, I find myself wondering how in the world it's coming up on 4 years since I held her for the first and last time.

I hate not knowing who my 4-year-old Lily would be. So many things about her I wonder. I wonder what my life would look like today if she were here.... completely and totally different. That's as much as I know.

When her birthday draws near, I start looking up ideas for how to celebrate... the only problem is, this always leads to finding things that have to do with birthday parties for little girls who are here. I was googling ways to honor Lily for her 4th birthday in Heaven when I stumbled across 4th birthday parties for little girls on Earth. That's how she'd look? So grown up! I wonder what theme/colors she would have wanted for her birthday party this year. In all my searching, I came across this little shirt for sale that you can put the name in to see what it'd look like. It seems to fit - Lily Katherine turning 4 - yet she will never fill a shirt like this. It will always remain empty of her. Though she still is having a 4th birthday. It's all so hard to wrap my mind around sometimes.

My sweet girl - I miss your laugh, your smile, your curly hair, your bright blue eyes. Though I never knew these things the way I wish I could have, I surely miss them. 

I miss your life in my life.

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