Even Today

The days following Lily's birthday have been even harder than the days leading up to, as well as her actual birthday. I wasn't expecting this at all.

I think it is partly because of the weather. It has been cold and rainy for the last few days. Tomorrow is the first day of spring and I am so ready for sunny skies and warmer days.

Everything is feeling so.... gray.

To be honest, I am having a hard time getting back to day-to-day life. Work. More classes starting this week after spring break. Among all the other life activities. I just want to stay a while in this place where people seem to remember Lily more than the rest of the year. I want to stay a while in my memories of March 16, 2010. This place where maybe people understand more the missing even when they don't understand the other months of the year.

Instead, another March 16 has now passed and we had a beautiful celebration without the guest of honor. Now it is March 19 and life must continue on... without her. Life has been continuing on without her for four years now, but that doesn't change the missing. I have been thinking about Lily, her birth, her burial, and other things having to do with her...

Lately, I have been so busy thinking about what to do and actually preparing for Lily's birthday that I didn't have time to feel so sad. Lily's birthday weekend was really special, but now it's over. I don't want it to already be over. Now that it's over, the sadness is catching up with me. Lily's birthday is a very hard day, but it is such a sacred day where it feels like the distance between Heaven and Earth is a little less and my daughter of Heaven is a little closer.

March is a hard month - from the beginning to the end. It is a gift to my mother heart when people simply remember Lily with me this month. Thank you to those who remember her.

On Monday morning, the day after Lily's birthday, I woke up feeling so deeply sorrowful. Lily's day was over. Now it's back to life without her. It's back to people not thinking of her. Monday (March 17) marked four years since I last held Lily and the day I left the hospital without her.

My sister-in-law sent me an uplifting email that morning that felt like sweet encouragement from above. I hadn't told Kala how I was feeling, so this literally felt like God was giving me a message through her.

"Hope you are doing OK today. Remember, Jesus said He is with you always... all day, every day! He is with you today, March 17th just as much as He was with you yesterday, March 16th. :) We still remember Lily, even today, even March 27th, even April 7th. Even April 17th. Her footprints on our hearts and lives won't be forgotten, can't be forgotten. Please know this. We are who we are in part because of her life and the testimony of her mother (I am speaking of myself specifically). May this bring you comfort my dear sister."

This was such a precious reminder that Jesus is always with me, every day of every March and every other day of the year too. And He loves Lily and remembers her with me even today. And tomorrow I can say even today too... and every day after that it will be even today.

And not only that, but those that love Lily will always love Lily and will never forget her. The Lord has been giving me many beautiful reminders of this lately.

As we move further away from March 16, I pray He keeps these comforting truths on my heart. And I pray He lifts some of this heaviness off of my shoulders. Just having people remember her with me helps lighten the load.

Lily's special spot decorated for her birthday... much more about her special day later!

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A Song for Sweet Lily

My incredibly thoughtful and caring friend Heather gave me the most precious and priceless gift for Lily's 4th birthday. She wrote a song for me in honor and remembrance of Lily and her brief but beautiful life on this Earth.

This is the email Heather sent along with the song:

Hello Hannah Rose, I know this is a day early, but I couldn't wait any longer! This is my gift to you in honor and remembrance of Lily and her beautiful but brief life on this earth. I began thinking about writing this song shortly before you came to CO in September, but didn't have my mind fully wrapped around it. As March approached, I decided it needed to come to fruition for March 16, 2014. So I began praying and writing, and this is what came about. It has been a very precious and very serious process for me, knowing that I need to accurately portray a story not my own in a way that is beautiful and clear. I tried to incorporate ways that you have used to describe Lily and your story, and since this is written from your perspective, trying to also capture the deep emotion, love, joy and sorrow that is apart of it. I know there are probably things that could have or should have been added, but I pray that this will richly bless you, and it truly is a clear portrayal of yours and Lily's story. My desire was for you to have a song that was specifically for Lily, from the outflow of your heart. May this birthday weekend be one of deepest joy coupled with the grieving that is needful to bring peace and greater rest in our Lord Jesus. Thank you for your bravery, for your vulnerability, for sharing your story with us, and allowing the Lord to use it to show His redemptive, beautiful, powerful, loving, purifying work in a life given to Him! I also thought you would enjoy having the lyrics! It was fun to put together a page that would go with the song, and I tried to design it in such a way that was similar to the style you like (old fashioned, with very feminine colors). Much, much love to you, Hannah Rose! And Happy Birthday, sweet Lily Katherine. Your sister in Christ, Heather

Heather had told me that she would be sending something for Lily's birthday and I honestly had no idea what it could be. I was at Lily's special spot with my dad on Saturday, the day before Lily's birthday, fixing Lily's flower vase when I first saw Heather's email (that was special to be at her spot when I first discovered Lily has a song now). :) As soon as I read that she had written a song for Lily and I, the tears started falling.

Even though I knew that she had written a song, I decided to wait until the next morning, on Lily's actual birthday, to listen to it for the first time. This gave me something to look forward to. On the morning of Lily's birthday, my mom, dad, grandmother, and I all listened to it together... there were lots of tears. I kept saying, "I just can't believe she wrote me a song!"

I cannot begin to describe how much this song means to me and how beautiful I think it is. This is one of the most thoughtful and special gifts I have ever received. It has truly been the highlight of Lily's birthday this year. It has made her day very special and has erased some of the bitter from the bittersweet.

The lyrics are absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. Heather has somehow captured my mother heart in these words, Lily's life and legacy, and what it means to me to be her mommy. The song just fits Lily - it is so gentle and sweet, yet also has a bittersweet sound. It depicts the sacred dance of grief and joy. Heather is an amazing musician. I have thought her voice and piano playing is so beautiful ever since I first heard her during our Ellerslie semester when I first met her. Her sweet voice matches this song perfectly.

Something that is so neat - I was recently on a friend of mine's blog and saw that someone had written a song in honor of her daughter (who is also in Heaven). I thought to myself how special that was and how much I wish Lily could have a song written about her. I wished that I was a musician, but since I am not, I dreamed of having someone write a song that shows the beauty of Lily Katherine. This was literally a week or so ago! Then came this very sweet surprise. It feels like a gift from Jesus. :)

Music has been a big part of my healing, so it means so much that Lily now has a song all her own. I love how Heather has included things that I have said or written about Lily. Somehow she summed up Lily's life and legacy in one song. I have always had a difficult time saying all I want to say in few words. Heather has done that with this song.

I have been listening to the song over and over (I even had it playing on repeat on my way home from Virginia to North Carolina). The chorus is stuck in my head. I couldn't love Lily's song more.

I was able to play Lily's song at her birthday celebration yesterday (more about that later).

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Heather, for this gift that I will treasure forever.

"Sweet Lily" lyrics (listen to the song below or by clicking HERE)

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An Eternal Flower

Four years ago today, on March 16, 2010, a sweet little flower named Lily Katherine was born, though the day unfolded unlike any of us expected.

Instead of newborn cries being heard at her birth, our room at the Rex Birthing Center in Raleigh, North Carolina was drowned in silence that pierced our hearts.

Lily was perfectly formed and perfectly lovely. All 7 pounds 9 ounces and 21 inches of her. She had the most adorable button-nose and heart-shaped lips, tiny precious eyelashes and eyebrows. She was my mini-me. But she was still. She would never open her eyes to gaze back into mine. I would never hear her sweet cry or feel her tiny hand wrapped around my finger. She would never see her own mother whose voice was so familiar. My womb was the only home she ever knew on Earth.

Now she rests in the arms of Jesus in her forever home. Where she will remain "forever pure and innocent," just as her name means.

God gave me the most precious gift I've ever received in Lily Katherine's life (besides salvation). Just as people give flowers to those they care about as a symbol of love, God gave me a little flower named Lily to show His love for me. Yet another reason I believe why He chose for her name to be Lily.

Unlike flowers on Earth that wither away and die, my little flower Lily Katherine will never wither away. She may not be alive on Earth, but her legacy is vibrantly alive. As soon as it seems her legacy might be withering away, the Lord breaths His breath of Life upon it, causing it to bloom all over again. You see, my Lily isn't a regular flower - she is an eternal flower, given as an eternal gift from an eternal God. The gift of her life will keep on giving to anyone who is blessed enough to hear her story. Not only will her legacy bloom forever on Earth, but she is blooming with Life in Jesus... in Heaven forever and ever. Her body is in the ground, but the beauty and brilliance of this flower named Lily Katherine will never fade away.

March 16, 2010 was the day I gave birth to my first-born child. Though she is not here to celebrate with us, she is worth being celebrated each year on her special day. She is a real little girl who was really born. Each year, as March 16 rolls around yet again, I will wonder who Lily might have become. A part of me will see her as whatever age she'd be had she lived. I will wonder what she would have looked like, what she would enjoy, and all that her full life could have held. Yet another part of me will forever see her as my baby daughter.

Somehow in the midst of all my wonderings and imaginings of who she might have become, He whispers peace to my heart and gives the gentle assurance that she was never meant to be a little girl of this world. She was called to a higher purpose, a Heavenly one, and she is called to be my daughter of Heaven. I am called to mother her legacy from Earth. But, I am a mere human, a mother, who misses the precious baby... the little girl... the teenager... the grown woman with babies of her own. I cry because of how much I miss her, yet I smile even through the tears because I am thankful I was given the gift of carrying her and knowing her at all.

What can I possibly say that I have not already said or written? Some things are worth repeating a thousand times... like I love Lily more than words could ever describe and mothering her has been the hardest thing I've ever done. But it has also been the most rewarding and beautiful honor of my life.

There will always be a missing piece of my heart this side of Heaven, a Lily-shaped piece that she took with her on the day God called her home. I trust completely that one day, that piece will finally be filled. Totally and completely. When I meet Jesus face-to-face. On that same glorious day, I get to meet Lily face-to-face too. Until then, I will go on honoring, loving, missing, remembering, celebrating, mothering...

In honor of Lily's 4th birthday in Heaven, here are some of my favorite photos from March 16, 2010...

my mini-me... the first time I held her

I have never shared this before, but this is Lily with her father

hugs and kisses to last a lifetime

my favorite picture of my beautiful girl

so very feminine, delicate, and sweet

Lily's video tribute

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Preparing for Lily's 4th Birthday

Lily's birthday weekend is in only two weeks! It always comes up fast. I am so excited that birthday preparations are coming together finally. I have been hoping for quite some time to make it up to Virginia for her 4th birthday. Each of her birthdays thus far (including the actual day she was born) have been spent in North Carolina, where I live. But, I am from Virginia and that is where Lily is buried, so I really want to spend some of her birthdays there too.

This is the first year on Lily's birthday that her memorial headstone is there, so it is really important to me to be there. I want to be able to decorate her stone myself, rather than having to send things to my dear friend to decorate for me. I am so thankful this friend does this for me, but it is hard to figure out what I can mail that isn't too big or heavy. And it just doesn't feel right not to be able to do it myself. Tending to Lily's special spot and decorating it for her birthday feels like my way of mothering her. It brings joy to my heart, as strange as it may sound.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it up there with financial reasons, work, school, etc... but as of today, things are working out and the plans are almost set. My mom and I (and maybe my dad and siblings) will be going up to Virginia on Friday, March 14th (the date Lily was due) and staying through Monday, March 17th (the date I left the hospital without her). And of course Sunday, March 16th is her 4th birthday in Heaven. Now that it is official we will be going, I need to get all the detailed plans together.

A big reason why I want to make it up there for her special day is so I can get her vase fixed so her spot looks perfect for her on her birthday and for any visitors she may have. I hope to figure all that out with her vase on Saturday. I also want to get all her decorations in place on Saturday so it can be out there for her entire birthday weekend and so I can enjoy it each time I am at the cemetery. I plan on spending quite a bit of time at the cemetery that weekend.

On Sunday (her birthday), is when I am planning a special time of remembrance. I am going to invite a few friends and family members to the cemetery for cake and celebrating Lily's LIFE. I need to call a local baker to see about making a special red-velvet cake (or maybe red-velvet cupcakes, we shall see. I have some ideas). Red-velvet is a tradition on her birthdays. Another tradition is to eat at my favorite restaurant, Cracker Barrel, on Lily's birthday, so we will be doing that as well.

A talented musician friend of my grandmother and aunt/uncle is going to be playing her guitar and singing "Beauty Will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman (some of the lyrics to this song are on Lily's stone). I spoke to her on the phone this afternoon to discuss details. Isn't that so kind of her? It means so much to have others remembering Lily with me on her day. I would love to have a butterfly release at the cemetery, but the weather may still be too cold for that... so perhaps we will have a balloon release. I also really want to finish her two scrapbooks by her birthday to share with everyone on that day!

Since a lot of these plans are outside, please pray for good weather! I am praying for blue skies and sunshine and no rain. Also, mid-March weather has the potential to be cold or spring-like in Virginia, so please pray it isn't so cold for us to be out there. I really want to be at her special spot on her special day.

I am missing my sweet girl as usual as her birthday gets closer, but am happy to be planning special things in her honor for her day. I am happy that I will be able to spend the day with my grandmother and other loved ones who I've never gotten to spend March 16th with. I don't know how I will feel on that day, so I pray I won't be too sad and not wanting to do anything and that I will have the energy to visit with people.

Anyways, these are the main plans as of right now. There are other traditions and things that will come together I'm sure in the next couple weeks. I would love to hear input from anyone with ideas for how to honor Lily on her day. I of course will be taking lots of photos of her day and blogging all about it. :)

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The Heaviness of 4

Each year, when January rolls around, I start thinking of Lily's birthday being just a couple months away. And my heart, oh my heart, has to start grappling with the reality that she'd be turning a new age soon... and I will never know her at that age.

She would be almost 4... just the mere thought of that brings tears to my eyes. These past 4 years have passed so quickly. 4 is weighing heavily on my heart.

I open the lid of her cedar memory chest and pull out those precious footprints and handprints... in the moments when the missing is more... when I need to be reminded that she was real. I didn't dream her up. With each turn of a calendar year, it feels like one giant step into the future... a future where Lily will not live. In those first days, weeks, and months after she was born, time dragged by so slowly. Now, I find myself wondering how in the world it's coming up on 4 years since I held her for the first and last time.

I hate not knowing who my 4-year-old Lily would be. So many things about her I wonder. I wonder what my life would look like today if she were here.... completely and totally different. That's as much as I know.

When her birthday draws near, I start looking up ideas for how to celebrate... the only problem is, this always leads to finding things that have to do with birthday parties for little girls who are here. I was googling ways to honor Lily for her 4th birthday in Heaven when I stumbled across 4th birthday parties for little girls on Earth. That's how she'd look? So grown up! I wonder what theme/colors she would have wanted for her birthday party this year. In all my searching, I came across this little shirt for sale that you can put the name in to see what it'd look like. It seems to fit - Lily Katherine turning 4 - yet she will never fill a shirt like this. It will always remain empty of her. Though she still is having a 4th birthday. It's all so hard to wrap my mind around sometimes.

My sweet girl - I miss your laugh, your smile, your curly hair, your bright blue eyes. Though I never knew these things the way I wish I could have, I surely miss them. 

I miss your life in my life.

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