Luke's 5th Heaven Day

As soon as my eyes opened this morning, I remembered how five years ago on this day, I awakened with a heavy heart and tear-filled eyes. My unborn baby would be alive within me for just a few more hours. Five years seems like so much time.

I drove to Planned Parenthood that cold Friday February morning. It seems odd now that it's called Planned Parenthood, like I could somehow change the fact that I was already mothering a babe in my womb. The nausea I was feeling day and night was a constant reminder of this. I had never planned for this. I had never wanted a baby before marriage. I never thought I'd have to deal with such a thing. Nobody facing this situation ever thinks it could happen to them...

Two of us entered that clinic - my nineteen-year-old, selfish, sinful, broken self and my six-week-old unborn child. Only one of us was able to voice what we wanted. Only one of us would make it out of the whole ordeal alive.

At around four that afternoon, the pill that would cut off all life supply to my thriving baby was placed in my hand. Hannah Rose, run! Don't do it! I wish I could talk myself out of taking that pill. The Planned Parenthood employees stood there coolly, watching me put the tiny pill on my tongue and the cool water to my lips. I swallowed. There was no going back. This little pill called mifepristone would block the hormone progesterone, which is needed to maintain pregnancy. 

Once I took the first pill, I was required to take the next set between 24-72 hours later. I was told one last time what to expect and they said if I had any serious side-effects, I was to go to the emergency room. I was instructed to come back on February 17th, to make sure the pregnancy was "thoroughly terminated." If there were complications, I'd have to have a surgical abortion to complete the "termination". They sent me on my way. I left that afternoon in tears. Tears describe this entire chapter of my life. No words were spoken. What was there to say?

February 6th is a day of remembrance... remembering and acknowledging Luke's brief, but beautiful life. The fact that he truly did exist and was the first child of my womb. It's a day of remembering what this day held in 2009 so that I never lose the urgency in sharing the truth of how horribly ugly abortion really is. On this day of remembrance, I will light a candle for my sweet child whom I'll never get to know on Earth. I will talk about him and I will love and miss him. I will share his story so that other men and women won't have to know this lifelong pain and so that other babies might have LIFE.

Read my entire post-abortion pro-life testimony HERE.

First child of my womb,

Quietly you grew, hidden from all eyes.

Why didn't I choose LIFE?

Why did I believe the lies?

Flesh of my flesh,

My baby, forever you'll be.

I'm sorry I chose the wrong way.

I'm sorry I didn't SEE.

Your life was not wasted.

Valued and precious you are.

God is speaking mightily through you.

From my thoughts, you will never be far.

From darkness to light,

You will always be a part of the story.

Our Father in Heaven promises

To work all this together for His glory.

Your name means "light" and "peace,"

My precious little one.

That's what He's brought in all of this.

In Christ, the victory is won!

I promise to be your voice

Until my days on earth are through.

I will never be silent

Until the time that I meet you.

In that moment, 

I will gaze upon your face.

I will hold you, kiss you, know you,

In awe of His great mercy and amazing grace.

Even then I know,

Your legacy will still live.

For He breathes beauty into this story,

And purpose He will continue to give.

I love you my little Lukey.

Thank you for changing me.

Until we meet, my darling,

A forever part of me you'll be.

With all my might, I'll fight in your honor,
Until the battle for LIFE is won.
In my eyes and heart,
You will always be my son.

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Luke and Lucy

"Gone Too Soon" by Stephanie Dyer of Beyond
Words Designs. This beautiful painting reminds
me so much of Luke and Lucy because they
were gone too soon from this world. It
portrays a mother who has lost her baby
 early in pregnancy.

In mid-November, I received an email from a girl who has since become a good friend of mine. Brittany found my blog address on the memorial wall at the National Memorial for the Unborn, which I left on a piece of paper there on Mother's Day 2011 (when my brother and I visited with some friends). It caught her attention because she also blogs and she wanted to read my story.

It turns out we have a lot in common and lots to talk about...we are now "email pen-pals" and write back and forth at least a couple times a week. It's always so fun to see something from her in my inbox! :) In just a month and a half, I feel like I've gotten to know Brittany so well. We never seem to run out of things to share with each other.

We have a lot of the same beliefs about Jesus and life and have a very special connection because of two precious little ones that came and went in 2009...we both regretfully had abortions at the ages of 17 and 19. And those two babies have changed us forever. A big part of who we both are now is because of them. We were both also the same gestation - 6 weeks - when we had our abortions. Brittany has a name plate for her baby on the wall at NMU, just like I will be placing a plate on the wall for Luke.

I have tried to find other stories of young women like myself who regret their abortions...who have named their baby...who love the National Memorial for the Unborn...who are passionate about LIFE and standing up for LIFE...who believe that it's important to honor these babies short time on earth in beautiful ways. I have found that in Brittany and I am so thankful to the Lord for her sweet friendship.

Brittany named her baby Lucy Marie, who she feels God has revealed to her is a girl. Lucy's name is even close to Luke's name...And Luke, Lucy, and Lily all begin with an "L" and have four letters.

I want to be a Pro-Life speaker and share my story and so does Brittany! We talk about sharing our stories together one day - how amazing that would be! Brittany will be speaking in front of a large church for Sanctity of Life Sunday in January, so pray that God speaks through her! Pray that someone may hear her story and choose LIFE if they are in an unplanned pregnancy or find healing if they've had an abortion and are living in shame and guilt.

We enjoy talking about all sorts of things from our day-to-day life. But we especially love having someone to talk to that understands this grief and this love.

I can see many reasons why God brought Brittany's friendship into my life. We are able to encourage each other in our journeys without our babies, cheer each other on in speaking out for LIFE and share resources that have been a part of our healing. We also enjoy talking about our dreams to be a voice for life and share different ideas for ways to get involved, as well as different things going on in the "Pro-Life movement." It is nice to have someone who is comfortable talking about Luke with me and loves and remembers him with me. Often times with others, it can feel somewhat awkward to talk about Luke. I feel no judgement or condemnation with Brittany...just someone who "gets it" and understands the hope and healing I have found in Christ. Yet she also understands that this is something I will carry with me forever. So many people think that those who have had an abortion have no right to grieve that loss since it was their choice. Brittany and I hope to show people that it is okay to grieve your baby, no matter how he/she was lost! (I have a lot more to say on this and will be posting about it soon). It is my honor and joy to remember Lucy with Brittany. For Christmas, we did an ornament swap in honor of Lucy and Luke (which I will be posting about in my next blog entry).

Another thing God has revealed to me...I have slowly been dealing more with the loss of Luke through the years. Everything with Lily happened so fast and so soon after losing Luke, that I haven't truly processed and worked through everything with him yet because I was so focused on her. I honestly didn't even realize there was more with Luke that I needed to deal with until Brittany and I started writing. She has encouraged me to find a Post-Abortion Bible study small group to work through at a local Pregnancy Center. I have thought of doing this before, but couldn't find anything in my search. She found one for me online and I will now be starting the study in January. I doubt I would have decided to do this, or even found a local study, at least at this time in my life if it weren't for her. I know that God supernaturally healed me from my abortion when I chose LIFE for Lily, and I know where I am in Christ and that I am washed whiter than snow, redeemed, and set free...but I believe there may be things deep down in my heart that are still buried and that the Lord desires to bring to the surface to deal with. I don't want to leave anything unhealed when I know God desires to heal every bit of my heart and life! If Brittany hadn't of told me how much going through a study helped her, I might have thought I didn't need it.

I also really want to start volunteering at a Crisis Pregnancy Center next year and I want to be completely ready for that and do everything I can to prepare. I have already worked through a Bible study and have dealt with my grief over losing Lily. I am not sure exactly what I want to do at the Pregnancy Center, but I have felt God drawing me in that direction for a while. Before, it didn't quite feel like the right time, but now it does. Brittany also volunteers at her local Crisis Pregnancy Center and is part of the reason I have decided to pursue this. She mainly works in the Post-Abortion ministry (which is some of what she will be speaking about in January, along with sharing her story). It has been nice to ask her questions about what it's like to volunteer and what not. We are able to share our different experiences with each other, which has been a huge blessing. Since talking with Brittany, God has stirred in me more of a heart for Post-Abortive men and women. I feel him calling me to step out more in this area and will be sharing more of that soon.

Brittany lives very close to the National Memorial for the Unborn and will be coming to Luke's Remembrance Ceremony when I have it there in the spring (I have a date on my mind and hope it works out). It will be wonderful to meet her in person, give her a big hug, and remember both our babies together. I am so happy she will get to be there! She had a Memorial Service for Lucy there and has given me ideas for what to include in Luke's Service. When I place Luke's name plate on the memorial wall, it will be right above Lucy's! They are saving the spot for me. It will be very special and sweet to know their plates are right by each other. I like to picture them being friends in Heaven. And I know one day, Brittany and I will meet our precious babies. I look forward to meeting Lucy too!

At NMU, they have a wall where people are free to leave remembrance items for their babies. Since Brittany lives so close, she has offered to take things there for me that I want to leave for Luke. I will mail it to her and she will take it for me. Items can be left on the wall for only a year, so when that times ends, Brittany said she will mail them back to me, so I can keep the things in Luke's memory box. How thoughtful and sweet of her! :)

I have loved sharing different resources with Brittany as well as ideas to honor and remember Lucy. It has been so special to share with her ways I had chosen to memorialize Luke. Just talking about him so much has helped me process things more and connect with him more, as my child. I feel a deeper love in my heart for Luke now. I thank the Lord for this precious friendship that has drawn me closer to my son. I look forward to lots more emails to be exchanged with my new friend! :)

Today is a very significant day for Brittany, one that I want to recognize. Today is Lucy's 3rd "Heaven Day." December 29th, 2009. Today is also the date a year ago that I first saw Luke's ultrasound photo.

I lit a candle today in honor of Lucy on her
Heaven Day. I took a photo with an angel
because angels remind Brittany of Lucy. :)

Lucy and Brittany, I am thinking of you both today. You are very special to me already and are on my heart and in my thoughts often. Lucy, your beautiful legacy will live on. I know you and Luke must be the best of buddies in Heaven! I can't wait to meet you, little girl! Your mommy is a precious friend to me and a wonderful mommy for you to have...She will always be your voice. Much love always, Hannah Rose

Photo by Carly Marie

You can read more about Brittany's story on her blog in honor of Lucy, called Her Name is Lucy.

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