To Those Impacted by Abortion

I know that the true intentions of someone's heart and words can be lost in the "online world." When you can't see the love and grace in their eyes and can't hear the tone of their voice, it can be easy to misinterpret what they mean. 

Because there are a lot of people in "internet land" that don't know me "in real life," and we can't sit across from each other in a coffee shop, sharing our hearts and stories, I want to clear a few things up. 

I would assume that because I am post-abortive myself that people would know I don't hate post-abortive women. How could I? But apparently that is not the case. So just to be clear: I may post on the topic of abortion more often than you would like. I get that it's an awkward, heated, and sometimes painful thing to think on and discuss. 

But you see, I can't stay silent about it because I've seen the truth of how it devastates people's lives. I hate abortion. I hate Planned Parenthood and what they do. But I *DO NOT* hate women/post-abortive women (I am one, remember). I *DO NOT* hate the people performing abortions and those who work in Planned Parenthood facilities across the country. Don't believe everything you hear about the "extremists" who only want to bomb abortion clinics and kill the ones performing abortions. That is not true Christianity. I hate abortion, but I love everyone touched by abortion. And because I love them, I want them to know the truth about abortion. 

For the ones who have already had abortions, or those who are involved with it, know it isn't too late for you. And if anyone makes you feel like it is, know they don't represent the Jesus of the Bible. He came to rescue sinners and to bring freedom, redemption, and restoration. I get how you're feeling because I too have been made to feel that somehow my sins are too big to be within the bounds of God's mercy and grace, as if abortion is in a class of sin all its own. And I get that it's painful to see the undercover videos being released recently on Planned Parenthood. I can hardly bear it that I gave PP $350 to end my own child's life. Sometimes we have to face what we've done and realize there's grace even in that. 

For anything I've ever said/written/posted that has made you feel judge or condemned, even though unintentionally, I'm sorry. Being pro-life means being pro-EVERY-life: for the babies, the moms, the dads, the doctors, the nurses, etc. I am not primarily *against* abortion, but rather I'm *for* life, freedom, victory, joy, hope, redemption, and grace. 

I cannot remain silent... For the many women I've come in contact with over the last few years who were betrayed by the lie of "choice," the women who have sent countless messages and emails back and forth with me, sharing the grief that only mothers who've regretfully chosen abortion have experienced, the women who remember my child on that dreadful day, February 6th, and who I remember their child with them. For Lily and Luke, who cannot speak for themselves, but I have the honor of speaking for them. And for the other little ones in the womb, the ones without a voice, but with a beating heart, proof of life. 

If abortion has touched your life personally, I am here for you if you need a listening ear and someone to pray with you. Some resources I recommend: 

-Project Rachel 
-Silent No More Awareness
-The Life Ballet

If you'd like to share any other resources for post-abortive mothers to let them know they are not alone, please feel free to post in the comments.

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Just Remember

I read the book "Tilly" (a beautiful story about a mother who regrets having an abortion and dreams of Heaven where she meets her daughter and finds healing in the love and forgiveness of both Jesus and her daughter) this afternoon in the warm sunshine and watched the movie a couple days ago, something I've decided I'd like to do each year around this time, in remembrance of Luke Shiloh.

I have been feeling so down this past week, wondering about all that might have been had I chosen a different path. Then, Saturday night, I attended a special church service in Raleigh where the pastor was specifically addressing the sanctity of unborn human life, but at the same time sharing about the mercy of Jesus for those who have been involved in abortion. It was encouraging to see a pastor speaking out boldly about such a tough topic.

I kept thinking how strange it was that this service was held on the exact date that I had an abortion 6 years ago. And I never could have imagined then how I'd be sitting in a service on the same date, that many years later, full of regret and painful memories, but also full of hope. I am so comforted in knowing God was not surprised by my choices and had a plan and purpose in it all. And my child's life still matters and is still making an impact on this world.

So as this weekend comes to a close, as do the memories of that weekend 6 years ago, I feel fresh peace that passes all understanding and the gentle assurance that one day, I will know Luke in a way I never will on Earth and there will be no more sorrow. For now, I will speak his name and share his legacy and rejoice over redemption made possible through Christ's shed blood. I deeply desire to share with others the transforming love and mercy that Christ has shown me. But I do so hope that by sharing my story, others won't have to know this lifelong regret. I fully believe Luke loves me and knows I love him.

On the last page of "Tilly" there are words written that bring my eyes to tears and cause my heart to nod along in understanding, "And she would weep quietly, with this and with every new April, for all the children who had no names and no parents, who still lived though never born. Most of all, she would weep for the little daughter she never knew, and give whispered words to what she had always known: "Tilly, I love you." But now her heart was at peace, and that peace was hers to keep. She only wanted to remember. Just remember."

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Luke's 5th Heaven Day

As soon as my eyes opened this morning, I remembered how five years ago on this day, I awakened with a heavy heart and tear-filled eyes. My unborn baby would be alive within me for just a few more hours. Five years seems like so much time.

I drove to Planned Parenthood that cold Friday February morning. It seems odd now that it's called Planned Parenthood, like I could somehow change the fact that I was already mothering a babe in my womb. The nausea I was feeling day and night was a constant reminder of this. I had never planned for this. I had never wanted a baby before marriage. I never thought I'd have to deal with such a thing. Nobody facing this situation ever thinks it could happen to them...

Two of us entered that clinic - my nineteen-year-old, selfish, sinful, broken self and my six-week-old unborn child. Only one of us was able to voice what we wanted. Only one of us would make it out of the whole ordeal alive.

At around four that afternoon, the pill that would cut off all life supply to my thriving baby was placed in my hand. Hannah Rose, run! Don't do it! I wish I could talk myself out of taking that pill. The Planned Parenthood employees stood there coolly, watching me put the tiny pill on my tongue and the cool water to my lips. I swallowed. There was no going back. This little pill called mifepristone would block the hormone progesterone, which is needed to maintain pregnancy. 

Once I took the first pill, I was required to take the next set between 24-72 hours later. I was told one last time what to expect and they said if I had any serious side-effects, I was to go to the emergency room. I was instructed to come back on February 17th, to make sure the pregnancy was "thoroughly terminated." If there were complications, I'd have to have a surgical abortion to complete the "termination". They sent me on my way. I left that afternoon in tears. Tears describe this entire chapter of my life. No words were spoken. What was there to say?

February 6th is a day of remembrance... remembering and acknowledging Luke's brief, but beautiful life. The fact that he truly did exist and was the first child of my womb. It's a day of remembering what this day held in 2009 so that I never lose the urgency in sharing the truth of how horribly ugly abortion really is. On this day of remembrance, I will light a candle for my sweet child whom I'll never get to know on Earth. I will talk about him and I will love and miss him. I will share his story so that other men and women won't have to know this lifelong pain and so that other babies might have LIFE.

Read my entire post-abortion pro-life testimony HERE.

First child of my womb,

Quietly you grew, hidden from all eyes.

Why didn't I choose LIFE?

Why did I believe the lies?

Flesh of my flesh,

My baby, forever you'll be.

I'm sorry I chose the wrong way.

I'm sorry I didn't SEE.

Your life was not wasted.

Valued and precious you are.

God is speaking mightily through you.

From my thoughts, you will never be far.

From darkness to light,

You will always be a part of the story.

Our Father in Heaven promises

To work all this together for His glory.

Your name means "light" and "peace,"

My precious little one.

That's what He's brought in all of this.

In Christ, the victory is won!

I promise to be your voice

Until my days on earth are through.

I will never be silent

Until the time that I meet you.

In that moment, 

I will gaze upon your face.

I will hold you, kiss you, know you,

In awe of His great mercy and amazing grace.

Even then I know,

Your legacy will still live.

For He breathes beauty into this story,

And purpose He will continue to give.

I love you my little Lukey.

Thank you for changing me.

Until we meet, my darling,

A forever part of me you'll be.

With all my might, I'll fight in your honor,
Until the battle for LIFE is won.
In my eyes and heart,
You will always be my son.

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A Simple, Messy Note

My good friend Brittany is truly a kindred heart - she volunteers at her local pregnancy resource center, writes a blog about post-abortion healing, and locally speaks, sharing her pro-life story. 

Brittany sent me this photo. It is the note I left on the wall at the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, Tennessee when I went on Mother's Day 2011. NMU is such a beautiful, sacred place. I have a name plate and brick waiting to be placed for Lily and Luke and plan on going again as soon as possible (hopefully next spring). I had nothing to leave on this memorial wall where people leave things for their babies who were aborted. I randomly found an envelope and scribbled this little note on it, just to have something there until I can get something together to take next time. 

Brittany lives in the Chattanooga area and came across this note one day. She visited my blog and wrote me an email last November. We have written many, many emails since then and the Lord has used her as an instrument in my healing. We haven't met in person yet, but plan to next year when I go back to NMU (and hopefully at the March for LIFE in D.C. in January as well!) Anyways, I am just amazed at how God brought us together in friendship through this random little note. Brittany took a picture of it because I honestly couldn't even remember what I had written on it. 

A gal I went to high-school with in Virginia (I now live in North Carolina) is in grad school in Boulder, Colorado. She wrote to tell me about a fellow student who is doing her dissertation on rhetoric surrounding unborn babies... this classmate of hers went to the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, Tennessee and mentioned my story today in a presentation! She saw this piece of paper there. Now, my old classmate is going to connect us! What a small world, huh? 

Also, a gal who was in my sister's semester at Ellerslie in Colorado from spring 2012 wrote to tell me that her family received a focus on the family newsletter in their church in Canada and she was reading it and it sounded familiar so she turned it over and saw it was written by me! She had heard me share my story at Ellerslie. I'm guessing something I wrote for one of the pro-life websites gave permission for somebody to reprint something I wrote. 

It is just really neat to see how God is using my testimony and my Lily and Luke in ways I never could have imagined... and how He connects hearts and lives in all different states and countries and in all sorts of ways. I had no idea He'd use this messy note to connect me with people!

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