Life for Lily Day!

August 15th was Life for Lily Day (I also call it my Spiritual Birthday)! 💕🌷

This year to mark the day, a couple people close to me went with me to the cemetery where we enjoyed a red-velvet treat and watched the sunset on a beautiful summer evening. I shared a bit about the significance of the day and thought about all my girl means to me and how peaceful the day feels.

On this day in 2015, family and friends gathered with me for a butterfly release at her special spot.

Here is part of what I shared about what Life for Lily Day is/means to me:

It was on this date in 2009 that I had an abortion appointment scheduled at Planned Parenthood. Blinded by my fear and shame, I thought I needed to "take care" of the "problem" of an unplanned pregnancy. After all, I had just turned only 20-years-old, was not married, and not in a place in my life where I thought I was ready to welcome a child into this world. 

It is only because of God's grace that August 15th does not hold painful memories of walking through those abortion clinic doors with my child safely nestled in my womb and walking out with her body having been violently ripped from mine. It is only because of His loving-kindness and intervention in my life that we are all standing here together, in this moment, at the beautiful memorial stone for a little girl named Lily Katherine. On the day that the enemy of our souls intended to be death for Lily day, we can rejoice that because of God's mercy that instead we celebrate Life for Lily Day! It is only because of His victory over darkness that when the clock struck midnight on August 16th in 2009 that my child's heart was still beating strongly within me. 

God whispered to my heart in August 2009 that I had come to a fork in the road in my life and had a very big decision to make. He showed me that if I chose to have an abortion, I couldn't imagine the pain and darkness that would follow, but if I chose life, I couldn't imagine the beauty that He would bring. On an August evening around dusk, I was watching the pink clouds dance across the sky, when suddenly the decision became clear to me: I had to obey Him and choose life. Suddenly all my fears melted away when the light of truth shined on my heart. I knew my God would be with me and would give me everything I needed to face the journey ahead.

I don't even want to imagine what my life would be like right now and all we would have missed had August 15th gone the way I had planned. Every year, I would have tearfully remembered that just three days after my own birthday, I denied my child the gift of having her own birthday. Because of the one who loves us more than life and had a plan beyond what I could see or comprehend, she does have a birthday - it's March 16th, 2010, a date that would have held no significance to me had the date of August 15th turned into one of anguish rather than rejoicing. Instead of ending her life, my Father in Heaven gave me the courage to embrace her life, and then put His love for her within me, even when I was selfish and broken and had none of my own to give.

You might think to yourself that Lily died anyways before birth, so what's the big deal, why shouldn't I have gone through with the abortion and saved myself the heartache of her untimely death? You see, she may have died, but she LIVED first. And she did not die before the purposes for her life were put into motion by the one who crafted her life and legacy before the foundation of the world. She didn't die before she changed my entire life, future, and calling. My child died with dignity, rather than at the hands of an abortionist, paid for by her mother. God had His will for her life and in my life, rather than me having my will and playing god in taking her life myself. It is the Lord who gives and takes away. May His Name be praised!

Butterflies symbolize new life and that is what Lily brought me. Her new life in the womb was a reflection of and the instrument used by God to bring me to life in Him. Her name means "purity and innocence," as a symbol of my redemption in Christ. Because of His shed blood, I am washed whiter than snow. He has cleared the blemishes of my past and makes them as if they never were. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new!"

As my friend Anna wrote, "little Lily was a miracle, and even her name was a testimony to your growing in His light like a flower blooming in her season." Summer is the perfect time of year to release butterflies for the baby girl who brought me new life, as it was the time of year her life began. Obviously butterflies are significant enough to me to include one on the back of Lily's stone. Her life brought transformation.

Lily now has eternal life with Jesus. God spoke His promise of eternal life, redemption, and the love and mercy of Christ through Lily's birthday: March 16. 3:16, like John 3:16: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." Her life is a picture of this.

Not only are butterflies significant to me because they remind me of Lily's new life, the new life she brought me, and my new life in Christ, but they are also beautiful creatures with short life spans. Maybe God wanted to speak through how He designed butterflies to be so lovely, knowing they would live a brief time, that it is not length that brings beauty and significance. I believe the butterfly is a reflection of the beauty, depth, and intricacy of Lily's life and legacy. Although the length of her life was short, the depth of it is immeasurable in how it's changed the breadth of the rest of my life.

There is a part in Lily's song that perfectly captures what August 15th means to me - "How close I had come to that fatal mistake, but I knew that your life was not mine to take. Through the turmoil and questions broke God's gentle voice: "will you entrust Me with this child, with this choice?"

A Song for "Sweet Lily"

The song "Alive Again" by Matt Maher beautifully articulates the season in my life when the Lord broke through my darkness. The chorus of the song says, "You called and You shouted, broke through my deafness, now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again. You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness, Now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again."

Alive Again - Matt Maher

The song "You Are On Our Side," by Bethany Dillon is another special one for me. On August 6th, 2009, I wrote in my journal about how desperate I was for Jesus and how deeply I regretted choices I had made. I asked Him to fulfill His purposes in my life and to take away anything keeping me from Him. In that journal entry, I wrote the lyrics to this song. The chorus says, "You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor, You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. When You could just be silent and leave us here to die, still You sent Your Son for us, You are on our side."

Bethany Dillon - You Are On Our Side

He showed me He is on my side.... in how He whispered hope and life to me, in how He brought the victory, in leading me to ask Him in my journal to rescue me from myself so He could prove Himself ever-faithful and present, in how He led me to the "Lifehouse Everything" skit online, in how He led my Aunt Sarah to lend me her David Teems CD so Scripture could be read over me during those nights where a battle was literally raging in the spiritual world and His power was released through His Word, in how He led me to reach out to a young woman named Bex who had courageously chosen life and adoption for her little boy and was able to be just the support and encouragement I needed in my own unplanned pregnancy, in how He led me to the pregnancy center, the "place of hope and light" as I call it, where I was able to cry and talk it out with my now good friend, Anna, in how He led me to listen to many different songs during that time that ministered to my heart, in how He put His love for Lily within me and the desire to protect her from harm, in how I found a Precious Feet pin of a 10-week unborn baby's feet when I was also 10-weeks pregnant and my heart was able to grasp that I had a precious life within me, in how I was initially researching abortion methods because I was planning on having one, when God turned my world upside down and showed me the truth about abortion and first birthed within me the desire to be a voice for the voiceless, in how He whispered to my heart that I was carrying a little girl named Lily while I was still in my first trimester. He showed me He was on my side through all these things and more. Through all these years, He has continued to show me He is on my side.

My spiritual birthday, or Life for Lily Day, is a "stone of remembrance." We praise the Lord for what He's done and we thank Him for sending Lily to Earth. As the decades pass, and my hair turns gray, and aging-wrinkles form on my face, I will remember. My love will only increase with time. While I remain on Earth, I will do all I can to share her story with others and bring glory to the Lord as she have done. Because I know the time is coming when we will be together forever and this life will have been but a breath in light of eternity. All the tears will dry up and the sorrow will fade away, on that day when Jesus greets me at the gates of Heaven, where I know she will be waiting with Him, to welcome me Home. As John Piper wrote in a letter to a mother whose son was stillborn, "she simply skipped Earth. For now. But in the new heavens and the new earth, she will know the best of earth and all the joys earth can give without any of its sorrows." When we first lock eyes, dear Lily, all the years of missing you will be no more and I will hold you and never let go. I will thank you for bringing me new life...

Life for Lily Day Butterfly Release

For more pictures and more on the butterfly release, you can read my blog post from last year by clicking here.

Tweet

Life for Lily Day!

August 15th was Life for Lily Day (I also call it my Spiritual Birthday)! 💕🌷

Two years ago, family and friends gathered with me for a butterfly release at her special spot.

Here is part of what I shared about what Life for Lily Day is/means to me:

It was on this date in 2009 that I had an abortion appointment scheduled at Planned Parenthood. Blinded by my fear and shame, I thought I needed to "take care" of the "problem" of an unplanned pregnancy. After all, I had just turned only 20-years-old, was not married, and not in a place in my life where I thought I was ready to welcome a child into this world. 

It is only because of God's grace that August 15th does not hold painful memories of walking through those abortion clinic doors with my child safely nestled in my womb and walking out with her body having been violently ripped from mine. It is only because of His loving-kindness and intervention in my life that we are all standing here together, in this moment, at the beautiful memorial stone for a little girl named Lily Katherine. On the day that the enemy of our souls intended to be death for Lily day, we can rejoice that because of God's mercy that instead we celebrate Life for Lily Day! It is only because of His victory over darkness that when the clock struck midnight on August 16th in 2009 that my child's heart was still beating strongly within me. 

God whispered to my heart in August 2009 that I had come to a fork in the road in my life and had a very big decision to make. He showed me that if I chose to have an abortion, I couldn't imagine the pain and darkness that would follow, but if I chose life, I couldn't imagine the beauty that He would bring. On an August evening around dusk, I was watching the pink clouds dance across the sky, when suddenly the decision became clear to me: I had to obey Him and choose life. Suddenly all my fears melted away when the light of truth shined on my heart. I knew my God would be with me and would give me everything I needed to face the journey ahead.

I don't even want to imagine what my life would be like right now and all we would have missed had August 15th gone the way I had planned. Every year, I would have tearfully remembered that just three days after my own birthday, I denied my child the gift of having her own birthday. Because of the one who loves us more than life and had a plan beyond what I could see or comprehend, she does have a birthday - it's March 16th, 2010, a date that would have held no significance to me had the date of August 15th turned into one of anguish rather than rejoicing. Instead of ending her life, my Father in Heaven gave me the courage to embrace her life, and then put His love for her within me, even when I was selfish and broken and had none of my own to give.

You might think to yourself that Lily died anyways before birth, so what's the big deal, why shouldn't I have gone through with the abortion and saved myself the heartache of her untimely death? You see, she may have died, but she LIVED first. And she did not die before the purposes for her life were put into motion by the one who crafted her life and legacy before the foundation of the world. She didn't die before she changed my entire life, future, and calling. My child died with dignity, rather than at the hands of an abortionist, paid for by her mother. God had His will for her life and in my life, rather than me having my will and playing god in taking her life myself. It is the Lord who gives and takes away. May His Name be praised!

Butterflies symbolize new life and that is what Lily brought me. Her new life in the womb was a reflection of and the instrument used by God to bring me to life in Him. Her name means "purity and innocence," as a symbol of my redemption in Christ. Because of His shed blood, I am washed whiter than snow. He has cleared the blemishes of my past and makes them as if they never were. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new!"

As my friend Anna wrote, "little Lily was a miracle, and even her name was a testimony to your growing in His light like a flower blooming in her season." Summer is the perfect time of year to release butterflies for the baby girl who brought me new life, as it was the time of year her life began. Obviously butterflies are significant enough to me to include one on the back of Lily's stone. Her life brought transformation.

Lily now has eternal life with Jesus. God spoke His promise of eternal life, redemption, and the love and mercy of Christ through Lily's birthday: March 16. 3:16, like John 3:16: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." Her life is a picture of this.

Not only are butterflies significant to me because they remind me of Lily's new life, the new life she brought me, and my new life in Christ, but they are also beautiful creatures with short life spans. Maybe God wanted to speak through how He designed butterflies to be so lovely, knowing they would live a brief time, that it is not length that brings beauty and significance. I believe the butterfly is a reflection of the beauty, depth, and intricacy of Lily's life and legacy. Although the length of her life was short, the depth of it is immeasurable in how it's changed the breadth of the rest of my life.

There is a part in Lily's song that perfectly captures what August 15th means to me - "How close I had come to that fatal mistake, but I knew that your life was not mine to take. Through the turmoil and questions broke God's gentle voice: "will you entrust Me with this child, with this choice?"

A Song for "Sweet Lily"

The song "Alive Again" by Matt Maher beautifully articulates the season in my life when the Lord broke through my darkness. The chorus of the song says, "You called and You shouted, broke through my deafness, now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again. You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness, Now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again."

Alive Again - Matt Maher

The song "You Are On Our Side," by Bethany Dillon is another special one for me. On August 6th, 2009, I wrote in my journal about how desperate I was for Jesus and how deeply I regretted choices I had made. I asked Him to fulfill His purposes in my life and to take away anything keeping me from Him. In that journal entry, I wrote the lyrics to this song. The chorus says, "You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor, You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. When You could just be silent and leave us here to die, still You sent Your Son for us, You are on our side."

Bethany Dillon - You Are On Our Side

He showed me He is on my side.... in how He whispered hope and life to me, in how He brought the victory, in leading me to ask Him in my journal to rescue me from myself so He could prove Himself ever-faithful and present, in how He led me to the "Lifehouse Everything" skit online, in how He led my Aunt Sarah to lend me her David Teems CD so Scripture could be read over me during those nights where a battle was literally raging in the spiritual world and His power was released through His Word, in how He led me to reach out to a young woman named Bex who had courageously chosen life and adoption for her little boy and was able to be just the support and encouragement I needed in my own unplanned pregnancy, in how He led me to the pregnancy center, the "place of hope and light" as I call it, where I was able to cry and talk it out with my now good friend, Anna, in how He led me to listen to many different songs during that time that ministered to my heart, in how He put His love for Lily within me and the desire to protect her from harm, in how I found a Precious Feet pin of a 10-week unborn baby's feet when I was also 10-weeks pregnant and my heart was able to grasp that I had a precious life within me, in how I was initially researching abortion methods because I was planning on having one, when God turned my world upside down and showed me the truth about abortion and first birthed within me the desire to be a voice for the voiceless, in how He whispered to my heart that I was carrying a little girl named Lily while I was still in my first trimester. He showed me He was on my side through all these things and more. Through all these years, He has continued to show me He is on my side.

My spiritual birthday, or Life for Lily Day, is a "stone of remembrance." We praise the Lord for what He's done and we thank Him for sending Lily to Earth. As the decades pass, and my hair turns gray, and aging-wrinkles form on my face, I will remember. My love will only increase with time. While I remain on Earth, I will do all I can to share her story with others and bring glory to the Lord as she have done. Because I know the time is coming when we will be together forever and this life will have been but a breath in light of eternity. All the tears will dry up and the sorrow will fade away, on that day when Jesus greets me at the gates of Heaven, where I know she will be waiting with Him, to welcome me Home. As John Piper wrote in a letter to a mother whose son was stillborn, "she simply skipped Earth. For now. But in the new heavens and the new earth, she will know the best of earth and all the joys earth can give without any of its sorrows." When we first lock eyes, dear Lily, all the years of missing you will be no more and I will hold you and never let go. I will thank you for bringing me new life...

Life for Lily Day Butterfly Release

For more pictures and more on the butterfly release, you can read my blog post from last year by clicking here.

Tweet

He Orchestrates the Details and Weaves Stories Together

When I was in Virginia a couple weeks ago, I got a message from the mother of a close friend of mine from high-school.

Kristen had her healthy first child on March 16, 2010 - Lily's exact birthday! I've blogged about it before. Sadly, not only do we have that date in common now...

As I said, her mom wrote me on Tuesday, the 16th of August, letting me know that Kristen had lost her baby... Ryleigh Grace was unexpectedly stillborn the day before, on August 15th... Life for Lily Day. Yet another significant date we have in common. And baby girls who now live with Jesus.

Ryleigh was born just shy of 38 weeks gestation, a beautiful little girl with her cord tied tightly around her neck.

Both Kristen and her mom thought of me and hoped I could talk on the phone, knowing I understand what they're going through. I told her I was deeply sorry for their loss and not only could I talk on the phone, but I also "happened" to be in town (remember, I live in NC now, away from my hometown and where Lily is layed to rest).

I see how the Lord orchestrated my being there at that time, to put together a comfort box for Kristen and to attend Ryleigh's service with my grandmother, who also lost a baby.

I wasn't able to put together the exact type of box I usually do (because some of the things have to be ordered online), but it ended up being quite special, I think. We had a day to prepare the box, so Bumma and I went around Charlottesville to different shops, collecting items. I was thankful Bumma was willing and eager to be a part of this. I'll explain more about what we included in the box below.

The service was beautiful and it was an honor to be there. Ryleigh was layed to rest in the same cemetery as my grandparents (dad's parents). There are rolling hills and breathtaking Blue Ridge Mountain views from this cemetery. Ryleigh's mommy wrote a moving poem that was read aloud at the service. It was the first service for a baby that I've been to since Lily's (that I can recall). It was definitely emotional for me. Of course it is heartbreaking when anyone loses their baby, but when it is someone I know, it hurts more.

I know that because of my own loss of Lily, I understand in a deeper and fuller way the heartbreak that infant loss entails, and therefore can pray and intercede for this family in a unique way. I keep bringing this family to the Lord, remembering the rawness and shock of those first days and weeks after Lily died. I pray that I am able to bear a little bit of their burden.

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." -Galatians 6:2

After the service, there was a meal at a church in the area. I was glad Bumma and I could talk some with them, both at the graveside service and at the church afterwards, in a way that only those who've lost a baby can converse. We were all discussing how crazy it is all the similarities between our stories... The Lord certainly orchestrates the details and weaves stories together in a way only He can. I will continue to keep in contact with them in the months ahead, especially when a lot of the initial support wears off, yet the pain of the loss remains.

Here is the box...

I knew right when I thought about putting together a box that I wanted to include something with Ryleigh's name and birthdate on it. When you lose a baby, those are some of the only things connected to them. Their names are sacred and unspeakably precious. They are a reminder that they are real and they were here. They will always be our children, who we will love and call by name.

As soon as I thought of getting something with her name, I believe the Lord placed my friend Cambry's name in my heart. She is my friend I shared about recently in my Life for Lily Day post. We met at Ellerslie in Colorado last year and discovered she lives near my hometown in Virginia. She had just come to the Life for Lily Day celebration the day before, and we had gotten together to frolic about in downtown Staunton that day. Cambry is a talented artist and sells some of her work at times. I asked if she'd be willing to paint a custom piece for my friend for the box and immediately, she graciously and willingly said yes. I love her generous heart. She had one day to paint this and then met with me the morning of the service to give it to me. I could tell Kristen loved the painting and so did everyone she showed it to. I like this picture Cambry took in her own personal outdoor art studio. ;)

Most of the items for the box were from Ten Thousand Villages or T.J. Maxx (a couple of my favorite stores). I stuck to a butterfly theme, as usual. :) The box was colorful with butterflies and flowers, perfect to store keepsakes in.

a butterfly card with a handwritten and signed note from my grandmother and I... with my blog card inside and an explanation of all the items in the box

a lamb (for innocence and purity) to hold in their empty arms

and a teddy bear for big brother

Forget-Me-Not flower seeds to plant in memory of the baby they'll never forget

a butterfly bracelet to wear in remembrance of Ryleigh

a "hope" stone, as a tangible reminder to hold onto hope

lavender and chamomile (both known to be calming and soothing) 

soap and bubble bath to pamper mom and help her heal

chamomile lavender tea to also pamper mom

a journal to write pregnancy memories, the birth story, letters or poems, feelings, etc. 

(writing means so much to me and has been a huge part of my healing and Kristen likes to write too - remember a poem she wrote was read aloud at the service).. I was glad I found the journal with Scripture on each page and butterflies on the cover that I used in the comfort boxes 

given to the hospital for Lily's birthday this year.

a candle to light in remembrance of Ryleigh

a packet of tissues for their tears

a butterfly wind-chime (made in Indonesia - Lily has the same one at her spot) 

for their home or Ryleigh's spot... Kristen was saying how at the service, she was

already thinking of wanting to decorate her spot. I thought the wind-chime would be

perfect... also, it is touching that a mother's instinct to do something for her child, even

if it's decorating their gravesite, kicks in fast

Please pray that Jesus will comfort this grieving family and hold their broken hearts.

I won't forget you, Ryleigh... I will hold onto your obituary, the bulletin from your service, the memory of your beautiful face, and the knowledge of the forever love your family will have for you.

Tweet

Life for Lily Day 2016

Last year on Life for Lily Day (August 15th), we had a beautiful butterfly release at Lily's special spot. This year, I had planned on doing a couple things around Raleigh with family and friends, but ended up being in Virginia.

I didn't have anything "big" planned, but was just thankful to be there at her spot. Sometimes simple is perfectly sweet. A few family members and a couple friends gathered in the evening at Lily's spot. I was a bit nervous about the weather forecast, as it was showing possible thunderstorms. The minute we pulled into the cemetery, it started raining. Right in front of us, painted across the sky, was a gorgeous rainbow! The Lord sent it for us! :)

Thankfully, it soon stopped raining and we were able to gather around Lily's spot. I shared about her stone, the decorations, and something I wrote and read aloud last year about the significance of the day.

I decorated Lily's spot in all-things-butterfly... a balloon, wind-chime, flag, her name in the sand photo in a butterfly frame, a pinwheel, and flowers. I wanted her spot looking its best. :) Butterflies for Lily's life and the new life she brought me.

I was thankful the Lord held off the rain/storm long enough for us to visit for a bit and for me to share. We then had red-velvet cake ice-cream! The storm was coming in quickly by this point, the thunder was booming, and the sky was a dark gray color, so we packed things up, I divvied up the ice-cream in the bowls, and we ate in our cars as the rain fell. We all agree that the ice-cream was delicious! It was a perfect summer treat. 🍦 I had googled to see if red-velvet ice-cream was even a thing. It said online that it was in one of the bigger stores in the area, but on that day, I couldn't find it there. I had mentioned that I was going to get the ice-cream in front of my uncle and he "happened" to see it on sale at the small local grocery store in town. I went there and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked about it and they said they remembered seeing it, but didn't know if they had any left because it was a seasonal flavor... well, what do ya know, there was one left in the back, just waiting for me! I definitely want to have it again. Of course, those who have been following my blog for a while know that red-velvet is a "Lily thing." We had red-velvet cake at my Valentine's baby shower for Lily, so now it's tradition to have something red-velvet each year on her birthday and other special occasions. I love that it makes others think of her too. :)

After we enjoyed our ice-cream in our cars, we went over to Mint Springs (one of my favorite places) and enjoyed the breezes, mountain views, and pleasant conversation. The rain let up by that point too. I was glad I could share Lily's stone for the first time and Mint Springs with my friend Cambry who I met in Colorado at Ellerslie last Fall. When we met, we were excited to discover she lives near my hometown across the country! When I make it up to Virginia, we enjoy our visits. While in Colorado, I called her "my Virginia friend." :)

 Oh, and I wore my butterfly shirt. :)

Here are a couple group photos we were able to get before the storm

(those who came were: my Aunt Sarah, brother Adam, friends 

Cambry and Elise, Uncle Steve, and grandmother "Bumma")

The evening didn't turn out quite like expected, but it was certainly an adventure to remember! I am learning through many circumstances (big and small) lately to be more flexible and to trust the Lord in all things. It's not the end of the world if things don't go as *I* plan.

Tweet

Life for Lily Day

Monday (August 15th) was Life for Lily Day (I also call it my Spiritual Birthday)! A year ago on that date, family and friends gathered with me for a butterfly release at her special spot.

Here is part of what I shared about what Life for Lily Day is/means to me:

It was on this date in 2009 that I had an abortion appointment scheduled at Planned Parenthood. Blinded by my fear and shame, I thought I needed to "take care" of the "problem" of an unplanned pregnancy. After all, I had just turned only 20-years-old, was not married, and not in a place in my life where I thought I was ready to welcome a child into this world. 

It is only because of God's grace that August 15th does not hold painful memories of walking through those abortion clinic doors with my child safely nestled in my womb and walking out with her body having been violently ripped from mine. It is only because of His loving-kindness and intervention in my life that we are all standing here together, in this moment, at the beautiful memorial stone for a little girl named Lily Katherine. On the day that the enemy of our souls intended to be death for Lily day, we can rejoice that because of God's mercy that instead we celebrate Life for Lily Day! It is only because of His victory over darkness that when the clock struck midnight on August 16th in 2009 that my child's heart was still beating strongly within me. 

God whispered to my heart in August 2009 that I had come to a fork in the road in my life and had a very big decision to make. He showed me that if I chose to have an abortion, I couldn't imagine the pain and darkness that would follow, but if I chose life, I couldn't imagine the beauty that He would bring. On an August evening around dusk, I was watching the pink clouds dance across the sky, when suddenly the decision became clear to me: I had to obey Him and choose life. Suddenly all my fears melted away when the light of truth shined on my heart. I knew my God would be with me and would give me everything I needed to face the journey ahead.

I don't even want to imagine what my life would be like right now and all we would have missed had August 15th gone the way I had planned. Every year, I would have tearfully remembered that just three days after my own birthday, I denied my child the gift of having her own birthday. Because of the one who loves us more than life and had a plan beyond what I could see or comprehend, she does have a birthday - it's March 16th, 2010, a date that would have held no significance to me had the date of August 15th turned into one of anguish rather than rejoicing. Instead of ending her life, my Father in Heaven gave me the courage to embrace her life, and then put His love for her within me, even when I was selfish and broken and had none of my own to give.

You might think to yourself that Lily died anyways before birth, so what's the big deal, why shouldn't I have gone through with the abortion and saved myself the heartache of her untimely death? You see, she may have died, but she LIVED first. And she did not die before the purposes for her life were put into motion by the one who crafted her life and legacy before the foundation of the world. She didn't die before she changed my entire life, future, and calling. My child died with dignity, rather than at the hands of an abortionist, paid for by her mother. God had His will for her life and in my life, rather than me having my will and playing god in taking her life myself. It is the Lord who gives and takes away. May His Name be praised!

Butterflies symbolize new life and that is what Lily brought me. Her new life in the womb was a reflection of and the instrument used by God to bring me to life in Him. Her name means "purity and innocence," as a symbol of my redemption in Christ. Because of His shed blood, I am washed whiter than snow. He has cleared the blemishes of my past and makes them as if they never were.... like an unborn babe.... like Lily. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new!"

As my friend Anna wrote, "little Lily was a miracle, and even her name was a testimony to your growing in His light like a flower blooming in her season." Summer is the perfect time of year to release butterflies for the baby girl who brought me new life, as it was the time of year her life began. Obviously butterflies are significant enough to me to include one on the back of Lily's stone. Her life brought transformation.

Lily now has eternal life with Jesus. God spoke His promise of eternal life, redemption, and the love and mercy of Christ through Lily's birthday: March 16. 3:16, like John 3:16: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." Her life is a picture of this.

Not only are butterflies significant to me because they remind me of Lily's new life, the new life she brought me, and my new life in Christ, but they are also beautiful creatures with short life spans. Maybe God wanted to speak through how He designed butterflies to be so lovely, knowing they would live a brief time, that it is not length that brings beauty and significance. I believe the butterfly is a reflection of the beauty, depth, and intricacy of Lily's life and legacy. Although the length of her life was short, the depth of it is immeasurable in how it's changed the breadth of the rest of my life.

There is a part in Lily's song that perfectly captures what August 15th means to me - "How close I had come to that fatal mistake, but I knew that your life was not mine to take. Through the turmoil and questions broke God's gentle voice: "will you entrust Me with this child, with this choice?"

A Song for "Sweet Lily"

The song "Alive Again" by Matt Maher beautifully articulates the season in my life when the Lord broke through my darkness. The chorus of the song says, "You called and You shouted, broke through my deafness, now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again. You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness, Now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again."

Alive Again - Matt Maher

The song "You Are On Our Side," by Bethany Dillon is another special one for me. On August 6th, 2009, I wrote in my journal about how desperate I was for Jesus and how deeply I regretted choices I had made. I asked Him to fulfill His purposes in my life and to take away anything keeping me from Him. In that journal entry, I wrote the lyrics to this song. The chorus says, "You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor, You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. When You could just be silent and leave us here to die, still You sent Your Son for us, You are on our side."

Bethany Dillon - You Are On Our Side

He showed me He is on my side.... in how He whispered hope and life to me, in how He brought the victory, in leading me to ask Him in my journal to rescue me from myself so He could prove Himself ever-faithful and present, in how He led me to the "Lifehouse Everything" skit online, in how He led my Aunt Sarah to lend me her David Teems CD so Scripture could be read over me during those nights where a battle was literally raging in the spiritual world and His power was released through His Word, in how He led me to reach out to a young woman named Bex who had courageously chosen life and adoption for her little boy and was able to be just the support and encouragement I needed in my own unplanned pregnancy, in how He led me to the pregnancy center, the "place of hope and light" as I call it, where I was able to cry and talk it out with my now good friend, Anna, in how He led me to listen to many different songs during that time that ministered to my heart, in how He put His love for Lily within me and the desire to protect her from harm, in how I found a Precious Feet pin of a 10-week unborn baby's feet when I was also 10-weeks pregnant and my heart was able to grasp that I had a precious life within me, in how I was initially researching abortion methods because I was planning on having one, when God turned my world upside down and showed me the truth about abortion and first birthed within me the desire to be a voice for the voiceless, in how He whispered to my heart that I was carrying a little girl named Lily while I was still in my first trimester. He showed me He was on my side through all these things and more. Through all these years, He has continued to show me He is on my side.

My spiritual birthday, or Life for Lily Day, is a "stone of remembrance." We praise the Lord for what He's done and we thank Him for sending Lily to Earth. As the decades pass, and my hair turns gray, and aging-wrinkles form on my face, I will remember. My love will only increase with time. While I remain on Earth, I will do all I can to share her story with others and bring glory to the Lord as she have done. Because I know the time is coming when we will be together forever and this life will have been but a breath in light of eternity. All the tears will dry up and the sorrow will fade away, on that day when Jesus greets me at the gates of Heaven, where I know she will be waiting with Him, to welcome me Home. As John Piper wrote in a letter to a mother whose son was stillborn, "she simply skipped Earth. For now. But in the new heavens and the new earth, she will know the best of earth and all the joys earth can give without any of its sorrows." When we first lock eyes, dear Lily, all the years of missing you will be no more and I will hold you and never let go. I will thank you for bringing me new life...

Life for Lily Day Butterfly Release

For more pictures and more on the butterfly release, you can read my blog post from last year by clicking here.

Tweet

Life for Lily Day Butterfly Release

This past Saturday (August 15th), I got to do something I have wanted to do for a long time! I said I can finally check it off my "bucket list" of things I want to do in Lily's honor. I had a butterfly release at her special spot in Virginia!

This is what I shared at the release, which explains what August 15th means to me and the significance of a butterfly release:

We are gathered here today for a butterfly release ceremony in celebration of Lily Katherine Allen-Ball, a precious, darling little girl, who would be close to 5 1/2 years old today, starting Kindergarten this month, if she were here. Despite all my imaginings of what might have been and who she might have been, her life beyond the womb was never meant to be. If in God's plan, she was able to accomplish the purposes He had for her life from Heaven more fully than if she had grown up on Earth, then who am I to question Him? How many of us can say our entire lives have been to bring glory to God? Lily's life has been all about Jesus, without ever taking a breath or speaking a single word.

I have been wanting to have a butterfly release in honor of Lily for several years. At first, I thought it would be perfect to do it on her birthday on March 16th, or on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15th, but then I learned that butterflies cannot be released between the months of October through March because of the colder temperatures, so obviously both those dates were not a possibility. A few months ago, my mom and I were discussing what significant date we could do a release on and we thought how special it would be to do it on August 15th. I see now that the Lord had it planned out perfectly all along.

It was on this date, six years ago, in 2009, also on a Saturday, that I had an abortion appointment scheduled at Planned Parenthood. Blinded by my fear and shame, I thought I needed to "take care" of the "problem" of an unplanned pregnancy. After all, I had just turned only 20-years-old, was not married, and not in a place in my life where I thought I was ready to welcome a child into this world. 

It is only because of God's grace that August 15th does not hold painful memories of walking through those abortion clinic doors with my child safely nestled in my womb and walking out with her body having been violently ripped from mine. It is only because of His loving-kindness and intervention in my life that we are all standing here together, in this moment, at the beautiful memorial stone for a little girl named Lily Katherine. On the day that the enemy of our souls intended to be death for Lily day, we can rejoice that because of God's mercy that instead we celebrate Life for Lily Day! It is only because of His victory over darkness that when the clock struck midnight on August 16th six years ago that my child's heart was still beating strongly within me. 

God whispered to my heart in August 2009 that I had come to a fork in the road in my life and had a very big decision to make. He showed me that if I chose to have an abortion, I couldn't imagine the pain and darkness that would follow, but if I chose life, I couldn't imagine the beauty that He would bring. On an August evening around dusk, I was watching the pink clouds dance across the sky, when suddenly the decision became clear to me: I had to obey Him and choose life. Suddenly all my fears melted away when the light of truth shined on my heart. I knew my God would be with me and would give me everything I needed to face the journey ahead.

I don't even want to imagine what my life would be like right now and all we would have missed had August 15th gone the way I had planned. Every year, I would have tearfully remembered that just three days after my own birthday, I denied my child the gift of having her own birthday. Because of the one who loves us more than life and had a plan beyond what I could see or comprehend, she does have a birthday - it's March 16th, 2010, a date that would have held no significance to me had the date of August 15th turned into one of anguish rather than rejoicing. Instead of ending her life, my Father in Heaven gave me the courage to embrace her life, and then put His love for her within me, even when I was selfish and broken and had none of my own to give.

You might think to yourself that Lily died anyways before birth, so what's the big deal, why shouldn't I have gone through with the abortion and saved myself the heartache of her untimely death? You see, she may have died, but she LIVED first. And she did not die before the purposes for her life were put into motion by the one who crafted her life and legacy before the foundation of the world. She didn't die before she changed my entire life, future, and calling. My child died with dignity, rather than at the hands of an abortionist, paid for by her mother. God had His will for her life and in my life, rather than me having my will and playing god in taking her life myself. It is the Lord who gives and takes away. May His Name be praised!

Butterflies symbolize new life and that is what Lily brought me. Her new life in the womb was a reflection of and the instrument used by God to bring me to life in Him. Her name means "purity and innocence," as a symbol of my redemption in Christ. Because of His shed blood, I am washed whiter than snow. He has cleared the blemishes of my past and makes them as if they never were.... like an unborn babe.... like Lily. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new!"

As my friend Anna wrote, "little Lily was a miracle, and even her name was a testimony to your growing in His light like a flower blooming in her season." Summer is the perfect time of year to release butterflies for the baby girl who brought me new life, as it was the time of year her life began. Obviously butterflies are significant enough to me to include one on the back of Lily's stone. Her life brought transformation.

Lily now has eternal life with Jesus. God spoke His promise of eternal life, redemption, and the love and mercy of Christ through Lily's birthday: March 16. 3:16, like John 3:16: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." Her life is a picture of this.

Not only are butterflies significant to me because they remind me of Lily's new life, the new life she brought me, and my new life in Christ, but they are also beautiful creatures with short life spans. Maybe God wanted to speak through how He designed butterflies to be so lovely, knowing they would live a brief time, that it is not length that brings beauty and significance. I believe the butterfly is a reflection of the beauty, depth, and intricacy of Lily's life and legacy. Although the length of her life was short, the depth of it is immeasurable in how it's changed the breadth of the rest of my life.

I'm going to be playing three songs in just a moment. The first song was written for me by my dear friend, Heather Cofer. There is a part in the song that perfectly captures what August 15th means to me - "How close I had come to that fatal mistake, but I knew that your life was not mine to take. Through the turmoil and questions broke God's gentle voice: "will you entrust Me with this child, with this choice?"

I am also going to be playing a song called, "Alive Again" by Matt Maher that I feel beautifully articulates the season in my life when the Lord broke through my darkness. The chorus of the song says, "You called and You shouted, broke through my deafness, now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again. You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness, Now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again."

And the other song I am going to share is called "You Are On Our Side," by Bethany Dillon. On August 6th, 2009, I wrote in my journal about how desperate I was for Jesus and how deeply I regretted choices I had made. I asked Him to fulfill His purposes in my life and to take away anything keeping me from Him. In that journal entry, I wrote the lyrics to this song. The chorus says, "You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor, You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. When You could just be silent and leave us here to die, still You sent Your Son for us, You are on our side."

He showed me He is on my side.... in how He whispered hope and life to me, in how He brought the victory, in leading me to ask Him in my journal to rescue me from myself so He could prove Himself ever-faithful and present, in how He led me to the "Lifehouse Everything" skit online, in how He led my Aunt Sarah to lend me her David Teems CD so Scripture could be read over me during those nights where a battle was literally raging in the spiritual world and His power was released through His Word, in how He led me to reach out to a young woman named Bex who had courageously chosen life and adoption for her little boy and was able to be just the support and encouragement I needed in my own unplanned pregnancy, in how He led me to the pregnancy center, the "place of hope and light" as I call it, where I was able to cry and talk it out with my now good friend, Anna, in how He led me to listen to many different songs during that time that ministered to my heart, in how He put His love for Lily within me and the desire to protect her from harm, in how I found a Precious Feet pin of a 10-week unborn baby's feet when I was also 10-weeks pregnant and my heart was able to grasp that I had a precious life within me, in how I was initially researching abortion methods because I was planning on having one, when God turned my world upside down and showed me the truth about abortion and first birthed within me the desire to be a voice for the voiceless, in how He whispered to my heart that I was carrying a little girl named Lily while I was still in my first trimester. He showed me He was on my side through all these things and more. Through all these years, He has continued to show me He is on my side.

Sweet Lily Katherine, we release these Painted Lady butterflies for you, darling girl. This date and this ceremony, on my spiritual birthday or Life for Lily Day, is a "stone of remembrance." We praise the Lord for what He's done and we thank Him for sending you to Earth. As the decades pass, and my hair turns gray, and aging-wrinkles form on my face, I will remember. My love will only increase with time. While I remain on Earth, I will do all I can to share your story with others and bring glory to the Lord as you have done. Because I know the time is coming when we will be together forever and this life will have been but a breath in light of eternity. All the tears will dry up and the sorrow will fade away, on that day when Jesus greets me at the gates of Heaven, where I know you will be waiting with Him, to welcome me Home. As John Piper wrote in a letter to a mother whose son was stillborn, "you simply skipped Earth. For now. But in the new heavens and the new earth, you will know the best of earth and all the joys earth can give without any of its sorrows." When we first lock eyes, dear Lily, all the years of missing you will be no more and I will hold you and never let go. I will thank you for bringing me new life...

Watch the video of me sharing what you just read at the butterfly release below or by clicking HERE. I actually wrote what I was going to share and was almost finished when somehow Blogger completely deleted it the day before the butterfly release! ugh it was so frustrating. But after taking a step back and praying, I was able to remember much of what I first wrote and actually ended up more pleased with it the second time I wrote it.

Watch the butterflies being released in the video below or by clicking HERE.

Get ready for picture overload. ;-)

The butterflies came in a box with a pink lily, butterfly, and pink ribbon on it, as I requested... perfect for Lily.

A candle lit in her honor.

I selected white and pink lilies - for purity and innocence and because she's a sweet girl.

The birthday/Life for Lily Day flowers that Kala got me at the Farmer's Market.

I loved decorating Lily's spot for the evening with all my butterfly items.

Sharing my heart.

Excited because I'm about to open the box.

You can see one flying right above my head.

The butterflies are so beautiful and intricate up close.

It was so sweet how one stayed with me for a bit. Perfect for photos!

A couple group photos. I wanted a small group of close friends and family. It meant a lot to me that my brother and sister-in-law made the trip up just for this! 

Visiting with loved ones after the release and soaking up the evening.

I wore the new butterfly earrings that I got at a store in Raleigh (I was specifically thinking of the butterfly release when I purchased them). When they move, it looks like the butterflies are fluttering! I wanted to wear a butterfly shirt or dress, but unfortunately couldn't find anything that matched my earrings in time. However, I did find a pretty dress at The Green Olive Tree in Crozet! This is the thrift store that my grandmother helped start nearly 40 years ago. I wore my memorial Origami Owl locket, which has a butterfly charm. :-)

I love butterflies so much that I have multiple pairs of butterfly earrings that I've gotten for myself and have been given as gifts. So, I shared a pair with my cousin, Hope, to wear at the release. Hope also wore a pretty pink skirt for Lily.

And I shared a pair with Kala too.

Kala wore her butterfly shirt.

The sunset was gorgeous that evening! It reminded me of the evening in August 2009 when I was watching similar pink clouds dancing across the sky and I knew that I had to choose LIFE for Lily... how perfect to see a sky like this on Life for Lily Day!

Love those Blue Ridge Mountains.

I was going to have the butterfly release in Lily's memorial garden at my home in NC, but because my mom and sister had doctor's appointments, the Lord worked it out for my family to be in VA the week of my birthday and Life for Lily Day. It made it that much more special to have it at her spot, and with my family and friends, especially my grandmother. I was disappointed my dad, sister, Aunt Helen, and a few others I wanted to come couldn't be there. But that's why it's so neat now to have pictures and videos to share, so those who weren't there can still be a part of it. :-)

I highly recommend looking into doing a butterfly release, for those who have lost a baby and are looking for something special to do on their birthday. I was thinking it would be neat to have a butterfly release with my wedding party if I ever get married, as a way to incorporate Lily into the ceremony.

The butterflies themselves, shipping, and the box or cage for the butterflies can all get rather expensive, bur I think it's worth it. I ordered 36 Painted Lady butterflies, and the company said they send around 4 extra because unfortunately sometimes the butterflies don't survive until the time of release. There were a couple butterflies that didn't make it from our release. I am wondering if I can somehow preserve them to keep, as I know many people do that with butterflies. 

The instructions are quite simple: the company shipped the butterflies to me overnight, then as soon as they arrive, you put fresh ice packs in the packaging with them so they remain dormant until the time of release, then about 30 minutes to an hour before the release, you take them out of the "cooler," and allow them time to warm up before the release. They have to be released during daylight hours and in a temperature of at least 65-70 degrees. There are many different butterflies and packages to choose from, as well as choosing whether to release the butterflies individually or all together. I chose the decorator box, with the lily and pink ribbon on it, because I thought it would be more beautiful to release them all at once. I honestly initially wanted Monarch butterflies, rather than the Painted Ladies, because they are bigger. But, they are also more expensive and I wanted as many butterflies as possible. My grandmother made a good point that the Painted Lady butterflies look like mini Monarchs and are appropriate for a baby. :-) 

If you are interested in having a butterfly release, I recommend the company I ordered from called A Butterfly Release Company. They are located in Florida. I had a positive experience with them and after searching online, found they have some of the best prices, though shipping is expensive. I tried to get in touch with a local butterfly farm, but they were booked and were unable to get me butterflies for August 15th, which is why I searched elsewhere.

The evening turned out absolutely perfect. The Lord blessed it in every way. The weather was unusually lovely for summer, the Painted Lady butterflies were breathtaking, the company of family and friends marking the day with me meaningful, and the presence of the Lord was close. After the butterfly release, my generous grandmother treated the group of us to dinner at Crozet Pizza. Then we ended the night with stories and laughter around a bonfire. It was a day of light, joy, and thankfulness... moments that are now treasured memories.

Tweet