Her Half Birthday

Time keeps passing. Steadily. Surely. Six months gone by without her. I move farther and farther away from her with each day and today, that reminder is all too bitter. The six month mark has crept up on me so quickly and it's like a kick in the stomach. The little outfit my cousin got for Lily is hanging on my dresser. It says 6m. I hold it up to me and imagine her body filling it out, resting on my hip. The tears keep coming today. I'm glad I have my infant loss support group tonight. It's hard for me to look at 6 month old babies now and imagine her that size. I try so hard to picture her face and her smile, but I don't know how.


The Jewel-Lullaby album is very special to me. My mom got it for me during my pregnancy and Lily and I listened to it all the time. She would kick so much when I would play it loudly and sing to her. Listening to the CD now is so bittersweet, reminding me of the beautiful times spent with her. I couldn't wait to play it as I would have rocked her. This is my special song for her. Listening to it is a reminder of just how much I miss her. It's a reminder of just how blessed I am to be her mother. It's a reminder of how thankful I am God saved her and gave me 40 glorious weeks and 2 beautiful days with her. It's a reminder of how I will carry around her legacy and love with me always. How would she look today? What outfit would I have put her in? What would we have done to celebrate? Would she be giggling right now? Six months...in a way, I can't believe it's been that long already. Yet, it also seems like time has just dragged on and on and on. Happy half birthday, Lily girl! 





The other day you asked me to
Tell you how much I love you
Oh, but words so often fail
To describe the depth and scale
And even though it may sound cliche
I'll tell you now in my simple way

My love is as true as the oceans are blue
And I'll always feel this way
Just listen to the beating that keeps repeating
My heart wants to say
Like Gala and Dali, Its you and me
Forever and a day
Forever and a day
Always

You watch me turn out the light
Wrap my arms around you, say goodnight
Trace our shadows on the wall
Thank God for the miracle of it all

My love is true as the oceans are blue
And I'll always feel this way
Just listen to the beating that keeps repeating
My heart wants to say
Like Gala and Dali, Its you and me
Forever and a day
Forever and a day
Always

The road of life winds
With the passing of time
I can hear you say
How can hearts know
Where love will go
Beyond today

Just listen to the beating that keeps repeating
My heart wants to say
Like Gala and Dali, Its you and me
Forever and a day
Forever and a day
Always

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Changes

Fall is almost here again and reminding me of this time last year when all those changes were taking place in my heart and life. My heart was opening up to a whole new world...the world of motherhood. This very day last year, I called my mom and told her I was pregnant. She was so excited. We talked for hours on the phone, laughing, crying, and planning for the days to come. Joy filled me up to the brim because I was making room for a new life in my life. A baby that I didn't yet know the gender of. But, somehow, in my heart I always knew. I always knew she was Lily. As surely as the changing of the seasons come, my life is changing once again. Change is really difficult for me. It means saying goodbye to someone you love. A season of life that you love. It means your left only with the memories of that time or that person. I always feel down this time of year, despite how much I enjoy sweater weather, pumpkin spiced lattes, and brightly colored leaves. But, after the fall, comes the winter. And in the winter, all the plants lose their leaves, their color, their life. And it's cold outside. And despite how much I enjoy being tucked in by a fire, with a hot cup of mocoa cocoa, listening to Christmas carols, I still have a hard time dealing with change. Change means things are no longer as they were. It's as if the things that were are no longer valued or cherished when they can be pushed aside...when life marches on. Yet, I know this isn't so. My life does march on. The leaves do change colors. The leaves will fall. The winter will come. It's inevitable. I will be reminded of last year, spending hours sitting on the floor making Christmas cards, with a 6 month pregnant belly. But, this year won't be the change that I was anticipating. I won't have her. I'm sick of dealing with all these changes. I never know what's to come. Each year of my life seems so much different than the last. My brothers left yesterday to truck-drive across the country, as a team. They will be gone for weeks at a time. It makes me so sad to think nothing is as it was. And what does the next season of my life hold? It feels like everyone is having all these great things happen to them. Everywhere I turn, someone just had a baby, got engaged, got married, or just found out they were pregnant...But, what about me? What good is happening for me? It's hard not to feel jealous. All I know is the one thing that remains. The one thing that never changes is my God. He is faithful always. The seasons may change, circumstances change, life marches on...but my God is the same yesterday, today, and forever...as is my love for Lily.

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Embroidered Backpack

My friend Tracey wrote me on Facebook and said: "I was picking up Sean from school the other day and I noticed the cutesy little backpack sitting in a cubby outside the classroom. Embroidered with "Lily Katherine." .... I thought of you! Hope you have a nice weekend!'

I think that's so cool and was glad she shared this with me.

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This Time

I've heard it plenty of times.
Each time, I grin from ear to ear.
Each time, my heart swells within me.
"Lily looks just like her mommy."
I thought so too.
Thank you.
You never got to see her legs, the same shape as mine.
Her nails, a miniature version of mine.
Her lips matched mine as a babe.
Her nose, an exact replica.
Someone said it again last night.
This time, the tears came.
This time, I wonder if she would still look like me, all these months later.
This time, I picture her lifeless body underground.
Still.
Quiet.
Forever.
This time I wonder if her eyes would look like mine.
This time I wonder if her hair would be curly, wild, blonde as mine was as a child.
Would she be short and stocky like I was?
Would she play with American Girl dolls?
Would she this?
Would she that?
If this.
If that.
I cried, thinking of all these possibilities and a life that I'll never know past 40 weeks, 2 days.
40 weeks.
2 days.
That's all I'll ever know.

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not afraid

I am not afraid to speak of March 16th, 2010.

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5 months

Another month has gone by without my girl. 5 months already?! She would be growing so much.

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My 21st Birthday

Today, August 12, I turn 21. My heart is heavy because I'm missing my girl, but I am so blessed by my dear friends and family. So thankful I got to celebrate with my best friend, cousins, mom, grandmother, and siblings :) Jill is also on my heart because her twins, Emma and Chase, are having their 1st birthday in Heaven today. 

We have had the amazing gift of housesitting and dogsitting for a couple that owns a B&B at the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia (most beautiful place on earth, in my opinion) for the last several years. This year, we are here for my birthday! I woke up to fresh mountain air, birds chirping, and pure beauty and peacefulness surrounding me.

Birthday breakfast! Bumma's famous mocoa cocoa and omelette, Mission Home pumpkin bread and flowers from my mom :)

Birthday balloons and presents :)

We ate lunch at my favorite restaurant in Crozet, Teresa's Cafe! Their chicken salad sandwich is the BEST! They even gave me a free dessert. :)

We went to go visit "our friend-the tree." He is HUGE!

It's so strange to think of what other 21 year olds are doing to celebrate their 21st birthday, while I visit my daughter's grave...

We had a party in the evening for friends and family. That was nice. At the end of my birthday, we layed on our backs and star-gazed. The sky is so dark and beautiful in Virginia where we're from. Overall, it was a peaceful, lovely day. But, the thoughts of what could have and should have been didn't escape me. We bought a dress for my girl to wear to celebrate her mama's big 21st! We had planned on being at the beach for the day with a friend of ours we met at the LifeCare Pregnancy Center. She was due with her daughter less than two months after me. But, now she has her daughter here, happy and healthy...and I don't. But, obviously what was planned will never be. I just wish my girl was full of LIFE on this day, here to celebrate my life.

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