Spring is Coming

This is a post I originally wrote and shared in 2012. I am reminded of it each year around this time...

Spring is officially here and for me, it's a bittersweet time of year. It reminds me of the time Lily came...and went. She was born just days before spring started. 

In the first few weeks after losing her, all the flowers were blooming beautifully and the sun grew warmer on my skin. The birds were happily chirping along, preparing nests for their wee ones. It felt wrong that life was marching on and the seasons were changing, even though she wasn't there. It felt like everything was supposed to stop since her life had ended. 

With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. Spring and Lily...they came together.

I see the hand of my God in choosing for her to be born right before the genesis of spring. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and spring are coming! 

There have been so many of these reminders in my life. Like on the day she was born, as well as on her 1st and 2nd birthdays, it was dark and gloomy out, and seemed to reflect the heart of God grieving along with us. Then, suddenly, unexpectedly, the sun peeked out from behind the clouds and a hint of blue could be seen. And it reminds me of this dance of sorrow and joy and how this whole journey is marked by tears of joy and tears of sadness. 

With spring comes new life and fresh hope. Even here on earth, the Lord is bringing beauty from ashes. There is spring even here, in this fallen world. The Lord is giving me a life and a purpose through Lily's life and legacy. What the world would look at as hopeless, God has turned into something so breathtakingly beautiful. In the midst of darkness, He brings glorious light. He uses the very things the enemy means to destroy us with and brings glory to Himself. He uses all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). He brings new life out of tragedy and heartbreak. Even with the pain, I would never choose another way. 

I am honored to have been chosen to be Lily's mother. I am honored that God would choose to speak His promise of everlasting life through Lily's and my story. She was born on March 16 (3:16) and yet again, He silently speaks His promise of spring...

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16 

Not only does God somehow, some magnificent way bring beauty and spring here on earth, but He reminds me that spring is coming. Eternal spring. Life with Him forever. But, forever doesn't have to begin when I die. I have Him now. I have His promises now, even though I don't tangibly have them all yet, I do have them, for He's promised them to me. And I trust Him. Even with the loss of Lily, I can have the hope that this sorrow is only for a short while longer. Then I will be with my girl for all of Eternity! 

My mom saw a glorious rainbow this morning, stretching all the way from one side of the sky to the other. She said the colors were so vibrant and amazing. How appropriate for this first day of spring. 

So with this change of season, may we each cling to the HOPE that's Christ. May we cling to the promise that He can and will bring beauty and spring out of sorrow and winter. Both here on Earth...and for all Eternity. 

Spring is coming. Hallelujah! 

  

"Our LORD has written the promises of THE RESURRECTION, not in books alone, but in every leaf in Springtime." -Martin Luther

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." -Psalm 30:5

This is a song from Steven Curtis Chapman's album, "Beauty Will Rise," that has been most instrumental in my healing journey. It flowed out of the Chapman's loss of their own precious daughter. This song reminds me so much of Lily, spring, and the promise I have in Christ. 

 

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At Least They Are

Somehow between each of Lily's birthdays, I forget how there's a let-down in the days after March 16th. 

I think people could assume that because March is a difficult month for me, that I am glad when it passes. Yes, it is difficult. But I find myself in one moment wanting another March to hurry up and pass quickly by and in the next moment, I love how close it makes me feel to Lily. It's a seesaw of mixed emotions.

There are many people who reach out to me in March, especially on Lily's actual birthday on the 16th, so when the days that follow come, I feel a wave of loneliness wash over me. As I've written about before, it feels like on March 16, people remember her more and understand my missing her more than they do the rest of the year. Because I do miss her, every day of every year. Not just on the 16th day of the 3rd month.

I was also wondering how many people would actually think of Lily on her birthday if I didn't share publicly as I do. Would anyone besides my family care? That's honestly a sad thought because it hurts that it's up to me to make sure people don't forget. I wish they would remember all on their own. And maybe some would. But not all. Not like they would remember if she were alive and here, present in photos, conversations, and life, instead of only present continually in my heart and thoughts.

The love I receive this time of year reminds me why I share. There are times when I wonder if it's worth it to be raw and vulnerable as I am, pouring out a piece of my heart and soul each time I write. Sometimes I feel exposed, like people can know so much of who I am, without me even knowing they are here. But then I will receive a comment or an email from someone who is reading, someone who cares, and it reminds me why I do share. It reminds me this is meaningful and purposeful. 

Even if others are only remembering Lily because I do, at least they are.

I'm reminded of a post I wrote a couple years ago called "Even Today."

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Her 6th Birthday ~ My Little Flower

How can March 16 hold such a juxtaposition of both pain and joy?

I have missed Lily for 6 whole years. 6 years I have wondered who she'd be and what life might be like with her by my side. 6 years ago today, she was born into my arms. I would have 6 years of memories of her life... but instead, the memories I have are from my pregnancy and those two sacred days - March 16th and 17th in 2010 - in the Rex Birth Center in Raleigh, NC. The only memories I have of holding her are from those two days.

Some people wonder why I celebrate the birthday of a little girl who isn't here, complete with red-velvet cake or cupcakes, a balloon, and flowers for a grave. Morbid, maybe a little strange, they say and think. I'll tell you why... I celebrate because she deserves to be celebrated. I celebrate her life and the fact that I was given the gift of her. I celebrate the months her perfect little heart beat steady and strong. I celebrate that she's had 6 years with Jesus! I celebrate that this world has had 6 years of Lily's legacy, of getting to hear her story and love her through my sharing her. I celebrate the beautiful birth I had with her, a very real birth for a very real little girl, a girl who would be 6 today. But instead she'd had 6 years of Heaven, and 6 years of me missing and loving her and longing for the day I'll see her again. For all these reasons and more... I celebrate.

"A flower's appeal is in its contradictions - so delicate in form yet strong in fragrance, so small in size yet big in beauty, so short in life yet long on effect." -Adabella Radici

Does this quote above not perfectly describe my little flower?

"The grass withers, the flower fades, but the Word of our God will stand forever." -Isaiah 40:8

"All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the Word of the Lord remains forever." -1 Peter 1:24-25

Lily is "my little flower" as I call her, that has faded from this world, yet the sweet fragrance of her life remains strong. Her life and death is a reminder to me that we are all fading, some quicker than others. Do we want the fragrance we leave behind to be sweet or bitter? Do we want our entire lives to point others to Jesus, like Lily's life has done? His Word is the only thing that will stand forever.

Lily continues to be a gift. The Lord continues to teach me many things through her life. She is an eternal flower, given as an eternal gift from an eternal God, as I wrote about on her 4th birthday. 

My mom described it well in saying the depth of pain all these years later is just as much, only the intensity of it comes less often. Yet we always miss her, which makes our hearts incomplete.

What has helped the most and harmed the most in these past 6 years of missing my daughter?

What has helped: Knowing God is sovereign and good. Knowing He loves my daughter. The hope of Heaven. And the support and love of friends and family who let me know Lily is not forgotten. Those who aren't afraid to "enter in" to my pain with me. Those who wrestle through the tears and questions with me, all the while pointing me to Christ in a lovingly gentle way. Those who say her beautiful name.

What has hurt: When people act like they know-it-all and are experts about my life and grief. I'm talking about the "Job-type comforters." When people who don't even know me tell me I need to move on, tell me I essentially need to forget my daughter and that it's wrong or unhealthy to love and miss her. Those who want to "fix" me and "cure" my missing.

First of all, unless someone has had to bury their child, they cannot possibly fathom the magnitude of loss or how it impacts the rest of your life. As my friend Stacy wrote about her daughter: "It will never get easier to have the ground between us." Does this mean I am not living fully? No. Does it make me unhealthy? No. It makes me a mother. Tell me which of your children you would be okay with burying? Which one would you stop talking about if they died? How about you talk to the countless women who I have met that are decades out from losing their baby, who still love and miss them like the day they lost them.

Not only that, but each person and their circumstances are entirely unique, making the grief process and how one expresses their grief also unique. People have different personality types... some people write, some people speak, some people are more private, while others are more public. Some people have children born before or after loss, making the grief dynamics very different.

One woman said I need to step forward in my life (as if I haven't already) and find total and complete healing. Here's the thing, the only thing that could heal me *entirely* is if time could rewind and Lily not have died. That or Heaven. I'll never be fully healed while on Earth. If my life looked the way I wish it would, if any of our lives looked perfect and whole, there would be no need for or hope of Heaven.

The author of one of my very favorite books, Glenda Revell wrote, "My affliction became the cord with which He drew me to Himself."

I can honestly say that the affliction of losing Lily and living these past 6 years without her has been a cord that has drawn me closer to Jesus than anything in my life. We can't see what God sees. He knows what will best sanctify us in this life, what will give us a yearning for Heaven and a longing for eternal things instead of temporal.

I believe the reason Lily died is because we live in a fallen world. God's best would be for her to have lived. But even in the midst of a broken world where babies die, God is still sovereign. He is still working it for good, for so many reasons, some I've been witness to. One of the greatest goods I've seen the Lord work from her death has been to draw me unto Himself in a deeper and fuller way than if she had lived.

Glenda also wrote, "Our dear Father is much more concerned with our eternal destiny than with giving us temporal pleasure. And unlike earthly fathers, God knows precisely what we need of both pain and pleasure to draw us to the ultimate good He has planned for us. I know now that God did not forsake me during my dark night of sorrow. All the time He was drawing me to Himself by peeling away, one by one, those objects of my longing, that, if given, would have kept me from longing for Him. God was on my side. His strong arm, which, in His great wisdom, so sorely bruised me, would eventually, in merciful tenderness, gather me into His bosom."

He has a plan and purpose for my pain. Sometimes, things don't need to be "fixed" in the way we humans want them to be. Brokenness can be a tool used in the strong hands of an Almighty God.

John Piper wrote, "When we have little and have lost much, Christ comes and reveals Himself as more valuable than what we have lost."

That's where I am 6 years from losing my precious baby girl... missing her just as much as March 16, 2010. Remembering *she* is not missing anything. Realizing how much I have lost. Recognizing that Christ is more valuable than anything or anyone. Longing for healing and Heaven.

Here are the blog posts I've written over the years, both on Lily's birthdays, as well as the posts about how we've celebrated her birthdays:

Happy First Birthday, My Darling

Lily's 1st Birthday Celebration!

Two Years Ago Today, I Held a Piece of Heaven

Lily's 2nd Birthday Celebration!

To Love is to Celebrate ~ Her 3rd Birthday

Lily's 3rd Birthday Celebration!

An Eternal Flower

Lily's 4th Birthday Celebration!

Her 5th Birthday ~ My Heart Will Choose
Lily's 5th Birthday Celebration!

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He Holds All My March 16s

As I lay here trying to get my thoughts to shut off enough to get some sleep, my mind goes back to this night 6 years ago.

I clearly remember being in that space between awake and slumber and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. I knew it was from God. I had been feeling nervous about giving birth and wondering how I could handle the physical pain. Never could I have imagined that in the coming hours, physical pain would be the least of my concerns.

As I drifted off to sleep that night, unsure of what was to come, the Lord already knew how it would all unfold. He knew that in just a couple hours, I'd awaken to contractions. He knew that in just a few hours, I'd learn what He already knew from the foundation of the world... that my little girl would slip away. That she wasn't meant to grow up on Earth.

I look back and am encouraged as I remember the peace and comfort that washed over me that night. And on this same night 6 years later, I am strengthened because that same peace and comfort is meeting me right where I am. The God who saw me that night could see me on this night. He holds my heart and my little girl. He holds all my March 16s in His hands.

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A Shared March 16th Birthday

My mom and I are good friends with our neighbor, Joanna, who lives just 2 houses down. The fact that we live so close and that we are friends makes it even more "ironic" that her daughter, Ashley, was also born on March 16th. She will be 13 this year, which means Lily was born on her 7th birthday.

We didn't know them well when Lily was born. However, it's crazy to think about how we were living by each other and we had no idea that on the day I was at the hospital delivering Lily, they were celebrating Ashley's birthday. Two little girls born at the hospital on the same date 7 years apart.

We discovered this shared date a year later, when Lily would have turned 1. It came up in casual conversation with my mom one day. That was around the time we started becoming friends with Joanna. We decided to take Ashley a gift to honor Lily on her birthday, since we can't get anything for our own little girl. They didm't even know about Lily at that point, but right when we took the gift over, Joanna was surprised we remembered her birthday and said, "oh, you must have someone in your family with that birthday." So my mom told her about our girl. She was so sweet about it and wrote in a thank you card: "Ashley has really enjoyed her birthday gifts. I'm glad she could bring happiness to your special day." (I am referencing old blog posts to recall these details).

Here is the gift we gave Ashley in 2011 (Lily's 1st birthday).

After that first year giving Ashley a gift, we decided to make it an annual tradition to honor Lily. And by that point, we had become good friends with Joanna. 

Here is the gift we gave Ashley in 2012 (Lily's 2nd birthday).

In 2013, we had a special little celebration for both Lily and Ashley at their house. I even took some of my Lily keepsakes over to share. Here's a photo of Joanna, Ashley, and I on that day.

Joanna got a cake that said "Happy 10th Birthday, Ashley." I wish she had included Lily's name too since it was for both of the just-as-real-and-loved girls born on March 16th. And of course it hurt when I didn't see her name, but I recognize and understand that people simply cannot understand what I want and need. People don't know how to handle Lily and the loss of her. I need to remember to have grace in that and to not take offense. Instead, I will continue to gently "grieve out loud," say her name, and incorporate her into my life. Maybe people will start to take a hint about how I love to include Lily as I continue to do so. I took 10 candles for Ashley and a number "3" for Lily's 3rd birthday. So, she was still honored on the cake after all. I actually wrote a blog post about how disappointed I was that night which you can read HERE. 

Here is the gift we gave Ashley in 2013 (Lily's 3rd birthday).

Not only is doing this for Ashley a sweet way to honor Lily, but we really enjoy shopping for little girls! We loved watching Ashley open her gifts and it meant so much to see how she truly loved what we gave her! She made use of her gifts while we were there.

Here is Ashley with the gift we gave her in 2014 (Lily's 4th birthday). 

Another successful year with a gift she enjoyed. :)

This is the chocolate cake we enjoyed. My mom made it from scratch (it was a big hit!) And I decorated it. Okay, don't laugh at how awful it looks haha. At least you can read it (it says Happy B-day L & A). There were 11 candles for Ashley and Lily's number "4" candle. We sang "Happy Birthday" and Ashley blew the candles out.

Here is the card we gave Ashley that year. It has a butterfly holding a cupcake. When I saw it, it reminded me of Lily, which is why I selected it. :)

For Lily's 5th birthday in 2015, my sister-in-law, Kala, and I made red-velvet cupcakes for the celebration. Ashley loved the gift we chose for her. Each year, as Ashley grows older, she likes different things and it makes me wonder what Lily would like as she'd grow up. When I hear "A" talk about her March 16 birthday, it makes my heart sink a little to know I'll never hear those words come from the lips of my daughter. I took Lily's prints to have her a part of the evening.

Here is the gift we're giving Ashley this year (Lily's 6th birthday).



And here's the card... perfect with flowers for my flower. :)

Oh, and Joanna wrote Lily's name in the sand for me in July 2013 at Cove Point, Lusby/Solomons, Maryland. That was sweet of her. :)

Click HERE to read all my "Similarity Stories."

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White and Pink Blossoms

This week in North Carolina, there are white and pink blossoms everywhere, reminding me of the pure little girl born 6 years ago this week. Seems so appropriate. I took this picture right in my front yard.

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Spud Day

Lily Katherine was due 6 years ago today on March 14th, 2010 (National Potato Chip Day), so one of her nicknames is "Spud." :)

Ironically, the food I ate nonstop during my pregnancy were hash browns (I like to think God has a funny sense of humor). I craved them daily and enjoyed them homemade, as well as at all different restaurants. It's only appropriate that we've made eating them a tradition each year on this day, in honor of our little Spud. My favorite way to eat them is with some soft and some crispy. And with ketchup. Delicious!

My friend Naomi wrote Lily's name and nickname in a potato field on Prince Edward Island a couple summers ago because she remembered what it means to me. Wasn't that so cute and thoughtful?

Though Lily was not born on March 14th, it was the day she was due, the date I associated with her my entire pregnancy. I shared that date when people asked how far along I was. So naturally, I still think of her on this date. I thought it sounded like such a pretty day to be due. I always liked even numbers better than odd.

I love having special days/memories/cute stories like this to share with others...because the fact is, I hardly got to make any memories at all with my first-born babe. And things like this remind me that she was real! She was truly here. March helps remind me and others around me that I didn't just lose an idea of a person, but a real, living, important, special someone...my precious daughter.

I know due dates mean different things for people who have lost babies. For me, the due date is a special, happy memory because I was still carrying Lily and was oblivious to the fact that she was already gone. Due dates are probably more painful for those who lost their babies early in pregnancy because they should have been pregnant up until that time and due dates are a reminder of what could have been.

If you like hash browns, today is a great day to eat them in honor of little Lily. ♥ 

My sister-in-law Kala made breakfast for dinner with (delicious) hash browns for she, my brothers, and I. Joseph said we were celebrating "Spud Day." I like that and want to start calling it that. :)

A gal named Vanessa who is in one of the stillbirth online support groups I'm in sent me this picture and wrote, "Sleep in peace beautiful Lily Spud."

Someone who follows along with Lily's story on my Facebook page sent me this picture and wrote, "Hi, been thinking of you, your family and dear Lily today. As you said you had a special love for potatoes during the pregnancy, and today is National Potato Day, so I wrote her name in our potatoes tonight in her honor. 6 toothpicks to double as "candles."

My mom is visiting one of her best friends in Maryland, who I call "Aunt G." Grace wrote, "We had gourmet mashes potatoes for supper. We rarely eat spuds here, but due to having company and Lily's birthday, we had spuds."

My friend Heather wrote and said they had potato and ground beef casserole.

Thanks to everyone who had spuds today for my lil Spud, both those who mentioned it and those who didn't. It's cool to know people around the world were eating them and thinking of her. And I like seeing the different kinds of spuds people enjoyed. :)

My friend Christine called Lily a tater tot, which I thought was adorable.

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