Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

This is a powerful short documentary that explores pregnancy and infant loss. A young man created it whose mother had a stillborn son (his brother), and 6 miscarriages. He interviews his mother, as well as several others for the film. It's really well done. The cinematography is beautiful and moving. I related to many of the things expressed.

The main important point I felt was portrayed was how deeply this type of loss forever impacts a mother especially, and how important it is for the mother to have support and empathy. It really changes things when people have others to talk to, and others who care to listen and engage.

I loved this quote:

"It's about actively listening, sincerely listening, and being somebody they can share their baby with, because that's what they long to do." I know that's what I long to do!

And this one:

"I think it's so important to remember that even though that loss occurred a month ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, 30 years ago, that that baby is still very much a part of that woman's life, and will be until she herself passes on."

The part of the film I found most deeply moving was when he interviewed his mother. I saw much of myself and my own pain and feelings in her. It absolutely breaks my heart for her when she talks about her sweet baby Jacob.

She said this:

"The loss of him and his siblings formed who I am today. I will never be the same woman. David said I had the greatest laugh in the world. He could be across the room and he could hear my laugh... He only recently has heard me laugh like that again because the laughter died with the babies. I guess I'll never really be over losing them. You don't ever get over losing your babies. You die before your babies."

That is right... you never get over losing your babies. It is the most unnatural loss. I too feel that who I am today has been shaped by Lily and Luke and my experiences. I am a different person now than I would have been. But I will be honest in saying I am afraid of becoming someone whose laughter died with my babies. I don't want to be that person. I don't want their lives/deaths to bring more sorrow than joy. As I watched her speak, and this dread swept over my heart, wondering if that's who I'll be in decades from now, I felt the Lord reminding me that this is not how it has to be. Yes, my babies have changed me forever and for always, but the change doesn't have to be a negative/only painful one. If I turn my eyes upon Jesus, day by day, moment by moment, I don't have to turn into a bitter, grief-stricken woman (I'm not saying this mother is that, I'm just saying I could become that without Jesus). Even if I never have a child to bring home and raise.

As the hymn says,
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace."

With Jesus, I have JOY, I have Life, I have HOPE... hope of eternal life for both me and my babies. I think there is a balance of recognizing that I have been changed, in some hard/sad ways, but mostly in good/beautiful/redemptive ways. And I can laugh while missing my babies, as well as cry while still clinging to hope. The loss of a child is devastating, but it doesn't have to devastate our lives/future/hope/laughter/joy. It doesn't have to steal the beautiful things in life.

It reminds me of a Jim Elliot quote that says, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." I don't want my longing, both for my babies or for my future, to slay the appetite of my living today, and all the beauty to be found and the laughter to be had now.

Lord Jesus, please give me the grace to continue turning my eyes upon YOU, and never losing sight of my HOPE in YOU ALONE.

It reminds me of a part in Lily's song that says, "Through laughter and tears, I will not forget sweet Lily, my beautiful girl." I wrote a blog post about this called "Through Laughter and Tears." There will be laughter, there will be tears. Through it all, I will not forget my beautiful girl and I will not take my eyes off Christ.

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"Expecting a child" and "going to be a mother"

I read this quote by Father Frank Pavone on Facebook yesterday and wanted to share it here. It is something that I think about whenever I hear these words spoken...

"When someone is pregnant, she is not expecting a child, she already has one. She is not going to be a mother, she already is a mother... If we are going to change the way society treats unborn children, we have to change the way we talk about them." -Father Frank Pavone

Every time I hear people say things like this (either about themselves or others), I cringe a little. When society uses such terms, women think they can decide whether or not they want to be a mother while their child is still in the womb. The truth is, once her child is conceived, she already is a mother and she can never not be a mother again.

If the "magic moment" when someone goes from "expecting a child" to "having a child" and being a "soon to be a mom" to "an actual mom" is a child's birth, what about the women who experience pregnancy and infant loss? Does that moment when a child's heart stop beating mean, "oh well, you're not a mother this time... better luck next time?" You see, such terms hurt these women. If a precious child passes away before birth, as my Lily did, are women like me not considered mothers? That's absurd, of course we're mothers! We carried our children, felt them kick, gave birth to them, planned funerals and designed headstones.

I know people don't mean any harm in saying things like this, but it's just not true. Lily was very much alive within me. She never lived outside of me, but that doesn't mean she never lived at all. It is so annoying and hurtful when people think that.

So, please, for the sake of everyone, don't use such terms. Let's treat the unborn with the honor and dignity they deserve. They are precious, valuable, individual human beings, who could never be replaced. And let's treat mothers of unborn children as the mothers they are, not as potential or future mothers. When we view the unborn the way God sees them, more women will choose LIFE. And more people will be empathetic towards the grief of one whose lost a baby.

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October 15th Raleigh Remembrance Service

Last night, my sister, mom, best-friend, twin brothers and I went to a special October 15th service for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This was the first year that I even knew such a day exists. 

This is what the event is all about:

October 15th Raleigh is a community wide event held in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Each year, approximately one million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child.

October 15th Raleigh is an effort to bring comfort, healing and unity to parents in the Triangle who have suffered a pregnancy or infant loss. October 15th Raleigh allows parents to openly remember their loss and to have their loss recognized.

The service was held at Journey Church in Raleigh, NC at 7 p.m. It was absolutely beautiful. There was beautiful music, a time of babies names being read (including Lily's), a time of sharing, and everyone lit candles in honor of our precious babes in Heaven. 

I got to meet the lady who coordinated the entire thing and she knows who I am because she's read my blog. My blog is listed on the October 15th Raleigh website. 

I wore my Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope shirt that I recently got with Lily's footprints on the back.

I took the opportunity to share a bit about my vision for donating hospital comfort boxes to grieving parents. I saw some of my friends from my local infant loss support group at the service. And I met a new friend named Wendy who has has two miscarriages.

I am thankful for an evening of remembering my sweet Lily girl. It feels good when others also see how much her life matters.

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