Letter from a Single Almost 30-year-old

I'm excited to be sharing another guest post today! This is someone I've been wanting to get on the blog for a while. :)

A few nights ago, I was listening to a CD that has an instrumental piano song on it that I've wanted to play at my wedding since I was probably 15. I haven't heard this song in years. When I listened to it the other night, it brought back memories of that time and even my thoughts and perspective then. I thought about how easy it is when you're that age to dream of marriage and motherhood, like it'll "just happen" in the desired timeframe. And how at that age, you hear of all these God-written love stories, stories that are beautiful, but yet they can create this false sense of expectancy... this belief that if I surrender this area of my life to God, if I honor Him in the area of love and romance, then surely He will bless me... surely that blessing will equate to marriage and a prince who comes in and sweeps me off my feet. But as the years pass by and you remain single, when life doesn't happen the way you'd expect and you don't get married by "23 at the latest," then it can feel complicated and confusing. It can leave you disillusioned and hurt by God. Did you miss the mark? It's not as easy to dream.

My dear Aussie friend, Karen, has been a huge blessing and encouragement to me walking through our lives as single Christian women together. We have shared our struggles and our victories. She displays such gentleness and humility, such honesty and grace. I have felt like I can open up my own heart to her, because in many ways it has reflected her heart as well. She has graciously agreed to share some of the things she has learned along her path of singleness. I asked her what she would say to that 15-year-old who, like Karen and I at that age, desires nothing but marriage and motherhood, who are big dreamers and full of expectancy for life to line up a certain way... who hear love stories and are romantics at heart. Yes, those stories have their place, but so do stories of women who have a longer season of singleness, whether that season will one day end or not. Jesus is the greatest prize, and I hope teens will grasp that truth, even when life doesn't go according to our plans and desires. I pray Karen's words are a blessing to those teens, and to those still walking this road of singleness.

Stay tuned to the end for a special something. ;)

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A letter from an almost 30-year-old single woman, to a 15-year-old desiring nothing but marriage and motherhood….

I never thought I would be that person… the almost 30-year-old woman who desired nothing but marriage and motherhood, who trusted in God and boasted that He is able to bring me and my husband together and who prayed and believed and prayed some more….yep, that one…that woman who is still… so… very… single….I never thought that would be me…

But it is….

That is my reality….and it could be yours.

I’ve learnt so many things over the last 15 years on this journey of singleness and seeking to understand God more through it all, invaluable lessons which I wouldn’t trade, not even for marriage and motherhood. And so, I want to share these things with you. It took me a long time to learn these things (and I’m still learning), but perhaps these lessons will help you in realizing that whether single or married, living with Jesus and for Jesus is worth it. Let me encourage you, not to wait and pray and hope that one day your prince will come, (that’s not my intention because as my life proves, that may not happen), but I want to encourage you to yearn for something more, something better, that you would desire Jesus and His glory above all temporary pleasures.

So here they are young one, lessons I have learnt and am still learning on this journey of singleness.

1.) Marriage and motherhood is not all there is and it certainly is not the goal of this life or the life to come….Marriage and motherhood are good but there is something better….and that is Jesus…knowing Him and making Him known and proving to the world that He alone is the best most satisfying thing you could ever have or experience….Is this just the consolation prize for a spinster-in-the-making? (which I admit I have thought in times past). If so, then your view of Jesus is too small…to think that marriage and motherhood is the epitome of life and that your life would be unbearable otherwise (also what I have thought in times past), then you really don’t understand how truly amazing the Gospel is or the God we serve. This life is not all there is...there is an eternity we are living for, an eternity where we do not get married and are not given in marriage (Matthew 22:30)….And in light of eternity, this life we have is only a speck of sand compared to an endless beach of joy and pleasure in the presence of the True Lover of our souls.

2.) Don't plan your life around marriage, making decisions based on ‘what if’ and putting things on hold until ‘that day’...When I finished school all I wanted to do was get married and have kids, I was in no way career minded (and I’m still not) so I had no idea what I was to do, so I just thought I would occupy until that happened…”well I’ll do this so when I’m married”…or “I’ll pursue this so when I have kids….” That is not the way to go about making decisions…Marriage and motherhood are good and it is good to think about such things, but to build your life around a reality that may not actually become a reality, you are going to come to a point where you will become very disappointed and disillusioned with life and with God. When you make decisions only one thing should occupy your thoughts…”How can God be glorified in this situation?”. Live life fully now as if your life’s blood is meant to be spent, don't “preserve” it until marriage, pour it out now.

3.) Marriage is not a reward and singleness is not punishment. So don't think that if you dress modestly, walk in purity, read your Bible and pray you will somehow be good enough for marriage or more deserving of it than others. You probably ‘know’ this but that won’t stop such thoughts from creeping in and convincing you that God is withholding something from you that you “deserve”…Dressing modestly, reading your Bible and praying are all good things, but do those things because of your love for God alone, not because you are trying to convince Him that you are worthy of marriage.

4.) God is not concerned with your happiness as much as He is concerned with your holiness...Life is not about your happiness…The world in all its forms will tell us otherwise but we know that a life in pursuit of our own happiness will lead us down a destructive path…We need a higher calling than satisfying our emotional state and that’s pursuing God’s glory and furthering His Kingdom. And when you do pursue this path you will realize that holiness is happiness.

5.) “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)....I have clung to this verse so tightly over many, many years, and I have also held this verse out of context. Delight in God = I get marriage and motherhood...When you truly delight in God you don’t have any conditions for Him to meet, you simply delight in all that He is, not what He can give you…And when you truly delight in all that He is you will notice your truest heart’s desires changing to desire Him...yes, you still desire marriage and motherhood (as I still do), but you desire Him more...trusting that if such things will bring you deeper into Him then He will make that happen. Stop clinging to this verse as a means of getting what you want…Delight in Him truly and He will give you Himself as your heart’s truest desires.

6.) “For He satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness (Ps.107:9)”  “Thou wilt show me the path of life. In thy presence is fullness of joy and at thy right hand are pleasures forevermore (Ps16:11)”. Married or single, only He can satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. Do not accept that He cannot satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. He created you so He knows and understands you better than you do. If He says that only He can satisfy the longing soul, then believe it. He’s not in the business of lying.

7.) Questions you will ask yourself at some stage “Did I miss the mark?”, “Should I have put myself out there more?”, “Should I wear clothes a little bit more closer fitting to catch a guy’s attention?”...The God of the universe who brought all things into being is capable of bringing two people together....if you are to marry then He will make it happen. Your anxiety comes from your doubt in God and His sovereignty.

8.) Marriage and motherhood is good, therefore God will give me these things because He is good and He delights in giving good gifts to His children…God is good, marriage and motherhood is good, God delights in giving good gifts to His children…All very true…But like I said before, there is something better than marriage and motherhood, and that is truly knowing and loving Jesus…God is so good that He won’t allow your heart to become captivated by something other than Himself, which is the greatest good thing we could ever have. God orchestrates our lives so that we have the greatest opportunity to know Him more intimately, and if that means remaining single, wouldn’t you want that? But perhaps you think, “If He is able to orchestrate all this can’t He orchestrate my life to include marriage and motherhood as a means of knowing Him more intimately as He has obviously done in the lives of others?” ….Perhaps He could, perhaps He will one day, but if you are truly desirous of His glory and seeing others see that He is of unmeasurable worth, then whether He does or He doesn’t isn’t a question you ask anymore.

9.) Stop focusing on your “misfortunes” of singleness and turn outward...there are many people who are suffering and do not have the hope that we have...Yep, it's hard when you have unfulfilled longings...But this life is short and there are those who will spend their forever in a Christ-less eternity....get a bigger picture than your own little world. Ask God to give you a Godly ambition and an eternal perspective.

10.) Some days you just need to cry...It is hard living with unfulfilled longings and a fading dream, especially when others around you seem to be having all theirs fulfilled. In these dark moments, and you will have dark moments, keep bringing them to God, tell Him honestly what you are feeling and keep preaching Truth to yourself. Ask God to prove that He is the best most satisfying thing you could ever have or experience, and keep trusting Him and His goodness.

11.) Why would God give me such desires if He doesn’t intend to fulfill them? Nothing has brought me more frequently or more passionately before God than my desire for marriage and motherhood….perhaps these desires are a mercy in order to bring us to God and to help us realize that our love for Him has been so very shallow. It’s easy to say how great God is and how much you love Him when you have everything you want. Throw in those unanswered prayers, intense longings, and your friends getting what you want and you will see just how little you loved your Lord. You don’t realize that He is all you need until He is all you have.  

So there you go, lessons from an almost 30-year-old who has longed for marriage and motherhood since forever and who is still waiting. I still have hope, but it is not in marriage and motherhood, as it has been for so many years, my hope is in the total and utter goodness of God and how He will not allow my heart to be captivated by something as temporary as marriage and motherhood. He wants my heart to be captivated by the source of True Joys, and I am so thankful that He has not allowed me to become a wife and mother yet. My love and desire for the Lord has grown exponentially through all of this and in the end (which is only the beginning) when you stand before Christ, the sorrow of unfulfilled longings and dashed dreams won't even compare to the immense joy and pleasure you will have for all eternity in the presence of the true Lover of your soul.

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I thought I'd throw in a little something silly that shows a bit of Karen and my friendship. We met at Ellerslie in the Fall of 2011, where we wrote a song about our friendship. Here is a video with a performance of that smash hit, "When Worlds Collide." ;)

~You can read more posts I've shared on singleness by clicking here.

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Fixed

I decorated my daughter's grave for Christmas recently. This has been my tradition for many Christmas seasons now. This is all I can tangibly do for my child for this special occasion... for any occasion.

As I was driving to the cemetery that evening, I passed the high-school that I attended. My cousin Thomas who is on the cross-country team was running with a teammate when he spotted me and excitedly waved. As I tidy things up, the sun was setting and I heard the cars zipping by.

It feels like the whole world is zipping by. The busy world is in a blur all around, but inside the gate surrounding the cemetery, all is fixed and silent.

I can hardly find words to describe what I'm feeling. It's like I drove in and everything slowed down around me. The whole world goes on and my world stops when I'm there. I've changed, grown, and aged in these years that I've been tending to the grave of a child who never will.

In a world where nothing seems fixed and things can seem chaotic and unpredictable, I know what to expect at the cemetery. Her stone is fixed. The things I'll need to do to tend to her spot are fixed. Her status as dead is fixed. Her being my forever baby and never my 7-year-old anticipating Christmas is fixed. Our relationship separated by realms is fixed.

But even in all the fixed permanent heartbreaking things that child loss entails, my Home in Heaven is fixed. Lily's place next to Jesus is fixed. Immovable. Unshakeable. The blur of this changing world will one day be steadied and fixed in Eternity, where I will no longer decorate my daughter's grave for Christmas. ❤️🎄💚 

Here are the decorations I took to Lily's spot this year... an "L" stocking, a sleigh, a Christmas tree, a snowman ornament, ice skates, and a Christmas flag. :)

About a week later, I took a couple more decorations there... the flowers and little tree for her vase.

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Abortion and Miscarriage Grief

I've been seeing a lot of talk swirling around recently after Planned Parenthood shared a quote with an article that claims abortion is the same thing as miscarriage.

Grieving parents who've lost a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth are clearly and understandably upset because of the reality of the stark differences. One is a deliberate taking of life and the other is an unintentional loss of life. This is obviously different.

But as someone who has experienced both, I'm here to share my thoughts.

While the losses are undeniably different, the grief over the losses can be very much the same (I know this is not a popular statement) because each results in the loss of one's own child and all their lives would have held. Not everyone regrets their abortion, so I'm not talking about them. I'm referring to the millions of women (and men), who do regret their decision to end the life of their unborn baby.

In February 2009, I chose for a heartbeat to cease within my body at 6 weeks gestation, and a year later another heartbeat would cease within my body that wasn't my choice. A baby who grew big and strong until she was suddenly lost 2 days past her due date. Both hearts beat on in Eternity. Both hearts changed mine. The ceasing of one left me with regret while the ceasing of the other left me with peace. The difference being the surrender to God's will.

As alone as I feel at times in loving and missing Lily, I feel even more so about Luke. I wonder how could I expect others to miss him when I didn't even know him? How could I expect others to love him when I loved him too late?

I feel like a fraud and a phony, when I know others believe I have no reason or right to grieve. After all, it was a choice I made. Some of the same people that validate my grieving Lily believe my grieving Luke is invalid. There are the rare friends who honor and remember Luke alongside me as well.

Doesn't regret flow out of choices that we wish we could re-do? Why do we have grace for other forms of regret, but not for this?

Once post-abortive women and men come to understand the depth of the painful reality of their choice, the last thing they need is further condemnation piled on top of them. What they need is compassion, love, grace, and mercy. Just as Christ has given each and every one of us.

Would we rather women not regret their abortions? We should be grateful for the empowerment of the witness of those who have awakened to the truth of the wrong they have done. Who better to testify to the ravages of abortion than those who have been through it?

Our compassion should be fueled by taking into consideration the confusion created by abortion being sanctioned by the law and by much of society. After all, if it's legal, it must be right and good. Living in a nation that constantly bombards us with messages of "choice," "rights" and "look our for number one," why should we be shocked when people actually live by these all-pervasive messages?

When we deny women the right to grieve, we are saying that that child's life who was aborted didn't really matter. Does that life not deserve to be grieved and acknowledged? Do the sins of the parents wipe out the validity and sanctity of the aborted child?

We fight for life and say we value it, yet why don't we give room and grace to those who've lost a baby in any way? Why do we silence these women and men and want them to "move on" without pause? Why do we tell them they can have another baby as if that somehow makes it okay that this baby died?

Unashamedly I say that both my babies lives matter. I grieve the loss of both of them. I have two children and no lack of understanding from others will change that truth.

It was a gift the Lord gave me when He opened up my heart to love both Lily and Luke as much as I do. And because of how much I love them, I miss them with that same great measure. The grief, in turn, is also a gift, for even that points to the sanctity of their lives and each life, no matter how brief! The agony of regret and guilt adds another dimension to the complicated grief over Luke.

As I've processed my abortion experience and pain over the past almost 9 years, I've grown to have grace and compassion for 19-year-old me, who chose to have an abortion. At that age, I convinced myself that somehow this page in the story of my life could be erased, torn out. That's what the deceiver whispered in my ear. But, now I see so clearly. It was a lie. And I was in such a place of vulnerability and desperation that I was willing, eager even, to believe it.

I realize this could happen to anyone given the right, or shall I say wrong, circumstances. I pray you will remember the same next time you come across a woman who is grieving her child lost through abortion.

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Our Scars Tell Our Stories: Bex's Adoption Story

I'm excited that I have another guest post for ya'll! My dear friend Bex is sharing her story of open adoption. She's a birthmom to her son, Kip. She placed him for adoption in 2008, less than a year before I got pregnant with Lily. I knew about her story and reached out to her when I needed a friend and someone who understood what I was going through. She was that friend to me, helping me through my pregnancy and through my wrestling with the choice of adoption or parenting. Her friendship has been incredibly precious to me in how we've helped each other process our experiences. Besides Lily's father, she was literally the first person to know about her. I know you'll be blessed to read what she's written. She could have shared so much and I hope you'll follow along with her adoption story on Instagram to read much more (link at the end of the post). I wanted to share stories of people touched in multiple ways by adoption, to share the beautiful and the hard, because after all, adoption is born out of loss. It's incredibly important to truly hear other people's stories and perspectives. It helps us learn to be empathetic and loving when we get outside of our own bubbles and recognize we have much to learn from the experience of others. I pray Bex's words will especially touch those considering placing their child for adoption themselves and those who've adopted a child or are considering adoption one.

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I was 18, from a "good home," and I "knew better." I had run from hurt straight into more. I found myself carrying the baby of someone I didn't have a healthy relationship with.

"How will I tell the people I love that I am pregnant? What will they say and think? What if something happens and I don't actually have to deal with this?" Irresponsible. Dirty. Not good enough. Shame sneaks in and pins me down. My belly grows and there are now stretch marks... evidence of my mistake. Who would want me with this story and these scars?

I moved to Colorado to be with a friend and her family who took me in and loved the mess I was. They supported me in looking into all my options. Adoption was presented and I balked at the idea. I could never give my baby to a family I didn't know and go on living life wondering about him. Through the course of the summer I became educated about the option of adoption. When I learned about open adoption I knew this was the only way I could move forward in making an adoption plan. Open adoption means the birth family and adoptive family share personal/identifying information and communicate directly, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything beyond that...it's really up to the particular triad as to how that is handled and plays out.

God brought a couple into my life that "happened" to be working with the same agency I was. We built a relationship and began to move forward with the adoption plan. We talked about what it would look like for us to choose open adoption. We knew it wouldn't be easy, but it would be healthy and best for all of us. There isn't a contract of guidelines stating how the open adoption will work, so this means there has to be an abundance of grace for each other.

My labor and delivery was not at all what I planned. After many hours of no progression, my son, Kipling, was born via cesarean. November 1, 2008, 9:25p, 7lb 8 oz, 21 in. The days following I was healing from major surgery, trying to be a mom, and dealing with emotional and mental stress. All too soon it was time for us to part; I signed final relinquishment paperwork while holding him...it was surreal. He went home to his new life and I left empty handed and broken-hearted.

I did not seek post placement counseling....I was told the grief I felt was normal and it would eventually subside. I was told so often that I was brave and strong, which I *heard* as "you are strong, strong people aren't sad about decisions they've made like this." Looking back I realize that is not what was meant, but this is how I applied those words.

Not terribly long ago I was attending a birth (I am a doula) and a nurse said to the client, "you do all this work and then you get to take your baby home!" I about lost it because all I could think was "I did this and I didn't get to take my baby home." This pushed me to get professional counseling. Through counseling I was able to continue processing my birth story. One of the biggest things that came out of this was learning to not bottle my emotions up, because they would just be a huge mess near Kip's birthday, visits, and holidays. It's a process...I didn't finish that season of counseling having it all together. I'm so thankful to my counselor for the hours she put into listening to my story, letting me feel all the feels with no judgement, teaching me healthy ways to process grief, and for affirming what is true!

Bex, her husband Ben, and Kip at their wedding

There have been seasons when I've struggled with how our open adoption relationship functions, and seasons when it is everything I could hope for it to be. But this is the joy of openness...there is a relationship to be had! I'm so thankful E and L have always been open to me. And with that there is great peace and joy in knowing my little boy is happy, healthy, and so very loved. This is the tension of adoption, it is beautiful and hard.

Earlier I mentioned the shame and guilt I felt after finding out I was pregnant. There are still days when I don't remember Who I am in and the shame sneaks back in. There are still days when I look down and cringe at my stretch marks. But there are days I am able to rest in God's healing. He goes before and comes behind giving each piece of my story a purpose, banishing shame, and giving me grace and forgiveness.

If you are considering placing your child for adoption, I want you to know I am here for you. Feel free to follow my adoption story on Instagram @bex_tummymommy

Here is a beautiful video from Kip's Entrustment Ceremony.

"We pray that you'll always know that the reason that you have two families is not because you were loved less, but because you were loved more."

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Bex and I in Denver, Colorado in 2015.

Here are our friendship bracelets with our tattoos for the little ones who brought us together in friendship. She was one of the first to know the name that is now forever on my wrist.

Bex and I with Kip at his 3rd birthday party in 2011. :)

You can read all the posts I've shared about Bex and Kip by clicking here.

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Lily with Santa

The Christmas season means many parents are getting photos of their children sitting on Santa's lap.

I never got a photo like that.

Some people on Facebook teamed up to offer these unique Santa photos free of charge for those who've lost children. It's such a sweet gesture and touches my heart.

Lily with Santa. I don't know how much we would have gotten into the whole Santa thing, but it's special to have regardless. ❤️ 🎄 ❄️ ⛄️ 🎁  #HonoringLilyatChristmas

As my friend Hannah said, it's a gift to have the choice of whether to take our children to see Santa. When our babies die, we lose that gift of choice. She said even though it's not the same choice I would have been able to make if Lily were here, it's still a choice. I'm still getting to make some choices for Lily. I chose to have her photo made "with" Santa. What a lovely and comforting way to look at it.

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8 Begins

December brings the reminder that Lily would be turning a new age soon. She'd be 8 in just 3 months. It starts when December 10th and 11th roll around. You see, Josie Duggar turned 8 yesterday, on the 10th. And Lily's cousin, Owen, turns 8 today.

The reason I remember Josie's birthday is because she was due on March 18th, 2010 and Lily was due on March 14th, 2010 and was unexpectedly stillborn on March 16th, 2010. I remember when I was pregnant with Lily and finding out that Michelle was pregnant with Josie and thinking it was special they were due just days apart.

And then of course little Josie was born over 3 months prematurely, spending time in the NICU. While this tiny girl was fighting for her life, my Lily grew big and strong in what should be the safest place on Earth, in her mother's womb. 

But Josie survived to see her 8th birthday. And Lily did not... even though she was in the best place I thought she could be. I sometimes think if Lily had just been born a few days earlier, she would have been born alive. It's difficult to know that she could have survived for literally months outside of the womb before the time she was born, yet she died because she was in the safe place. It's all so hard to wrap my mind around.

Josie Duggar will always remind me of Lily. Seeing her grow up some on the 19 Kids and Counting television show just blew my mind to know my girl would be that big too. They are equally as real and equally as important and cherished by their families.

And then Lily's cousin, Owen, turns 8 today. Owen is my first cousin, Daniel's, son. I have written many times about how Owen and Lily are boy and girl cousins born 3 months apart, just as Daniel and I are boy and girl cousins born 4 months apart.

As the years have passed, honestly it has gotten a lot easier for me to think about Owen growing up and to see photos of him. He is absolutely adorable! But each year on his birthday, I am reminded afresh of the little girl who should be having a birthday close behind him.

I wish I was feeling amazed at how fast my daughter is growing up, how the years are flying by... but instead, I am sad that the years are flying by, but my daughter will never grow up. She will always be my baby.

You can read all the posts I've written about Owen through the years by clicking here.

And you can click here to read a post I shared before about the Duggar family.

Here I am with Daniel 8 years ago this month - shortly after Owen was born and Lily was growing away! I actually still have and wear that shirt!

Daniel and I visiting Lily's special spot around Thanksgiving 2013, shortly after her permanent stone was installed.

This photo was taken during the summer of 2010. It was the first time I met Owen and would have been the first time 3-month-old Lily would have met him too.

Isn't he a cutie?! :)

Daniel and I when we were little... how I wish Lily and Owen were in pictures like this together too! Here Dan and I were around the age Owen and Lily are/should be now.

But instead, these are the only sort of pictures they'll ever take "together." Each March, Owen wishes Lily a "Happy Birthday" and takes a photo to send me (except for year 2). It's one of my favorite traditions! I really treasure those photos. Each year, he grows bigger and she stays the same.

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Snowman Ornament

My sweet friend Ashley gave me this Christmas ornament in honor of Lily. 😌🎄❤️⛄️❄️  #LilyKatsChristmasTree #HonoringLilyatChristmas

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