Nothing too small for His love

Corrie Ten Boom is one of my spiritual heroes. I find that so many of her stories, I carry around with me and recall them throughout my days and in different circumstances of life. Here is a story from Corrie's message, Effectual Fervent Prayer. She talks about how nothing is too small for God's love:

I learned that in the difficult class of life’s school when I was a prisoner. When you are in a difficult class, then you learn much, especially when the teacher is good, and my teacher was the Holy Spirit. And He taught me so much. And one of the things was about there’s nothing too small for God’s love. I was a few days in the concentration camp, and I said to my sister, “Betsy, I’ve caught a cold and I have no handkerchief. What must I do?” Betsy said, “Pray.” I did the same like you. I laughed. But she didn’t laugh. She folded her hands and said, “Father, in Jesus name I pray that you will give Corrie a handkerchief. She has caught a cold. Amen.” And she had hardly said “Amen” when I heard that they called out my name and there stood a friend of mine, a fellow prisoner, who worked in the hospital. I said, “You’ve come, Tomika. You visit me.” And she said, “No, no, I have no time. I just come to bring you a little present.” And she gave me a very small package, and I opened it and it was a handkerchief. I said, “How in the world did you know that I needed a handkerchief?” She said, “I found an old sheet, and I was sewing handkerchiefs from that old sheet, and when I was busy there was a voice in my heart who said, ‘Bring a handkerchief to Corrie Ten Boom.’” Can you understand what a handkerchief tells you in such a moment? That there is a Father in Heaven who hears it when on a very small planet, the earth, some one of His children prays for impossible small things, for a hankie, and that Father in Heaven tells one of His other children, “Give a handkerchief to Corrie Ten Boom.” That is the foolishness of God. But the foolishness of God is the greatest wisdom. And I learned so much by that handkerchief. 


Just imagine when your little child or grandchild cries because an old doll is broken. And she brings that doll to her daddy. She says, “Oh Daddy, my doll is broken.” What does Daddy say? “Oh girl, put it away. That doll is not worth a dime.” No, Daddy doesn’t say that. He says, “That’s too bad. Come here, come to Daddy. I will try to mend it.” And that grown up man tries to repair that old doll. How in the world, can a grown up man give so much time to such a valueless thing as a broken doll? Because he sees it through the eyes of the little one. Because he loves the little one. And so God sees your problems through your eyes because He loves you. ~Corrie Ten Boom


"There’s nothing too great for God’s power. There’s nothing too small for His love." ~Corrie Ten Boom


Oh Jesus, may we trust that You care about the smallest details of our lives! May we learn so much by that handkerchief. And may You show us in our own lives Your great love.

Here is a small reminder in my life that nothing is too small for my God's love:

Lily is layed to rest in my hometown of Crozet, Virginia. I live in North Carolina though, so I don't get to go up there often. I don't get to take flowers and things to her grave much, so it means a lot to me when others think to do so. I haven't been able to afford a headstone for Lily, which really bothers me. So, even when people go to visit Lily's spot, they can't find her. The only thing there was a windchime. My dear friend, Elise, took her a birthday balloon and flowers on her special day. It is really important to me to get Lily a permanent headstone. Maybe this doesn't mean much to others, but it does to me. You see, Lily is my only child. She is the only one I can do anything for on earth. I don't have other children to care for. And it feels like it will be honoring her when I can get her a headstone. Permanent engraved words that say, she was real. She was here. She had weight in this world. So, people can go visit her and easily find where she is because her name is clearly marked, for all to see. I really have no idea when I will be able to get a headstone for Lily.

The reason I am sharing all this is because Jesus cares about the smallest matters in our lives. He knows how important it is for me to have something there, as a special marking for Lily. Around Lily's birthday, my Aunt Nana took a beautiful angel statue to Lily's grave. I haven't been able to see it in person yet, but I can't wait to! It feels like something special, just for her. Now, I can tell people to look for the beautiful angel statue. This means so much to me to have something there until I can get a permanent marker. Isn't it amazing that my Jesus would lay that on her heart, when she had no idea how much that would mean to me. I want to plant some flowers around her spot once the headstone is in. I know that my Jesus cares about a headstone for Lily because I do. I am His daughter, and just as a father mends the broken doll of his daughter, how much more does our Heavenly Father care for us!

Not very good picture quality, but here is the statue.

I see that my God cares about the small things in our lives, in my life. And I know that one day, I will have a headstone for Lily. I am praying that He will provide that for me, just as He provided a handkerchief for Corrie.

The entrance to the cemetery where Lily is buried. It's called Hillsboro Cemetery, so if you live 

anywhere near Crozet, Virginia or are passing through that area, I'd love it if you stopped by! Look for the angel statue! And pretty soon, there will be a permanent headstone there too :-)

Taking flowers to my girl.

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Leave a Legacy

I feel an urgency to get this out. Because you see, I am realizing more and more how fragile this life is. It can be here one moment and gone the next. In the last nine months, two people I went to school with and a distant cousin have all died suddenly and unexpectedly in tragic car accidents. And of course, losing my daughter has opened my eyes to what a blessing it is to be alive. This life is but a brief breath and then we have all eternity. All these things have stirred something in me. So, here I am, writing this post, attempting to convey the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head.

None of us know when our last few hours and moments will be and there is so much uncertainty in life. We don't know if we're going to be one of those who die young or live to 100. Tomorrow is never a given. The rest of today isn't either. Do we live like that? Do we live with passion and love, like it were possibly the last day we could make an impact? Or do we think death or tragedy will never happen to us or our family? Do we think we are invincible and will live until we're old, so we put off getting our lives together? "Tomorrow I'll do this." "Tomorrow I'll do that." This moment is all we have. 

Jesus is the only constancy, the only certainty.

Have I wasted my life? Have you wasted yours? I know I have wasted time...days, weeks, months, even years. Because you see, I haven't always lived fully abandoned to the cause of Christ and His will in my life. And, oh, how it grieves my heart to think of how much more I could have served and loved my Jesus all these years. How much more might He have been able to use my yielded life for His glory?

But, my friends, we must not look behind, but ahead. Oh Lord, keep our eyes fixed on what You want to do with the rest of our lives! May we not be so discouraged, focusing on the past, that we forget where You want to take us now. We cannot change the past. But, my hope is in Christ and He is a God who restores and makes all things new. I know, trust, believe that He can use my past failings and regrets for His glory and my good. I don't know how He does it, but He does. And it's breathtakingly beautiful to behold. So, don't get so down, feeling guilty and so full of regret that You miss what He's trying to do now and how He desires to use these things for good. He can bring beauty out of those wasted years...in my life and in yours. Look how He redeemed Paul in Scripture.

"...One thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead." ~Philippians 3:13

May we feel the weight of it all, the weight of eternity. Don't grow cold to what God is trying to do in your life. Don't put things off! May we fight for the souls that our Jesus wants to rescue. Raise your sword in battle!

So, I ask you, what kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? Because we will all be leaving a legacy, it's only a matter of what it will be. There is no guarantee we will live until we're old. Do we want to be remembered as one who was selfish, materialistic, lazy, etc? Do we want to be remembered as a mediocre, lukewarm, half-hearted Christian, or someone sold-out for God? Do we want to live this life with one foot in the world and one foot in the murky waters of Christianity, or with both our feet firmly planted on the Rock?

As for me...I want to be remembered first and foremost as someone who was completely in love with and devoted to Jesus Christ. I want to be His servant and yielded vessel. I want to be known as Luke Shiloh and Lily Katherine's mother. For the story of LIFE and redemption that my Lord has chosen to write for me. I pray others remember what He did in my life and story, even if they don't remember my name or even the names of my children. I hope and pray that Lily lives through me. I hope Lily's legacy is honored and remembered long after I'm gone, even if I'm not. I want to be remembered as a servant. Someone who loved her family and friends and put them above herself.

What about you? What do you want to be remembered for? I am seriously praying about what God's will and purpose for my life is. And I want to fulfill everything He sent me here for, like Lily did. Without ever taking a breath or speaking a word, my girl has accomplished so much in this world. And I can only hope to be used by God like that. Lily Katherine is speaking from Heaven. She is speaking through this story. He is speaking through her story, this story, our story. Her life has such volume and speaks so much more than if she were here. What a precious gift. I am to be her voice on this earth. May that never be taken lightly.

I am going to write out everything I want to be remembered for. I want someone to read my words at my funeral, whether that's in 1 year or 70 years. And I pray that God will make me that person. That He will mold me into everything He intended me to be when He created me. And that when people hear the words I wrote, they will nod along and say, yes....that's exactly who she was and that's exactly who she'll be remembered as...

May we live today the legacy we want to leave.

"Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." ~James 4:14

Keep your eyes fixed on Calvary and live in light of the glorious Cross!

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Lily Remembered in California on Bereaved Mother's Day

Thank you to Jonathan's mommy, Tesha, for honoring Lily in California on International Bereaved Mother's Day. I love all the beautiful colors!

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Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is a special day to me. It is something that most people have never even heard of and have no need to hear of it. Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day, formerly International Babylost Mother's Day. It falls on the first Sunday in May each year. I have been recognizing it since it started in 2010, the year my daughter was born and died.

Here is what Carly Marie (the creator of this special day) had to say about it:


"This day was created to get people to start talking about the real meaning of Mother’s Day. Do you know who started it? Anna Jarvis founded the traditional Mother’s Day to honour her mother who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten.


This special day was created in 2010 to honour and celebrate the mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mother's Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world. Just because your baby died does not mean that you are not a mother anymore. You are your baby’s mother forever and people need to start recognizing this fact."


You can also read what Carly Marie wrote about this special day in a post at the new Still Standing online magazine. Also, please become a fan on the facebook page. To help raise awareness for this beautiful day take some flowers from the flower gallery, found on the facebook page and Carly Marie's website. Post them as your profile image on your favorite social network. Post them on your friends walls on facebook and let them know they are beautiful mothers. Also, use the images on your blogs or websites.


So, my dear friends who carry a baby in their heart while they run the streets of gold...this flower is for you. Thank you for being there for me on this journey of grief and healing. And thank you to those of you who remembered me today and honored my girl. I will share later what I did special for the day. Much love.


Read my daughter, Lily's story, here.

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Still Standing

Today, May 5, marks the debut of the new online magazine, Still Standing! It deals with child loss and infertility. Some of my long-time blog friends are writing for it.  

{via}

Here is the mission statement from the website:

In the face of loss and infertility, our mission is to show the world that we are still standing. Holding fast to resilience and hope. Our mission is to help you embrace life for everything that it is after experiencing the loss of a child or infertility.

The focus of this magazine can be broken down into three parts:

• encouraging women, men and even children to embrace life
• connecting hearts around the world who have similar life experiences
• becoming a resource for friends, family and even medical professionals, to know how to support someone enduring child loss and/ or infertility

My blog friends and "real life" friends who have also lost babies have been so dear to me on my journey of grief and healing. I am so thankful for these people and resources such as this that remind me I'm not the only one whose ever felt this way. It is okay to grieve for and miss my daughter. There was even a yahoo article written about the magazine! So proud of you ladies!

Be sure to check out the magazine and show your support today and become a fan of the facebook page! Also, add one of the pictures below found on the facebook page to your profile, share on your blog, etc. There are several colors to choose from. :-)

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Life and the Protection of it

I realize what I am about to write is not politically correct, yet it must be discussed nonetheless. 

There was a precious bird's nest in our garage with the tiniest baby birds I've ever seen. The nest was so elaborate and beautiful and it was obvious that the parents spent lots of time preparing it and making it just right. Last night, my brother was walking through the garage and looked in to see the birds, only to find a giant snake wrapped around the helmet the bird's nest was in. We were all devastated to hear that a snake had eaten these tiny, defenseless baby birds. Why am I sharing this? 

Well, it's got me thinking. Anyone who reads this can agree that it's sad what happened to these baby birds. But, that's just it...they were just baby birds. Do we feel the same amount of sadness when we hear about babies being aborted in a Planned Parenthood right down the road from us? Or have we grown accustomed to it? Do we suffer from depraved indifference? 

I saw this picture on facebook yesterday and it goes along with this.

What sort of a world is it that protects the forests, the eagles, the whales, yet legally disposes of human life? The same people that passionately fight for the protection of whales, at the same time are just as passionate about "women's rights." Yes, they are all part of God's creation. Yet, they are just animals and nature. They are not created in the very image of God, like precious unborn babies.

In the latest Set Apart Girl online magazine, there is an article called "When Going Green Goes Too Far."  (I highly recommend reading this!) Leslie Ludy talks about how two girls outside of Whole Foods were stopping each person to tell them about 50 whales off the coast of Japan who they were fighting to rescue. How ironic that people get so passionate about the rescue of animals, yet they forget the 163 million orphans around the world, the little girls forced into slave prostitution in Cambodia and South America, and the 1.2 million babies aborted in this country alone each year!

Have you gotten caught up in what the culture says about "saving the planet" that you are exalting creation over Creator? Have you allowed your heart to grow cold to abortion because you've gotten so accustomed to it? May this not be so!! Ask God to break your heart for what breaks His and make your heart beat as one with His. May we fight for these helpless ones!! May we not rest until they are protected!

"We need to get our priorities straight. We need to start living according to God's value system, rather than give our lives to the causes the world deems important." ~Leslie Ludy

Have you hopped on the "save-the-planet" bandwagon? God has bigger, more important battles for us to fight. This world is not our home (see Hebrews 11:13, 16 and 1 Peter 2:11.) Everything in this world is passing away, as it says in 1 Corinthians 7:31. All the whales and nature are temporal matters. Now, just to be clear, I am not saying we should be intentionally cruel or irresponsible, but we must get our priorities straight! The things of this world are passing away, yet the human souls are eternal! May we set our minds and hearts on eternal things! We are to set our mind on things above, not on earthly things. (see Colossians 3:2.)

"Nothing could ever matter to me again but the things that were eternal." ~Amy Carmichael

"I have no desire to see whales, or any other animals, harmed. But I also know that I am not called to give my life, time, and energy to the cause of whales, but to the cause of Christ." ~Leslie Ludy

"Of course, during the time we are temporarily on this earth, we should be considerate of what God has given us. There is no reason to trash and pollute the planet or disregard the lives of animals just because our citizenship is in Heaven. Christians who act this way are only living selfishly and failing to represent the nature of Christ." ~Leslie Ludy

God has given us stewardship over this earth and His creation and we are to take care of it. So, don't misquote me. However, may we keep things in perspective and always ask ourselves if we love creation or our Creator more. Are our hearts set on merely the here and now or eternity?

Jesus Himself gave His very life to rescue eternal souls.

"Paul said, 'For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified."'-1 Corinthians 2:2 If you make your life all about Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, your life will naturally be built around the right priorities. He will cause your burden for lost souls to be far greater than your burden for sick dolphins."  ~Leslie Ludy

I encourage you to listen to this message by Eric Ludy, called The Poison of Political Correctness. 

(be sure to pause the music at the bottom of this blog before watching)

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feelings & truth

On March 17th, the day we had Lily's 2nd Heavenly Birthday balloon release, I was at a party store, picking up the balloons. All the women around me were talking about how they are getting pink balloons for their baby shower, their daughter's baby shower, or a shower they were going to. One lady says, "everyone is having girls!" They proceed to talk about birth experiences, labor and the like. As if this wasn't enough to get me emotional, I see a young couple in front of me waiting in line with a little girl. It's always difficult to see little girls, but I didn't think too much about it...that was, until I noticed they were getting balloons blown up with a big number 2 on them. Yep, that's right, they were getting balloons for their little girl's 2nd earthly birthday party. I thought it was ironic that there I was, getting them for my little girl's 2nd Heavenly birthday balloon release. I felt like I wanted them to know how different our days were. To make sure they knew how blessed they are to have their sweet girl here. I mean, sure, I'll see a lot of little girls that are one or two. But, of all days and times to be in that store, I was there at the same time as them. Our daughters just may share their actual birthday. And even if not their actual day, they are born extremely close together. How different March 2010 was for me than for them. It was such a strange feeling to realize that my daughter would be big like that now! I am telling you, this little girl kept staring at me. It was weird to think Lily would be picking things up off the shelves and showing them to me.

Later that day, I saw neighbors in my friend's culdesac and heard a little girl crying but didn't pay much attention to it. When I was going back inside, two little girls (one maybe four or five and her little one-year old sister) were walking towards me. They were with their grandmother who said, "excuse me, my granddaughter thinks you are her mom and I'm trying to show her that you aren't." Gulp. That's why she had been screaming and crying from across the culdesac. Even when she got right by me, she still thought I was her mother! I will never forget the look of that little girl and how she was desperately reaching her arms out to me. It made me ache to know Lily never got to know me as her mother like that. It made me ache for a child that will reach for me, in a way that a child only reaches for her mother...except in this case when this kid seriously thinks I'm her mom! It was the strangest thing. And the grandmother said I don't even look anything like her daughter who has red hair...


Sigh. 

Or how about Target. I shopped in Target all the time when I was pregnant. There is one only about a mile from my house and I loved just going in there and looking around. I even registered for my baby shower there. So, in the months after first losing Lily, it was bittersweet to be in there. It felt like her store, and it will forever remind me of her. It's not as hard now as it once was, but there will be times where I'll be walking past the baby section and see all the spring clothes for little babies and I'll remember the spring when I was shopping there for my own little baby that I never got to bring home...the little baby that never got to wear any of those clothes. And the tears will come and it will feel so raw and fresh again.

These are the everyday moments that can be the hardest. The moments when nobody else realizes how difficult they are for me. The moments when I'm desperately aching for a child to hold, to raise on earth. The moments when I miss the little girl I had to let go of before I ever even got to know. But, in these moments, my King gently reminds me to give it to Him. He reminds me that I am not to be ruled by feelings and experiences. But truth. And the truth is that my God works all things together for His glory and my good. He desires what's best for me and the legacy of my child and I cling to that truth.


"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice." -Philippians 4:4


In the midst of the sorrow, I will rejoice in Him. In the midst of the laughter, I will rejoice in Him. Always. Forever. He is good, no matter what my circumstances or pain. No matter what I face, I am His. No matter where I am in life, He holds me. I will remind myself of all that He's done in my life and cling to the truth that He is my Rescuer and my Redeemer, my Healer and my Friend. My Beloved. I will lift my hands in faith. 


I will believe.

This is a song that has meant so much to me. I pray you are blessed by it today and that you look to the Savior, the one Who holds the world in His hands. No matter what you are facing, He is enough. 

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