Sunday, January 30, 2011

When was the moment?

The days have been a blur...

They flowed together and I've forgotten the emotions that in the moment were so raw. The feelings that cut so deep and I thought I'd never forget.

Yet, I've forgotten them until now. Until mom brings up the way it used to make it so hard to breathe when my mind would wonder how goes on. The moon still rises and the sun still sets...Shouldn't the whole world just stop? Mine has. How does the wind still blow? Doesn't it know you aren't here?...

Daily life continued...even when my whole world crumbled around me and my dreams were shattered. Even when I wanted to cry out with tears in my eyes and my arms outstretched to the heavens

God, can I please have her back?!

When I was in the midst of the suffering and in such shock, the days dragged on. There was a secret only I knew; how my body betrayed me, seeping milk out like tears, reminding me I'd never know this special bonding between mother and babe. Mind knew she was gone, but heart and flesh?

Heart and flesh begged that the truth was a lie. That I'd wake up from this awful nightmare.

Memories are no longer so distinct. Now it's months I think of, not days. When exactly did this happen?

When was the moment I stopped feeling like life should stop for everyone?

But, isn't that just like Him? How He moves and you don't even realize what He's done until you look back and say ahh, He was working!

He's healing my heart.

It still hurts, just in a different way. Though it may be a little more bearable now, I still miss her dreadfully. It hurts to know I'm getting farther away from her, from the last time I held her. From here, people will only forget her more. Life will keep marching on, even for me.

The more steps I take away from March 16th, 2010...the closer I am to reuniting with her in eternity.



  1. What a beautiful post. I will be glad when I get to that point but then again I am afraid. Each day is a constant struggle.

  2. Beautiful just Beautiful. Yes God is good and may he continue to heal your heart. ((HUGS))

  3. God's blessings and continued healing!
    Lily will not be forgotten not matter how much time passes; not by you and NOT by Him.


  4. Hannah,

    This post brought tears to my eyes, but it also reminded me that God DOES work through pain, even though it doesn't feel like it at the time.

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

    -Lady Rose


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