Sunday, February 6, 2011

Another February 6th

"Silence in the face of evil is itself evil. God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act." ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Two years ago today, all my wrong choices caught up with me in a way I couldn't escape, though I tried. 

February 6, 2009. 

Before that week, I never knew such pain was imaginable. The deepest parts of me were shaking, screaming. My soul was crying out for a Mighty Rescuer. Inside of me, I knew the gravity of what I was doing. I tried to run from those feelings that suffocated, but the tears were evidence of a heart broken. 

My heart was shattered. 

I drove to Planned Parenthood that Friday morning. It seems odd now that it's called Planned Parenthood, like I could somehow change the fact that I was already mothering a babe in my womb. The nausea I was feeling day and night was a constant reminder of this. I had never planned for this. I had never wanted a baby before marriage. I never thought I'd have to deal with such a thing.

Two of us entered that nineteen-year-old, selfish, sinful, broken self and my six-week-old child. Only one of us was able to voice what we wanted. Only one of us made it out alive. 

I lost my first child to an abortion. 

I took what was God's and decided I knew what was best. A loss I'll live with the rest of my life. I have nothing tangible to grieve this loss. No pictures, no momentos like I have for Lily. Sometimes I want to call Planned Parenthood and tell them to give me the ultrasound picture of my baby. I want the proof that he existed, that he was real, that he was my first child, flesh of my flesh

My mind often goes back to that place, that place that's hard to go. There's healing there now. But, the what if's will remain. What would my baby be like today if I had chosen LIFE? Would my baby be a boy or a girl? Something in me tells me a boy. Just as I knew Lily was a girl before anyone ever told me. Somehow you just know. 

This gift of life...we all take it for granted because it's a given, we all have it. But, what if someone took your life before it ever truly began? What if someone screamed so loud they wanted their way that your silent scream, your plead for a chance to live and be loved was smothered out?

Ever thought of it like that?

For this child, my child. And for all the other helpless, innocent ones may we...

Be the voice that can't be heard. Their silence is a voice in itself, speaking volumes if only we'd listen. It tells of the lives that never got to be, but were.

They were.

And even if you explain it away, these are souls, not just bodies. And they need a voice. And HE is that voice. And HE is to give me that voice.

My mind wonders to thoughts of a child, gasping for every breath, but with lungs too frail to survive. I see the fight in his eyes, the desperation of his sweet spirit. And I know his own mother chose that.

That her own child would suffer. And die.

I'm hooked. One thought of these helpless lives, and a warrior rises up in me.

My heart bleeds for each of these silent ones. I will not remain silent. I will be a voice. Their voice. And I will tell the world of this.



  1. Hey, Thanks for visiting my blog and reading my testimony. Love the quote by Amy Carmicheal (wrote about her on my blog).

  2. I love you. I thank you a million times over for sharing this raw story.

    *hugs* my dear friend.

  3. I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't.
    -Audre Lorde

  4. Hannah, you write so honestly and beautifully. One can't help but pay attention to what you have to say. Thank you for sharing your story. I have no doubt God will use your words and your testimony to touch many uncertain mothers and save many innocent, precious babies. Hugs to you. - Nina :)

  5. Beautiful princess, daughter of our King, beloved and sought after, forgiven little girl upon the knee of her heavenly father... a woman can find it impossible to believe that God can see her beyond the worst day of her life, because she can't forgive herself, or let go of the regret and pain of that day. It's important to save a baby... and it's important to save that daughter, that princess, who has lost the ability to feel she is redeemable.

    She is loved as much as that baby, and held in the heart of our King, He reaches out for his heartbroken daughter, longing to comfort and redeem and set her free.

  6. I've been reading your story and it brings tears to my eyes.You have an amazing testimony and I know God is going to use it to help many more girls out there. I have two friends that became pregnant out of wedlock. One ended in abortion, and the other baby's heart stopped beating at six months. I know the emotional toll it has taken upon my two friends and I hope to share your encouraging story with them. Thank you for so graciously sharing your heart with us!<3

    God bless,


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