I have written several times over the past almost 4 years now (you can see those posts by clicking HERE) about how I am making a scrapbook for Lily (which has now turned into two scrapbooks). One scrapbook documents my pregnancy and the time Lily was here on Earth and the other documents her birthday, memorial service, etc.
Since last week, I am again working towards completing both scrapbooks. My goal is to have them both done by Lily's 4th birthday on March 16. I can't believe it has taken me so long. I feel the need to finish telling her story in this way. I want to be able to look at the scrapbooks myself and share them with others.
I have been spending hours thinking about what to include, googling ideas, going through photos, editing those photos, getting scrapbook supplies and coupons for those supplies, picking out the perfect background paper and stickers, figuring out how to structure the pages... it is quite a time-consuming process. And it is proving to be an emotional process for me. However, it is truly healing and special to be able to do something for my girl... to be able to tell her story in another way.
I am first working on finishing my pregnancy scrapbook. I want this one to be a book that is only happy, a book that celebrates the fact that she lived. I want it to be like any other pregnancy scrapbook you'd see. The other scrapbook has a more somber feel. But, both make up Lily's story and both need to be told.
I was thinking about why over the years I would get really into scrapbooking and wanting to finish and then I would stop for months... but it was always on my to-do list of things I needed to do. I have realized that in some ways, I am a perfectionist. But mostly only when it comes to Lily. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough... I don't want to look back on the scrapbooks I make and wish I could change them because they don't seem good enough. That is exactly what I feared when designing Lily's memorial headstone. That eventually I would get sick of it and think it's not good enough for her. That I didn't do the best I could do in the only way I know how to be a mother. I have already decided to re-do a few of the pages I did a couple years ago... they just didn't seem quite right. I hope I don't keep wanting to re-do over and over. But, I am willing to do whatever it takes to make these scrapbooks perfect for Lily... not perfect in that everything is cut perfect or proportioned just right. I have come to accept that I am not a perfect person, so these things won't be perfect. But, that is okay because there is beauty in imperfection. There is beauty in the fact that I am an imperfect person, an imperfect mother, just trying to do something for my girl. I want them to be perfect in the way it documents her life... I want people to see it and smile when they see what a beautiful little girl I had. I want people to celebrate my pregnancy and all those months I carried her. I want people to rejoice that Lily lived and that she is in Heaven right now... that's what will make these scrapbooks perfect.
I have also come to realize that nothing I ever do will ever feel "good enough." Because what I really want is to be a mother to a living child... living Lily. But, that will never happen on Earth. I hope and pray that I do have more children one day...
And when that day comes, I will have two beautiful scrapbooks to help tell them the story of their big sister Lily Katherine.
When I am finished my scrapbooks, I will share photos here... I will also give ideas and inspiration for those wanting to create their own pregnancy/babyloss scrapbooks.
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