On Romance and Relationships

Do you want to know an incredibly freeing thought TRUTH? Nothing I do and say or don't do and say is going to impress a man and make him fall in love with me. It is out of my hands. I have no control over it.

Some people might think that is actually quite frightening, rather than comforting.... but you see, I know that when God does bring someone into my life, it'll be right. It'll be in His perfect time and way. It's comforting to know that I don't have to cause a man's heart to be stirred towards me. The God who created me and has called me to my purpose is capable of awakening our hearts to one another.

I have prayed and asked the Lord to only allow one man, the man He has for me, to pursue me. Because I don't want to mess around. I don't want anyone's heart to be wounded. There is no time for games in such a serious matter. I can trust that when it's time, God will show this man. He will show him that I'm "the one" and that it's time to pursue me and how to pursue me. I don't have to and don't want to manipulate it in any fashion.

This man will love me because the God of love will give him HIS love for me. I don't ever have to pretend to be someone I'm not. And not only that, this man will not be intimidated by my ministry and calling. He will support me in it and will pray with and for me. I have struggled with thinking how could a man fall in love with me knowing about my past before he even gets to know me? Because there is so much more to me and it's difficult thinking he'll know the most raw and vulnerable parts of me before he even knows me. Not every man would want to pursue things with a woman with a "past," and someone who is so public about her story. But the man who God has for me will have grace. I wouldn't want a man who isn't Christ-like. The fact is, the man I marry will never even know who I once was, and a man who doesn't recognize that, I have no desire for anyways. The man I marry will love Lily... and Luke too. And he will see the beauty of redemption and the work of Christ in my life. He will see that I'm not a depressed person with all sorts of baggage.

As a friend of mine recently said to me, I can be faithful in sharing my story when God opens the doors and can have complete rest and freedom trusting that God is in control. When something does happen with a man, it'll so clearly be Jesus scripting the story. I have prayed that it will so evidently be HIM when and if it does happen and that my love story will be a reflection of the gospel.

There are well-intentioned people in my life who I know want the best for me. They feel sorry for me because I'm not married yet. Please don't feel sorry for me. If I were meant to be married right now, I would be. God holds my life and future in His hands. I trust Him and that He knows best for my life in the area of romance. Because you know what? In the past, I have made really stupid choices in the area of guys. Those guys were never meant to be my husband. I don't trust my own judgment in this area. I know that God will give me peace when the right person does come along, the one HE has chosen for me.

You might think it's irrational, unproductive, silly, naive, and maybe even a little stupid that I'm not "out there" trying to snag a husband. I'm not on any online dating website, I'm not in any singles groups, and I really don't want anyone to set me up with their friend, son, grandson, etc. Because the God who created romance and marriage is far more capable of finding a man for me than I am or anyone else. After all, He created him and me. And the man who will compliment me, and I him, is out there.... if marriage is what God has for me. How will a God-written love story look? I have no idea. Each love story is different, showing the creativity of the Lord.

A young woman named Krissy was asked as the years were passing by and no prospect of a man was in her life if she was called to a life of singleness. She thoughtfully responded, "today I am." Today, I know I am called to singleness. Will that be forever, I don't know. I hope not. But I also know that what God has for me, whatever it is, is best. And I wouldn't want marriage if it isn't His plan. I would rather be single forever than married to the wrong man. The kind of man that loves Jesus with his entire life and will be the right person for me is worth waiting for.

Even if time keeps passing and it appears as if nothing is happening, I know my God is working and is in control. And no matter the pressure, how it appears there are no guys in this generation that are single and worth waiting for, or the Lord's seeming distance in this area, I choose to trust. I want my life and love story to be proof to those in my life and to this world that God does care about every intimate detail of our lives... and that He does script beautiful love stories to this day.

For more on the topic of honoring God in this area, check out the book, "When God Writes Your Love Story," by Eric and Leslie Ludy. Also, check out the movie, "Princess Cut."

Here are a few of my favorite songs from Eric and Leslie Ludy:

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Surrendering

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, which as we all know, is all about love. It can be really lonely and painful to be single, especially on "romantic days" like Valentine's. I get it, I'm single.

I want to share this really encouraging poem that my friend Karen shared with me, in hopes that it will bless others as well, whether you are waiting for marriage and children, or whatever it may be.

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,
“Child, you must wait.”
“Wait? You say, wait!” my indignant reply.
“LORD, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.
“My future, and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?
I’m needing a ‘Yes,’ a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘No’ to which I can resign.
“And LORD, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And, LORD, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
‘I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!”
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, “So I’m waiting…for what?”
He seemed, then, to kneel
And His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
“All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want-
But, you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You’d not know the power I give to the faint;
“You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust by knowing I’m there;
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me;
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
“You’d never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descend like a dove;
You’d know that I give and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
“The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.
“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that, “My grace is sufficient for thee.”
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss if I lost what I’m doing in you!
“So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, ‘Wait.'”
-Russell Keller

I pray that God will use my singleness for His glory. Those of us who are single have an opportunity to encourage other people who are also single in a way that those who are married do not.

How many times have you heard someone who was married at 18 tell you to have patience and trust God, etc.? Not that what they are saying is wrong, but their words don't have the same weight as someone who is single speaking about finding complete fulfillment and contentment in Christ, even through years of being single.

Don't wait to get married before feeling "complete" or before "doing something" for Christ. We who are single have an opportunity to serve Him with our entire lives in a way that married people do not and in a way we will not be able to once we are married. I pray we use this time in our lives to pursue Him wholeheartedly and serve Him in a way that we won't regret not doing once married.

If you are single, God has you in this place for a reason. Whether He ever brings someone into your life or not, are you willing to trust Him? Are you okay with it, even if He's asking you to be single for another decade, or even forever? Do you trust that He knows what's best for your life and has a plan and purpose in everything?

My desire for marriage and more *living* children has been one of the most painful things to surrender to the Lord in my life. But, the truth is, He doesn't "owe" me anything. I am not guaranteed marriage and the joy that comes with having a family of my own.

It bothers me when people assure me that I will get married and I will find the right guy. I know these people mean well, but the fact of the matter is, only God knows that. And you might want to encourage people with these words, but before saying to someone who is single that they are guaranteed love and marriage, consider instead encouraging them to surrender this area to God and to trust that whether His plan for their life is singleness or marriage, He is good and He knows best. That doesn't mean it won't be painful.

I can honestly say that I would rather be single than married to someone who I settled for. I have had relationships in the past where I could have gotten married has I so chosen to, but I am so thankful that the Lord kept me from choosing that path. And though it is painful and very lonely at times to wait for a man that I don't even know if he exists, I would rather honor the Lord and my future *hoped for* husband than give my heart away to guys who were never meant to have my heart.

I have made mistakes in my path

I struggle at times wondering why God has not brought me my husband yet. I will be 26 this year and always pictured myself getting married very young, late teens or early twenties. I never imagined I'd still be single at this age. I also never imagined that after having Lily I would still not have another child five years later.

Despite my unanswered questions and the pain of waiting, God is doing something. He is cultivating a deep love within me for a man that I have possibly never  met, or at least I don't know that I've met him.

I want to share a few of my favorite resources that have been a blessing to me as a single woman:

-When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy

-The Path of Loneliness by Elisabeth Elliot

Two of my favorite blogs are Desiring God and The Gospel Coalition. They post quite frequently on living single and sexual purity/healing, so I highly recommend checking them out.

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