Thursday, August 5, 2010

Michael's

As I've mentioned before, I'm working on my scrapbook for Lily...it's coming along quite nicely. I'm just about done with the hospital pages, and have now begun working on the baby shower pages. (pictures soon.) Anyways, yesterday, I went to pick up some more scrapbook supplies at Michael's. It's extremely difficult to go into that store because I went in there numerous times when I was pregnant with Lily. Every now and then, I get into a crafty-mood and end up making a trip there several times a week. Like, when I had my baby shower, I made homemade invitations, and I kept going back to get more supplies to make the invites just perfect. I spent hours on those invitations. And I ended up keeping two of them for myself, one of each style that I made. They are safely tucked away in my memory chest now. The shower was on February 13, so the theme was around Valentine's Day. Lots of pink, hearts, and chocolate. 

So, yesterday, I'm in Michael's, one of the stores that reminds me most of Lily and my baby shower. And I'm looking for stickers to create the perfect pages to forever document this special day in my life. It has to be perfect. After all, there won't be anymore times where people get together and it's all about Lily. I mean, maybe I'll have a "party" to celebrate her life on her birthdays, but it wont be only full of joy like this day was. I'm just standing there in front of all the scrapbook stickers and the sign hangs overhead, "baby." Why can't there be a section that says, "for your dead baby." I'm having a hard time finding stickers that are appropriate for this scrapbook. I mean, how many people have to make a scrapbook for their dead baby? I'm looking through all the stickers to make sure I find just the right ones and I don't want to miss any. I did end up finding a couple of good packs that will work. I love scrapbooking, I love looking at all the cute little stickers. And I loved looking at them while I was pregnant and dreaming of the day I would go in there and pick out stickers like "potty-training, first tooth, first birthday, coming home from the hospital, second birthday, third birthday..." You get the point. And just because my baby died doesn't mean those stickers aren't there anymore. It doesn't mean other women aren't giving birth to healthy babies. It doesn't mean they won't want to make a scrapbook to document these things. But, I wish I didn't have to see them! Some of the packs of stickers had things that I want for my scrapbook, but I can't use the whole pack because my baby is not alive. I just wish they would stop making these stickers until I have another baby to make a scrapbook for. That sounds so silly, I know. '



So, I'm just standing there. Kind of staring off into space a little bit, not really paying too much attention to what I'm doing. And I'm looking at these packs of stickers, one by one. And wishing that I had the need to buy them. And then I see a young couple, with a baby. And then I started to cry. And I didn't want anyone to ask me what was wrong because I didn't want to have to say, 'oh, it's just hard because I'm trying to pick stuff out to make my stillborn baby a special memorial scrapbook.' So, I'm facing the wall so no one will see and I'm crying over these stickers. I'm crying over what these stickers represent. The life that she never got to live. The firsts that she never got to experience and I never got to experience with her. The teeth that never came in. The potty-training that never got to happen. The first birthday cake that never got to be baked. The steps that were never taken. The playgrounds that one little girl never got to play on. The love that never got to be shared between a mother and her daughter.

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This post left me:

20 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. It is so hard, the deaths of our children are not just the death of their person, but the death of all our hopes and dreams for them...the life we all imagine they would live. The grandchildren that won't come...

    I have been there and as I learn from my grief ~ I will still have the breath knocked out of me whenever a new realization of "what isn't going to be" for Amelia occurs.

    I will be thinking of you every time I go to Michael's and Joann's...those places are hard to be.

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  2. (((hugs))) I am addicted to michaels as well and I love to do this too...I have so many things i keep "saving" to add to her scrap books. I keep thinking, ok at one point i will start this scrap book. I have one that was hand made for me at my shower. its a tradition me, my sister and cousin would do for our weddings etc. Well I have a scrap book to "finish" with all her first already lined up, halloween was a big one as it was the day i found out she was a girl. The year before it was the day that my husband finally said he wanted to start out own family...so i cant bring myself to look at that book. I need a different "book" like you, one with stickers that will make sense, one with pages that will make sense...maybe there is something to your post, maybe you can invent BL stickers or something..I would def buy them!!!

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  3. Weird. My little experience with flowers for Lilly's grave happened in Michael's too. :( I think the store had it out for us BLM's yesterday. So sorry that you are hurting.

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  4. oh, sweetie, i so get it. lily knows how much you love her, but it SUCKS that you and she won't get to share that love in person, every day for her long life.

    {{hugs}}

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  5. Maybe one day you can create these stickers. There is a market for it, small as it maybe. You could simply sell them for cost, as a ministry of sorts.

    (HUG)

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  6. There is no doubt, your lovely little flower knows how much you love her, my darling flower! She experienced your amazing, sacrificial love for forty entire weeks plus two extra days! :)

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  7. I know EXACTLY what you mean Hannah...I'm in Michaels at LEAST 2 or 3 times a week :( I LOVE that store and doing crafty things but it's VERY hard when I pass by the scrapbook sticker section and see all things baby :( I was looking for some ribbon the other day and it's right by the baby shower things and I thought I was going to have a breakdown :(

    ...and I think that's a GREAT idea (creating BL stickers) I would definitely buy them as well!

    (((HUGS))) to you Hannah and thinking of your precious Lily

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  8. What is it about Michaels? I had a breakdown in there too one day. I wish we could put life at a standstill but that isn't fair. I would love to see a section just for situations like our's but unfornately stories like our's aren't happy so people refrain from making it known. I hope you have better days ahead, can't wait to see pictures of your book, it sound beautiful.

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  9. Oh, you know how much thinking about you there crying hurts my heart!!! I wish I could come give you a big hug!!!!!
    xoxoxoxo

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  10. Sweet Hannah...I am so sorry for all that you are missing. Many times I have stood in the store aisle feeling the ache of all that is missing...feeling the longing for what should have been. I hope you don't mind the short notice, but I've decided to feature you on this week's Walking With You blog feature. I'm working on the post now.

    Love and prayers,
    Kelly

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  11. Ahh, Michael's. I also love to scrapbook, but I feel like I don't have a right to be looking at the baby sections. But like you, I had looked at the special stickers to mark all of those milestones. Sometimes it's the littlest things that catch us offguard.

    I've taken a break from scrapbooking the last few months and have been knitting. The yarn section of Michael's is a little better. :)

    Hoping that the next time you venture to the craft store is just a bit easier. Thinking of you.

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  12. (((Hannah))) But that love IS shared between mother and daughter. It is just in a different way. xoxo

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  13. I understand, it still frustrates me sometimes because it is a reminder of all that is missing. I did not send out a birth announcement for Ethan, but really wanted to do a memory card for his first birthday. I ended up making my own because I was so tired of looking and finding ones that didn't fit. Keep at it, I'm sure you will find the perfect stickers and such!

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  14. Sending you lots of {{HUGS}}
    Sorry that you are hurting , Thinking of you so much.

    Caroline

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  15. Boy have I been in that same exact situation! I know how awful and lonely you felt in that moment. I have all of my babies things and want to make a scrapbook as well but this very issue has stopped me from continuing each time. I would love to see the finished product when you get it all done! Maybe I'll find a bit of inspiration through Lily's. (((HUGS)))
    P.S. I found your blog through Desiree's page.

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  16. I to am trying to create a scrapbook for my daughter and have faced the same thing. I did find some online that are for baby loss. http://www.pregnancylossribbons.com/scrapbookyourbaby.htm

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  17. Hannah I just started reading your blog. You write beautiful.
    I also use to love Michael’s until one day I was there with my husband and our 2yo. We walked down the scrapbook aisle and my daughter picked up an 'I {heart} my sister' sticker. Her sister died in January at 36 weeks. I have a hard time going back.
    I admire your strength to scrapbook. I’m sure it will be beautiful.

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  18. I remember when I was making Carleigh's scrapbooks that I wished they had stickers and such for situations like ours. I know there are things you can get on the internet like papers and stickers. Then I was thinking they should have stuff for funerals too.

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  19. I have definitely found myself crying like that in a store. They should definitely have more of a selection for our situation. I am glad to hear that your scrap book is coming along nicely. I have yet to start mine.

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