Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Changes

Fall is almost here again and reminding me of this time last year when all those changes were taking place in my heart and life. My heart was opening up to a whole new world...the world of motherhood. This very day last year, I called my mom and told her I was pregnant. She was so excited. We talked for hours on the phone, laughing, crying, and planning for the days to come. Joy filled me up to the brim because I was making room for a new life in my life. A baby that I didn't yet know the gender of. But, somehow, in my heart I always knew. I always knew she was Lily. As surely as the changing of the seasons come, my life is changing once again. Change is really difficult for me. It means saying goodbye to someone you love. A season of life that you love. It means your left only with the memories of that time or that person. I always feel down this time of year, despite how much I enjoy sweater weather, pumpkin spiced lattes, and brightly colored leaves. But, after the fall, comes the winter. And in the winter, all the plants lose their leaves, their color, their life. And it's cold outside. And despite how much I enjoy being tucked in by a fire, with a hot cup of mocoa cocoa, listening to Christmas carols, I still have a hard time dealing with change. Change means things are no longer as they were. It's as if the things that were are no longer valued or cherished when they can be pushed aside...when life marches on. Yet, I know this isn't so. My life does march on. The leaves do change colors. The leaves will fall. The winter will come. It's inevitable. I will be reminded of last year, spending hours sitting on the floor making Christmas cards, with a 6 month pregnant belly. But, this year won't be the change that I was anticipating. I won't have her. I'm sick of dealing with all these changes. I never know what's to come. Each year of my life seems so much different than the last. My brothers left yesterday to truck-drive across the country, as a team. They will be gone for weeks at a time. It makes me so sad to think nothing is as it was. And what does the next season of my life hold? It feels like everyone is having all these great things happen to them. Everywhere I turn, someone just had a baby, got engaged, got married, or just found out they were pregnant...But, what about me? What good is happening for me? It's hard not to feel jealous. All I know is the one thing that remains. The one thing that never changes is my God. He is faithful always. The seasons may change, circumstances change, life marches on...but my God is the same yesterday, today, and forever...as is my love for Lily.

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This post left me:

9 comments:

  1. Do you have Steven Curtis Chapman's cd Beauty Will Rise? If not, you need to get it. Particularly listen to the song "Spring Is Coming"...

    We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground
    The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown
    Now the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stone
    And silently seed rise beneath ice and snow

    And my heart's heavy now
    But I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells me

    Spring is coming, Spring is coming
    And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear
    Spring is coming, Spring is coming
    It won't be long now, it's just about here

    Hear the birds start to sing
    Feel the life in the breeze
    Watch the ice melt away
    The kids are coming out to play

    Feel the sun on your skin
    Growing strong and warm again
    Watch the ground: there's something moving
    Something is breaking through

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  2. "The one thing that never changes is my God. He is faithful always. The seasons may change, circumstances change, life marches on...but my God is the same yesterday, today, and forever...as is my love for Lily."

    Amen to that! ((HUGS)) you are a blessing to me!

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  3. I'm not a fan of change...or this time of year. A lot of memories swirl around as the September winds blow in each year. I, too, am so grateful that God and His love never change. We can rest in that truth.

    Love and Prayers...

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  4. I've missed you, sweet girl! As always, praying for you and the things in your life...keeping you close to my heart as I lift you up!
    xoxo

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  5. It can be hard not to feel jealous when you feel like the whole world is moving forward but you're standing still.

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  6. love you hannah rose!! so glad to see you back in the blogging community.
    i too hate change...
    i'm thinking about you, and praying for you.

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  7. Hi Hannah, first thank you for your beautiful comment on my blog about my Faces of Loss story...its so hard to open up that deep pain and to others but by the same token, I am so blessed that it has introduced me to other Angel Mommies like you! I cant believe we both have March babies... it physically hurts all over again when I read about another loss of such a special baby! I hope we can heal together on this long journey we now have to face! *hugs!*

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  8. Death reveals that the world is not as it should be but that it stands in need of redemption. Christ alone is the conquering of death. ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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