Tuesday, July 12, 2011

One of those days

Today was one of those days.

One of those days that catches me off guard and suddenly it's hard to breathe, hard to think, as I yet again take in this reality that she is gone forever and I will never again, not once, hold her on this side of Heaven.

And I never know when it's going to hit me. I'll be going along fine for several days...weeks. Then, suddenly, I am choking back the tears and my throat is all scratchy and every bit of me misses her. This heart that is a mother's heart misses the soul that made me a mother.

We dance through life, this sacred dance of grief and joy. And one minute we're laughing and full of life, and the next, grieving and crying...yet, each moment, we live on love. We cling to His love.

And those moments where it's hardest to live without her, like when mom says "Not many people even know I'm a grandmother," and my heart breaks because I know she already is. And I don't know when she'll be a grandmother to a baby she gets to see grow, though it's what she longs for more than anything...It's in those moments that I remember who He is and what He's brought me through. I remember that she is with Him...

And my heart and mind play and replay what life might be like with a 16-month old. Yet, I barely know what to imagine. Imagine...I must imagine what my own child would look like. Would she be a tiny peanut, or a chubby thing? Would she be spunky and adventurous or calm and subdued? How different might my world look today if she were here? So many things I will never know. I cling to the memories of her...the most precious memories I will ever have. Until one sweet day...one sweet day.

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This post left me:

2 comments:

  1. The heart that made you a mother still beats within yours, sweet Hannah. And oh the hearts you'll help with your story of redemption. It beats with every beat of your own.
    One sweet day :) I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Barely am I able to breathe yet again as I think of our precious little flower who is missing in our midst. My arms ache for her!

    ReplyDelete

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