Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas without her...

It's Christmas 2011...I sit here thinking of all that could have been if she were here. I remember how I felt when I wrote her a letter, asking what things would be like when all her firsts came

My, how time has passed. This would already be her second Christmas. She would nearly be two years old...

All these things I wonder...

What might she have wanted for Christmas? Would she have liked listening to Christmas carols? Would her whole face smile when I sang them to her and would she clap her little hands along? Would she have been chatting away excitedly and we barely understanding what she's saying but we're happy that she's happy? 

Would she be a little rascal, getting into the decorations? Would she have loved her uncles and squealed with delight when she saw them, jumping up on their laps for cuddles and hugs? What outfit would we have chosen for her Christmas pictures? What would she call everyone? How would her giggle sound? 

This time of year is especially hard without her here. This time of year that is my favorite time of year...a time which revolves around family and cherishing those closest to you. And I am here in Virginia, with only a cemetery to visit. No little girl to hold in my arms and hang Christmas decorations with. No little girl to read about Jesus and how He came to earth to save us all. But, oh what joy is found in knowing she's with the One who this is all about...

Christmas in Heaven
by Wanda White

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES
around the world below with tiny lights like
HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.
he sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS
that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare
with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR
or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT
as I tell him of your love
 as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL
and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
and I’m walking WITH THE KING

I found this in my pregnancy journal...

Christmas Day 2009

There is something so special about this day every year. For the rest of my life, I will have Lily with me at Christmas. Wow...that's crazy to think about. 

Somehow the excitement I felt as a child at Christmas seems to be coming back. Except it's going to be even better. Because now I'm going to be excited for my own child. I think about how much life has changed since last Christmas, how fast the time has passed, and how much I've changed. Next year, life will be even more different. My baby will be here. I am thrilled for her first Christmas. Even though she'll be so young, I'm still going to make it very special and memorable. I'm going to make a beautiful stocking that she can use all through the years, like the purple stocking my Bumma made me. I'm going to wrap her gifts and try to help her tiny, precious hands unwrap them. I want to take lots of pictures and videos all through the year to document Lily's life.

I want to make a Christmas ornament for Lily every year. I actually just got a really good idea...I can make one for this year, since it's technically her first year, alive inside me. I can make it with her ultrasound picture and something that says "It's a Girl!" Then next year, I can make one with her tiny pink footprints. How precious that will be! We actually already have two ornaments this year for Lily. On the day I first got an ultrasound (September 21st) I got a little snow globe ornament from J.C. Penny. It says "Lily" on it. Also, last week at Michael's, we got a really cute purple baby carriage ornament. It was on sale and just way to adorable to pass up.

Anyways, I'm sitting here on the green chair in the living room. The only light is from a dim lamp in the kitchen and the lovely white lights on our perfectly proportioned tree. I'm listening to a beautiful Christmas song. I want Lily to know how to play an instrument from a young age. I want her to acquire a love for playing, a love for music.

I wonder what the Christmases in years to come will hold with my little girl...

Ahh, if only I had known this would be her only Christmas with me. I do plan on continuing to get an ornament for Lily each year. My friend Tracey gave me one last year and this year in honor of Lily. That means so much to me...



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