Monday, May 20, 2013

A Springtime Visit

I took a spontaneous trip to Virginia last week from Thursday through Saturday, mainly to see my grandmother and of course to visit Lily's "special spot." I hadn't been there for half a year. Last I was there was around Thanksgiving time and I decorated for Christmas. Now Christmas, New Years, Lily's birthday and Mother's Day have all come and gone since last I visited. I really needed to be there...

The view from the Cemetery

My friend, Elise, decorates Lily's spot for me when I can't be there, which I am thankful for. But, that is not the same as going myself. With all my heart, I wish I lived closer to these sacred grounds. Not only do I love and miss Virginia because it is my hometown and my grandmother (and other family and friends) live there, but now that my daughter is buried there, a big piece of my heart will always remain in Virginia. The mountains are home to me. My soul quiets when I am surrounded by those gorgeous Blue Ridge Mountains and the rolling Virginia hills. I can't explain how full of peace I feel when I am there...

I wish I could go to Lily's spot whenever I want or need to. I wish I could tidy it up and keep it always looking beautiful. I wish I could visit on each holiday and every other day when my heart is aching for my daughter. I wish I knew exactly how it looked and could make sure the flag isn't off the stand (like it was when I first got there), weeds aren't growing wildly, and things are perfect, for my girl and for any visitors she may have. I wish I could take flowers often, rather than just a couple times a year. I wish I didn't have to be in a cemetery to feel close to my child. I mean, I know Lily isn't really there and she is safe at Home with Jesus, but every mother loves her baby's tiny, precious body. I am no different...I am thankful that I live close enough to visit regularly.

I had a short time there on Thursday when we first arrived, but it was pouring so I couldn't stay long. Then, we were so busy on Friday since it was our only full day there, so I didn't even make it to the cemetery, which made me feel guilty. :( I woke up extra early on Saturday before we had to leave so I could have some alone time at her spot. I stopped on the way and picked up some pretty pink calla lilies for my Lily. It was a beautiful, chilly morning. There was a light drizzle, but not too much to keep me from decorating and pulling weeds (I really wish they better-maintained the grass there). The fog matched the heaviness in my heart. It took me a while to get everything just as I wanted it to be, and then I sat on the bench and listened to "Who You'd Be Today" a few times. Then, I read my Bible. It's nice to just sit be still. I was soaking it up until the next time I can go again.

Sometimes, I wish Lily was buried here in Raleigh so I could visit her spot whenever I want. It would be better in the short-term, but I don't know about how I'd feel twenty years from now. I know I will always have ties to Virginia, but I don't know about North Carolina. I just have to remember I did the best I knew to do at the time and made the best decisions I knew how to make.

I have no idea when I will get back up to Virginia to decorate again, but at least I know for now it looks beautiful. Hopefully next time I go Lily's headstone will be ready to be installed!

Lily's spot with the mountains in the background

The lilies I left for my Lily, as well as the little lamb I took for her spot

Lily's spot and my grandparent's/aunt's memorial bench. If you are ever in
Virginia and want to stop for a visit, that would be so special. :) It is easy
to find her spot because it is a small cemetery (Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet,  VA)
and her spot is the most colorful! Can't you tell by this photo?

I think it looks lovely, all decorated for spring. I love
the pink and green. Isn't the butterfly so pretty? :)



  1. Hannah, I think it is Beautiful. You can really tell you took the time yo decorate her spot. Just Gorgeous. I hope you get back up there sometime soon.

  2. Lily has such a beautiful spot! I know exactly what you mean about not being able to visit too much. It is so tough even though you know they are physically not there. Hugs to you my sweet friend :)


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