The Priceless Treasure of a Photo

You don't have to look far to be bombarded by gory scenes of violence and death. In fact, take a peek online at the movies currently showing at your local theater and you'll see that Americans find entertainment in and are willing to spend large sums of money to watch these things unfold on the big screen. Sadly, even little children are exposed from a young age.

That's why it makes me angry that modern culture no longer finds violence and gore inappropriate or upsetting, yet finds a picture of a beautiful and perfect baby, who is no longer alive, disturbing and grotesque. Can you see the irony here too? How is it more offensive to see a precious child, with darkened lips and closed eyes, than it is to see violent movies or horror films?

Do you realize for a family whose baby was stillborn that those are the ONLY pictures they will EVER have of their beloved child, when they dreamed of a lifetime of photos and memories? Do you realize they love their child just as much as you love yours? And just because their baby was born dead does not mean they aren't proud to be their mother or father and that they don't want to share them with others. Can you not try to grasp for one minute what it would be like if this happened to you?

I have been open with sharing photos of my daughter Lily Katherine, who was stillborn at 40 weeks 2 days gestation on March 16, 2010. Many people remark how perfect and truly beautiful she was. Yet, there have been those through the years who have said some cruel things. She is not some nightmarish freak. Her pictures capture how lovely she was, perfectly formed and real. She isn't scary or disturbing. Yes, I realize that some of the photos show crimson lips... but besides that, she looks like a sleeping child. And if crimson lips are the most disturbing thing ever to you, you have GOT to be KIDDING me.

I have been hurt in the past by the harsh things people have said about Lily/her photos and about the fact that I choose to publicly share them. Why don't they see her the way I do? Should I have been more private with her photos? Should I have protected her memory from those that will only mock it and not recognize her beauty?

NO - I will share, I must share. Because I believe it shows honor to Lily by not being afraid to share her with others. It shows the sanctity of unborn life, even those who don't live outside the womb. They don't magically become babies once they are born alive and healthy. She had eyebrows, eyelashes, fingernails (details that I can only remember through the photos I am beyond grateful to have)... everything that makes a baby look like a baby. Only she was asleep to this world. I want to be brave in sharing her photos and her story so others who have been through something similar feel like they can do the same. A child who was stillborn has beautiful photos, for those of us who were blessed enough to get any. When people are walking through the experience of losing a baby, in the midst of it, many people cannot comprehend how precious those photos will one day become. They think it's morbid to even think about capturing photos of death/the saddest day of their lives.

But as a NILMDTS volunteer photographer, Vicki Zoller, wrote, "We don't photograph death... We capture love." For those who aren't familiar, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep offers free professional portraiture photography to those who have lost/are expected to lose their precious baby. It is not unusual or unhealthy to desire photos of a stillborn baby or to desire to share those photos.

If there is one regretful wish I hear over and over from other parents I know who lost babies, it is that they wish they had taken more/better pictures... some wish they had taken one single photo. Only those of us who have walked this road understand how valuable those pictures are. They capture a moment in time that we'll never be able to experience again. They capture the very real child we held and love, but unimaginably had to bury.

In the 19th century, post-mortem photography was common. According to the NILMDTS Facebook page, "Post-mortem photography is termed the practice of photographing the recently deceased. This type of photography was very common in the nineteenth century when death occurred in the home. Photography was new and expensive. Childhood mortality rates were extremely high in the Victorian era. It was common practice to make the 'subject' look alive or appear to be sleeping. These photographs served as keepsakes to remember a loved one, and especially with infants and young children, was the only documentation of this child into a family and possibly the only photograph the family ever had. Post-mortem photography flourished in the early decades among those desperate to capture an image of a deceased loved one. It was better to have a photograph, than have no photograph at all."

It is better to have the photographs I have of Lily than to only have my unreliable memory to reference. With photographs, I don't have to question the things my mind could easily forget. I have the assurance that she was truly real when I look at her sweet face in her pictures.

As a society, these photos don't have to be seen as creepy if we don't allow them to be.

Be brave, sweet mothers and fathers of babies who've been lost. There are many of us who feel honored to see photos of your baby. And to those who don't get it and don't want to, please keep your thoughts to yourselves and allow the only photos we'll ever have of our babies to be freely and proudly shared with whomever we wish.

Here is my beautiful and perfect daughter, Lily Katherine....

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The Priceless Treasure of a Photo

You don't have to look far to be bombarded by gory scenes of violence and death. In fact, take a peek online at the movies currently showing at your local theater and you'll see that Americans find entertainment in and are willing to spend large sums of money to watch these things unfold on the big screen. Sadly, even little children are exposed from a young age.

That's why it makes me angry that modern culture no longer finds violence and gore inappropriate or upsetting, yet finds a picture of a beautiful and perfect baby, who is no longer alive, disturbing and grotesque. Can you see the irony here too? How is it more offensive to see a precious child, with darkened lips and closed eyes, than it is to see violent movies or horror films?

Do you realize for a family whose baby was stillborn that those are the ONLY pictures they will EVER have of their beloved child, when they dreamed of a lifetime of photos and memories? Do you realize they love their child just as much as you love yours? And just because their baby was born dead does not mean they aren't proud to be their mother or father and that they don't want to share them with others. Can you not try to grasp for one minute what it would be like if this happened to you?

I have been open with sharing photos of my daughter Lily Katherine, who was stillborn at 40 weeks 2 days gestation on March 16, 2010. Many people remark how perfect and truly beautiful she was. Yet, there have been those through the years who have said some cruel things. She is not some nightmarish freak. Her pictures capture how lovely she was, perfectly formed and real. She isn't scary or disturbing. Yes, I realize that some of the photos show crimson lips... but besides that, she looks like a sleeping child. And if crimson lips are the most disturbing thing ever to you, you have GOT to be KIDDING me.

I have been hurt in the past by the harsh things people have said about Lily/her photos and about the fact that I choose to publicly share them. Why don't they see her the way I do? Should I have been more private with her photos? Should I have protected her memory from those that will only mock it and not recognize her beauty?

NO - I will share, I must share. Because I believe it shows honor to Lily by not being afraid to share her with others. It shows the sanctity of unborn life, even those who don't live outside the womb. They don't magically become babies once they are born alive and healthy. She had eyebrows, eyelashes, fingernails (details that I can only remember through the photos I am beyond grateful to have)... everything that makes a baby look like a baby. Only she was asleep to this world. I want to be brave in sharing her photos and her story so others who have been through something similar feel like they can do the same. A child who was stillborn has beautiful photos, for those of us who were blessed enough to get any. When people are walking through the experience of losing a baby, in the midst of it, many people cannot comprehend how precious those photos will one day become. They think it's morbid to even think about capturing photos of death/the saddest day of their lives.

But as a NILMDTS volunteer photographer, Vicki Zoller, wrote, "We don't photograph death... We capture love." For those who aren't familiar, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep offers free professional portraiture photography to those who have lost/are expected to lose their precious baby. It is not unusual or unhealthy to desire photos of a stillborn baby or to desire to share those photos.

If there is one regretful wish I hear over and over from other parents I know who lost babies, it is that they wish they had taken more/better pictures... some wish they had taken one single photo. Only those of us who have walked this road understand how valuable those pictures are. They capture a moment in time that we'll never be able to experience again. They capture the very real child we held and love, but unimaginably had to bury.

In the 19th century, post-mortem photography was common. According to the NILMDTS Facebook page, "Post-mortem photography is termed the practice of photographing the recently deceased. This type of photography was very common in the nineteenth century when death occurred in the home. Photography was new and expensive. Childhood mortality rates were extremely high in the Victorian era. It was common practice to make the 'subject' look alive or appear to be sleeping. These photographs served as keepsakes to remember a loved one, and especially with infants and young children, was the only documentation of this child into a family and possibly the only photograph the family ever had. Post-mortem photography flourished in the early decades among those desperate to capture an image of a deceased loved one. It was better to have a photograph, than have no photograph at all."

It is better to have the photographs I have of Lily than to only have my unreliable memory to reference. With photographs, I don't have to question the things my mind could easily forget. I have the assurance that she was truly real when I look at her sweet face in her pictures.

As a society, these photos don't have to be seen as creepy if we don't allow them to be.

Be brave, sweet mothers and fathers of babies who've been lost. There are many of us who feel honored to see photos of your baby. And to those who don't get it and don't want to, please keep your thoughts to yourselves and allow the only photos we'll ever have of our babies to be freely and proudly shared with whomever we wish.

Here is my beautiful and perfect daughter, Lily Katherine....

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Babyloss Comfort Boxes

For a few years, I have been working on babyloss comfort boxes to be given in honor and memory of Lily Katherine to the Birth Center where she was born. This has been a project for my mom and I to do for our Lily girl. My mom supported me in many ways in bringing this dream to a reality.

I didn't just want to get random things to fill the boxes, but carefully and lovingly selected each item over a long period of time. Every few months, as I decided upon something, I would order it online or purchase it when I saw a good deal or had a coupon at Michaels or somewhere. There were so many options and so many things I would have loved to include, but I did my best choosing the items I find most important and special.

I considered what I would have appreciated having when I first lost Lily. My desire is to provide the information to help unprepared families make the important decisions while in the hospital, in the first hours after their loss, choices that later will not be regretted. I partly want to do this because of my own regrets and because I want to share the things I am thankful to have. I also want to provide the families with gifts to honor their little ones and other special items to help them heal in the days after leaving the hospital.

I wasn't sure how to go about giving these boxes, who to contact about it, etc. I have heard of others trying to give similar boxes to their local hospitals and being rejected. I guess part of why I hadn't done it yet is because I was afraid of being rejected. God worked it out for me to get in contact with the sweetest lady who is a nurse at the Birth Center. She set up a time with me to bring the boxes on Lily's birthday. I had shared with her what would be in them and she set up a meeting in a conference room at the hospital for me to share my boxes! I was also able to bring red-velvet cupcakes for the L&D staff.

I want to share the boxes to keep a record of it for myself and to hopefully inspire others who want to create similar boxes. If you are interested in making something for your local Hospital, call the L&D floor, the Chaplain, or someone else who can assist you. I am thankful that the staff at the Birth Center where Lily was born are so amazing and want to help the families who have lost babies in whatever way they can.

Here are the boxes! We gave five for Lily's 5th birthday. :)

I wanted the boxes to be simple and sweet and appropriate for both genders. I found the boxes themselves at Michaels and then my mom and I chose lace, ribbon, and little butterfly embellishments to dress it up a bit. I wanted it to have a personal touch.

Here is what the inside of the boxes looks like.

I wanted the boxes to have a "butterfly theme," so you will notice butterflies throughout. Butterflies symbolize new life, and our babies have new life with Jesus.

I included a page called, "What's Included in This Comfort Box," with an explanation for each item. As soon as the box is opened, the page is on top, along with a special card underneath with a butterfly stamp on it.

I got these special heartfelt sympathy cards for the boxes, specifically made by Lost for Words Card Line for babyloss comfort boxes. Again, there is a butterfly.

This is what I wrote inside the cards. I wanted the personal touch of a handwritten note, and of course had to include who the box is given in memory of.

What else is in the boxes along with photos of the items described:

-A little lamb, which symbolizes innocence and purity, to fill their empty arms. Lily and Katherine both mean "pure and innocent," and Lily's stone has a lamb on it, so lambs are quite significant and special to me. And a little lamb is perfect for any precious baby. My mom and I selected a ribbon with the word "baby" on it in many colors to dress up the lambs. I found the lambs at Tuesday Morning and the ribbon at Michaels.

-A copy of “When Hello Means Goodbye” to help them make important decisions and to bring comfort in the days ahead. I encourage them before leaving the hospital to read the pages about seeing and holding their baby, taking pictures, and gathering keepsakes. Also, I mention that the sections on decisions to be made, autopsies, funeral homes, burial or cremation arrangements, and memorial gatherings are important as well. I tell them that I know that it will be painful and difficult to even think about these things, but I urge them now to consider all their options. I think some people who unexpectedly lose their baby are in a state of complete shock, which is why I want to "think for them," and help them do things that they don't realize how important those things will become to them later. I stressed this to the nurses when presenting the boxes, to make sure they understand the importance of this. I got these books online at "Grief Watch."

-A “Now I Sleep” CD, which is a beautiful piano instrumental CD, specifically made for babyloss parents. The artist is a man named John Albert Thomas and he has generously worked with me to provide the CD's at a discounted rate.

-A journal to share their pregnancy memories, birth story, write letters to their baby, or anything else they want to share. The journal has a butterfly and flowers on it, both of which remind me of Lily. Writing has been a huge part of my grief and healing journey and therefore I hope to encourage others to write as well. I found these journals for a great price online.

-A baggie for their baby’s beautiful hair. I put a tiny plastic bag inside the baggie for a snippet of hair, so it doesn't get lost. I got both the baggies and plastic bags at Michaels.

-Forget-Me-Not flower seeds to plant in honor of the baby they’ll never forget. I'm sure these can be found at many stores.

-A packet of tissues for their tears. Again, these can be found at many stores. 

-A “Remembering Heart” necklace, which has two parts, the tiny inner heart can be kept with their baby for burial or cremation and the outer heart can be kept or worn by the mother or father. This is such a special way to have that connection with their child. Many parents later wish they had done something similar. I got this necklace online at "Grief Watch."

-A heart candle to light in remembrance. I can't remember specifically where I got these, but similar small candles can be found at many stores.

-A beautiful art card specifically for such comfort boxes from the lovely Stephanie of Beyond Words Designs (her daughter Amelia was also born sleeping, just five days before Lily, on March 11, 2010). Stephanie is one of my favorite artists. This card can be framed, included in a scrapbook, etc. Stephanie generously donated these.

-Information on one of the local to Raleigh infant loss support groups, Covered in Love. I also included information on another local to Raleigh group, ParentCare. 

-A Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep brochure. This is one thing I wish with all my heart I had known about! I got these in bulk directly from NILMDTS.

-A keepsake impression kit for baby's hand or footprint. I found these at T.J. Maxx. I'm sure similar things can be found online or in many different stores.

-Special butterfly cards (one for handprints and one for footprints). I created these myself with papers and stamps I found at Michaels (I made sure they were acid free). I want to encourage the families to get more than one set of original foot and handprints, for grandparents and other family members, or just to keep for a scrapbook, etc. This is one thing I really wish I had done. Also, I wanted them to be able to have their baby's prints on beautiful paper (again, the butterfly theme). The only original set of Lily's prints that I have is on a paper with the leaf with the teardrop. It's such a sad and painful symbol to me, so I don't want them to always have to see that when they look at their baby's prints. It is a common symbol used in hospitals to alert doctors and other medical professionals that there has been a loss in that room and not to go in and say something like, "Congratulations, how's the baby?"

This is the leaf with the teardrop that I'm talking about on the paper with my only set of Lily's prints (which I am sooo thankful to have).

"The leaf with the teardrop reflects both intense suffering of loss and hope for the future. Though fallen, the leaf maintains its vitality, symbolizing hope. It cradles the teardrop with its upturned edges creating a sense of comfort. As seasons change, so do feelings. Just as there is winter and spring, there is sadness and hope."

Here's another photo of what the box looks like on the inside. It is full of special items. I also included my blog link with many resources available, such as songs, books, movies, etc. I hope they will visit if they are looking for resources for their baby's memorial service or for comfort in the days ahead.

Here I am sharing the boxes at the hospital on Lily's birthday.

And here are my mom and I with the nurses and our boxes. You can see lots more photos from Lily's birthday and read more by clicking HERE.

This has certainly been a long labor of love that has been finally brought to fruition. It was rather satisfying to finish and deliver the boxes. I prayed over each box, that God would put it into the hands of the people He desires to have it. It made me sad thinking about how long I've been working on these boxes and how the families who will one day be receiving them most likely have no idea that such boxes even exist, let alone that they will have the need of one. But God knows them and their baby and He wants to comfort them. I hope to comfort others with the comfort I have received (2 Corinthians 1:4).

I can only do so much with my time and resources and honestly feel as if five boxes sadly only scratch the surface of this great need. However, when we are faithful with a little, God can do a lot! I'm just waiting to see what He will do next!

I don't know if I will ever hear from the families who will receive these boxes, but I pray I will. I included my blog address, in hopes that they will come here and find more support and reach out. I hope they know their baby is cared about, even by me, a stranger.

I hope this will be just the beginning of giving boxes to the Birth Center! Now that I know what I want in the boxes and have connections there, I pray the Lord would continue to open up the doors to serve families experiencing the loss of their precious baby. Lily's legacy continues to blossom here on Earth.

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Retouched Photos for Babyloss Parents

Something that has been very difficult for me in the years since losing Lily is the fact that I do not have any high-quality photos from my pregnancy or of Lily. I only found out about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (a non-profit organization that takes free professional photographs of precious babies who have been stillborn or are expected to die) after it was too late. To this day, I do not know why the hospital staff didn't inform me about NILMDTS so that I could have had that choice. I live in the capital city of North Carolina and have seen on the NILMDTS website that there are many volunteer photographers in this area. Those are precious, sacred moments that I will never get back.

I have been angry with myself for not getting more and better maternity photos. My sister kept wanting to take photos of me towards the end of my pregnancy, but we didn't get around to it. I was planning on getting professional photos of Lily after she was born... I never could have imagined that maternity photos and hospital photos would be all I'd ever have to remember my first-born baby.

Instead of dwelling on the photos I could have had, I am thankful for the photos I do have. Because I know they are a gift and a treasure. I know that in the "old days," mothers weren't even allowed to hold their stillborn baby, let alone capture forever photos. Even now, some parents don't think about the fact that photos are one of the only tangible keepsakes they will have left of their precious child. So I am truly, truly thankful for what I have.

Anyways, I know I am not the only person who regrets and wishes for more. Instead of sulking about it forever, I had another idea. How about making the photos I do have look the best they can look?

I looked up the volunteer NILMDTS photographers in Raleigh and reached out to a couple, telling them a little of my story, how I wished I had known about NILMDTS, and how I wondered if they could possibly help me by retouching the photos I do have to make them as beautiful as possible. Both photographers I reached out to were so kind and helpful and said they would be honored to help. I sent them the photos I wanted edited (there were quite a few) and they sent them back to me when they were finished. One of them even sent me a disc in the mail with all my edited photos, which was very special.

For those reading who also wish they had known about NILMDTS, who wish they had taken more and better quality photos throughout their pregnancy and when their baby was born, I hope you will consider looking into getting your photos retouched. I have included the places I have found that offer this photo retouching service to babyloss parents at the bottom of this blog post. Some places charge, some are free, and some ask for donations if you are able to give. I have included places that I know will be sensitive and caring. I am sure there are many places that offer photo retouching, but it is of a very delicate nature to trust someone with photos of your stillborn baby, knowing they will treat you and your child with the honor, respect, and dignity you deserve.

I have included a couple of my before and after photos below that were retouched to show you what a big difference it can make. I am beyond pleased with how they turned out. I could never thank these photographers enough for this priceless gift they have given me. They have given me much more peace about not having more and better quality photos. It doesn't replace not having the professional pictures, but it does ease the sting a bit.

I look at my photos now and see them as being so beautiful. I want you to feel the same about your photos. I know that photos are one of the few things you can share of your precious child with friends and family, so I want you to feel comfortable in sharing them.

Photo Retouching:

• Baby Angel Pics
• Heartprints Photo Retouching 
• Contact someone from NILMDTS or Heartfelt and ask if they will work with you

Please let me know if you know of any other person or organization who offers this photo retouching service to babyloss parents. Feel free to share this with others.

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