My little love. My constant companion. My precious flower. You
whispered "goodbye" before I had a chance to say "hello." I'm left with a bruised
heart and shaken dreams. Empty arms desperate to be filled with you. When I
heard those words, those dreadful words, that your heart was no longer beating,
it was like I was suffocating. I keep having to remind myself to breathe...Why
is it so hard to breathe?!
I couldn't cry at first...I was just shocked. My world was
shattered, crumbling around me. Somehow the physical pain didn't seem to matter
much anymore. You went straight from my womb to the arms of Jesus. Why did you
have to go? Doesn't He know I need you here? Doesn't He know that you're my
world? And yet life goes on. I still hear laughter. The moon still rises and
the sun still sets. But, I won't forget. Even when I smile, thoughts of you are
always dancing in the back of my mind. Shouldn't the whole world just stop?
Mine has. How does the wind still blow? Doesn't it know you aren't here?
Oh, the plans I had for your life. All the things I wanted to
show you and teach you. I longed for the day you would finally fill all those
clothes that are just for you. I waited and waited to see that beautiful,
toothless smile I'd imagined so many times before. The way your eyes would
sparkle. I would rock you for hours and softly sing sweet lullabies in your
ear. I can't help thinking of all that could have been. All that was meant to
be. You should be at home in your Moses basket now, not in that little white
box.
What will life be like when what should have been your firsts
come? Your first 'mama,' your first grin, your first giggle when you’d see me
coming to get you out of your crib in the morning, your first tooth, the first
time you'd crawl…and walk. Your first Christmas and how your eyes would light
up with all the beautiful lights and decorations. Your first birthday and how
you'd get cake all over your special birthday dress. Your first trip to the
beach and mountains. As the months pass, I will wonder how you might have
looked...growing so fast. Would your hair be curly? Who would you look like?
Would you be talking yet? Walking yet? All that could have been...should have
been. Yet, it will never be. This ache in my heart will remain because I'll
never get to see all these firsts...and seconds and thirds. I'll never get to
see my baby girl turn into a beautiful lady. I'll never get to hold her baby.
Parents should never have to bury their children. That's not how it should be.
It seems so unnatural.
My little blessing from Heaven, blue skies turned to gray when
you slipped away. A piece of my heart left with you. Sometimes it feels like
people are already forgetting you. But, I won't forget. So, don't feel like
you're missing out on all the fun. Because wherever I go, there you'll be too.
My sweet, sweet Baby...You have changed me forever. You have
left a footprint on many hearts. Someone so tiny has accomplished so much! More
than a lot of people do in a long lifetime. How precious you are to God! And to
me! In a matter of months, I went from looking at you as a burden to loving you
more than I ever thought I could love anyone. My world was built around you.
Now, I can't imagine the rest of my life without you by my side.
I miss every little thing about you and everything that reminds
me of you. I don't want to forget a thing. Feeling you kicking in the middle of
the night, joking about you, talking to you, calling you by your nicknames
(Spud, my little flower, Lily Kat, Lilliputian, Lilykins, L.O. (Little One),
Lily Kate), hearing your sweet heartbeat, seeing your chubby cheeks on the
ultrasound screen, and being so amazed as I saw God form you inside of me. My
belly grew as my love for you grew. I even miss waking up a thousand times
every night for nine months to go to the bathroom and waddling around like a
penguin. It's funny how all these things that used to annoy me are now the
things I long to experience again. Just the comfort of knowing you were inside
me - living, growing, thriving...In the safest place you could be. You were
always with me...always protected.
God's hand was on you while you were in my womb. He saved you
and you saved me. Thank you. I want the world to know how wonderful you are!
The beautiful legacy you leave behind will never be forgotten. YOU will never
be forgotten, precious Lily. My love, you are so pure, so precious, so tiny, so
perfect. When I held you in my arms I had a taste of something truly divine.
Such a sweet spirit. When I looked into your face, I saw the face of my Jesus.
I glimpsed Eternity. I am so blessed to have known you. You will never have to
know this world marred with pain and sin. You will forever be pure and innocent.
I am proud to call you my child. Proud that God would choose me to carry you! A
princess.
For now, I will have to hold onto the memories of you. The
bittersweet memories of your little button nose, your little fingers and toes.
How perfect you were. Every last detail of you just right. I will cherish these
memories forever. For now, I'll have to hold onto the little keepsakes - the
journal I wrote for you, your precious footprints and handprints, and pictures.
They are not enough, but will have to do...For now. Because I know one day I
will meet you at the gates of Heaven. Will you wait for me there? On that day,
my Jesus will place you in my arms and I will finally be able to hold you, sing
to you, smell your sweet baby smell, and look into your lovely blue eyes. Until
then, I know He'll take good care of you. Until then, I will cling to the One
who holds the world in His hands. Thank you for changing my life. I will never
forget you little one, my precious angel who was simply too beautiful for Earth.
Love, Mommy
(I shared this letter to Lily with everyone at the service in honor of her on Friday evening, March 26, 2010.)
