Sunday, September 16, 2012

Two and a Half Years of Heaven

My Darling Lily,

The sky is breathtakingly blue today. Fall is almost officially here...There's a clearness that there hasn't been since spring and there is a crispness in the air. It's quite delightful actually. I can feel a change in the atmosphere, and I know the leaves promise to soon transform into gorgeous reds, oranges, and yellows...and my scarves and sweaters will need to be organized in the front of my closet.




There are so many little things during this time of year that remind me of when you were safely nestled within my womb. One of these things is pumpkin-spiced lattes. Maybe that's why I love them so much now, because they remind me of when you were here.

The first PSL of the season!

If seasons were a book, then a page would be about to turn. Another page turned in the story of my life without you. Another page that reminds me that I am farther from you than I was a season ago. This time of year always leaves me feeling so contemplative. I get sad reminiscing on days passed and how life changes so much from year to year. It's hard for me, someone who likes to be in a predictable bubble of comfort and familiarity. But, I know I'm not meant to live that way. I know I'm meant to cling to Jesus through each season of unknowns.

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
~Corrie ten Boom~

He is my only constant, my only certainty in a world of chaos and pain.

I know that in living on earth, I must follow the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years that surely and steadily tick by, with no regard for who is left behind. I know that time for you is not what it is to me and that pain I feel in missing you at my very core isn't felt in your little heart. I know that you have no concept of time as I know it. I know that the ebb and flow of grief that comes and goes in my life isn't known in Heaven. I know that you have never tasted the saltiness of tears or felt the deep aching to see me again. It brings peace to your mommy's heart to know that you are completely at peace in the arms of our Heavenly Father. I know that it's a blink of an eye to you until we meet again.

But even in knowing all this, it doesn't stop me from missing you somethin' awful...

Today it has been 2 and a half years of Heaven for you...30 months...since I last held you and you flew to Jesus. It seems like so long, yet also just yesterday. I ache knowing I haven't felt your weight in my arms for that much time. It feels like so very long when I think of the possibility of another 60 or 70 years on earth without you.

"Time and distance quench a small love, but make a great love grow stronger."
~Richard Wurmbrand~


I am believing this to be so. My love for you grows greater with each passing day, as I long for the time when change is no more and the time without you will be made up for by eternity spent in the presence of Jesus, with you by my side.

Do you have beautifully-hued leaves up there? Do you run and jump in them, playing with the best Father ever?

I wish you were here to celebrate today, with a half-birthday breakfast and maybe a cupcake and candle later...but I will celebrate still.

You were loved all of your life and will be loved for the rest of mine...I love you to the moon and back, sweet Lily girl.

Always and forever yours,
Mama

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2 comments:

  1. Your such a sweet mama Hannah! I love your beautiful words to Lily :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. So beautiful and so heartbreaking. And as always, inspirational. Lots.of.love. Lora

    ReplyDelete

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