Monday, February 18, 2013

Walking With You - Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

I am participating in the Walking With You series that Kelly from Sufficient Grace Ministries is hosting. To see all my posts for this series, click here.

Week 6: February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

For the final post in this segment, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms. Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss. Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again. Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons. Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief. Can you experience hope and healing… even if there is no rainbow after the storm? Lori Ennis will be guest posting on this blog and I will share some thoughts as well. We hope many of you will also join in, linking your own posts.

*Click here to join in this week.*

My story is different than most stories of those who've lost a baby. I am single and my only children live in Heaven. I lost them when I was only 19 and 20.

In the past couple weeks, the following things have happened among people I know...A baby has been born. Someone has gotten married. A close friend of mine just told me last night that she is in a relationship with a young man now. Another friend also announced being in a relationship. And there has been a pregnancy announcement...ok, make that two pregnancy announcements as of just a moment ago. I also have gone to a baby shower, a 1st birthday party, a Christening celebration, and another 1st birthday party is coming up this weekend...

One of the dearest dreams of my heart is to be a wife and mother. I already am a mother, but I long for children on earth to raise. Having and losing my two precious children has only intensified that longing tremendously. Because of my circumstances, having a "rainbow baby" right now isn't a possibility. And each time I hear another announcement like those I listed above or attend another celebration, it's like I'm handed an invitation to my very own pity-party.

It is a daily choice I must make whether I will accept or decline that invitation.

I watched a movie a few months ago that was so convicting and changed the way I was thinking. In the movie, a young couple was struggling with infertility and had a failed adoption. In one scene, the wife says to her husband, "Is it so wrong that I want to be a mom? I want a baby more than anything!" And he responded, "No, it's not wrong. It's the "more than anything part."

The Lord whispered to my heart...Who or what do you love more than anything? Who or what do you desire more than anything? Is it Me or the desire for a husband and children?

There is nothing wrong with having a deep desire to be a mom and wife, especially because I believe the Lord gave me those dreams. However, even pure desires can become idols in our hearts when we place our desire for those things above our desire for God.

True joy is not always found when we get what we want, what we think is best for us. Authentic joy is found when we surrender all into the hands of He who loves us more than we could ever comprehend and realize that He is always good. He desires what's best for our lives and we find joy when we are hidden in Him.

I truly believe having a healthy baby one day would help heal my heart in so many ways...but only to an extent. Jesus is the only One who can heal the deepest parts of me. Not being in the position to have another child has honestly been a blessing in disguise. It has caused me to turn my entire heart and being to the Lord. Instead of seeking to find healing in another pregnancy and baby to fill my empty arms, I have had to depend on Him to fill my empty heart. And I know that one day, if it's in God's will and when I'm ready, I will have a rainbow baby. But, I will know that baby won't replace my first two babies and won't fill my emptiness.

Instead of constantly waiting for and anticipating the future, I pray God will make me content with each season I'm in, as I'm living it. Life is a journey and we must walk each step to get to the next. I pray that instead of walking the steps as fast as I can and constantly looking off into the distance, into something I can't see or can barely see...that I will slow down and embrace each step of this beautiful LIFE with Him. I pray He gives me eyes to see the precious gifts He gives me. I pray that I will look to my left and right, to see the gorgeous flowers blooming, feel the sun shining, enjoy a lovely breeze. I pray that I will stop and bend over to "smell the roses."

One of my favorite quotes that rings true is by Amy Carmichael which says, “It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desire which He creates.

I know that if it is God's best for my life, that I will get married and have children one day. But, I also know that if these things don't happen, then that is what's best. I choose to surrender these longings and feelings into His hands and to trust Him with the pen to write my life story. I know His "train ticket of grace" will be there for me to face whatever comes.

I know this season of singleness is a sacred and beautiful time. I know I am to be purposeful in my singleness and not waste these precious days...whether they be few or forever.

Our Heavenly Father is enough to fill our deepest longings. No matter what our present circumstances may be, He is enough. Surrender your hopes, dreams, and plans into His trustworthy hands. If fear is gripping your heart over the thought of having another baby, trust Him. Trust Him with your life and the lives of your future children. Trust that He is greater than any medical problem or condition. 

Are we willing to surrender that which is most precious to us, even if the Lord never gives those dreams back? Are we willing to trust that He has His perfect plan for our lives? And the perfect timing for it all to unfold?

I won't pretend to understand what it's like to be married and have infertility...I won't pretend I know what it's like to lose your only child and any hope for a healthy child be taken away...I won't pretend I know what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes other than my own. But here's what I do know...I know that God loves His children and He desires the best for us. I know He is in control. I know we can trust Him even when we don't understand. I know He is good always. I know He has a plan and a purpose beyond what we can see in this moment. I know that even if I never get my "rainbow baby" on earth that Jesus Himself is my rainbow. He is my hope and healing after the storm of sin, sorrow, and loss. He is my light in the darkness. He Himself is the answer.

‎"I know now, Lord, why You utter no answer. You are Yourself the answer. Before Your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?" ~C. S. Lewis

Thank you Kelly for hosting this awesome series! I have been truly blessed and encouraged in walking with all you ladies. Thank you for coming to my space and reading about the lives and legacies of my babies. I hope to continue to stay connected with you, even though the series is now over.

I'd love for you to become a follower of my blog, either by email or Google Friend can do so on the lefthand side of this blog. 

We can also connect on facebook. 
Here is my facebook page:
And here is my personal facebook page:

Love and Hugs,


  1. Beautiful, inspiring words of hope...

    You definitely have your heart and mind in the proper thinking, and trusting God with your future. I am looking forward to the future, in reading/watching all of the plans that God will plant for your fruitful crop... and watching each seed grow and bloom into His will for your life.

    “It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desire which He creates.”.... Loved this quote!

    Much love Hannah...

  2. I LOVE THIS "I know that even if I never get my "rainbow baby" on earth that Jesus Himself is my rainbow." Breathtakingly beautiful!!! Praying that God brings you a wonderful husband and many rainbow babies!

  3. Very well said! Your faith is an inspiration!


  4. Dear, sweet are wise beyond your years. And, I believe God has blessed you with a beautiful wisdom and faith. That place of surrender is so hard to reach...but there is freedom, strength and healing...and most of all sweet grace waiting there for us. I remember crying on my kitchen floor after considering doing something permanent to prevent more children (before we had James), begging God to give us another child. He kept laying the song and verse in scripture on my heart, :Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.

    I said, "So, if I put you first, you'll give me a baby? Is that what you're saying, Lord?"

    I was fixated, like my youngest son fixates on what he wants in the moment.

    He just kept laying the words on my heart. I started to sing the song we learned in VBS. Over and over.

    Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness. And, all these things shall be added unto you. Allelu...Allelujah.

    I sang on my kitchen floor...through the tears...until my heart understood...until I felt the surrender and heard Him whisper.

    Just seek Me first...just trust Me. I will take care of the rest.

    Your post reminded me of that beautiful, gut-wrenching surrender.

    Thank you for walking with us...and sharing your heart. Continued prayers...


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