Walking With You - Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

I am participating in the Walking With You series that Kelly from Sufficient Grace Ministries is hosting. To see all my posts for this series, click here.

Week 6: February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

For the final post in this segment, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms. Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss. Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again. Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons. Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief. Can you experience hope and healing… even if there is no rainbow after the storm? Lori Ennis will be guest posting on this blog and I will share some thoughts as well. We hope many of you will also join in, linking your own posts.

*Click here to join in this week.*

My story is different than most stories of those who've lost a baby. I am single and my only children live in Heaven. I lost them when I was only 19 and 20.

In the past couple weeks, the following things have happened among people I know...A baby has been born. Someone has gotten married. A close friend of mine just told me last night that she is in a relationship with a young man now. Another friend also announced being in a relationship. And there has been a pregnancy announcement...ok, make that two pregnancy announcements as of just a moment ago. I also have gone to a baby shower, a 1st birthday party, a Christening celebration, and another 1st birthday party is coming up this weekend...

One of the dearest dreams of my heart is to be a wife and mother. I already am a mother, but I long for children on earth to raise. Having and losing my two precious children has only intensified that longing tremendously. Because of my circumstances, having a "rainbow baby" right now isn't a possibility. And each time I hear another announcement like those I listed above or attend another celebration, it's like I'm handed an invitation to my very own pity-party.

It is a daily choice I must make whether I will accept or decline that invitation.

I watched a movie a few months ago that was so convicting and changed the way I was thinking. In the movie, a young couple was struggling with infertility and had a failed adoption. In one scene, the wife says to her husband, "Is it so wrong that I want to be a mom? I want a baby more than anything!" And he responded, "No, it's not wrong. It's the "more than anything part."

The Lord whispered to my heart...Who or what do you love more than anything? Who or what do you desire more than anything? Is it Me or the desire for a husband and children?

There is nothing wrong with having a deep desire to be a mom and wife, especially because I believe the Lord gave me those dreams. However, even pure desires can become idols in our hearts when we place our desire for those things above our desire for God.

True joy is not always found when we get what we want, what we think is best for us. Authentic joy is found when we surrender all into the hands of He who loves us more than we could ever comprehend and realize that He is always good. He desires what's best for our lives and we find joy when we are hidden in Him.

I truly believe having a healthy baby one day would help heal my heart in so many ways...but only to an extent. Jesus is the only One who can heal the deepest parts of me. Not being in the position to have another child has honestly been a blessing in disguise. It has caused me to turn my entire heart and being to the Lord. Instead of seeking to find healing in another pregnancy and baby to fill my empty arms, I have had to depend on Him to fill my empty heart. And I know that one day, if it's in God's will and when I'm ready, I will have a rainbow baby. But, I will know that baby won't replace my first two babies and won't fill my emptiness.

Instead of constantly waiting for and anticipating the future, I pray God will make me content with each season I'm in, as I'm living it. Life is a journey and we must walk each step to get to the next. I pray that instead of walking the steps as fast as I can and constantly looking off into the distance, into something I can't see or can barely see...that I will slow down and embrace each step of this beautiful LIFE with Him. I pray He gives me eyes to see the precious gifts He gives me. I pray that I will look to my left and right, to see the gorgeous flowers blooming, feel the sun shining, enjoy a lovely breeze. I pray that I will stop and bend over to "smell the roses."

One of my favorite quotes that rings true is by Amy Carmichael which says, “It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desire which He creates.”

I know that if it is God's best for my life, that I will get married and have children one day. But, I also know that if these things don't happen, then that is what's best. I choose to surrender these longings and feelings into His hands and to trust Him with the pen to write my life story. I know His "train ticket of grace" will be there for me to face whatever comes.

I know this season of singleness is a sacred and beautiful time. I know I am to be purposeful in my singleness and not waste these precious days...whether they be few or forever.

Our Heavenly Father is enough to fill our deepest longings. No matter what our present circumstances may be, He is enough. Surrender your hopes, dreams, and plans into His trustworthy hands. If fear is gripping your heart over the thought of having another baby, trust Him. Trust Him with your life and the lives of your future children. Trust that He is greater than any medical problem or condition. 

Are we willing to surrender that which is most precious to us, even if the Lord never gives those dreams back? Are we willing to trust that He has His perfect plan for our lives? And the perfect timing for it all to unfold?

I won't pretend to understand what it's like to be married and have infertility...I won't pretend I know what it's like to lose your only child and any hope for a healthy child be taken away...I won't pretend I know what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes other than my own. But here's what I do know...I know that God loves His children and He desires the best for us. I know He is in control. I know we can trust Him even when we don't understand. I know He is good always. I know He has a plan and a purpose beyond what we can see in this moment. I know that even if I never get my "rainbow baby" on earth that Jesus Himself is my rainbow. He is my hope and healing after the storm of sin, sorrow, and loss. He is my light in the darkness. He Himself is the answer.

‎"I know now, Lord, why You utter no answer. You are Yourself the answer. Before Your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?" ~C. S. Lewis

Thank you Kelly for hosting this awesome series! I have been truly blessed and encouraged in walking with all you ladies. Thank you for coming to my space and reading about the lives and legacies of my babies. I hope to continue to stay connected with you, even though the series is now over.

I'd love for you to become a follower of my blog, either by email or Google Friend Connect...you can do so on the lefthand side of this blog. 

We can also connect on facebook. 

Here is my facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Lilys-Legacy/169146136429152

And here is my personal facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/roseandherlily

Love and Hugs,

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Walking With You - The Comparison Trap

I am participating in the Walking With You series that Kelly from Sufficient Grace Ministries is hosting. To see all my posts for this series, click here.

Week 5: February 4, 2013 ~ Mirror, Mirror, The Comparison Trap

Mothers often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to one another. This is a trap many women fall into. We compare our families, mothering styles, fashion sense, careers or lack thereof, bodies, etc. Even mothers with babies in Heaven compare the way we grieve our children. I know…sad…but we do it, if we’re honest enough to admit it. So, how can we find freedom from this? Sharing is a start…telling the truth…admitting the struggle. I think, then, we will see that we all love our children, regardless of how we choose to remember and honor their lives…whether publicly or quietly…with big parties or simple moments of remembrance. Be real on this week’s post, and let’s free ourselves from the trap of comparing!

*Click here to join in this week.*

Honestly, when I first read the prompt for this week, I didn't have a clue what to share. It has taken me several days to even sit down and think about what I want to write...

I have wondered several times if I am "doing" this thing called grief "correctly" when I look at what others do/don't do compared with what I do/don't do. 

I pour myself into this blog. And I have found that many people who had losses around the same time I did hardly write anymore, if ever. I miss connecting with some of the babyloss moms that used to be such a lifeline to me in the beginning. It is truly so hard to believe that it is coming up on 3 years since my little flower whispered hello and goodbye all in one breath. Is it unhealthy or unusual that I still find peace and joy writing here in this space? Sometimes I wonder if those that lost their babies more recently find it weird that I'm still blogging after so much time has passed. Do they think they will be more "past the loss" in that same amount of time? Will I still be here blogging, even when these bloggers move on and have their rainbows? Will I still be single and have no baby on earth to raise? Am I not healing properly if I still like sharing so much? My blog has definitely changed in the past 3 years. I used to primarily write about my loss and grief, but now I write a lot about Pro-Life things and I really enjoy sharing ideas and resources with others. On the other hand, I wonder why these people don't write anymore, almost like they are neglecting their baby's sacred space.

I also have found myself comparing how I choose to honor and remember Lily and Luke to how others honor and remember their children of Heaven. I find myself wondering if people think ways I choose to honor my children are strange. I like doing lots of different things...such as getting names in the sand photos, remembrance jewelry, among so many other things. I look at some of my friends who don't seem to do much of anything for their children and I sometimes feel like their little one is being forgotten about or neglected. But maybe they think I do too much and that it isn't healthy.

This is what I've learned...

Each one of us grieves differently. And that doesn't mean one of us is "right" and one of us is "wrong." Each person has different ways they choose to honor their children...some choose to do so privately, while others choose to do so publicly. Neither one is better than the other. The fact is, we all love and miss our children and will forever. And whatever we do that helps us cope with that loss is fine. We should never let anyone else tell us what to do/not do and how to do it. Let's all embrace and love one another and honor our children together. Let's respect the way others choose to remember and not judge or criticize because it is different than what we do. I have let go of the fear of what others think.

I am 23 and single and am in a place where I am able to spend time writing a lot more than I probably would be able to if I were married and had other children. Just because others can't do this doesn't mean they've forgotten. And just because I can do this doesn't mean I haven't healed. I grieve very publicly. It isn't always comfortable for me, but I feel like I am supposed to share the lives and legacies of my children, through speaking and writing. I mother my little ones through sharing and all the other things I do for and because of them. I mother their legacies. And because I don't have any children on earth, that is the only motherhood I know. I feel I keep them alive in a way by sharing them. Just as a mother does things for her living children, I find joy and peace doing things for my children of Heaven. There is nothing wrong with that. It may change as time goes on and another page of my life turns. But, for right now...this is where I am and I am comfortable with it.

*I'd love for you to become a follower of my blog, either by email or Google Friend Connect...you can do so on the lefthand side of this blog. :)*

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Walking With You - Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Joy

I am participating in the Walking With You series that Kelly from Sufficient Grace Ministries is hosting. To see all my posts for this series, click here.

Week 4: January 28, 2013 ~ Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Joy

One area so many mothers struggle with is guilt, especially those who experience the loss of a baby/child. We want to address this struggle in this post. It will help mothers quietly battling guilt for living life and experiencing joy to know they are not alone. Other moms silently battle this as well. Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child, or whether you have experienced the healing balm of joy for years, share your thoughts on this week’s post.

*Click here to join in this week.*

As I was thinking about what to write this week, I recalled the guilt I have experienced in more than one way since losing Lily...

I remember the first feelings of guilt came days after losing her. I was writing a letter that I read to Lily at her Celebration of LIFE/Memorial Service. I was struck with feeling guilt...for myself and for the world. I felt guilty that my life and the lives of everyone around me continued on like my world hadn't been completely shattered. Like she hadn't died.

This is what I wrote to Lily in my letter:

...life goes on. I still hear laughter. The moon still rises and the sun still sets. But, I won't forget. Even when I smile, thoughts of you are always dancing in the back of my mind. Shouldn't the whole world just stop? Mine has. How does the wind still blow? Doesn't it know you aren't here?

It just felt wrong to smile and laugh. It felt wrong that the days, weeks, and months continued marching by. Lily was born just days before the genesis of spring. This is what I wrote a couple weeks after she was born and died:

Days are now bittersweet. With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life all around me bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. We wait. We anticipate. Spring and Lily...they came together. Now, spring will always remind me of the time Lily came...and went. How cruel it seems. Now, I'm not sure what the future holds...I'm not sure what to dream anymore, how to feel. What promises does tomorrow hold? How can all the plants and flowers still look so pretty without her here? They seem so happy. Everyone seems so happy, out playing in the warm weather and sunshine. Spring and summer clothes now being brought out of storage. I can't blame them though. I would be doing the same thing.

Each year on her birthday, it feels so odd to celebrate. There is still a sense of dread within me when I think of her birthday in March, which is just over the horizon. Yet, each year, it changes just a little. I now get that excitement and anticipation for my daughter's birthday, just like I got growing up for my own birthday. I know that just because she isn't here doesn't mean we shouldn't still celebrate her precious LIFE and all God has done in me and so many others because of her!

Lily only knows complete satisfaction and joy in Heaven, which brings me so much peace. For a brief while, I felt guilty for wanting her here with me in this broken, sinful world when she has all of Heaven's glory! She never knew sin or sorrow. Yet, I realize that is just a mother's intrinsic longing, to be with her child. Oh, there is no where else I'd rather she be than safe at Home with Jesus!

I know that Lily wouldn't want me to feel guilty. She wouldn't want me to be sad forever. She wants me to be happy. She knows that the world continues on, whether or not she's here. I can have so much joy in my life, while at the same time missing her with every breath. As time goes on, truly my love for her only deepens. I can take all I've been through and surrender it to the Lord. He gives beauty for ashes and a heart of praise. I can take my sorrow and joy, and my feelings of missing her so tremendously, and use it to honor her and glorify my King! I felt for so long that feeling sad meant I was closer to her. Yes, it's true that in those moments of sadness, I can feel her close to me. It is a reminder that she is real. Yet, I don't need to feel sad to feel her close...she is with Him and He is with me, so really she is all around. Her heart beats with every beat of my own, so she is never far off.

If you have lost a baby, don't ever feel like you love them any less or miss them any less because you are "moving on." Moving on doesn't mean moving on from loving them or missing them. You will carry them tucked safely away inside your heart forever! So much of who we are now is because of those little babes that came to earth but for a brief while, yet did so much in their brief stay! The fact is, we live in a temporal world where we have no choice but to move on...but never, ever forgetting. 

I also have struggled with wondering if I did something that caused Lily's death. Because her autopsy results came back inconclusive, there was no real reason or explanation for why she passed. It honestly hasn't been that big of a struggle for me, but the thoughts have entered my mind on a few occasions. Thoughts such as was there something I should have done differently and she would still be alive today? Was there something I didn't catch and should have, which makes it my fault? If I had delivered her earlier, would she be here? Did I sleep wrong and cut off life-supply to her body? Did I have some sort of infection that killed her?

This is what I wrote in my journal before my 6-week postpartum check-up when I found out the results of her autopsy:

Without the Lord in my life, I would be haunted by 'what ifs'? and many, many questions about her death. But, I know this was part of God's plan all along. And even though I didn't see it coming, He wasn't surprised like I was. He had planned her name and its meaning (Lily Katherine, meaning purity and innocence, which she will forever be) long before I ever knew what was to come. This has shown me that He is still in control, even when I don't understand. She was never meant to experience the pain and suffering of this world. All that's happened doesn't mean her life wasn't beautiful and she didn't fulfill the purposes she was sent for. He did what's best for Lily and for me. 

God somehow spoke this truth to my heart, that He simply took her. I see that He has a plan and a purpose for all of this, far beyond what we can even see now. The Lord worked it out for me to have a free, full autopsy so He could bring peace to my heart. So I don't have to always wonder why she died, what the medical reason is. Because you see, God is much greater than "medical explanations." If He wanted her here with me, she would be. I know there's nothing I did wrong that hurt her and there was nothing physically wrong with me or her.

I have complete peace in knowing what I know. Lily was alive one moment and the next she was gone, still. One moment she was in the earthly realm, and the next she was in the spiritual. My Lord breathed the breath of life into her and He took it away. He took her away, but in the most beautiful way possible. It may sound strange for me to say that, but God has a way of bringing beauty to any and all things. Beauty from ashes, sorrow to joy. He has a way of healing and restoring even the most broken of hearts.

This is a poem I wrote after I found out that there was no medical reason why she passed:

He took her silently, He took her away

She was far too beautiful to stay

He took her perfect, He took her pure

She knew no sin, no suffering to endure

He took her painlessly, in the night

The only thing she knows is Heaven's light

He loves her more than I do and knows what's best

In His arms is where I'll rest

There is no reason, no one to blame

Still, I miss her just the same

I'm a mother who held her baby for just a day

But, in Heaven she waits, that's where she'll stay

I'll hold her again, kiss her, and love her

Of this I am sure

*I'd love for you to become a follower of my blog, either by email or Google Friend Connect...you can do so on the lefthand side of this blog. :)*

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Walking With You - Steps Back into Life

I am participating in the Walking With You series that Kelly from Sufficient Grace Ministries is hosting. To see all my posts for this series, click here.

Week 3: January 21, 2013 ~ Steps Back into Life

Share about your first steps back into life. What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps? Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn’t embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child? How do you cope with those struggles? What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope? How has this changed for you from the beginning? If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal...life without your baby?

*Click here to join in this week.*

Don't feel like as a Christian, you are not allowed to experience sorrow. The shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35, which says "Jesus wept." The Son of God Himself experienced great emotion. It shows His tenderness as our Friend and our Father. It is not improper to weep and is an expression that God does not forbid or condemn. We just must be careful not to harden our hearts towards God because of our grief, but keep our hearts tender towards Him. As you step back into life after loss, cry and mourn, but do so with submission to God. Never feel like so much time has passed that you are no longer allowed to cry. This is a loss that has irrevocable changed you and your life forever and you will never be "over it." I have felt at times that people expect me to be over it, as if losing Lily is comparable to having the flu or something. I have come to realize that I will always miss Lily and there will always be a sort of sadness in my heart...yet, even in the midst of sorrow, the Lord can and does bring great joy!! It doesn't mean something is wrong if you forever love and miss your baby. Don't listen to those who say otherwise. The Lord Jesus is there to comfort and heal us. And it won't always be as hard as it is in the beginning. The joy He brings is so much greater than the sorrow, my friends...

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." ~Matthew 5:4

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book." ~Psalm 56:8

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." ~Psalm 30:5

Something that was really difficult for me stepping back into life was how everyone so soon seemed to move on and forget Lily and the great loss I had experienced. I remember seeing several of my family members just about three months after Lily's Memorial Service and nobody mentioning a word to me about her. Nobody asked me how I was or said they were thinking about me or her. Hardly anyone in my family remembers or recognizes Lily on her birthday each year and that has been extremely hurtful. As if she wasn't even real. Would they not remember her special day if she were alive? No, that is silly...of course they would. Well, she has the same importance living in Heaven as she would have had living on earth. And my mother love is still the same and didn't die the day she did. Lily is loved and missed and deserves to have her name spoken. She has a beautiful legacy and I know she is important to the Lord. My encouragement to others who feel as if others are forgetting is to remember that our Heavenly Father never forgets. He adores each of our precious babies. And He always remembers them and us. Remember, He sees our tears. And we will never forget, never stop loving, never stop missing and when it comes down to it...that's what matters. Try to keep in mind that most people have good intentions, they just don't know how to act or what to say to someone who has lost a baby. The truth is, it isn't a much-talked-about topic and many people feel uncomfortable with it. I also believe that because abortion is an accepted part of the American culture today, when "wanted" babies die, it doesn't seem like a bit deal. The way people view precious unborn life at its most innocent form is very sad.

While I was pregnant with Lily, I started this blog, back in October of 2009. It was meant to be a place to chronicle my pregnancy, share my Pro-Life testimony, and eventually document Lily's life. Just 13 days after losing her and embarking on my grief journey, I wrote that first post that would embark me on my babyloss blogging journey. I haven't looked back since. It is coming up on three years since I started blogging about loss, grief, and healing. At times, I have been more active in my blogging than others. But, I can honestly say that sharing my heart here has been one of the greatest instruments God has used to heal me, besides Himself. I have always felt this is my safe place, where I am free to write whatever I am feeling. I've chosen to keep it public for anyone to read, which at times is quite intimidating. I have thought about going private and choosing to invite who I want to have the access to read my heart on a screen. But, I feel God has wanted me to keep it public...to give a voice to the unborn, women affected by abortion, women in unplanned pregnancies, and those affected by stillbirth and babyloss. God has blessed me so much in my sharing and through reading others blogs. It has been such a wonderful community to be a part of, with people that "get it," at least more than most others do. It has been so encouraging to read the blogs of other women who are farther along in their grief than me and it has been a blessing to be an encouragement to other women who are not as far along in their grief as me. In the early stages of grief, I would pour over so many blogs and it was so comforting to my heart. I knew I wasn't alone in my thoughts and feelings. I see my blog as a living memorial. I recommend writing down your thoughts, feelings, and journey, whether through a public or private blog or in a journal. It is amazing to look back and see how far you have come in your grief and also to see the faithfulness of God to carry you through! I have found that just writing out my prayers and feelings has been a great release for me. I write on my blog, but also in private letters to Lily or in journals. I recommend doing that as well. It is special to look back and see exactly how I was feeling on certain days, such as Lily's birthday, Mother's Day, or Christmas.

About a month after losing Lily, I started going to a local Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group twice a month, which was really helpful for me at the time I needed it. I rarely missed a meeting. I haven't been to a meeting in over a year because I am just in a different place now. But during all those months I went, it was so helpful. I looked forward to those meetings where I knew I could open up and be honest, cry if needed, and share my heart. For those of you who are new to this journey of loss and grief, I recommend getting plugged into a support group in your area. It is not for everyone, but it helps a lot of people to connect with others who have been through similar losses. It wouldn't hurt to try. Connecting with others who "get it," both online and "in real life" have blessed me so much on this grief journey. I also recommend finding a group that is Christian-based because it really does make a big difference to be connected with people who have the same hope and faith in Jesus. If you can't find a local support group or even if you do, there are also lots of great places online to get involved in, such as the Anchored By Hope Online Bible Study, the Illuminate Photography Course, among many other amazing things that you can find here under "Things to Participate In." There truly are so many ways to get connected and so many amazing places that lovingly serve the babyloss community.

I have also discovered that finding ways to honor and remember my babies is very healing. I don't have any living children on earth, so the only motherhood I know is mothering my two babies of Heaven. Honoring them by getting special memorial items, speaking in front of big and small groups, writing, participating in walks, balloon releases, candlelight services...doing everything I do for them is so special and healing for me as a mother. It brings joy to my heart to do things for my babies. It is a precious reminder that I do these things because they lived and they will live forever in my heart. I suggest finding things you can get as a memorial to your babies. Find things to do to honor them. I have ideas for how to honor and remember your little one here. Something as small as getting their name written on the shore in Australia can be so healing and comforting!

Stepping back into "real life" after losing Lily was really tough in many ways. For a long time, it was hard to see pregnant women, hard to hear pregnancy announcements and see birth announcements, hard to hear women complain about pregnancy symptoms, and hard to see picture updates and hear things about children growing up who would be about the same age as my Lily. My advice: Do whatever you need to do to help ease the ache a bit. If you are on facebook and find this to be the place where you are bothered the most by these sort of updates, block updates from that person. And don't feel guilty about it. Do whatever you need to do to heal and minimize the "triggers." Memorize Scripture that you can recite in your head or out loud that will comfort you when you see those pregnant bellies or newborn babies, knowing that should be you. It gets much easier as time goes by, but at least for me, it has never quite disappeared. Mostly, be gentle on yourself as you step back into life. This is something you will carry with you the rest of your days on earth. The Lord will hold you and show you how to handle everything.

*I'd love for you to become a follower of my blog, either by email or Google Friend Connect...you can do so on the lefthand side of this blog. :)*

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Walking With You - Clinging in the Pit

I am participating in the Walking With You series that Kelly from Sufficient Grace Ministries is hosting. To see all my posts for this series, click here.

Week 2: January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief. What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair? What did you cling to for hope? How did you survive the early days? What helped? What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit? If you’re in the pit, currently, share your struggles. What can others do to encourage you?

*Click here to join in this week.*

On March 16th, 2010, I quietly waited to deliver the body of my precious daughter who was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. I was suddenly facing something I never could have dreamed I'd have to face...

I'll never forget those words, those dreadful words that will forever be burned into my memory...

"Hannah Rose, this is where her heart is. And it's not beating anymore...I'm so sorry."

What? How could that be? Is this just a nightmare? When will I wake up? I just want to wake up!

But, I didn't wake up. It was real. I was so utterly shocked and frantic that I couldn’t cry at first.

All in a single moment, my whole world crumbled around me and my dreams were shattered. Shaking my head back and forth, the only words I could put together were “no, no no,” half wanting to plead with Dr. M to keep looking until her heart somehow started beating again and half wanting to cry out with tears in my eyes and my arms outstretched to the Heavens,

God, can I please have her back?!

But, there was nothing my doctor could do and there was nothing we could do...just cry.

My little girl was gone.

Deep belly sobs rattled me to the core and for the second time in my life, I felt that ache in my heart that comes from knowing my child is in the arms of the Lord, rather than here with me.

That single moment of finding out my child had already whispered goodbye before I had the chance to even say hello thrust me into a world of heartbreak and loss, grief and joy. That one single day would affect the rest of my days. It would change my heart and life forever...

I felt myself perishing under the weight of this suffering, suddenly overwhelmed with the truth that I couldn’t carry such a burden alone. With all that was in me, I reached out and begged for strength from Emmanuel, God with us, like I had nothing else to help me live. I reached out and touched His face. He was with us. And He freely offered the supernatural peace and strength that flooded over me in a way I had never known. The presence of the Most High God moved through room 235. He gave me the strength to give birth to her, to hold her and spend those sacred hours with her, and then to kiss her goodbye...for now.

I needed more strength as I left the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart. I needed it when I planned my daughter's Celebration of LIFE Service. I needed it when her tiny white casket, placed inside her cozy green Moses basket was placed in the ground and covered with tears, rose and lily petals, and dirt. I needed it when I came home and life marched on, as if she had never existed. I needed it when others so soon forgot her and my grief. I needed it as the days, weeks, months, and now years passed without my precious child here with me. I have needed it in the times that I have yet again fallen into the pit of sorrow and grief. I have needed the strength, grace, peace, and hope of the Lord every day since I took that pregnancy test, confirming I was expecting a little babe at age 19. 

Through my experiences, I have learned one of the greatest lessons of my life...The Lord has shown me that He desires me to live each and every day like March 16th, 2010. Desperately relying on Him for everything and knowing I am helpless without Him. Depending on His strength and trusting fully that He is sufficient for me. Every moment of my life, whether full of sorrow or joy, should be spent at His feet. He desires to be a part of all aspects of my every day. 

He is using me, weak Hannah Rose, to show others how He can provide strength to get through any and all things, when you call out to Him and depend on Him. Me, terrified of child birth, never thinking I'd have to birth my deceased child. I stand in awe, totally amazed, that I got through all this. At times, I find myself looking back on everything I've been through and almost not believing it really happened to me. I find myself wondering how I did it all. And He gently reminds me, you didn't do it. I did it through you. And I smile to myself and think, ah, yes, my precious Jesus, there through it all. And I realize I wouldn't have the strength to get through that today. I feel so weak. He reminds me that no, I don't have the strength to get through it today because I don't need the strength to get through it today. 

My mind goes to a conversation Corrie ten Boom (one of my spiritual heroes) had with her father as a young girl. Fear had come into her heart as she thought of the possibility of her father dying and she thought she couldn't live without him. Her father, Casper, then asks her, "Corrie, when we go to Amsterdam, when do I give you your train ticket?" "Why, just before we get on the train," she answered. "Exactly. And our wise Heavenly father knows when we're going to need things too. Don't run out ahead of Him, Corrie. He will give you the strength you need, just in time."

So many people have said to me they don't know how I've gotten through this and that they never could. It was never me, but my Jesus and I pray my story points all hearts to Him. I pray whoever hears this story will not walk away thinking Hannah Rose, or Lily even, but Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, for it is He for whom every heart is longing. I pray you will see that He gives us what we need the moment we need it, not a second before or too late. His "train ticket" of grace is there for us to face things we could never imagine facing before. It doesn't make things easy or take away the pain, but somehow it is sufficient to bear what would otherwise crush those who have not made the Lord their hope. Don't expect to understand or know today what you may face tomorrow. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~Matthew 6:34 If you're called upon to face something unimagineable, rest assured that grace ticket will be handed to you by our loving Father the moment you get on the train, not a moment before. God's strength is there for us when we need it and is not overcome by our circumstances. 

Count your weakness as a joy, a gift because it can draw you to Him and He can prove Himself faithful in your life!

"He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

If you are new to this walk of grief and are deep in the pit as you read these words, know there are others who have gone before you and others who are walking with you now. Know that the Lord will hold your hand each step of the way. He will never leave you or forsake you.

As Corrie ten Boom says, "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."

Cling to HIM. Run to HIM. Get in His Holy Word, for it is water for a thirsty soul. He is just what you need and more...

Just because you are in the pit does not mean the Lord is not right there with you, extending His hand to you to pull you out. Don't feel like as a Christian, you are not allowed to experience sorrow and grief. The shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35, which says "Jesus wept." The Son of God Himself experienced great emotion. It shows His tenderness as our Friend and our Father. It is not improper to weep and is an expression that God does not forbid or condemn. We just must be careful not to harden our hearts towards God because of our grief, but keep our hearts tender towards Him. We must mourn with submission to God.

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book." ~Psalm 56:8

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." ~Psalm 30:5

There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and spring are coming! With spring, comes new LIFE, fresh hope. Even here on earth, the Lord is bringing beauty from ashes. There is spring even here, in this fallen world. He uses all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). He brings new life out of tragedy and heartbreak. May we each cling to the HOPE that's Christ. May we cling to the promise that He can and will bring beauty and spring out of sorrow and winter. Both here on earth...and for all eternity. Spring is coming. Hallelujah! 

I highly recommend getting the "Beauty Will Rise" album by Steven Curtis Chapman. It is one of the instruments the Lord has used mightily in my healing. It flowed out of the loss of his own precious daughter.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." ~Psalm 23:4-6

If you are reading this and you are the friend of family member of someone who has lost a baby, be there for them. Romans 12:15 instructs us to "rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." If you are looking for other ways to show your support through the loss of one's baby, click here.

Next week, I will discuss more practical things that the Lord used in my life to bring me to healing.

To read more about my healing journey with Luke Shiloh, click here.

*I'd love for you to become a follower of my blog, either by email or Google Friend Connect...you can do so on the lefthand side of this blog. :)*

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Walking With You - Intro. and Where We Are Now

I have wanted to participate in the Walking With You series that Sufficient Grace Ministries hosts for a couple years, but have never gotten around to it until now. I thought now is a good time to do it because they have changed it up a bit and I feel like I have proper time to devote to writing each week. I also wanted to do a series from the beginning and other times I have stumbled upon a series when it was already halfway through.

About the Walking With You series:

For those walking the path of grieving the loss of a baby or child, we offer grace for the journey and a friend to walk with you…
There are moments on this walk when we feel we cannot go on. Moments when a friend comes alongside us to point us again to the One who sustains us. A friend to
offer a safe haven, a listening ear. A friend who understands. A friend to lift
us in prayer. A friend to allow us to lean on her as she leans on Him. A
friend, who is not afraid to walk through the valley in the rain, with a storm
mounting. She is not afraid because she doesn’t walk alone. Whether you are a
newly bereaved mother or a seasoned mom who has watched the Lord make beauty
from ashes in your life. Whether you need someone to lean on or you are the
shoulder that can bear the burden, we hope you will walk with us as we are
walking with Him. We hope you will join us with our broken umbrellas, with all
our little quirks and imperfections in our various stages on this walk, as His
grace washes over us in the pouring rain.

The series will last six weeks and there will be a different topic each week to write about. You can add a link to your post each week on the SGM (Sufficient Grace Ministries) website. Share your thoughts on the SGM blog and be sure to read what others had to share and show some love and support to them. You can join in whenever you wish and for as many as you are able.

To see all my posts for this series, click here.

Week 1: January 7, 2013 ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?
Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you’ve come to this walk. Also, where are you now in your grief and healing? Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief? Have you been walking this path awhile?

*Click here to join in this week. I look forward to walking with you for this series, friends! :) *

If you are new here, welcome. My name is Hannah Rose.

I am not new to this walk of grief, though at times, I can hardly believe how much time has passed since my two losses. I am the mother of two precious little ones who are at Home with the Lord. I have no living children.

In just under a month, on February 6th, it will be my first child's 4th Heaven Day. That is the day I had an abortion at the age of 19. I was unmarried and completely terrified. If I had known then the inevitable pain and regret that would come as a result of my "choice," I would most likely have a three-year-old right now. I found out my child was due on October 1st, 2009 and have always felt in my heart that he was a boy. I am thankful to have peace in this. I have named him Luke Shiloh, meaning "light and peace," as a testimony to the truth that Jesus Christ brings light in the midst of the deepest darkness and peace to the most broken, aching, longing, desperate hearts. I have my ultrasound photo of Luke, the only photo I will ever have of my first child. I am so thankful for this. I have his name, ultrasound photo, knowledge of his due date, and other keepsake and memorial items...but it hurts knowing that's all there will ever be. I try to picture what he might look like today, but don't even know what to imagine. Would I have placed him for adoption or parented?

On March 16th, it will be my daughter, Lily Katherine's, 3rd Birthday in Heaven. If it weren't for Luke, I probably would have had an abortion with her. I got pregnant with her only a few short months after losing Luke. I was 19, unmarried, and still completely terrified. They are both as much a part of the story as the other. They are both the instruments the Lord used to bring me back to Himself. At times, it feels like so long ago that I held my little flower in my arms...yet at other times, it feels like it was only yesterday. Lily and Katherine both mean "purity." She is a symbol of my purity and redemption in Jesus Christ...and she will forever remain pure and innocent.

There has been much healing in my life since then, yet I know there will always be a piece of me missing...a spot in my heart that is completely and entirely Luke's and Lily's. No other child could ever replace them, nor would I want them to be replaced.

I am not in fresh grief anymore, yet at times my heart aches so tremendously that it feels like it all just happened. Thankfully those feelings come less and less as times goes on. Some say, "time is a healer," but I know that is just not true. Jesus Christ is my Healer. And He has placed His soothing balm over this broken heart of mine. I wouldn't say it gets "easier" as the months and years march by, but somehow His strength is sufficient to bear what would otherwise crush me if my hope were not in Him.

Grief changes, just as the seasons. The grief, the love, has become etched into the very fabric of my being. It is so much a part of me that I cannot even remember life before Luke and Lily. I cannot remember not having a grieving mother's heart. My life is marked as either "before my babies" or "after my babies." The shock of losing Lily has worn off and it is now just a part of me. I can barely remember what it was like before grief and loss were a part of my life. But, you know what? I am okay with that. Because I am who I am because of my two babies of Heaven. God has brought me to dreams and desires that I never would have had (most likely) if it weren't for them. At least, it wouldn't be the same had these things not touched my own life in a most intimate way. My dream is to write a book about the work the Lord has done in my life. My dream is to speak out in any place God gives me the opportunity to share my testimony of LIFE and how He saved a wretch like me!

"There is no pit too deep that God's love is not deeper still." ~Corrie ten Boom

"Her life had moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby." ~Karen Kingsbury in her book, Shades of Blue

Losing Luke and Lily and loving Luke and Lily colors every moment of my every day. Though I don't think of them nonstop, they are always there, in the back of my mind, in the midst of everything. My mom said just as her four living children are always in her thoughts, it is only natural for me as a mother to have my children in my thoughts. Just because they aren't here doesn't change that mother's love. Every day, there are so many reminders of them.

"Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color."

~W.S. Merwin

"However time or circumstance may come between a mother and her child, their lives are interwoven forever." ~Pam Brown

No amount of time could change my love or take away my grief. No separation, not even the grave, could change my mother's heart. I realize that this is a life-long journey, this grief, just as I will forever be a mother. I will never be "over it," but I have accepted it. I am thankful for their lives, despite how it all ended. I am thankful for the gift of knowing them, carrying them, loving them. Thankful I get to call them mine. I am learning that it's okay even if others seem to forget. I know I will never forget and that's what's important.  I am learning how to incorporate them into my life, each day. What it means to honor and love them. What it means to mother my daughter and son of Heaven. I know God has a bigger purpose for their lives than I could ever imagine. I am just beginning to see glimpses into those purposes. I wait on Him to fulfill them in His perfect time and way...

To read more of my story, click here.

Watch the tribute video I made in honor of Lily:

*I'd love for you to become a follower of my blog, either by email or Google Friend Connect...you can do so on the lefthand side of this blog. :)*

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