Sunday, January 19, 2014

Sometimes I Wonder Why

I know that God's plan for Lily's life never included her spending days on Earth...and I have peace in that. Truly, I do. I know that He will use her life more with her in Heaven than He would have if she were on Earth. I am so thankful He has allowed me to trust that...

But, there are times when the grief overwhelms this mother heart of mine. And I wonder, "Why, God? Why my baby? Why my story?"

I am not saying I ever would wish this burden upon anyone else because I wouldn't. I am just wondering, why did God choose me to walk the road of a bereaved mother? If I live a long life, most of my days will be spent without my first-born. I lost a child at 20...that's so young to have to know such a loss and live with it forever.

Grief is messy. And I am going to be honest and say there are times when my heart hurts so much. And I wonder why I was chosen to know this pain, this ache, this longing, this loss?

The Lord had already begun stirring a passion to be a voice for the unborn when I was early in my pregnancy with Lily. As the months wore on, I felt like He was calling me to share my story of LIFE to be a light to those facing similar circumstances. I remember when I was about 18 weeks pregnant and I went to a pregnancy center banquet with my grandmother. I knew that one day, I would stand before a crowd of people, just like the crowd at that banquet in October 2009, and I would share what God did in and for me...

I just thought that I would have my beautiful daughter with me to say this is what we're fighting for...she shows the beauty of LIFE. I never could have dreamed the way God would write the story.

I wish I was facing the challenges of a young, single mama...instead, I must face a lifetime of being a mother who misses two little ones who danced into my heart and left me changed forever. I am left with reminders that they were here. They had weight in this world. And they will have weight in my life forever.

As a friend of mine so often reminds me...I must remember that they are in my future. Maybe I need that reminder. The pain of this Earth and the tears will all be wiped away one sweet day...

My friend "Belle" commented on this post and said something I really like and want to share: "I love the thought that they are in my future.... it is truly beautiful and unlike the other pat things we hear people say, it doesn't seem to diminish their presence in my present nor devalue how they changed the course of my life in the past." Yes, this.

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This post left me:

3 comments:

  1. Beautiful words as always. sending lots of hugs and love your way.

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  2. I love the thought that they are in my future.... it is truly beautiful and unlike the other pat things we hear people say, it doesn't seem to diminish their presence in my present nor devalue how they changed the course of my life in the past.....

    i too wonder why on occasion.... and then on a rare few days, i have wondered if i would change what happened knowing that it would also change who i have become... deep thoughts, no real answer...

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  3. Your writing is very soft and soothing and a wonderful reminder of the promises God has for our lives.

    When my heart aches and it feels like everything I am made of comes crashing down suddenly I find myself wondering the same.
    Why my son? Why Cameron?

    It was recently when I heard a small but familiar voice say a simple and familiar phrase:
    "Trust me"

    God's plan is so much greater and better than our own and the end is better than the beginning.
    This post is a pleasant reminder of that..that day when God is standing at the doorway with our little blessings.

    I love this. Thank you.

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