29 and Feeling Fine

My 29th birthday was this month, on August 12th, and I thought it'd be fun to share highlights/memories/milestones from each of my 29 years thus far 😄❤️🌹🎈🎉🎂🎁 #1989baby :

1 - I was probably being all adorable and learning to walk and talk. 😇

2 - Doing what 2-year-olds do... Hopefully growing some more hair. 😜

3 - Definitely noticing kitties by this age. 🐱

4 - My sweet little sister Emmaline was born. I still remember holding her for the first time and how much I loved babies even then. 🍼

5 - I used to line all my dolls and stuffed animals up to attend school and I was their teacher. 🍎 I also liked to report the news. Once I very seriously reported that "George Washington had a very had day today." ;)

6 - Some of my fondest memories are of living in the country in Earlysville, Virginia. I loved having big twin brothers to go on fun adventures with! 😍

7 - I got my first American Girl doll for Christmas that year and thus began my great love for AG.

8 - Moved to Carolina for the first time 🌻

9 - Met my childhood best friend 👭 ... nearly choked to death, but my mother saved my life 😯🙏

10 - Attended public school for the first time 😳

11 - Hello, acne 😩

12 - Middle school. 'Nough said. All I can say is I would definitely not wish to relive those years of awkwardness and mean kids. 😒

13 - There was a group of us 5 best friends that we called "the Quints" 😄

14 - Started high-school 😎

15 - Got my Driver's Permit 🚙

16 - Spent my sweet 16 birthday at Emerald Isle... got my Driver's License! 🌊🐚

17 - Traveled to NYC and Colorado for the first time... Graduated from high-school! 🌃 🎓

18 - Went to college in Tennessee and ran on the cross-country team ✏️

19 - Most difficult year of my life. God used the experiences of this year and the next to transform my life and teach me how beautiful redemption is. ❤️

20 - My sweet Lily girl was born! 💕🌸

21 - A lot of blogging and healing 💻 ... Worked at an Italian restaurant. 🇮🇹🍴

22 - Started public speaking and sharing my story around the country! 🎤 Spent a season at Ellerslie in Colorado 🌻 ... Got into photography  📷

23 - Remember how I started loving American Girl as a girl? Well, this year I got to go to the AG store in Chicago and I was probably more excited than I should have been. My cousin Daniel aptly described it when he said it was my childhood dream come true... just 15 years late. 😏 I nannied a lot that year.

24 - Decided to go back to school to finish my undergrad degree! Volunteered at a Pregnancy Center... My brother Joseph and bestie Kala got married! 💍

25 - Quarter of a century! Got involved with the Perinatal Bereavement Committee at the hospital in Raleigh where Lily was born and created my comfort boxes for families walking through infant loss. 💕

26 - I graduated with my Bachelors Degree and my amazing niece Harvest was born! Spent another season in Colorado! 🎓

27 - Bumma went to be with Jesus

28 - Moved to Virginia on an adventure of trusting God and growing as a person.

29 - Starting my Masters program (oh yeah, I still have to share that news with you all!)... who knows what else?? 😍💭 #29andfeelingfine

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He Numbers Our Days

There are so many posts I need to share!

August 12th was my 29th birthday. I always get reflective about life and Lily around this time of year. 🎈🌹

I was born six days before my due date. I can't help but think how if Lily were also born six days before her due date, she would have most likely lived.

When my mom was in labor with me, my heart kept decelerating. The doctors were becoming increasingly alarmed and kept saying how they might have to do an emergency c-section. When I was born, the bottoms of my feet were dark and I was unresponsive at first. Obviously I quickly did become responsive and there were no lasting issues.

Things could have turned out entirely different on the day I was born. How easily my parents could have lost me. My own frailty and birth story is a reminder to me of everything I have lost with Lily. She was my mini-me, looking similar to me at birth, with almost the exact same measurements.

me on the left and Lily on the right

She was just as real and loved as me. I could have easily slipped away on August 12th, 1989, just like Lily slipped away from me. The last 29 years my parents have had with me could have been erased in an instant... all the memories, the laughter, the knowing of who I was growing up and who I've grown up to become would have been no more. Lily wouldn't have even been had August 12th gone differently. Every August 12th since 1989 would have been much like every March 16th has been for me since 2010.

Having lost my own daughter, knowing many people who have or had infertility issues (including my parents) and those who've lost children in many different ways, and seeing how I myself could have nearly died is a reminder of just how precious life is, and what a miracle it is to be conceived, born alive, and have the gift of growing up. May we never forget what a beautiful thing it is to be alive.

Thinking about my own birth and all my life has held up until this point highlights all that I'm missing with my own little girl. One life holds so much and I won't know any of what Lily's would have held beyond the womb.

I'm clinging to the truth that the Lord numbered both of our days and is sovereign... "In Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." ~Psalm 139:16

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The Difference Between Us

Do you want to know what the difference is between the two babies represented by these birth certificates?

The difference is 20 years between birth dates. The difference is Virginia and North Carolina. The difference is merely an ounce between birth weights, with the same length. There is not much difference in their looks either.

They both were full-term baby girls when they were born. They both bear the names of flowers. They are both immensely loved.

Yet, one was born with breath and the other was not. One got to grow up and the other didn't. One celebrated her 29th birthday a few days ago and the other never will.

One is me and the other is my daughter.

That one breath changed the fact that I got one kind of birth certificate and she got another.

One. Single. Breath.

Separates her mattering and counting in other's minds versus not.

It shouldn't. ❤️

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