He Numbers Our Days

There are so many posts I need to share!

August 12th was my 29th birthday. I always get reflective about life and Lily around this time of year. 🎈🌹

I was born six days before my due date. I can't help but think how if Lily were also born six days before her due date, she would have most likely lived.

When my mom was in labor with me, my heart kept decelerating. The doctors were becoming increasingly alarmed and kept saying how they might have to do an emergency c-section. When I was born, the bottoms of my feet were dark and I was unresponsive at first. Obviously I quickly did become responsive and there were no lasting issues.

Things could have turned out entirely different on the day I was born. How easily my parents could have lost me. My own frailty and birth story is a reminder to me of everything I have lost with Lily. She was my mini-me, looking similar to me at birth, with almost the exact same measurements.

me on the left and Lily on the right

She was just as real and loved as me. I could have easily slipped away on August 12th, 1989, just like Lily slipped away from me. The last 29 years my parents have had with me could have been erased in an instant... all the memories, the laughter, the knowing of who I was growing up and who I've grown up to become would have been no more. Lily wouldn't have even been had August 12th gone differently. Every August 12th since 1989 would have been much like every March 16th has been for me since 2010.

Having lost my own daughter, knowing many people who have or had infertility issues (including my parents) and those who've lost children in many different ways, and seeing how I myself could have nearly died is a reminder of just how precious life is, and what a miracle it is to be conceived, born alive, and have the gift of growing up. May we never forget what a beautiful thing it is to be alive.

Thinking about my own birth and all my life has held up until this point highlights all that I'm missing with my own little girl. One life holds so much and I won't know any of what Lily's would have held beyond the womb.

I'm clinging to the truth that the Lord numbered both of our days and is sovereign... "In Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." ~Psalm 139:16

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He Numbers Our Days

Tomorrow, August 12th, is my 28th birthday. 🎈🌹

I was born six days before my due date. I can't help but think how if Lily were also born six days before her due date, she would have most likely lived.

When my mom was in labor with me, my heart kept decelerating. The doctors were becoming increasingly alarmed and kept saying how they might have to do an emergency c-section. When I was born, the bottoms of my feet were dark and I was unresponsive at first. Obviously I quickly did become responsive and there were no lasting issues.

Things could have turned out entirely different on the day I was born. How easily my parents could have lost me. My own frailty and birth story is a reminder to me of everything I have lost with Lily. She was my mini-me, looking similar to me at birth, with almost the exact same measurements.

me on the left and Lily on the right

She was just as real and loved as me. I could have easily slipped away on August 12th, 1989, just like Lily slipped away from me. The last 28 years my parents have had with me could have been erased in an instant... all the memories, the laughter, the knowing of who I was growing up and who I've grown up to become would have been no more. Lily wouldn't have even been had August 12th gone differently. Every August 12th since 1989 would have been much like every March 16th has been for me since 2010.

Having lost my own daughter, knowing many people who have or had infertility issues (including my parents) and those who've lost children in many different ways, and seeing how I myself could have nearly died is a reminder of just how precious life is, and what a miracle it is to be conceived, born alive, and have the gift of growing up. May we never forget what a beautiful thing it is to be alive.

Thinking about my own birth and all my life has held up until this point highlights all that I'm missing with my own little girl. One life holds so much and I won't know any of what Lily's would have held beyond the womb.

I'm clinging to the truth that the Lord numbered both of our days and is sovereign... "In Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." ~Psalm 139:16

I'm looking forward to spending my special day in Virginia, surrounded by friends and family... but I sure will be missing Lily and Bumma.

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Her in Me and Me in Her

The intricate details of her beautiful feminine face are known so completely by her mommy. So much so that when I see a picture of myself, I see Lily's face in mine. I see her in me and me in her.

It seems appropriate for us to share looks, as we shared everything else. Her heart both sprang to life and ceased in my body. She shared my body, making it her cozy home for the duration of her earthly life. She bears the name of a flower as I do. Her cells still live in me and her heart still beats with each beat of my own. Her legacy resides somewhere inside of my own, with our stories and purposes so closely woven together.

Our hearts know each other, reaching across realms, unaltered by the separation of the grave. We are tied together in Christ and nothing separates those found in His love. We may have never locked eyes, never had a conversation back and forth, but our mother-daughter connection is so much more than that. How could it not be? Her bones and flesh grew inside the form that is my bones and flesh. I felt her life. With each gentle or not-so-gentle movement inside of me, with each sound of her heartbeat of dance on the ultrasound machine, it was as if she was telling me all the words she'd never get to say.

I cherish you, my sweet daughter of Heaven... I cherish all you were to me while your heart beat here and all you are to me still.

"She never knew just how deeply she could love until she stood on one side of the veil and her child on the other, her feet rooted on Earth and her heart forever reaching towards Heaven." -Jessi Snapp 💖

Here are our newborn pictures that resemble each other too (me on the left and Lily on the right).

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He Numbers Our Days

Yesterday, August 12th, was my 27th birthday. 🎈🌹

I was born six days before my due date. I can't help but think how if Lily were also born six days before her due date, she would have most likely lived.

When my mom was in labor with me, my heart kept decelerating. The doctors were becoming increasingly alarmed and kept saying how they might have to do an emergency c-section. When I was born, the bottoms of my feet were dark and I was unresponsive at first. Obviously I quickly did become responsive and there were no lasting issues.

Things could have turned out entirely different on the day I was born. How easily my parents could have lost me. My own frailty and birth story is a reminder to me of everything I have lost with Lily. She was my mini-me, looking similar to me at birth, with almost the exact same measurements.

me on the left and Lily on the right

She was just as real and loved as me. I could have easily slipped away on August 12th, 1989, just like Lily slipped away from me. The last 27 years my parents have had with me could have been erased in an instant... all the memories, the laughter, the knowing of who I was growing up and who I've grown up to become would have been no more. Lily wouldn't have even been had August 12th gone differently. Every August 12th since 1989 would have been much like every March 16th has been for me since 2010.

Having lost my own daughter, knowing many people who have or had infertility issues (including my parents) and those who've lost children in many different ways, and seeing how I myself could have nearly died is a reminder of just how precious life is, and what a miracle it is to be conceived, born alive, and have the gift of growing up. May we never forget what a beautiful thing it is to be alive.

Thinking about my own birth and all my life has held up until this point highlights all that I'm missing with my own little girl. One life holds so much and I won't know any of what Lily's would have held beyond the womb.

I'm clinging to the truth that the Lord numbered both of our days and is sovereign... "In Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." -Psalm 139:16

I had a wonderful birthday and the celebration is continuing this weekend in Virginia... will update more later. :)

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My 26th Birthday!

This post was in my drafts and I realized I never published it, so here it is a few months late.

I wore a "Lily" necklace and my butterfly earrings for my girl

On August 12th, I celebrated my 26th birthday. It was a wonderful day. I spent it in Virginia, the very area of the country that I was born, surrounded by treasured friends and family. 

my Birthday Eve sunset

the beautiful Virginia summer sky on my birthday

The weather was amazing, my Aunt Nana made French toast for breakfast, we went to the Charlottesville downtown mall to have dumplings for lunch, then found our way into a cat store. ;) 

it was appropriate to go here on my birthday

my darling grandmother 

We visited Lily's spot and took her a bouquet of pink roses. It was incredibly special to visit her on my day. 

Bumma and I at Lily's spot

pink roses for my little flower

with my brother, grandmother, and sister

sister, Emma, and I

We then went up on the mountain to admire the scenery. 

I'll never tire of those mountains

my brother, Adam, and his dog, Bernerd

To finish the day, we ate a delicious dinner at Blue Mountain Brewery. It was a beautiful evening with a breathtaking view and dear friends and family to enjoy it with. 

with my sister, her boyfriend, my brother, aunt, uncle, grandmother, and mother

my birthday dessert that I shared with everyone after they sang "happy birthday" to me

My sister-in-law sent me hilarious birthday memes all day. ;)

I'm looking forward to seeing what the Lord holds for me while I'm 26! Thanks for all the sweet birthday wishes!

I was born six days before my due date. I can't help but think how if Lily were also born six days before her due date, she would have most likely lived.

When my mom was in labor with me, my heart kept decelerating. The doctors were becoming increasingly alarmed and kept saying how they might have to do an emergency c-section. When I was born, the bottoms of my feet were dark and I was unresponsive at first. Obviously I quickly did become responsive and there were no lasting issues.

Things could have turned out entirely different on the day I was born. How easily my parents could have lost me. My own frailty and birth story is a reminder to me of everything I have lost with Lily. She was my mini-me, looking similar to me at birth, with almost the exact same measurements.

I'm on the left and Lily is on the right

She was just as real and loved as me. I could have easily slipped away on August 12th, 1989, just like Lily slipped away from me. The last 26 years my parents have had with me could have been erased in an instant... all the memories, the laughter, the knowing of who I was growing up and who I've grown up to become would have been no more. Lily wouldn't have even been had August 12th gone differently. Every August 12th since 1989 would have been much like every March 16th has been for me since 2010.

Having lost my own daughter, knowing many people who have or had infertility issues (including my parents) and those who've lost children in many different ways, and seeing how I myself could have nearly died is a reminder of just how precious life is, and what a miracle it is to be conceived, born alive, and have the gift of growing up. May we never forget what a beautiful thing it is to be alive.

Thinking about my own birth and all my life has held up until this point highlights all that I'm missing with my own little girl. One life holds so much and I won't know any of what Lily's would have held beyond the womb.

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Mother-Daughter Resemblance

Last Monday (August 12th), I celebrated my 24th birthday. 

I was looking through a scrapbook I made my mom a few years back - it has pictures of me as a baby and photos of my growing up years. I finally found a specific photo that I have been looking for. As soon as Lily was born, I knew she looked like my mini-me. And I remembered this one picture in particular that showed my face well as a newborn. 

I put this photo of me and a photo of Lily side-by-side to see how how we looked alike and I'm struck by the mother-daughter resemblance. The photo on the left is me 24 years ago, just home from the hospital. And on the left is my precious Lily girl at the hospital right after birth. Here we are, both of us at the same age (almost exactly to the day - Lily was born two days past her due date and I was born six days before my due date), just 20 years apart. 

Her nose and lips looked just like mine! And I believe she would have blue eyes like my entire family. The only thing is, my face is all scrunched up because I was a living baby... but, she wasn't. I wonder how she would have looked if she'd been born alive. A lot like her mommy I bet. 

I wonder how she'd look today, at near 3 and half years old. Would she look like I did at that age? 

It hurts seeing the photo of me coming home from the hospital and realizing I never even got to do that with my baby. I never will get to fill a scrapbook of memories made with my girl... the turn of each page marking more years gone by. Each page, Lily looking a little bit older.

Oh my precious mini-me... who would you be today?

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