On Loving the Post-Abortive and Those in Unplanned Pregnancies

As someone who has both had an abortion and chosen LIFE, I want to address the way the Church handles both post-abortive women, as well as women facing unplanned pregnancies. This is a post I've had in my heart for quite a while, and am finally sitting down to actually write it out...

It saddens me deeply when I receive harsh comments from Christians who say nasty things about my abortion. The way this society makes post-abortive women feel really makes my heart hurt. Many women carry the secret of a past abortion for decades because it is a forbidden topic of grief. They suffer in silence because they are terrified of what people might say or think of them, since it was their choice and quite frankly, the Church often paints a woman who has had an abortion as one who is unworthy of forgiveness.

I am here to tell you that women (including me) regret their "choice."

On one hand, many in this society are telling women that having an abortion is "the easy solution" to their "problem" and it is their choice and "no big deal." While on the other hand, others in this society are blaming women for believing these lies and for choosing abortion. We live in a world that is constantly bombarding us with messages of "choice," so why would we be surprised when people believe these messages? I think that the women who choose abortion are often victims of "choice" and have no idea what they are getting themselves into. People around them are saying it's "just a clump of cells and not a real baby." If abortion were not a legal "choice," I never would have chosen to have one (and I know many, many post-abortive women who agree with me).

Once women grasp that it is indeed "a big deal" and they come face-to-face with what they've done and realize not only did they lose their child, but they were the cause of this loss, do they really need Christians telling them they have no reason or right to grieve? Do they need to be called "baby-killers," "heartless," "murderers," etc.? Would we rather women not regret their abortions?

The Church judges and condemns women for choosing to have an abortion, yet what are we doing to encourage women to choose LIFE? Are we supporting them (practically, emotionally, and spiritually) in their moment of crisis? It's easy to say and think whatever we want, but what are we doing to change anything? The unborn and the women in unplanned pregnancies both need to be fought for. We need to pray and ask for God's heart for both sides because He has a plan and purpose for both and loves both equally! Being Pro-Life means being Pro-Every-Life.

When I was in my crisis pregnancy, my parents welcomed me back home with open arms. I pray that the way my parents responded to me in love will be an example to others to also respond in love to women facing similar circumstances. Women who do choose life need to have support and be honored for their choice of life.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, Lily (unwed at the age of 19), I felt ashamed at times for others to notice my growing belly, wondering if they judged me to be a sinful woman, undeserving of love, acceptance and forgiveness. It seemed as if people were looking for a wedding ring on my finger. I think the fear of such harsh judgement is what makes many women choose abortion. They cave in to the lie that it will be easier to live with that secret than it will be to face the hateful shunning and nasty glares of others.

It seems that women are judged if they choose to have an abortion, yet they are also judged if they choose LIFE.

I pray that the Church of Jesus Christ will learn to respond with love and mercy to those in unintended pregnancies, as Jesus responds to each of us in our sin. Rather than freely exhibiting disapproval, forgiveness and unconditional love needs to flow to the women who are suffering alone in their difficult situation, from which they see no hopeful escape.

Amy Ford, Co-Founder of Embrace Grace, said this on her twitter page this morning:

"What if a scared girl has a crisis pregnancy and she immediately knew three options:   abortion, adoption or keep and the Church will help."

What is Embrace Grace? Here is a little description from their facebook page:

Embrace Grace is an organization (pending non-profit status) formed for the purpose of providing emotional, practical and spiritual support for single young girls that find themselves with an unplanned pregnancy. The primary goal of Embrace Grace is to empower churches across the nation to be a safe and non-judging place for the girls to run to when they find out they are pregnant, instead of the last because of shame and guilt. We provide curriculum for the churches as well as offer grants to organizations that may not be able to afford the expenses involved with helping young women with crisis pregnancies. If the church, the body of Christ, would join together to support these girls that choose life, young moms will be more open to not abort their baby. Whether they keep their baby or place for adoption, Embrace Grace is a support system for them as they begin their journey of being a young mother or blessing another family with their baby. Emotionally and spiritually healthy mommies parent emotionally and spiritually healthy babies. Through the Embrace Grace program, lives are saved and generations are being changed. God loves these babies and their mommies and we do too.

Please, take the time to check out this amazing ministry and consider supporting them in whatever way you can. I pray God opens up Churches in this way across the country and world!

So, how can the Church be a support?

It's crucial, when ministering to these women, to remain calm and remember that God knew about these children before the creation of the world. Though it may be appalling to you, He is not surprised. Although sexual sin is wrong, it is not unpardonable, and the precious lives conceived are innocent of the sin involved. Just as the unborn are deserving of compassion from their mothers, women who end up with unplanned pregnancies, as well as those who are post-abortive, are deserving of compassion afforded them from the Body of Christ. Just because the Church links with these hurting women in a loving show of support does not indicate moral weakness within the Church body. On the contrary, such support displays Jesus' character. Once sin has been remorsely confessed and repented of, congregations are called upon to welcome the women back into fellowship, forgiving them of their sins and focusing on loving them throughout their pregnancies.

Practically, the Church can pray with and for these women and their babies; provide support as a listening ear and shoulder to cry on; offer words of hope and encouragement; remind them that God has a plan and purpose for their lives and the lives of their unborn children; drive them to necessary appointments, including offering to take them to a Crisis Pregnancy Center where they can hear and evaluate all possible options, take classes and acquire necessary supplies to help them care properly for their babies; give them baby showers; lend maternity clothes; provide free childcare; help them obtain employment and housing if necessary, etc.

It is necessary to promote all aspects of life in our Churches: teaching the value and dignity of human life at every age, participation with Crisis Pregnancy Centers, walks for life, speaking out on Sanctity of Life Sunday in January, being willing to not just support adoption, but actually adopt, and demonstrating loving action as you live out the pro-life message. It is positive life-affirming action to lead Bible studies specifically geared to living with the repercussions of abortion, and inviting speakers equipped to aid post-abortive women to share healing testimonies and stories of comfort and hope.

I am working on a post where I will share more practical ideas for how to get involved in standing for LIFE.

We can be Pro-Life and against abortion, yet loving, kind, merciful, and compassionate to those who have had an abortion (just as Christ doesn't condone our sin, yet He loves us in the midst of it).

No matter what anybody says to or about me, I will never quiet. I will love my Luke into Eternity and I will keep my promise to him alive as long as I am - I will be his voice!

May we show others the very mercy that Christ has shown us, instead of kicking the wounded when they are down. Abortion isn't worse than other sins, though humans may put it a category of it's own. God is mighty to forgive us and wash us clean of each and every sin. As Corrie ten Boom said, "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."

Before judging, may we remove the plank from our own eyes (Matthew 7:5) and drop our stones (John 8:1-11).

I want to add that I realize not every Christian responds in an unloving manner and I appreciate those of you who are already showing the mercy and love of Jesus!

Please listen to this song and let the words sink into the depths of your heart...then pray and ask God how He's asking you to move!

Jesus, Friend of Sinners
Casting Crowns

Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

Yeah...

Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees
Nobody knows what we're for only what we're against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours

And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
Yeah...
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

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Luke and Lucy

"Gone Too Soon" by Stephanie Dyer of Beyond
Words Designs. This beautiful painting reminds
me so much of Luke and Lucy because they
were gone too soon from this world. It
portrays a mother who has lost her baby
 early in pregnancy.

In mid-November, I received an email from a girl who has since become a good friend of mine. Brittany found my blog address on the memorial wall at the National Memorial for the Unborn, which I left on a piece of paper there on Mother's Day 2011 (when my brother and I visited with some friends). It caught her attention because she also blogs and she wanted to read my story.

It turns out we have a lot in common and lots to talk about...we are now "email pen-pals" and write back and forth at least a couple times a week. It's always so fun to see something from her in my inbox! :) In just a month and a half, I feel like I've gotten to know Brittany so well. We never seem to run out of things to share with each other.

We have a lot of the same beliefs about Jesus and life and have a very special connection because of two precious little ones that came and went in 2009...we both regretfully had abortions at the ages of 17 and 19. And those two babies have changed us forever. A big part of who we both are now is because of them. We were both also the same gestation - 6 weeks - when we had our abortions. Brittany has a name plate for her baby on the wall at NMU, just like I will be placing a plate on the wall for Luke.

I have tried to find other stories of young women like myself who regret their abortions...who have named their baby...who love the National Memorial for the Unborn...who are passionate about LIFE and standing up for LIFE...who believe that it's important to honor these babies short time on earth in beautiful ways. I have found that in Brittany and I am so thankful to the Lord for her sweet friendship.

Brittany named her baby Lucy Marie, who she feels God has revealed to her is a girl. Lucy's name is even close to Luke's name...And Luke, Lucy, and Lily all begin with an "L" and have four letters.

I want to be a Pro-Life speaker and share my story and so does Brittany! We talk about sharing our stories together one day - how amazing that would be! Brittany will be speaking in front of a large church for Sanctity of Life Sunday in January, so pray that God speaks through her! Pray that someone may hear her story and choose LIFE if they are in an unplanned pregnancy or find healing if they've had an abortion and are living in shame and guilt.

We enjoy talking about all sorts of things from our day-to-day life. But we especially love having someone to talk to that understands this grief and this love.

I can see many reasons why God brought Brittany's friendship into my life. We are able to encourage each other in our journeys without our babies, cheer each other on in speaking out for LIFE and share resources that have been a part of our healing. We also enjoy talking about our dreams to be a voice for life and share different ideas for ways to get involved, as well as different things going on in the "Pro-Life movement." It is nice to have someone who is comfortable talking about Luke with me and loves and remembers him with me. Often times with others, it can feel somewhat awkward to talk about Luke. I feel no judgement or condemnation with Brittany...just someone who "gets it" and understands the hope and healing I have found in Christ. Yet she also understands that this is something I will carry with me forever. So many people think that those who have had an abortion have no right to grieve that loss since it was their choice. Brittany and I hope to show people that it is okay to grieve your baby, no matter how he/she was lost! (I have a lot more to say on this and will be posting about it soon). It is my honor and joy to remember Lucy with Brittany. For Christmas, we did an ornament swap in honor of Lucy and Luke (which I will be posting about in my next blog entry).

Another thing God has revealed to me...I have slowly been dealing more with the loss of Luke through the years. Everything with Lily happened so fast and so soon after losing Luke, that I haven't truly processed and worked through everything with him yet because I was so focused on her. I honestly didn't even realize there was more with Luke that I needed to deal with until Brittany and I started writing. She has encouraged me to find a Post-Abortion Bible study small group to work through at a local Pregnancy Center. I have thought of doing this before, but couldn't find anything in my search. She found one for me online and I will now be starting the study in January. I doubt I would have decided to do this, or even found a local study, at least at this time in my life if it weren't for her. I know that God supernaturally healed me from my abortion when I chose LIFE for Lily, and I know where I am in Christ and that I am washed whiter than snow, redeemed, and set free...but I believe there may be things deep down in my heart that are still buried and that the Lord desires to bring to the surface to deal with. I don't want to leave anything unhealed when I know God desires to heal every bit of my heart and life! If Brittany hadn't of told me how much going through a study helped her, I might have thought I didn't need it.

I also really want to start volunteering at a Crisis Pregnancy Center next year and I want to be completely ready for that and do everything I can to prepare. I have already worked through a Bible study and have dealt with my grief over losing Lily. I am not sure exactly what I want to do at the Pregnancy Center, but I have felt God drawing me in that direction for a while. Before, it didn't quite feel like the right time, but now it does. Brittany also volunteers at her local Crisis Pregnancy Center and is part of the reason I have decided to pursue this. She mainly works in the Post-Abortion ministry (which is some of what she will be speaking about in January, along with sharing her story). It has been nice to ask her questions about what it's like to volunteer and what not. We are able to share our different experiences with each other, which has been a huge blessing. Since talking with Brittany, God has stirred in me more of a heart for Post-Abortive men and women. I feel him calling me to step out more in this area and will be sharing more of that soon.

Brittany lives very close to the National Memorial for the Unborn and will be coming to Luke's Remembrance Ceremony when I have it there in the spring (I have a date on my mind and hope it works out). It will be wonderful to meet her in person, give her a big hug, and remember both our babies together. I am so happy she will get to be there! She had a Memorial Service for Lucy there and has given me ideas for what to include in Luke's Service. When I place Luke's name plate on the memorial wall, it will be right above Lucy's! They are saving the spot for me. It will be very special and sweet to know their plates are right by each other. I like to picture them being friends in Heaven. And I know one day, Brittany and I will meet our precious babies. I look forward to meeting Lucy too!

At NMU, they have a wall where people are free to leave remembrance items for their babies. Since Brittany lives so close, she has offered to take things there for me that I want to leave for Luke. I will mail it to her and she will take it for me. Items can be left on the wall for only a year, so when that times ends, Brittany said she will mail them back to me, so I can keep the things in Luke's memory box. How thoughtful and sweet of her! :)

I have loved sharing different resources with Brittany as well as ideas to honor and remember Lucy. It has been so special to share with her ways I had chosen to memorialize Luke. Just talking about him so much has helped me process things more and connect with him more, as my child. I feel a deeper love in my heart for Luke now. I thank the Lord for this precious friendship that has drawn me closer to my son. I look forward to lots more emails to be exchanged with my new friend! :)

Today is a very significant day for Brittany, one that I want to recognize. Today is Lucy's 3rd "Heaven Day." December 29th, 2009. Today is also the date a year ago that I first saw Luke's ultrasound photo.

I lit a candle today in honor of Lucy on her
Heaven Day. I took a photo with an angel
because angels remind Brittany of Lucy. :)

Lucy and Brittany, I am thinking of you both today. You are very special to me already and are on my heart and in my thoughts often. Lucy, your beautiful legacy will live on. I know you and Luke must be the best of buddies in Heaven! I can't wait to meet you, little girl! Your mommy is a precious friend to me and a wonderful mommy for you to have...She will always be your voice. Much love always, Hannah Rose

Photo by Carly Marie

You can read more about Brittany's story on her blog in honor of Lucy, called Her Name is Lucy.

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Light and Peace

It's a new year and a new step in my journey of healing and grieving. I decided to share the name I've picked out for my first baby. Though I had my abortion when he was six weeks gestation (much to early to discover the sex) I firmly believe the Lord has revealed to me this baby was a boy. Just as I knew Lily was a girl from the beginning of my pregnancy, I just know this baby was a boy. It's amazing how God can reveal that to you. I feel He showed me that with Lily so that when I'm here on this journey of grief over my first child, I can have the peace and confidence in knowing he's a boy. My mom also said a couple nights ago that she strongly feels he was a boy. My whole life I always believed I'd mother a boy first and now I have peace that I do. :)

In order to have a name or an identity, one must exist. To exist can never be past tense. The Bible tells us to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. My dear child not only existed at one time on earth, growing quietly hidden from all eyes within my womb, but has since existed in my heart. And now exists in Heaven with the King of all Kings. In knowing Him, I know my first child. My child who now exists in the only perfect place there is. My little boy who is now with his little sister, Lily Katherine, in Heaven. When I meet him there, I will know more than just his name...

Anyways, I feel there are many steps in this journey. Sharing my testimony was a big one. Getting the ultrasound picture from Planned Parenthood was a big one. And now naming my child is the next step. For a couple years, I've wanted to name him, but didn't want to do so until I was sure the Lord was revealing to me the gender of the baby. Now that I have peace in that, I didn't want to name him until I was sure it was a name God was giving me, not just any old name. It was frustrating because I didn't want to rush naming him, but also didn't want to keep referring to him as "my first baby." I prayed it would be as beautiful and orchestrated by God as my daughter, Lily Katherine's, name was.

Well, there were two names that kept coming back to my mind. The middle name was one that I never would have considered naming my child, but it just kept coming back. I decided to look up the meaning of both names and was in awe over the beauty and depth of the meaning. It couldn't be more perfect for my story. I see God's fingerprint all over it. 


The name is  ....


Meaning of Luke: The root exists in Greek as well: the word (leukos) means (1) light, bright, brilliant, of sun light, or (2) of color: white. In the sense of white, the name Luke is related to the Hebrew name Laban, except that the Hebrew root that gave rise to this name never means light-giving. This Greek word for white shows up in words such as (leukainos), meaning to make white, and an enormous array of words like that - from having white blossoms to having white arms or to be with white horses. The noun (luchnos) denotes a portable lamp, and the very fair word (amphiluke) denotes the morning twilight.

Wow.

In the midst of my darkness, my sin, my sorrow, God has brought light. He lifted me up out of my pit, cleaned me off, and set me on a firm Rock. My story looks like one of utter darkness, yet look how the Lord has redeemed it and turned it into a beautiful story! Only HE can do that! I am white as snow in the eyes of my Jesus because of His cloak of righteousness around me. He has made me white. He has brought light out of the darkness of my abortion. After the darkness, comes the morning twilight. After my abortion and living in sin has come beauty and redemption, unlike any I could have dreamed. 

"So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light." ~Romans 13:12b...I saw this Scripture written somewhere random yesterday at a good friend's wedding and it was confirmed that this is my baby's name. I have put aside the deeds of darkness in my life, my past behavior and have put on the armor of light. What the enemy meant to destroy me with, God has brought light out of it. As we are willing to bring what is in darkness into the light, the Lord heals...

Meaning of Shiloh: Hebrew-Peace. Possibly a symbolic name for the Messiah, Jesus Christ.

The Lord has brought complete peace and healing to my heart. Things that would take those in the world many decades to heal from, Jesus Christ brings healing with a single breath, a single word. He defies all darkness. Also possibly a symbolic name for the Messiah. It serves as a reminder that He is coming and will wipe away every tear and we will have complete peace for eternity with Him. And I will be reunited with both my babies that glorious day.

"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." ~Isaiah 1:18

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." ~Galatians 2:20

I love my precious first child, Luke Shiloh, the very soul that rendered me a mother. I honor and remember him today.

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Evidence of His Life...

For more than two years, I have been wanting to go to the Planned Parenthood where I had my abortion to get my records, in hopes of finding out more information about my first baby and really hoping for an ultrasound photo. I was nervous/anxious/scared to call because I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what they would say. A friend of mine greatly encouraged me and gave me boldness to step out and take that first step in calling them. She shared with me what I should say and that helped a lot. So, I called and said I'd be in town this week and wanted to stop by to get my records. I had no idea whether they'd have an ultrasound photo or not...I mean, I remember getting an ultrasound, but don't recall them printing anything off. I think part of the reason I put it off for so long is because I was scared they wouldn't have one and that would break my heart. I wanted to go in person, rather than dealing with it all by mail, because I knew I would have to show my I.D. and sign some paperwork (by mail it is much more complicated). And I also wanted to be sure they didn't leave out any of my records (specifically my ultrasound images). I felt like it was something that I needed to face in person.

I went to Planned Parenthood this afternoon (December 29th) and asked for my records and said I wanted any ultrasound photos that they might have. My friend told me they usually leave this out when women ask for their records unless you specifically ask for them. The girl looked at me strangely and I could tell she was uncomfortable. I was shaking and so nervous, but prayed for courage and the words to say. The Lord gave me confidence. I was waiting in anticipation to see if they had any photos and I saw her go over to the copy machine. I was so happy! Then, I asked if I could have the original copy and that's when the woman who had counseled me (the manager) when I had my abortion came into the room...she had pulled in right after me. I see that was God's perfect timing. I had almost come a different day and then a different time that day. She said they have to keep the original on file for 10 years and I asked if I could have them before they throw them away and she said nobody has ever asked her that and that she'd have to check for me. Then, she said, "Why do you want them?" She looked alarmed at first and asked if I needed to see somebody about this and I said, "No, the Lord has brought me total healing, but having this photo is very important to me to grieve healthily and honor his life." I felt that was my open door to share a shortened version of my testimony with her...with the very woman who counseled me when I had my abortion! I even mentioned my blog and she wrote it down and said she wanted to read it. The Lord truly put the words in my mouth and it was beautiful to feel His presence there with me. It was very difficult to go back in there after all this time. Then she said she is going to ask if I can have the original copy now, without waiting 7 more years! I truly feel this is a gift from God to have this ultrasound photo...it's another step in this journey of healing and grieving the loss of this precious life. Now, I believe it is time to name this child and respect his life in that way. I also plan on getting a name plate for him (I've always felt this baby is a boy, just as I knew Lily was a girl from the beginning) at the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, Tennessee. I went there last year on Mother's Day (so special!) and it really is such a sacred place. I am also going to get a brick in the garden dedicated to stillborn and miscarried babies for my daughter, Lily Katherine. It's the only place on earth that is in honor of both my babies at once! 

I am greatly inspired to get a memory box together for my baby (something I've wanted to do for a long time as well, but feel it is time now). My first child who matters deeply to me and to God. My first child who I will openly grieve the loss of. My first child who deserves a name and will receive one. My first child, who I just found out today was due on October 1st, 2009 (what a gift in knowing)... My first child, who should be over two years old today. Today, I am so thankful to have this gift, this ultrasound photo...evidence of my first child's life...

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