After Abortion Website

I'm honored to have my little blog featured on the website - After Abortion. It was posted on Sunday, February 12, 2012. I pray that the Lord would lead people to my page and my story that are hurting from an abortion and in search of truth...in search of Jesus, whether they realize it or not. He is enough. Run to Him.

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Faces for LIFE!

The stories listed below are the stories of men and women who have been affected by abortion. It is such a big thing in our world today and lives are touching abortion more than most realize. It is not a political issue, but an issue of life and death. Please open your heart and read these testimonies. 


The faces represented are...abortion survivors, women who were conceived in rape, women in unplanned pregnancies, women who have chosen life for their baby and either chose to parent, place for adoption, or had a baby born into Heaven, women who have chosen an abortion and see the heartbreak it brings, a nurse who held an aborted baby in her arms while he died, men whose girlfriend/wife chose an abortion, and women who received a fatal diagnosis for their baby, were told by doctors that "terminating" the pregnancy would be best, yet decided to carry their baby until Jesus took them to Heaven. Some of these families that got a fatal diagnosis for their baby chose not to abort, like the doctors told them was best, and ended up having a perfectly healthy child. I am better for knowing them all.


Though these men and women are affected in many different ways, there is something that binds them. They know sorrow and pain, yet they speak to the world the redemption and healing that Jesus Christ brings, to any and all situations! These stories show God's heart for everyone affected by abortion, the babies, parents, grandparents, clinic workers, etc...He desires to heal, redeem, transform. No matter how one is affected, He is greater!


I pray that through this compilation of stories, hearts will be stirred, people will begin to grasp the sanctity of all unborn life, babies will be saved, and lives will be healed and changed!

Hannah Rose's Story


Bonnie's Story


Bex's Story

Brittany's Story

Holly's Story


Myah's Story


Amanda's Story


Pearl's Story


Jill's Story


Tricia's Story

Sarah Mae's Story

Destiny's Story


Juda's Story


Carrie's Story


Angie's Story


Pam's Story


Rebecca's Story


Gianna's Story

Sue's Story


Amanda's Story

A Missionary's Story


More Abortion Survivors 


More Stories of Post-Abortive Men and Women


If you want to share your story of how you've been affected by abortion and how the Lord has delivered and healed you, please email me at roseandherlily@gmail.com. The more stories we can share that show the different sides of abortion, the more hearts will change and the truth will be seen! Many blessings!

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Luke Shiloh's Story

All my wrong choices caught up with me in a way I couldn't escape, though I tried. 

February 6, 2009.

Before that week, I never knew such pain was imaginable. The deepest parts of me were shaking, screaming. My soul was crying out for a Mighty Rescuer. Inside of me, I knew the gravity of what I was doing. I tried to run from those feelings that suffocated, but the tears were evidence of a heart broken.

My heart was shattered...and in the deepest pit of despair.

I drove to Planned Parenthood that Friday morning. It seems odd now that it's called Planned Parenthood, like I could somehow change the fact that I was already mothering a babe in my womb. The nausea I was feeling day and night was a constant reminder of this. I had never planned for this. I had never wanted a baby before marriage. I never thought I'd have to deal with such a thing. Funny how nobody ever facing this situation ever thought it would happen to them...

Two of us entered that clinic...my nineteen-year-old, selfish, sinful, broken self and my six-week-old child. Only one of us was able to voice what we wanted. Only one of us made it out alive.

I lost my first child to an abortion. I can't stand that word. I wish there was a prettier word I could use to talk about it. There's not...

I took what was God's and decided I knew what was best. A loss I'll live with the rest of my life. My hands are empty, with nothing tangible to grieve the loss of my first child, flesh of my flesh. Yes, Lily was my firstborn, but not my first child...With Lily, I have her footprints and handprints, photos, a lock of her hair, among many other things. But not with my first child, the very soul that rendered me a mother. It deeply grieves me when I so desperately want to honor and remember this life.

(I don't agree with all of these lyrics, for I believe it's important to name the child and they not go "nameless." However, I can relate to the song in other ways)

My mind often goes back to that place, that place that's hard to go. There's healing there now. But, the what if's will remain. What would my baby be like today if I had chosen LIFE? What color would his eyes be...would he like trains or dinosaurs...what shape would his nose have...what would his first word have been...who would he have grown up to be...a mighty man of God...a voice for unborn life...

(I don't agree with all the lyrics in this song, but I can definitely relate in a lot of ways)

This gift of life...we take it for granted because it's a given, we all have it. But, what if someone took your life before it ever truly began? What if someone screamed so loud they wanted their way that your silent scream, your plead for a chance to live and be loved was smothered out?

Ever thought of it like that?

For this child, my child. And for all the other helpless, innocent ones may we...Be the voice that can't be heard. Their silence is a voice in itself, speaking volumes if only we'd listen. It tells of the lives that never got to be, but were.

They were.

And even if you explain it away, these are souls, not just bodies. And they need a voice. And HE is that voice. And HE is to give me that voice.

I'm hooked. One thought of these helpless lives, and a warrior rises up in me.

My heart bleeds for each of these silent ones. I will not remain silent. I will be a voice. Their voice. His voice. his voice. And I will tell the world of this.

I say his voice, though I was only six weeks gestation, much too early for doctor's to discover the gender. But, just as the Lord showed my mother heart that Lily was a girl long before any doctor could tell me a thing. It was like He said, you have a little girl. Her name is Lily. She's to be a symbol of your renewed innocence and purity in Me. In the same way, He's shown me from the beginning my first child was a boy. I somehow always knew I'd be the mother of a boy first. 

It may seem strange that I would address this child as my son, this child that I aborted. This child that my actions spoke to the world of how I didn't want him. It's important not to forget him. He will always be a part of me, he will always be my first baby. Even though I've been sharing my story and God has brought so much healing, He's shown me that I haven't really acknowledged this child as my own, the way He desires me to. There's still so much more healing He is desiring to work within me. Deep healing. In a way, I suppose I was rejecting this child as my son. There was still a part of me that didn't really believe he was a person. Was it easier just to move on and forget? 

In the last month or so, the Lord has brought that deep healing that I didn't even recognize wasn't yet mine. Not until I recognized and acknowledged that I was and am and always will be his mother. Not until I took that first step and called Planned Parenthood to get my records. I had wanted to do this for more than two years. I hoped to find out more information about my first baby and really hoped for an ultrasound photo. My friend Holly greatly encouraged me and gave me boldness to step out and take that first step in calling them. She shared with me what I should say and that helped a lot. So, I called and said I'd be in town and wanted to stop by to get my records. I had no idea whether they'd have an ultrasound photo or not...I mean, I remember getting an ultrasound, but don't recall them printing anything off. I think part of the reason I put it off for so long is because I was scared they wouldn't have one and that would break my heart. 

I went to Planned Parenthood on the afternoon of December 29, 2011 and asked for my records and said I wanted any ultrasound photos that they might have. Holly told me they usually leave this out when women ask for their records unless you specifically ask for them. The girl looked at me strangely and I could tell she was uncomfortable. I was shaking and so nervous, but prayed for courage and the words to say. The Lord gave me confidence. I was waiting in anticipation to see if they had any photos and I saw her go over to the copy machine. I was so happy! Then, I asked if I could have the original copy and that's when the woman who had counseled me when I had my abortion came into the room...she had pulled in right after me. I see that was God's perfect timing. She said they have to keep the original on file for 10 years and I asked if I could have them before they throw them away and she said nobody has ever asked her that and that she'd have to check for me. Then, she asked, "why do you want them?" She looked alarmed at first and asked if I needed to see somebody about this and I said, "no, the Lord has brought me total healing, but having this photo is very important to me to grieve healthily and honor his life." I felt that was my open door to share a shortened version of my testimony with her...with the very woman who was there when I had my abortion! I even mentioned my blog and she wrote it down and said she wanted to read it. The Lord truly put the words in my mouth and it was beautiful to feel His presence there with me. It was very difficult to go back in there after all this time. Then she said she is going to ask if I can have the original copy now, without waiting 7 more years! I truly feel this is a gift from God to have this ultrasound photo...it's another step in this journey of healing and grieving the loss of this precious life. 

So often I've wondered when his due date was and could only guess sometime in late September. Now, I know it was October 1, 2009. What a gift in knowing. Forever I will remember him on this date. 

After getting the ultrasound photo, I knew it was time to name my baby and respect his life in that way. In order to have a name or an identity, one must exist. To exist can never be past tense. The Bible tells us to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8). My dear child not only existed at one time on earth, growing quietly hidden from all eyes within my womb, but has since existed in my heart. And now exists in Heaven with the King of all Kings. In knowing Him, I know my first child. My child who now exists in the only perfect place there is. My little boy who is now with his little sister, Lily. When I meet him there, I will know more than just his name...

For a couple years, I've wanted to name him, but didn't want to do so until I was sure the Lord was revealing to me the gender of the baby. Now that I have peace in that, I didn't want to name him until I was sure it was a name God was giving me, not just any old name. It was frustrating because I didn't want to rush naming him, but also didn't want to keep referring to him as "my first baby." I prayed it would be as beautiful and orchestrated by God as my daughter, Lily Katherine's, name was.

Well, there were two names that kept coming back to my mind. The middle name was one that I never would have considered naming my child, but it just kept coming back. I decided to look up the meaning of both names and was in awe over the beauty and depth of the meaning. It couldn't be more perfect for my story. I see God's fingerprint all over it. 

The name is  ....

Meaning of Luke: The root exists in Greek as well: the word (leukos) means (1) light, bright, brilliant, of sun light, or (2) of color: white. In the sense of white, the name Luke is related to the Hebrew name Laban, except that the Hebrew root that gave rise to this name never means light-giving. This Greek word for white shows up in words such as (leukainos), meaning to make white, and an enormous array of words like that - from having white blossoms to having white arms or to be with white horses. The noun (luchnos) denotes a portable lamp, and the very fair word (amphiluke) denotes the morning twilight.

Wow.

In the midst of my darkness, my sin, my sorrow, God has brought light. He lifted me up out of my pit, cleaned me off, and set me on a firm Rock. My story looks like one of utter darkness, yet look how the Lord has redeemed it and turned it into a beautiful story! Only HE can do that! I am whiter than snow in the eyes of my Jesus because of His cloak of righteousness around me. He has made me white. He has brought light out of the darkness of my abortion. After the darkness, comes the morning twilight. After my abortion and living in sin has come beauty and redemption, unlike any I could have dreamed. 

"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." -Isaiah 1:18 

"So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light." -Romans 13:12b...I saw this Scripture a couple days ago and it was confirmed that this is my baby's name. I have put aside the deeds of darkness in my life, my past behavior and have put on the armor of light. What the enemy meant to destroy me with, God has brought light out of it. As we are willing to bring what is in darkness into the light, the Lord heals...

Meaning of Shiloh: Hebrew-Peace. Possibly a symbolic name for the Messiah, Jesus Christ.
The Lord has brought complete peace and healing to my heart. Things that would take those in the world many decades to heal from, Jesus Christ brings healing with a single breath, a single word. He defies all darkness. Also possibly a symbolic name for the Messiah. It serves as a reminder that He is coming and will wipe away every tear and we will have complete peace for eternity with Him. And I will be reunited with both my babies that glorious day.

Luke Shiloh, this is because of you...in honor of you...

I'm sure there are many reading this that wonder why I so openly and honestly share this raw and deeply personal part of my story. Nothing in me desires to show what a wretched sinner I am, yet I write because I am compelled. With everything in me, I declare Jesus is Victor, always and it is my desire that whoever reads or hears my story will walk away with that truth in their heart...

Any darkness can be overcome by the precious blood that the Lord Jesus Christ shed for us. And it is only by His blood that we even have testimonies to share! What an honor and a responsibility it is to share hope, truth, and life with those who don't know Him. With each breath, I will sing Him praises and tell of how He transformed my heart and breathed life into my being. I share my story with you because He has told me to do so...He has made the desire so deeply engrained in my heart that I have no choice but to proclaim to all who will hear how He has saved a wretch like me! This isn't my story, it's His story, the story He's chosen to write for my life. I am weak and I am nothing without my precious Lord. Oh, but what a blessing and an honor to be chosen by Him to be the words in His redeeming story of LIFE. I am so incredibly humbled that He would speak through my story.

I will always and forever be the mother of two children that now wait for me in Heaven. No matter how many other children I have in the future that the Lord allows me the blessing of raising them on earth, I will always first be mother to a little boy, Luke Shiloh, and a little girl, Lily Katherine. As their mother, I feel it is my job to keep their memory and their legacy alive. That's why I'm their voice. That's why I share as I do. That's why I make hospital care packages. That's why I have my photography.

All is not lost...Luke Shiloh's life had meaning and purpose and God is using it, even though he's not here. Because of his life, people are seeing how abortion affects women. People are seeing how precious each life is to our God, through the stories of both my precious children. The cry of my heart is that the Lord would use the life of my Luke in the life of another. That through this story, someone else might choose life for their baby. I pray that whoever is reading this will see the gravity of what this all means. Maybe you are in an unplanned pregnancy right now or maybe you will face one in the future. I pray you remember these words, this story, and CHOOSE LIFE. The Lord has you here, reading this, for a purpose. I can truly say I get it because I do. These are not empty words, but words from someone whose walked in those shoes. Twice. The first time, I chose an abortion. The second time, I chose LIFE. And even though my daughter died at fullterm, I would never choose another way. The loss of her is so different than the loss of my son. She died with dignity. My abortion grieves my heart much more intensely than my stillborn daughter. I promise you the Lord will give you what you need to choose life and obey Him. Take it from someone whose chosen both ways.

My first child who matters deeply to me and to God. My first child who I will openly grieve the loss of.  My first child, who should be over two years old today.

I pray that through my story women and men will see the healing God can offer your heart after an abortion. One in four women have had an abortion. That means that many men have been involved in it as well, whether they realize it or not. Because it is something that happens so often, I am sure that there are people who will read these words of mine who have been in these shoes. Don't be afraid to accept your child as your own. It is so important to name him/her. Ask the Lord to reveal to you what gender your baby was. Ask Him what his/her name is. I can tell you from personal experience how healing this is. It is so important that people talk about the issue of abortion and not leave it hidden in the dark. It is not a political issue, but an issue of life and death.

There are women that have lived with the pain, shame, and regret of it for decades. It is time to bring what is in the darkness to the light! It is important we pray for the end of abortion, by praying for hearts and laws to change. I fight for unborn life, but, I also fight for the women in the unplanned pregnancies, as well as those who have already chosen to have an abortion. There are many people that are hurting. I feel that the culture and so many people put the face of a monster on women who've been involved with an abortion and the enemy uses this to keep these women silent. These women are not monsters! And don't pretend like you understand their situations until you walk a mile in their shoes. It is easy to agree with beliefs, never being tested by them yourself. No, these are precious men and women who are loved by God as much as these unborn babies are. He has a plan for both. He desires to heal, redeem, transform. No matter how one is affected, He is greater! Be available to these men and women as a listening ear. Pray for them!

This process of accepting our aborted children may look different for each of us. For me, naming Luke Shiloh and getting his ultrasound photo were the first steps. First of all, I would suggest going to the clinic where you had your abortion and ask for your records and specifically your ultrasound photo. I know this can seem intimidating, but it truly has been very healing for me. I cannot guarantee they'd still have yours, but it doesn't hurt to try. And they only hold it a specific amount of time, so the sooner you try, the better.

Then, I got a plaque for him at the National Memorial for the Unborn. The memorial has an indoor granite memorial wall in honor of babies lost to abortion and gardens outside with brick pavers in honor of babies lost to stillbirth and miscarriage. There is a pregnancy center in the other half of the building and it all sits on the site and in the same building where an abortion clinic was for many years. The entire site has a sacred essence to it, especially the room that is honoring aborted babies. I felt such a deep feeling of reverence in there as I was overwhelmed by all the names on the wall and the special things left behind by grieving family and friends of these lost little ones. It was so moving to read all the letters and poems. I went to visit for the first time on Mother's Day of 2011. What a special gift to be there on that day! A time and place to honor and remember BOTH my babies at once, the only place on earth where I can tangibly do this. What was once a place of great sorrow where thousands of babies were killed is now a place that honors and remembers these lives, a place dedicated to the Lord, a place of hope and healing. Getting this plaque was a huge step for me. It feels like I'm acknowledging he is and always will be my first child. If you've had an abortion, seriously look into getting a plaque made here. You can do it completely anonymously, if you so choose. It is a place of healing, closure, and saying, yes this life mattered and this life truly existed.

This is what my plaque says:

Luke Shiloh
February 6, 2009
Darkness to Light

His name, the day he went to Heaven, and the three perfect words to describe my story and what God has done...I am so excited to receive my copy of it in the mail! And I am planning a trip out to Chattanooga to place the plaque on the wall myself at the service I'm going to have for Luke Shiloh. (Yes, you are able to have beautiful services when you place your plaque and/or brick!) After the service, I will receive a Certificate of Life for him. I plan on video-taping the entire memorial so my future children and husband can be a part of it. I will also be placing the brick paver there in the garden dedicated to miscarried and stillborn babies for my daughter, Lily Katherine. It is so special to have a place to honor and memorialize both my babies at once!

I also am putting together a "In Honor of Luke Shiloh Memorial Box." It is a small, wooden box that my mom has had for several years and gave to me for this purpose. The things I have in it thus far are Luke's ultrasound photo, a hankie with his name embroidered on it, a tea-light candle to light in honor of him on Mother's Day, his due date, and the day he went to Heaven and a tiny painting that reminds me of both my children. I am planning on adding other things to it and will post pictures as I get it more together.


Another way I've chosen to honor Luke's life is by getting his name written at To Write Their Names In The Sand. Carly Marie writes baby's and children's names in the sand under gorgeous sunsets on a beautiful beach called Mullaloo Point in Western Australia, near Perth. It's a way to honor and remember children in Heaven. You can get your child's name written and a tribute post for free. But, you can also purchase the high-resolution images to help continue all the work Carly Marie does. I got Luke's and Lily's names written and will be printing them on canvas to hang on my wall! Carly Marie has literally written thousands of names, in honor of babies and children from all over the world. I am so thankful for these beautiful pictures!

There are also retreat weekends to attend to find healing, such as Project Rachel. A lot of pregnancy centers offer post-abortion Bible studies. If you'd rather do a Bible study by yourself, I recommend "Forgiven and Set Free" by Linda Cochrane.

A balloon release and candle lighting ceremony can be healing ways to honor and remember aborted babies as well. As well as writing your baby a letter or poem. Sharing your story and getting it into the light will bring so much healing and it will show you that your baby's life still can have an impact and purpose, by showing people the truth about abortion and that it destroys lives. It can save other baby's lives!

Again, this process may look different for each person. These are suggestions and ways that the Lord has brought healing into my life. I encourage you to ask the Lord how He's leading you to healing. Remember, it is okay to grieve the loss of your precious baby. The world may tell you it's not okay. I understand that it's the silent grief. Forbidden grief. The enemy wants to keep your abortion in the dark and keep you silent. Don't let him have his way. Only when what is in the darkness is brought to the light can Jesus' healing touch reach your heart and life.

Jesus will meet you where you are. You don't have to live with the sorrow that leaves you breathless, the shame that cripples. You are not alone. If you need someone to talk to as you begin walking down your path towards healing, I am here for you.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3 

"There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." -Corrie ten Boom

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Darkness to light: a story of redemption and life

My life changed forever at the age of 19 when I had an unplanned pregnancy. Growing up in a pro-life family, I never dreamed my beliefs would be tested. It was much less complicated to think of it as a pregnancy, rather than as a baby. I knew what I had to do - have an abortion. Face the consequences of my actions, tell my family what I had done, shame them with an unplanned, teenage pregnancy before marriage, carry and deliver a baby, have shattered plans for my future, or possibly go through the pain that is sure to come with adoption? No, I simply couldn’t. I was weak and vulnerable. I had no other choice, or so I thought. If I had known the depression and guilt that would follow, I would have chosen a different path. I would have given my child a choice. But, in the midst of my heartache and despair, I regret having to say that's not the choice I made. I convinced myself that ending my pregnancy at only six weeks gestation wasn't really an abortion. I wish I had known my child's tiny heart had already begun beating. 

Having an abortion had to be okay because it was legal, I thought to myself. The culture I lived in told me it was my choice and it wasn't a big deal. How did I start to believe the lies? My spirit was breaking over this decision, this impending loss. The tears were proof of this. The tears were proof that deep inside, my heart knew that I was already a mother who was carrying her first babe. 

On February 6th, 2009, I took the RU-486 pill and after a night of darkness, it was over. I was relieved to get back to my normal life. I wanted to move on as if the nightmare had never happened and forget the immense pain. I was deceived into thinking that I could forget about it. The counselor at Planned Parenthood had told me that some initial sadness after my abortion would be normal, but after a couple days, if I was still feeling depressed, that wouldn't be normal and I should seek help. How wrong she was. Much of those days before and after my abortion are a blur of heartbreak and tears. Sleepless nights were spent, with agony at the depths of my heart and soul, rattling me to the core. There was nothing "wrong" with me for feeling that way. 

Trying to forget what I had done, over the next few months, I sought comfort for my wounded, aching heart through partying, drinking, and living promiscuously. I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a pit of destruction and despair. Four months after my abortion, I was pregnant...again. I fooled myself into thinking I would get my life together after what I thought was another necessary abortion. The appointment was set at Planned Parenthood... 

However, Jesus was fighting for me and for my unborn baby. God showed me that if I chose to have another abortion, I couldn't imagine the pain and darkness that would follow. But, if I chose LIFE, I couldn't imagine the beauty that He would bring...Instead of walking through those clinic doors a second time, I chose to walk into the light towards freedom. It was as if the reasoning for abortion fell away when I knew God would be with me every step of my difficult journey. I was at peace knowing I was making the right choice - the choice of LIFE... 

On March 16th, 2010, ready to deliver my full-term daughter, I was told the devastating news that her perfect little heart was no longer beating...I had to deliver the body of my precious flower, Lily Katherine, who had already whispered goodbye before I said hello. I had to give her enough hugs and kisses to last a lifetime. I watched as her tiny white casket was lowered into the opened earth and was showered with tears, rose and lily petals, and dirt. 

My entire life and future has been changed by two babies who never spoke a word or took a breath. Yet, God is speaking through them just how precious and valuable each individual life is. He has a plan and purpose for each beautiful life created in His image. He can take our deepest sorrow and sin and work it together for our good and His glory! Through choosing LIFE for my second child, God brought peace and healing to my heart that was broken from aborting my first. Because of the lives of my two little ones, I now have a passion and a purpose that I wouldn't have if I hadn't had these experiences. 

When you choose LIFE, no matter the outcome, it is the right choice, a choice I've never regretted! However, I will forever regret my abortion and long for the first child of my womb. My precious Luke Shiloh, my son who I will only ever know in Heaven. 

I have realized that all the things that made me choose abortion were temporary problems. Even the things that seem so overwhelming in the moment won't always feel that way. 

Luke Shiloh's name means "light and peace" because that is what God has brought in all of this. He has brought light in the midst of the deepest darkness and peace to my wounded, aching heart. I truly believe the Lord has revealed my first baby was a boy. Lily Katherine's name means "pure and innocent," for she is a symbol of my redemption in Jesus Christ. And she will forever remain pure and innocent. Jesus washes us white as snow. 

Though the Lord has healed, redeemed, and restored me in ways I never could have imagined, there will always and forever be a missing piece of my heart, a void that cannot be filled this side of Heaven. 

Luke Shiloh and Lily Katherine, I once wanted to be rid of you and hoped nobody would ever find out you even existed. Now, I want the world to know you are my children. I promise to always be your voice and to honor you in whatever way I can for as long as I live. Sharing my story isn't easy. Yet, it's because of this promise to my two children of Heaven and my desire to bring glory to Jesus Christ that I do share. I will speak when someone asks me to and I will write when given the opportunity. 

I want all who hear my story to walk away with these truths in their heart - All life is sacred and beautiful and deserves to be protected. Abortion hurts men and women. There is healing to be found, however, you will carry that scar of abortion with you forever. If you choose life, no matter the outcome, you will have no regrets.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." ~Psalm 147:3 

"There is no pit too deep that God's love is not deeper still." ~Corrie ten Boom 

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