Honoring Her Uncle and Grandmother

I'm in South Carolina this week with my sister-in-law, Kala. A couple evenings ago, we visited the country cemetery where some of her relatives are layed to rest, including her uncle who was stillborn.

I hope Lily's life allows others who have had losses in their own family somewhere down the line to connect to that life and loss more intimately.

Kala will never know her uncle or the cousins she might have had. When a baby dies, so does the possibility of many other lives.

We took a flower to his beautiful stone, which also has a lamb on it like Lily's does. I wanted to honor him just by being there and talking about his life, though brief.

I wonder what the experience of his mother, Edna (Kala's grandmother), was like all those decades ago when the loss of a baby was much more hush-hush. I feel it's my responsibility to speak out for the generations of women before me who felt they couldn't.

And I only hope that one day when I'm gone from this world, that people will continue to visit Lily's stone, the one I poured my time and heart into making perfect for her. And I hope they'll bring her flowers and honor her life simply by talking about her and acknowledging her existence. In doing so, they'll honor me as well, as a mother, just as I hope I've done for this mother who is now reunited with her son.

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Typical Motherhood

I recently was asked to read and review Leslie Ludy's latest book, The Set-Apart Woman (which I loved and highly recommend)!

Anyways, it made me remember how last year, I was asked to read and review her book, Set-Apart Motherhood. The last part of the email said, "I know that women would value hearing your perspective as a mother who is currently living these things out in your own life!"

When I received that email, I closed it and didn't want to think about it again.

It is so hard (especially around Mother's Day) to know that I would be a "typical mother," raising my little girl on Earth. I would be able to read a book like that and give my opinion, from my own experience with motherhood. I doubt there is a chapter about what motherhood looks like for me: decorating a grave, writing on a blog, speaking around the country, etc. Motherhood for me is not "typical."

Oh, how I wish I could give other young mothers tips on mothering. I wish I had memories and experience with things like breastfeeding, caring for a newborn, and a toddler, and all the other things that come with a child growing up. I would know about all these things by now, beyond my experience as a nanny. Instead, I only know and have experience with pregnancy and birth, and even that feels like it isn't "counted" by others.

I pray that one day, I will have the gift of experiencing the typical motherhood joys. For now, I will go on mothering Lily and Luke in the ways God has shown me how. And I will go on encouraging and loving on other mamas to babies in Heaven. Our roles as their mothers are no less valuable, important, or real.

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More Evidence of His Hand on My Life

Recently, I have thought about more areas in my life where God has shown Himself to be both sovereign and my faithful provider and protector.

Before I got pregnant with Lily, I was really into partying and drank at least every weekend, but usually more than that. The reason I am sharing this is because God has shown me that when I was pregnant, I didn't drink a single time. Even before I knew I was pregnant or before I knew I was choosing life, I didn't drink a single drop of alcohol. Because of how much I was previously drinking, there is no explanation for this, other than God Himself protecting my baby and me... you see, because Lily died, I have struggled with wondering if I did something to cause her death. If I had known that I had drank during my pregnancy and Lily died, I know that I would have wondered if alcohol had harmed her, maybe even leading to her death. But my baby girl was protected by the God who knew she was alive in my womb before even I did. This might seem like a random story, but to me, it is evidence of God's protection and care. And how He used her to draw me out of that sinful lifestyle.

I am reminded of another story of how God protected little Lily and how He put His love for her within my heart. You can read more in the post I wrote called He Gave Me a Mother's Heart. The gist of the story is how I didn't want to lift boxes that were too heavy that would harm my baby. I was towards the end of my first trimester and God was connecting my heart to Lily's and making it real in my mind that I had a little one within. He gave me the desire to love for and protect her. That was in late August 2009.

I recently remembered another story similar to that. On September 7, 2009 (the day before I told my mom I was pregnant), I went on a hike with family and had a picnic for Labor Day. Here is my Facebook status from that day:

Nobody there knew that I was pregnant, but I distinctly remember thinking that day that I didn't want to overdo it with hiking. I didn't want to work out too hard that day, hiking up the mountain because I didn't want my baby to be hurt in any way. As the weeks passed, God was growing my love for my sweet baby girl!

I also wanted to share something else. When Lily died, I was unsure if I was going to get an autopsy or not. I figured no explanation for her death would bring her back, so what was the point? I also didn't think I could afford it. In my medical records, it even talks about how the patient (me) was unsure about autopsy and how the staff kept discussing it with me until I finally decided to get it done. The only reason I did was because the hospital offered to do it free of charge. I had been praying about whether or not I should do it and felt that was God's answer and provision for me. Recently, I saw some other loss moms discussing how much their autopsy for their baby costed and I was in disbelief that it can cost thousands upon thousands of dollars! God provided that for me because He knew how saddened I would have been had I not had it done. He knew that I would have always wondered the "why" behind her death and that I wouldn't have had closure. And I would have been fearful about future babies dying. He knew that I could not pay for it myself, so He prompted the medical professionals at the hospital to work it out for me. The autopsy showed no conclusive reason for why she died. God used that to speak to my heart that He is bigger than any "medical explanation" and the reason for her death was that He took her because it was her time to go. This is not a medical reason that will affect me in the future (though I will be considered high-risk and will deliver early). 

God's hand has been on all things in my life, even in the small things. I share these stories to declare that He is sovereign and He cares about every aspect of our lives! 

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Bright and Beautiful for Summer

My grandmother decorated Lily's special spot for me with the things I sent her for Mother's Day and the summer months. Beautiful and bright colors... roses and a lily for her vase and a new garden flag.

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Bereaved Mother's Day 2015

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day (formerly Babyloss Mother's Day). It's a day set-apart to honor mothers who have lost children at any age or gestation and for any reason. This special day falls on the first Sunday of each May, the week before traditional Mother's Day. I have been recognizing it since it started in 2010, the year my beloved daughter, Lily Katherine, was born and died. I am thankful for this day since I have no children on Earth to celebrate Mother's Day and it is a very difficult day for me. Bereaved Mother's Day is a day to be loved and supported by others who "get it."

Here is what Carly Marie (the creator of this special day) had to say about it: "This day was created to get people to start talking about the real meaning of Mother's Day. Do you know who started it? Anna Jarvis founded the traditional Mother's Day to honor her mother who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten. This special day was created in 2010 to honor and celebrate the mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mother's Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world. Just because your baby died does not mean that you are not a mother anymore. You are your baby's mother forever and people need to start recognizing this fact."

I'm thinking of all my dear friends who hold their children in their hearts, rather than their arms. Feel free to leave your child's name in the comments section.

I'm bummed out that my mom, our neighbor/friend, and I usually go to a Mother's Day Tea and Tour on this day, but unfortunately it didn't work out this year for different reasons. :(

♥ Lily Katherine and Luke Shiloh ♥

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The Immeasurable Ripple Effects of Her Life

When I think of the thousands of people who have heard Lily's story through the years, from me sharing it through speaking around the country and writing, as well as having opportunities to share through other avenues, I am blown away by the grand plan of my Heavenly Father.

God whispered to my heart in August 2009 that if I chose LIFE for my unborn baby, I couldn't imagine the beauty that He would bring (you can read more of my testimony by clicking HERE if you are unfamiliar with what I'm talking about). In that moment of crisis and decision, I had no idea that He would call my sweet babe Home to be with Him before she ever took her first breath. Yet, I also had no idea all He had planned through my embracing her life. I had no idea that thousands of people would hear about her and come to love her.

She was a tiny baby who was but a seed growing away within me, hidden from all eyes, yet seen by the God of the entire Universe. In that moment, God was fighting for her life and mine. He knew of the breathtakingly beautiful and enormous plan He had for her, even before I ever made my decision. He knew of all the people who would one day be moved by her story. He could see all that even when she was unseen by me. WOW, God is amazing!

Each year around Lily's birthday, I think about how since her last birthday, many more people know about her and the impact she's made in this world. So many dear people I have had the pleasure of meeting because of her.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with my grandmother, Bumma, and telling her all about Lily's birthday. She told me about the different people who were praying for my family and thinking about Lily. And she said something really profound that felt like it was a message I needed to hear straight from the Lord. She told me I need to know that the ripples are out there, the ripple effects of how Lily's life is impacting the world. The ripples go further than what I am seeing and hearing, beyond and above what I know, even if people don't say something to me directly.

I will receive an email or comment or hear from someone about how Lily's life has impacted them and through those things, God will encourage me to keep sharing. Because I see that He is still using her, all these years later, to change hearts. As I have said, Lily is an eternal flower, given as an eternal gift from an eternal God. And her legacy will never fade.

Corrie ten Boom said, "The measure of a life, after all, is not its duration but its donation."

When I am looking more at my pain than at the beauty of Lily's life and legacy, it can be easy to lose sight of all this. But then God cups my face in His hands and shows me He is sovereign and everything has always been in His control. He reminds me that more people know about Lily because of her death than they would have had she lived. And she is making more of an impact not here than she would have if she were here. As I've said before, she was never meant to be a little girl of this world. She was called to be my daughter of Heaven.

A friend of mine once said that God entrusted me with Lily's life and legacy because He knew He could trust me with this particular story that He's writing. It's not a curse to be chosen for this, but a blessing. God knew He could trust me to be Lily and Luke's voice. He knew He could trust me to mother them well, for it was Him who put the love and passion within me in the first place!

When I get up before a crowd of people to speak, I think of that moment when He asked me to surrender my life and future and the life of my unborn child into His hands. He knew what He was doing then and He still does now. He's still asking me to surrender and trust.

And He was right... I never could have dreamed of the beauty that He would bring. As Steven Curtis Chapman sings in his song, "Beauty Will Rise," "It will take our breath away to see the beauty that He's made out of the ashes."

I'm still trying to catch my breath.

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The Life Ballet

I want to share a beautiful ministry and an opportunity to memorialize sweet babies in Heaven.

Here is what The Life Ballet is about, as stated on the website:

"Through film, music, and live productions, The Life Ballet works to share the message of children's rights and healthcare, as well as healing and forgiveness in the wake of choice. Our largest project to date has been creating a film adaptation of The Life Ballet called "Arise Sweet Sarah." The film will be released in September 2015. "Arise Sweet Sarah" also shares a message of the value and importance of all human life, as well as a message of healing, forgiveness and grace in the midst of unthinkable grief in the wake of lost motherhood. It is based on the testimony of Sandy Arena and the uncountable experience of others who have suffered. The story is told through a powerful combination of narration, acting, original score and a combination of modern dance and ballet. Filming took place in Rochester, NY during the summer of 2014."... "Arise Sweet Sarah" is about "One woman's journey of choices and rise to healing in the arms of her King. It's a film about grief. It's a miracle when we find the strength and courage to rise. We choose to arise."

Photo from The Life Ballet Facebook page

I am so excited about this and am greatly anticipating the release. It is a needed message of how "choice" hurts everyone involved and the healing available through Christ. It might be a film about post-abortion regret and healing, but even more than that, it is a celebration of LIFE and the sanctity of each individual life. Sandy Arena has opened up film dedications (follow this link to see the dedications page... be sure to scroll down to see Luke Shiloh and Lily Katherine's names!) to the public, for anyone wanting to honor a child lost to abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, as well as those who passed shortly after birth and those who were placed for adoption. The memorial section will run during the film credits. Sandy told me that one of the memorial songs in the ballet is called "Still," written by a grandparent for their precious grandchild who was stillborn.

On the website, it says, "We dedicate our film "Arise Sweet Sarah" to all the children who never had the chance to dance. To add your dedication to our film credits, please send your child's first and/or first and last name to info@thelifeballet.org. Our goal is to have at least 1000 named babies, the tiniest fraction of the 56 million who have died since abortion was legalized in the United States in 1973."

Photo from The Life Ballet Facebook page

I am so touched to be able to honor both my precious babies in this film. It does my heart good to see their names, saying they existed here on Earth. It's going to be incredibly special to see their names on the DVD when it releases!

To find out much more about this amazing project, be sure to visit the website HERE.

To pre-order the DVD, Soundtrack, a t-shirt, and/or memorial bracelet click HERE.

And be sure to keep up with the project and ministry on the Facebook page HERE.

Here is the official trailer!

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