Bereaved Mother's Day Butterfly Release 💕

Sunday was a beautiful day for a butterfly release!

Thank you to the North Carolina Chapter of the TEARS Foundation for hosting this special event for Bereaved Mother's Day. I had been wishing for some sort of event to gather with fellow bereaved families and mark the day in a special way for years. :)

My family who joined me for the butterfly release... Lily's uncles, auntie, grandmother, mommy, and cousin.

We released ours for Lily Katherine and my Aunt Rachel. Can you spot their names? :) We went around and shared who we were releasing the butterflies for and I told who we are, and who Lily and Rachel are. I shared that my grandmother, Rachel's mother, passed away just 3 weeks ago and I feel it is now my responsibility to always honor Rachel and never forget her. It felt like we were releasing the butterfly for Bumma too, since we shared a love of the little creatures.

We were so touched that they included the grandmothers by giving them their own butterfly.

The little packets that each butterfly came in, with a sweet saying on them. We could hear the butterflies fluttering around.

Harvest waving for cousin Lily and great-aunt Rachel!

About to release our butterflies.

They were Painted Lady butterflies, from the same company where I got mine for Lily's butterfly release a couple years ago!

The flowers that the butterflies were landing on.

With my friend, Ashley.

My butterfly necklace for the butterfly release. And I wore my Lily dress and earrings. :)

The weather was PERFECT! My ideal kind of day... lower 70s with the sun shining, white puffy clouds, and a gentle breeze.

Here is a video of me releasing my butterfly!

My sister-in-law Kala gave both my mom and I a daisy for the day. :)

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Leaf for Lily

Andrea in Australia sent me this photo in honor of Lily for Bereaved Mother's Day. It's Fall there now! 🍂

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Disenfranchised Grief on Mother's Day

This is something I first shared last year leading up to Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is an extremely painful day as a mother without living children.

This year will be my NINTH year as a mother on Mother's Day. That is crazy. How does one mark such a day as a mother to children who live with God?

Mothers who have lost children to abortion and stillbirth are often not understood or their experiences and motherhood acknowledged, leaving them to walk through the loneliness and isolation of disenfranchised grief. This is especially true for those without any living children.

I consider my first Mother's Day as a mother to have been in 2009. I was at Virginia Beach that weekend and would have still been carrying Luke Shiloh. I would have been 19 weeks 3 days gestation, to be exact. Instead, Luke had been with the Lord since 6 weeks gestation. But that doesn't change that he was real and that he made me a mother, whether I wanted to be one yet or not. His heartbeat was real. His DNA was real and would never be repeated again.

The following year, in 2010, would have been my first Mother's Day with Lily Katherine here. She would have been 2 months old at that point. We spent the week at Massanutten and I was going to have a baby shower with Virginia friends and family. Only there was no need for a baby shower and no baby in my arms. She too was with the Lord and Luke.

The ache of Mother's Day gets more pronounced with each passing Spring. How do mothers like me mark such a day? When our love for our children is the same, yet those on the outside looking in can't see them. When we don't have people sending us flowers and gifts, taking us out to eat, or telling us "Happy Mother's Day." When our arms are empty, empty, empty, yet our love and desire to care for our children in tangible ways is just as alive and real as the mothers around us with their children in adorable outfits.

When the only proof of my motherhood is the love I carry, the echo of the memory of the two hearts that beat within, and the marks of motherhood underneath my shirt.

Mothers who have lost children to stillbirth, abortion, or miscarriage, know you are not alone. Your babies matter and are real. Your motherhood is valid and important. Do whatever you need to do to heal and get through Mother's Day... Whether that be staying home from church and avoiding the baby dedications that make you want to scream and run, staying home altogether, making a delicious meal, going for a hike and picnic, listening to beautiful music, getting together with other mothers with similar experiences, getting flowers in your child's honor, staying away from social media, among many other things.

Please feel free to share your child's name and story in the comments section, as well as any ideas for how to mark Mother's Day. 💕

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International Bereaved Mother's Day 💕💐

Sunday was International Bereaved Mother's Day (formerly Babyloss Mother's Day). It's a day set-apart to honor mothers who have lost children at any age or gestation.

This special day falls on the first Sunday of each May, the week before "traditional" Mother's Day. I have been recognizing it since it started in 2010, the year Lily was born and died.

Here is what Carly Marie, the creator of this special day, had to say about it:

"This day was created to get people to start talking about the real meaning of Mother's Day. Do you know who started it? Anna Jarvis founded the traditional Mother's Day to honor her mother who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten. This special day was created in 2010 to honor and celebrate the mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. That traditional Mother's Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world. Just because your baby died does not mean that you are not a mother anymore. You are your baby's mother forever and people need to start recognizing this fact."

Bereaved Mother's Day in no way replaces Mother's Day. What I wish is that there was no need for Bereaved Mother's Day. I wish I didn't even know about it and felt like a "normal" mom on Mother's Day. What the day is about is connecting with other mothers who know your pain and love. It's about bringing awareness to babyloss/child loss. It's about informing others of the real meaning behind Mother's Day.

I'm thinking of all my dear friends who hold their children in their hearts. Please feel free to leave your child's name in the comments. 💕💐 

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Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day (formerly Babyloss Mother's Day). It's a day set-apart to honor mothers who have lost children at any age or gestation and for any reason.

This special day falls on the first Sunday of each May, the week before "traditional" Mother's Day. I have been recognizing it since it started in 2010, the year Lily was born and died. I am thankful for this day since I have no children on Earth to celebrate Mother's Day with and it is a very difficult day for me.

Here is what Carly Marie, the creator of this special day, had to say about it: "This day was created to get people to start talking about the real meaning of Mother's Day. Do you know who started it? Anna Jarvis founded the traditional Mother's Day to honor her mother who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten. This special day was created in 2010 to honor and celebrate the mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. That traditional Mother's Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world. Just because your baby died does not mean that you are not a mother anymore. You are your baby's mother forever and people need to start recognizing this fact."

I'm thinking of all my dear friends who hold their children in their hearts today. Please feel free to leave your child's name in the comments.

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Bereaved Mother's Day 2015

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day (formerly Babyloss Mother's Day). It's a day set-apart to honor mothers who have lost children at any age or gestation and for any reason. This special day falls on the first Sunday of each May, the week before traditional Mother's Day. I have been recognizing it since it started in 2010, the year my beloved daughter, Lily Katherine, was born and died. I am thankful for this day since I have no children on Earth to celebrate Mother's Day and it is a very difficult day for me. Bereaved Mother's Day is a day to be loved and supported by others who "get it."

Here is what Carly Marie (the creator of this special day) had to say about it: "This day was created to get people to start talking about the real meaning of Mother's Day. Do you know who started it? Anna Jarvis founded the traditional Mother's Day to honor her mother who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten. This special day was created in 2010 to honor and celebrate the mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mother's Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world. Just because your baby died does not mean that you are not a mother anymore. You are your baby's mother forever and people need to start recognizing this fact."

I'm thinking of all my dear friends who hold their children in their hearts, rather than their arms. Feel free to leave your child's name in the comments section.

I'm bummed out that my mom, our neighbor/friend, and I usually go to a Mother's Day Tea and Tour on this day, but unfortunately it didn't work out this year for different reasons. :(

♥ Lily Katherine and Luke Shiloh ♥

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International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is a special day to me. It is something that most people have never even heard of and have no need to hear of it. Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day, formerly International Babylost Mother's Day. It's a day set-apart to honor mothers who have lost children. This special day falls on the first Sunday of each May, the week before traditional Mother's Day. I have been recognizing it since it started in 2010, the year my daughter was born and died. I am thankful for this day since I have no children on earth to celebrate Mother's Day and it is a very difficult day for me. Bereaved Mother's Day is a day to be loved and supported by others who "get it."

Here is what Carly Marie (the creator of this special day) had to say about it:

"This day was created to get people to start talking about the real meaning of Mother’s Day. Do you know who started it? Anna Jarvis founded the traditional Mother’s Day to honour her mother who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten.

This special day was created in 2010 to honour and celebrate the mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mother's Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world. Just because your baby died does not mean that you are not a mother anymore. You are your baby’s mother forever and people need to start recognizing this fact."

You can also read what Carly Marie wrote about this special day in a post on Still Standing Online Magazine. To help raise awareness for this beautiful day take some flowers from the flower gallery, found on the facebook page and Carly Marie's website. Post them as your profile image on your favorite social network. Post them on your friends walls on facebook and let them know they are beautiful mothers. Also, use the images on your blogs or websites.

We celebrate, remember, miss, and love our precious little ones lost through stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion, and any other type of baby or child loss. I am thinking of all you mamas out there with some, if not all, your children in your heart, rather than your arms. I pray you find peace in knowing that they are safe with Jesus.

This flower is for everyone who has lost a child, despite the circumstances. Thank you for being there for me on this journey of grief and healing. And thank you to those of you who remembered me today and honored my girl. I will share later what I did special for the day. 

♥ Lily Katherine and Luke Shiloh ♥

For those who are interested in participating, Still Standing Online Magazine is hosting a "Breaking the Silence" event today. Here is the information about it:

"On May 5th we invite you to break the silence on loss and show the world you are STILL STANDING after loss and infertility by sharing a picture (or two or three, or as many as you like!) on facebook, twitter, instagram and pinterest. Include the hashtag #iamstillstanding to connect with and find others participating."

I am still standing as a single babyloss mama, after losing my first two children - Luke Shiloh, who went to Heaven at 6 weeks gestation in February 2009 and Lily Katherine, who was stillborn at fullterm on March 16, 2010. I promise to always be their voice in this world, which is why I am still standing and still speaking! Two babies who never spoke a word or took a breath danced into my heart and life and have left me changed forever. Their lives and legacies will echo into Eternity. I'm so thankful God gave me the gift of being their mama and one day, I will be reunited with them again. What a glorious reunion it will be, the three of us together at last! One day, I hope to have more children to raise on earth, but for now I will love my two in Heaven with all that is within me. #iamstillstanding

For more information and to participate in this event and connect with others, as well as share your child, visit the facebook page.

Much love and hugs,

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The Little Reminders

So many little reminders that say she isn't here. They come almost daily, oftentimes taking my breath away. These moments, big and small, say there is something...someone missing...

Walking past the baby section at Target and remembering all the time spent shopping there for my baby. All the outfits that will never be worn by the little girl they were meant for.

How hard it is to say congratulations to someone when I find out they are pregnant or just had a baby. Sometimes I don't say anything right away. It takes courage to say it.

When mom sees all her friends having grandchildren and there's nothing in this world she wants more...

When she gets asked at church on Bereaved Mother's Day if she has any grandchildren and tears can't help but fill her eyes as she explains that yes, she does. But, no, she has none on earth. Of course she gets asked by a lady, about her age, with close to twenty of her own. 

Every time I read about, see, or hear another girl named Lily. And it makes me cringe. Maybe that sounds silly. But, it just feels like it's my girl's name. I feel like others don't realize what a truly beautiful name it is. Especially the meaning of it. I don't get to call to my daughter, "Lily..." I only get to use her name when talking about her. But, I promise I will never let her name die. It will forever remain on my lips.

Not only is it hard to hear of others named Lily, but it seems like I see lilies everywhere I go...whether in paintings, bouquets, names of shops and places, among many other things.

painting I saw at a restaurant in Colorado. The last time I ate 

there with a group of friends, I sat at a table with all different chairs, 

not noticing until the end that I sat on the chair with a lily on it.

a salon I saw in a shopping plaza about 15-20 minutes from my house

When the lady at Walgreen's says something that catches me off guard. I go in to pick up a prescription and she says, "this says you are pregnant. It doesn't look like you are. Are you pregnant or breastfeeding?" Kick in the stomach. No, I'm not pregnant. I haven't been for over two years. And no, I'm not breastfeeding. I never got to do that because my baby died. Of course this is what I only think in my mind. In reality, I simply respond, "No, I'm not. That was over two years ago." And with that, she says she'll update it and I'm on my way. She doesn't realize how much that affected my day.

Hearing the rain fall outside my window and realizing it's just another thing Lily will never get to experience.

Seeing photos of the son of one of my close friends from high-school. Out of all days to be born, he made his grand entrance into this world on March 16, 2010. He shares her birthday. And now I see picture updates that remind me how he is growing so fast. And I will never get to post a picture update. Not a single one. I won't get to show off how adorable my sweet girl is. Nobody will get to ooh and aah over her.

Seeing photos of babies that were in utero at the same time Lily was. Seeing photos of pregnant women. Seeing pregnant women out in public (I'm telling you, they're everywhere)! Ultrasound photos. Photos of any baby for that matter. Hearing babies cry.

Realizing that I will watch my cousin, Owen, grow up...and I will always remember Lily when I look at him. I will remember the age she'd be (just three months younger than him). What will it be like when he turns 10? 15? 20? What would she have been like at that age?

Feeling like I don't belong anywhere...what other single, 22-year-old knows the grief of losing a child? And those that are grieving the loss of their baby, are in the place where they can try again. I am not in that place. It hurts to see everyone that had a loss around the time I did (or after) now having a baby or pregnant with one. Or at least in the place where they are thinking about "trying again." And I don't know when and if that will ever happen for me. 

Getting balloons for a 2nd Heavenly birthday balloon release at the same time a family in front of me gets balloons for a 2nd earthly birthday party.

Thinking lots on what sort of headstone to get for my daughter.

Every song somehow makes me think of her.

Seeing a girl I once worked with walk out of Target with her little girl, born two weeks before my little girl. My head turns to watch how she walks away. Seeing what a little person that age is like. And realizing Lily will forever remain my baby. She will never be my toddler. Or little girl. Or young lady. My forever baby. I will never get to see her hair in pigtails...or how her curls would fall...

These are the little things that remind me of how different my life is from other's lives. How different I am from most 22-year-olds. How different I am from other mothers. How different my love is for my child. How can I possibly love someone so much I held in my arms for a day...

These are the little reminders, the everyday moments, that can be the hardest. The moments when nobody else realizes how difficult they are for me. The moments when I'm desperately aching for a child to hold, to raise on earth. The moments when I miss the little girl I had to let go of before I ever even got to know. These are the reminders that dangle what could have, should have, might have been in my face.

In these reminders, I am reminded that it only hurts so much because I love her so much. The pain reminds me that she was real and important. I wouldn't be hurting for her, unless she was real! Unless she existed! Oh thank You, Jesus, she was here...her footprint forever left in my heart. And because she was here, she will be forever. I would choose to hurt this much, if it meant I get to have had her. Still have her. Still, forever love her.

Her story is still being written. Though her life was only nine short months, never having breathed in this world. The Author of LIFE continues writing, each chapter being more beautiful than the one before. Lives are still being touched and changed. This is just the beginning of her legacy. There are plenty more pages to be written...

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butterflies and new life

My best friend, Kala, surprised me with a beautiful package a couple weeks ago, for Bereaved Mother's Day. I opened it to find a necklace that I will now cherish always. The necklace just looks like it was made for me. This is what Kala wrote:

Dearest Hannah,

I saw this necklace and immediately thought to get it for you. Don't forget to open the locket. I have anointed it's inside with the Lily of the Valley oil. I wish I would have had it for her birthday, but friends never really need a special occasion to give a gift from the heart. The necklace was perfect even down to the butterfly charm dangling close to your heart, that would tell of new life each time it catches your eye. In this case, a special and sacred new life, the kind that never ends and rests always in the hope of life, of love.

Thank you so much for this, dear Kala! How thoughtful and sweet to anoint the inside with Lily of the Valley oil. I carry the fragrance of her life with me always. My world is colored with her life. I have my necklace with Lily's footprints on it, but am so thankful to now have something that honors both my babies. I plan on wearing this beautiful piece on each special day...Mother's Day. Christmas.

I carry my sweet babes with me each day, but they are especially on my heart on those days.

Kala wrote Lily and Luke inside of the locket. Along with their names, I wear the beautiful butterfly around my neck...symbolizing that I am born again in Christ. He makes all things new. He makes all things beautiful, in His time.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time..." ~Ecclesiastes 3:11

My old man is dead, and my new man is alive in Christ. Lily and Luke were a part of that transformation. When Jesus brought beauty from ashes and light from the midst of my darkness...just as a caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly. He redeemed me and made me a new creation, by His blood.

Butterflies now hold special significance in my life, just as lilies do. They also remind me that my babies have LIFE in Jesus and will be eternally safe in His loving arms. From my loving womb to His loving arms. Their bodies are whole and complete. They are new creations. Perfect. Always.

The following is a quote from the Duggars, written about their daughter, Jubilee Shalom, who was born into Heaven in the fall of 2011. It brings me peace when I think of my own sweet babies, born into Heaven.

"She is the quiet, gentle, and peaceful picture of new life leaving the cocoon, taking flight to Heaven."

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new!" ~2 Corinthians 5:17

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I am a Mother

The days leading up to this day set-apart to honor mothers have been tough. My own mother heart is missing the very one who made me a mother.

But, that's the thing. Not many recognize me as a mother on this day. Not many remember me on this day. Not many remember Lily on this day. Not many realize what a hard day it is for me. A day of sorrow, joy, longing, aching...

I am a mother, yes. Yet, I mother a grave. I mother a legacy. How does one learn to do this well? How does one navigate this world of loss and learning to honor and remember on these days that are supposed to be only full of happiness?

I had have a precious daughter. And she is vibrantly alive, dancing with Jesus. I birthed her into this world. I have the most adorable hand and footprints and lock of hair that prove that she was here. I have a birth certificate that says she was 21 inches long and 7 pounds, 9 ounces. She had weight in this world. And she will have weight in my life forever, as I carry her memory and legacy with me.

I have beautiful white lilies sitting on my dresser, sent to me as a surprise from a dear Ellerslie sister. Lilies that would not be there if it weren't for my own Lily. Lilies that say I am a mother.

This is already my third Mother's Day. Third. Without her. Time keeps marching on. Funny thing, isn't it? For the first two, I was out of town. That seemed to distract me some from the pain. This time though, I am home. In the time since the last Mother's Day, I forgot just how much it hurts. I am bombarded with happy ads and cards galore.

...My own little girl will never give me a card on Mother's Day with messy writing scrawled across the page, I love you, Mommy. I will never hear her call me mama, mommy, mom, mother. I will never whisper in her ear, I love you, too, sweet Lily girl.

Who knows if I'll ever be recognized as a mother on this day, in the "traditional" fashion. I don't know what God's plan for my life is. It hurts not knowing when and if I'll get to raise a child on earth, rather than just loving one in Heaven.

Maybe one day I will have another child, or maybe more...and they will probably get me a card and some flowers. And it will bring me such joy and contentment. Yet, their will always be that missing piece. That missing little girl that was mine. Is mine. And will forever be mine. The little girl that made me a mother.

Despite all these questions and hurts, I have inexplicable peace. Peace that passes all understanding. Peace that only my Jesus gives. Thank You, my King. Thank You for holding me in Your hands and being my Great Comforter. Thank You for loving my girl. Thank You that she's Your girl. Thank You for giving Your life so that she and I may live forever with You. Thank You for showing me that my love, my mother love, is small in comparison to how You love her. Thank You for Lily. Thank You for changing my life with hers. Thank You for the most precious gift I could ever receive, in her.

Lily girl, I celebrate you today.

To you, dear reader...

"Happy Mother's Day to all mother's, traditional and non-traditional, of children present and accounted for, lost and grieved over, of children born and not-yet born; your daily choice to be a mother makes you more of a mother every day, whether it feels like you thought it would or not." ~quote from a blog my friend, Bex, showed me

Whether you have a child or mother here on earth or in Heaven. Whether you made the selfless choice to place your child for adoption. Whatever your circumstances. Whatever your hurt, I pray that your day would be filled with the peace and beauty of Jesus! 

Last Sunday was International Bereaved Mother's Day. And I want to make note that just because I "celebrated" that day does not make me any less a mother on Mother's Day. I truly appreciate my friends that have also lost children giving support last week, which is why I acknowledge the day. Because I know other people "get" what a difficult time this is and acknowledge me as a mom when so many others don't. However, as my friend Morgan said of her son, I want to be celebrated as a mother with a daughter, not a mother with a dead daughter. I am still just as much a mother as anyone else with their living child. Just to be clear. My amazing friend Bex said something today that I really love. She said, "You chose to be a mommy to Lily...you chose to love her. That is what a mother does." Just because Lily is not here today doesn't make her any less real and doesn't make me as her mommy any less real. May we not forget why Mother's Day was started in the first place. It was founded by a woman named Anna Jarvis to honor her mother who experienced the death of seven of her children. These days, card companies make money, while bereaved mothers are completely forgotten.

If you know someone who has lost a child, at any age, recognize that they are still a mother and always will be. Click here to visit a website to see what grieving moms want for Mother's Day. As a grieving mother myself, I can tell you first and foremost, it brings me such joy just to hear Lily's name. Just for someone to say, "I know it's a hard day for you. I know you're missing your daughter, but you are on my heart. Happy Mother's Day."

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears." ~Author Unknown

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Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is a special day to me. It is something that most people have never even heard of and have no need to hear of it. Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day, formerly International Babylost Mother's Day. It falls on the first Sunday in May each year. I have been recognizing it since it started in 2010, the year my daughter was born and died.

Here is what Carly Marie (the creator of this special day) had to say about it:


"This day was created to get people to start talking about the real meaning of Mother’s Day. Do you know who started it? Anna Jarvis founded the traditional Mother’s Day to honour her mother who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten.


This special day was created in 2010 to honour and celebrate the mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mother's Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world. Just because your baby died does not mean that you are not a mother anymore. You are your baby’s mother forever and people need to start recognizing this fact."


You can also read what Carly Marie wrote about this special day in a post at the new Still Standing online magazine. Also, please become a fan on the facebook page. To help raise awareness for this beautiful day take some flowers from the flower gallery, found on the facebook page and Carly Marie's website. Post them as your profile image on your favorite social network. Post them on your friends walls on facebook and let them know they are beautiful mothers. Also, use the images on your blogs or websites.


So, my dear friends who carry a baby in their heart while they run the streets of gold...this flower is for you. Thank you for being there for me on this journey of grief and healing. And thank you to those of you who remembered me today and honored my girl. I will share later what I did special for the day. Much love.


Read my daughter, Lily's story, here.

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