Her Birthday Sticker

I ordered the book "Christ the Healer" by F.F. Bosworth (it's supposed to be really good... someone who was healed of Fibromyalgia recommended it) online and when it came, look what sticker I found on it...

3.16... March 16. Lily's birthday. Reminders of her are everywhere and I love it. I'm keeping the sticker on the book.

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Hard to Concentrate on Much Else

This week is my spring break. It's a good thing it is because to be honest, I am finding it difficult to think about much else than my beautiful Lily girl who should be turning 5 in just a few days. I am thinking about the memories of what these days held 5 years ago.

There are so many reminders of her throughout my days...

March 16 milk... when I saw it, of course I had to select it. My mom said she did too. :-) I have also been seeing so many commercials and ads with March 16.

I "just so happened" to park next to this van at the grocery store, "Lily's Cleaning Service."

This popped up on my Facebook News Feed, St. Patrick's Day donuts at Krisy Kreme. I want to go get one sometime this week simply because it makes me think of her. I have also been seeing St. Patrick's Day items being sold in many stores. St. Patrick's Day reminds me of Lily because it is the day after her birthday and one of the only two days in the world that I held her... it's the day I went home without her. 

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Even When I'm Not Looking for Reminders

I look for reminders of Lily and Luke throughout my days... a butterfly fluttering by... lilies on the side of the road. I don't have to look far to find things that make me think of them.

But even when I am not looking for reminders, they are there...

I was watching television one night this past week when I saw two commercials that made me think of them. The first was a commercial about the upcoming winter Olympics. I have written before about how the last time the winter Olympics were on, I was eight months pregnant with Lily and enjoyed watching them for hours with my family. It is such a bittersweet memory... I wish my almost-4-year-old Lily was here to watch them with us this year. So the fact that the Olympics are coming so soon again has me thinking of her... and the commercial reminded me that they start on February 6th - Luke's 5th Heaven Day.

I also saw a commercial for a television show that will air on March 16th - Lily's 4th birthday. 

It's crazy that I see both their dates in just a few minutes of each other. Having February and March back-to-back is hard for me. Around this time each year, I always see advertisements and other random things with their dates.

Even when my heart needs a break, I am reminded.

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"Lily Moments"

My days are full of moments where I'm reminded of my sweet girl. She is everywhere, in everything. Each time I see something that makes me think of her, it's like a hug from Heaven, where God reminds me that she's not forgotten. And neither am I. 

Here are some recent "Lily moments"...

A couple weeks ago when I was at the pregnancy center where I volunteer, I got a large baby name book from the baby boutique to possibly give to one of our clients. I took it upstairs and randomly flipped it open. When I looked down at the page that it fell open to, there was her name... Lily. Out of all the pages and names, it went right to hers! I love the definition it has listed too: Resembling the flower; one who is innocent and beautiful. She is exactly that. Innocent and beautiful... forever.

Lily was born on March 16th (3:16) so whenever I see those numbers together, it makes me think of her. I have been seeing gas prices at $3.16 so much lately. I love even small things like this that make me think of her, even if nobody else knows. I got a photo of the gas station in Crozet (my hometown and where Lily is buried) to capture the 3.16. It is so special that Lily's birthday is like John 3:16 - the very heart of the Gospel.

A friend of mine is a Grace Adele representative. Recently, there was an AMAZING sale going on, I needed a new purse, and wanted to support my friend, so I figured I'd see if I liked any of their available bags. I found a bag that is similar to one that I used to have that got really worn out from using it over time. And what do ya know, it's called "Lily." I didn't want to get the bag simply because it's called that, but it's so neat that it just so happens to be the bag I wanted! Same purple color and everything that I hoped for. I got my bag this week and really like it. It has a beautiful interior with flowers on it. :)

My mom and I went to Dunkin Donuts this week to meet a couple of our friends for coffee. DD now has red-velvet lattes and donuts. If you've read my blog for a while, you know that red-velvet is Lily's special thing. She had a Valentine's-themed baby shower in February 2010 and the cake was red-velvet, so it's a small way I can honor and remember her on her birthday and other special dates. I really enjoyed my red velvet latte this week. :)

A while back (can't remember exactly when), I was driving on a country road in Virginia when I came across this sign that I just had to get a picture of... Lily Lane. The property and sign is so beautiful. I have always thought how neat it would be to live on 316 Lily Lane one day in the future.

Those are just a few of the "Lily moments" that have made my heart smile lately.

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I'll Be Seeing You

There have been so many things lately that have been reminding me of Lily...

I have been considering getting a nanny job for quite some time. I figured I'd go for it, using care.com (I've heard lots of great things about this website). I put my profile up, contacted a few families, and just prayed and waited.

A lady contacted me first on there, saying she wanted to interview me. I went to their house yesterday and met her sweet little boy. She said he was 2 years old. My girl would have been 2. So, naturally I wanted to know when his birthday is. I asked her and she said, "In March." I said, "Oh...really. What day in March?" "The 16th." ... Yep, the little boy that this lady wants me to nanny was born on the EXACT SAME DAY as my Lily girl. Out of all the families and nannies in Raleigh, what are the odds of that? Crazy stuff. I nearly fell over. I didn't say anything about it, because I didn't want to freak her out. If I accept the job, I plan on one day telling her about my special connection to that day. After she gets to know me and realizes I am a normal, happy person and not some unstable, baby-snatcher or something. "J" almost didn't make it because he was born three months early and had all sorts of health issues.

It was very strange to see someone that would be literally the exact age as my daughter. It helped that it was a boy, rather than a girl. But, it was still so surreal, especially since Lily will always be a baby in my heart and mind.

Another interview that I had, the lady turned out to be a counselor specializing in neonatal loss because she had experienced a loss like that herself. It ended up not working out because she didn't think she would be able to separate herself from my story and not give me advice (as the counselor in her coming out). And that wouldn't be good in a nonclinical setting. I trust God has it all in His hands and I will work for the family(s) that I'm supposed to.

Butterflies are really significant and symbolic to me. People are always giving me things with butterflies on them, even those that don't know why or how much I like them. I didn't used to especially like them until the last couple years. I noticed recently that a picture I chose for my bank security four years ago is a butterfly.

My moms new debit card has significant pin numbers (obviously I'm not going to say what they are lol) that remind us of Lily. She didn't even choose the numbers herself.

I really enjoy watching the Olympics and have been with my family every evening since they started last Friday. It's just another reminder of Lily. Last time the Olympics were on, I was eight months pregnant and watching them on the couch for hours upon hours with my family. Those were the winter Olympics and the summer Olympics are on now, but it still reminds me so much of my girl.

Another thing that is so interesting...Lily was due on March 14 (some calculations said March 15) and born on March 16. Well, a friend of mine had her daughter this year in February, but she was due on March 15! And another friend is now pregnant with her baby due on March 15 next year. Out of all days to be due...seriously? It honestly made me upset to hear about these due dates at first. Like these babies are stealing Lily's dates. Like I am going to have to relive all my pregnancy memories.

Yes, it's tough to deal with these things that seem to just find me. But, instead of being upset and sad about them, I choose to see them as little winks from Heaven. A reminder that Lily is never forgotten. That she is on my heart and I am on the heart of Heaven. A reminder of my future there.

I see Lily everywhere. In everything. All the memories of my pregnancy and time with her, all the dreams I had for her life, all the crazy similarities I come across every day. I miss you, sweet girl. But, I am so happy to carry you with me all my days and see you so much. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be...

I'll Be Seeing You

I'll be seeing you

In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces

All day through

In that small cafe,

The park across the way

The children's carousel,

The chestnut trees, the wishing well

I'll be seeing you

In every lovely summer's day

In everything that's light and gay

I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the mornin' sun

And when the night is new

I'll be looking at the moon

But I'll be seeing you.

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The Little Reminders

So many little reminders that say she isn't here. They come almost daily, oftentimes taking my breath away. These moments, big and small, say there is something...someone missing...

Walking past the baby section at Target and remembering all the time spent shopping there for my baby. All the outfits that will never be worn by the little girl they were meant for.

How hard it is to say congratulations to someone when I find out they are pregnant or just had a baby. Sometimes I don't say anything right away. It takes courage to say it.

When mom sees all her friends having grandchildren and there's nothing in this world she wants more...

When she gets asked at church on Bereaved Mother's Day if she has any grandchildren and tears can't help but fill her eyes as she explains that yes, she does. But, no, she has none on earth. Of course she gets asked by a lady, about her age, with close to twenty of her own. 

Every time I read about, see, or hear another girl named Lily. And it makes me cringe. Maybe that sounds silly. But, it just feels like it's my girl's name. I feel like others don't realize what a truly beautiful name it is. Especially the meaning of it. I don't get to call to my daughter, "Lily..." I only get to use her name when talking about her. But, I promise I will never let her name die. It will forever remain on my lips.

Not only is it hard to hear of others named Lily, but it seems like I see lilies everywhere I go...whether in paintings, bouquets, names of shops and places, among many other things.

painting I saw at a restaurant in Colorado. The last time I ate 

there with a group of friends, I sat at a table with all different chairs, 

not noticing until the end that I sat on the chair with a lily on it.

a salon I saw in a shopping plaza about 15-20 minutes from my house

When the lady at Walgreen's says something that catches me off guard. I go in to pick up a prescription and she says, "this says you are pregnant. It doesn't look like you are. Are you pregnant or breastfeeding?" Kick in the stomach. No, I'm not pregnant. I haven't been for over two years. And no, I'm not breastfeeding. I never got to do that because my baby died. Of course this is what I only think in my mind. In reality, I simply respond, "No, I'm not. That was over two years ago." And with that, she says she'll update it and I'm on my way. She doesn't realize how much that affected my day.

Hearing the rain fall outside my window and realizing it's just another thing Lily will never get to experience.

Seeing photos of the son of one of my close friends from high-school. Out of all days to be born, he made his grand entrance into this world on March 16, 2010. He shares her birthday. And now I see picture updates that remind me how he is growing so fast. And I will never get to post a picture update. Not a single one. I won't get to show off how adorable my sweet girl is. Nobody will get to ooh and aah over her.

Seeing photos of babies that were in utero at the same time Lily was. Seeing photos of pregnant women. Seeing pregnant women out in public (I'm telling you, they're everywhere)! Ultrasound photos. Photos of any baby for that matter. Hearing babies cry.

Realizing that I will watch my cousin, Owen, grow up...and I will always remember Lily when I look at him. I will remember the age she'd be (just three months younger than him). What will it be like when he turns 10? 15? 20? What would she have been like at that age?

Feeling like I don't belong anywhere...what other single, 22-year-old knows the grief of losing a child? And those that are grieving the loss of their baby, are in the place where they can try again. I am not in that place. It hurts to see everyone that had a loss around the time I did (or after) now having a baby or pregnant with one. Or at least in the place where they are thinking about "trying again." And I don't know when and if that will ever happen for me. 

Getting balloons for a 2nd Heavenly birthday balloon release at the same time a family in front of me gets balloons for a 2nd earthly birthday party.

Thinking lots on what sort of headstone to get for my daughter.

Every song somehow makes me think of her.

Seeing a girl I once worked with walk out of Target with her little girl, born two weeks before my little girl. My head turns to watch how she walks away. Seeing what a little person that age is like. And realizing Lily will forever remain my baby. She will never be my toddler. Or little girl. Or young lady. My forever baby. I will never get to see her hair in pigtails...or how her curls would fall...

These are the little things that remind me of how different my life is from other's lives. How different I am from most 22-year-olds. How different I am from other mothers. How different my love is for my child. How can I possibly love someone so much I held in my arms for a day...

These are the little reminders, the everyday moments, that can be the hardest. The moments when nobody else realizes how difficult they are for me. The moments when I'm desperately aching for a child to hold, to raise on earth. The moments when I miss the little girl I had to let go of before I ever even got to know. These are the reminders that dangle what could have, should have, might have been in my face.

In these reminders, I am reminded that it only hurts so much because I love her so much. The pain reminds me that she was real and important. I wouldn't be hurting for her, unless she was real! Unless she existed! Oh thank You, Jesus, she was here...her footprint forever left in my heart. And because she was here, she will be forever. I would choose to hurt this much, if it meant I get to have had her. Still have her. Still, forever love her.

Her story is still being written. Though her life was only nine short months, never having breathed in this world. The Author of LIFE continues writing, each chapter being more beautiful than the one before. Lives are still being touched and changed. This is just the beginning of her legacy. There are plenty more pages to be written...

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feelings & truth

On March 17th, the day we had Lily's 2nd Heavenly Birthday balloon release, I was at a party store, picking up the balloons. All the women around me were talking about how they are getting pink balloons for their baby shower, their daughter's baby shower, or a shower they were going to. One lady says, "everyone is having girls!" They proceed to talk about birth experiences, labor and the like. As if this wasn't enough to get me emotional, I see a young couple in front of me waiting in line with a little girl. It's always difficult to see little girls, but I didn't think too much about it...that was, until I noticed they were getting balloons blown up with a big number 2 on them. Yep, that's right, they were getting balloons for their little girl's 2nd earthly birthday party. I thought it was ironic that there I was, getting them for my little girl's 2nd Heavenly birthday balloon release. I felt like I wanted them to know how different our days were. To make sure they knew how blessed they are to have their sweet girl here. I mean, sure, I'll see a lot of little girls that are one or two. But, of all days and times to be in that store, I was there at the same time as them. Our daughters just may share their actual birthday. And even if not their actual day, they are born extremely close together. How different March 2010 was for me than for them. It was such a strange feeling to realize that my daughter would be big like that now! I am telling you, this little girl kept staring at me. It was weird to think Lily would be picking things up off the shelves and showing them to me.

Later that day, I saw neighbors in my friend's culdesac and heard a little girl crying but didn't pay much attention to it. When I was going back inside, two little girls (one maybe four or five and her little one-year old sister) were walking towards me. They were with their grandmother who said, "excuse me, my granddaughter thinks you are her mom and I'm trying to show her that you aren't." Gulp. That's why she had been screaming and crying from across the culdesac. Even when she got right by me, she still thought I was her mother! I will never forget the look of that little girl and how she was desperately reaching her arms out to me. It made me ache to know Lily never got to know me as her mother like that. It made me ache for a child that will reach for me, in a way that a child only reaches for her mother...except in this case when this kid seriously thinks I'm her mom! It was the strangest thing. And the grandmother said I don't even look anything like her daughter who has red hair...


Sigh. 

Or how about Target. I shopped in Target all the time when I was pregnant. There is one only about a mile from my house and I loved just going in there and looking around. I even registered for my baby shower there. So, in the months after first losing Lily, it was bittersweet to be in there. It felt like her store, and it will forever remind me of her. It's not as hard now as it once was, but there will be times where I'll be walking past the baby section and see all the spring clothes for little babies and I'll remember the spring when I was shopping there for my own little baby that I never got to bring home...the little baby that never got to wear any of those clothes. And the tears will come and it will feel so raw and fresh again.

These are the everyday moments that can be the hardest. The moments when nobody else realizes how difficult they are for me. The moments when I'm desperately aching for a child to hold, to raise on earth. The moments when I miss the little girl I had to let go of before I ever even got to know. But, in these moments, my King gently reminds me to give it to Him. He reminds me that I am not to be ruled by feelings and experiences. But truth. And the truth is that my God works all things together for His glory and my good. He desires what's best for me and the legacy of my child and I cling to that truth.


"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice." -Philippians 4:4


In the midst of the sorrow, I will rejoice in Him. In the midst of the laughter, I will rejoice in Him. Always. Forever. He is good, no matter what my circumstances or pain. No matter what I face, I am His. No matter where I am in life, He holds me. I will remind myself of all that He's done in my life and cling to the truth that He is my Rescuer and my Redeemer, my Healer and my Friend. My Beloved. I will lift my hands in faith. 


I will believe.

This is a song that has meant so much to me. I pray you are blessed by it today and that you look to the Savior, the one Who holds the world in His hands. No matter what you are facing, He is enough. 

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