Wednesday, August 1, 2012

I'll Be Seeing You

There have been so many things lately that have been reminding me of Lily...

I have been considering getting a nanny job for quite some time. I figured I'd go for it, using (I've heard lots of great things about this website). I put my profile up, contacted a few families, and just prayed and waited.

A lady contacted me first on there, saying she wanted to interview me. I went to their house yesterday and met her sweet little boy. She said he was 2 years old. My girl would have been 2. So, naturally I wanted to know when his birthday is. I asked her and she said, "In March." I said, "Oh...really. What day in March?" "The 16th." ... Yep, the little boy that this lady wants me to nanny was born on the EXACT SAME DAY as my Lily girl. Out of all the families and nannies in Raleigh, what are the odds of that? Crazy stuff. I nearly fell over. I didn't say anything about it, because I didn't want to freak her out. If I accept the job, I plan on one day telling her about my special connection to that day. After she gets to know me and realizes I am a normal, happy person and not some unstable, baby-snatcher or something. "J" almost didn't make it because he was born three months early and had all sorts of health issues.

It was very strange to see someone that would be literally the exact age as my daughter. It helped that it was a boy, rather than a girl. But, it was still so surreal, especially since Lily will always be a baby in my heart and mind.

Another interview that I had, the lady turned out to be a counselor specializing in neonatal loss because she had experienced a loss like that herself. It ended up not working out because she didn't think she would be able to separate herself from my story and not give me advice (as the counselor in her coming out). And that wouldn't be good in a nonclinical setting. I trust God has it all in His hands and I will work for the family(s) that I'm supposed to.

Butterflies are really significant and symbolic to me. People are always giving me things with butterflies on them, even those that don't know why or how much I like them. I didn't used to especially like them until the last couple years. I noticed recently that a picture I chose for my bank security four years ago is a butterfly.

My moms new debit card has significant pin numbers (obviously I'm not going to say what they are lol) that remind us of Lily. She didn't even choose the numbers herself.

I really enjoy watching the Olympics and have been with my family every evening since they started last Friday. It's just another reminder of Lily. Last time the Olympics were on, I was eight months pregnant and watching them on the couch for hours upon hours with my family. Those were the winter Olympics and the summer Olympics are on now, but it still reminds me so much of my girl.

Another thing that is so interesting...Lily was due on March 14 (some calculations said March 15) and born on March 16. Well, a friend of mine had her daughter this year in February, but she was due on March 15! And another friend is now pregnant with her baby due on March 15 next year. Out of all days to be due...seriously? It honestly made me upset to hear about these due dates at first. Like these babies are stealing Lily's dates. Like I am going to have to relive all my pregnancy memories.

Yes, it's tough to deal with these things that seem to just find me. But, instead of being upset and sad about them, I choose to see them as little winks from Heaven. A reminder that Lily is never forgotten. That she is on my heart and I am on the heart of Heaven. A reminder of my future there.

I see Lily everywhere. In everything. All the memories of my pregnancy and time with her, all the dreams I had for her life, all the crazy similarities I come across every day. I miss you, sweet girl. But, I am so happy to carry you with me all my days and see you so much. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be...

I'll Be Seeing You

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

In that small cafe,
The park across the way
The children's carousel,
The chestnut trees, the wishing well

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the mornin' sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you.



  1. Hi Hannah,
    It's such a special treasure - these moments and times and things and reminders that God gives us of what is precious to His heart - His kids. I find little reminders of His love for me and His care for every part of my life - sometimes little things that make me think of my siblings in heaven.

  2. That seems like it may be hard to handle but wow like you say what are the odds so I'm thinking Lily and Jesus think you could handle it just fine.

  3. Wow. I apllied for a nany job after my Katherine died. When they found out my baby was stillborn, they did not hire me. I have always believed it freaked them out in some way. I will be praying for you in your new adventure. Praying it is just what you need.

  4. I live so close to you, Hannah! And our babies' birthdays are only two days apart.

  5. Wow Hannah! That must be a sign from Lily that that is the job for you!

  6. ♥ Hannah. You've been getting lots of signs from Lily about being a nanny! :)

  7. Oh wow Hannah, I agree...such a sign from your sweet Lily! I think you will make such an amazing nanny ♥

  8. Wow, Hannah! That is amazing! How do you feel about the job now? Whatever you feel, know that Lily is looking down on you & loves you!

  9. Wow. Funny, because I've been thinking of A today and how she would be 3 in one month from now. I'm wondering if my friend will invite L to her daughter's third birthday in October knowing that her daughter will always remind me of A in my mind...and also wondering if I would be able to go...Hopefully you felt like Lily was talking to you through this experience.

  10. :) This post made me smile! Thinking of you, girl.

  11. Congratulations on the interviews! I love the poem at the end of this post! Praying for God to place you in the perfect job!

  12. wow. Maybe a little wink of love from your baby girl. ♥


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