Still Mothering Her

The only motherhood I've ever known is mothering a grave. A legacy. It makes me as a mom feel quite out of place, especially on Mother's Day.

I hold my daughter in my heart, rather than my arms.

I have no other living children on Earth with me to help ease the pain and ache. My motherhood is invisible to the world.

My "parenting decisions" are things like deciding what sort of headstone I wanted for Lily. Did I want it flat or upright? What did I want it to say? What words did I want permanently etched in stone? What special things should I take to the cemetery where she's buried when I go up to Virginia to visit soon?

I must imagine what my own child might be like. How she might look. Who she might have become in these past 7 years.

What is it even like to look at your child in their eyes? Blue eyes. That's what I truly believe she had. Blue eyes like her mama. She looked just like a mini-me.

My daily reality consists of loving a precious princess that I never got to know past 40 weeks 2 days. Instead of thinking what I can do for my daughter, I think of how I can honor her. I think of how I can be a mom to her, without her here. I pour out my heart to her on my blog. I share the same select photos of her over and over. I go to remembrance walks and candlelight ceremonies, release butterflies, eat all things red-velvet, plant a garden, take photos of lilies, make hospital comfort boxes.

How many different ways can I say, I miss her. I miss who she would have become. I miss who she might've been in the future. How many different ways can I say, this is hard. How many different ways can I say, I am thankful still. And the Lord is good, always.

Lily is still very much a part of my every day, which is demonstrated in all the ways I honor her. And with each person who remembers her with me. A friend remarked a few days ago on how special it is that so many people around the world remember Lily with me. And it truly is a HUGE gift. With each photo sent my way, it validates my motherhood. It silently speaks that Lily's life matters. With each gesture of remembrance, it's as if God is saying, "you are a mother, her mother, and you will mother her in Heaven in all the ways you didn't get to on Earth."

When I post photos of Lily's name around the world, or share my heart about her publicly, know that I am not dwelling on something sad or "not moving forward." I am moving forward. And my final destination is Heaven... where she is. She is ahead of me, in my future and in my forward. When we live across the country/world from those we care about, we miss them, right? We don't stop loving them, thinking of them, and wanting to see them. Instead we long for the time we will see them again... So it is with Lily. We have a long-distance mother-daughter relationship, so to speak. But the separation hurts for now. Even when we know we will see someone again, it hurts to be apart. She is not just "a thing that happened to me" in my past. SHE IS MY CHILD, whom I will always dearly love. And I am STILL A MOTHER. Her mother. My motherhood might look different than most, but it's mine, and it's real. ❤️ 

This photo and post was shared as a part of multiple projects for Mother's Day... the Mother Hearts Project, where we take a photo of our hand over our heart to signify how we carry our children in our hearts. Also, the Still Mothering project, where mothers without any living children got this t-shirt that says "mother" on it to share what our motherhood looks with the world, and to show that we are still mothers. And lastly, I'm sharing this as part of Motherhood Rewritten, where a "community of women who have lived Mother's Day outside what culture claims as the norm" share their stories. In the photo, I am wearing a necklace with Lily's photo on it, and am obviously holding her foot and handprint. #stillmothering #thisisstillmotherhood #wearestillmothers #MotherHeartsProject #MotherhoodRewritten #icarryherheartinmine

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Bereaved Mother's Day Butterfly Release 💕

Sunday was a beautiful day for a butterfly release!

Thank you to the North Carolina Chapter of the TEARS Foundation for hosting this special event for Bereaved Mother's Day. I had been wishing for some sort of event to gather with fellow bereaved families and mark the day in a special way for years. :)

My family who joined me for the butterfly release... Lily's uncles, auntie, grandmother, mommy, and cousin.

We released ours for Lily Katherine and my Aunt Rachel. Can you spot their names? :) We went around and shared who we were releasing the butterflies for and I told who we are, and who Lily and Rachel are. I shared that my grandmother, Rachel's mother, passed away just 3 weeks ago and I feel it is now my responsibility to always honor Rachel and never forget her. It felt like we were releasing the butterfly for Bumma too, since we shared a love of the little creatures.

We were so touched that they included the grandmothers by giving them their own butterfly.

The little packets that each butterfly came in, with a sweet saying on them. We could hear the butterflies fluttering around.

Harvest waving for cousin Lily and great-aunt Rachel!

About to release our butterflies.

They were Painted Lady butterflies, from the same company where I got mine for Lily's butterfly release a couple years ago!

The flowers that the butterflies were landing on.

With my friend, Ashley.

My butterfly necklace for the butterfly release. And I wore my Lily dress and earrings. :)

The weather was PERFECT! My ideal kind of day... lower 70s with the sun shining, white puffy clouds, and a gentle breeze.

Here is a video of me releasing my butterfly!

My sister-in-law Kala gave both my mom and I a daisy for the day. :)

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Lily Remembered in Alabama

Right around the time my friends sent the lily photos yesterday, my friend Ashley sent this photo. I felt like I was being swamped with love from Jesus this Mother's Day week. It definitely helps brighten my mood. :)

Ashley said she and her husband were in the Mother's Day cards section of a store and "this little gem was just sitting there in the most random place. I immediately thought of your Lily. I hope this week is being gentle on your heart." ❤️

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God Called Thee Home, He Thought It Best

These words that I wrote a couple years ago on Mother's Day are a comfort to me this year:

I saw these beautiful words on a baby's headstone on vacation in South Carolina when I was looking for inspiration for Lily's stone - "Sleep on sweet babe and take thy rest. God called thee Home, He thought it best."

I am clinging to this on what is a very difficult weekend for me... Mother's Day. God thought it best to call Lily Home and I find comfort in that. It doesn't take away the pain of days like Mother's Day or the rest of my life without her, but I trust that He holds both of us in His mighty hands. He was not surprised by how brief her life was and has a purpose and plan even in that.

As JJ Heller sings in one of her songs, "Life is short, but it is wide, I know it's true. You touched more souls than most people ever do."

He called me to be a mother to a child of Heaven and because He has called me to this, I know He will sustain me each and every moment. Oh my baby girl, I'll see you soon. I will always be your mother and you will always be my daughter.

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Disenfranchised Grief on Mother's Day

This is something I first shared last year leading up to Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is an extremely painful day as a mother without living children.

This year will be my NINTH year as a mother on Mother's Day. That is crazy. How does one mark such a day as a mother to children who live with God?

Mothers who have lost children to abortion and stillbirth are often not understood or their experiences and motherhood acknowledged, leaving them to walk through the loneliness and isolation of disenfranchised grief. This is especially true for those without any living children.

I consider my first Mother's Day as a mother to have been in 2009. I was at Virginia Beach that weekend and would have still been carrying Luke Shiloh. I would have been 19 weeks 3 days gestation, to be exact. Instead, Luke had been with the Lord since 6 weeks gestation. But that doesn't change that he was real and that he made me a mother, whether I wanted to be one yet or not. His heartbeat was real. His DNA was real and would never be repeated again.

The following year, in 2010, would have been my first Mother's Day with Lily Katherine here. She would have been 2 months old at that point. We spent the week at Massanutten and I was going to have a baby shower with Virginia friends and family. Only there was no need for a baby shower and no baby in my arms. She too was with the Lord and Luke.

The ache of Mother's Day gets more pronounced with each passing Spring. How do mothers like me mark such a day? When our love for our children is the same, yet those on the outside looking in can't see them. When we don't have people sending us flowers and gifts, taking us out to eat, or telling us "Happy Mother's Day." When our arms are empty, empty, empty, yet our love and desire to care for our children in tangible ways is just as alive and real as the mothers around us with their children in adorable outfits.

When the only proof of my motherhood is the love I carry, the echo of the memory of the two hearts that beat within, and the marks of motherhood underneath my shirt.

Mothers who have lost children to stillbirth, abortion, or miscarriage, know you are not alone. Your babies matter and are real. Your motherhood is valid and important. Do whatever you need to do to heal and get through Mother's Day... Whether that be staying home from church and avoiding the baby dedications that make you want to scream and run, staying home altogether, making a delicious meal, going for a hike and picnic, listening to beautiful music, getting together with other mothers with similar experiences, getting flowers in your child's honor, staying away from social media, among many other things.

Please feel free to share your child's name and story in the comments section, as well as any ideas for how to mark Mother's Day. 💕

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International Bereaved Mother's Day 💕💐

Sunday was International Bereaved Mother's Day (formerly Babyloss Mother's Day). It's a day set-apart to honor mothers who have lost children at any age or gestation.

This special day falls on the first Sunday of each May, the week before "traditional" Mother's Day. I have been recognizing it since it started in 2010, the year Lily was born and died.

Here is what Carly Marie, the creator of this special day, had to say about it:

"This day was created to get people to start talking about the real meaning of Mother's Day. Do you know who started it? Anna Jarvis founded the traditional Mother's Day to honor her mother who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten. This special day was created in 2010 to honor and celebrate the mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. That traditional Mother's Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world. Just because your baby died does not mean that you are not a mother anymore. You are your baby's mother forever and people need to start recognizing this fact."

Bereaved Mother's Day in no way replaces Mother's Day. What I wish is that there was no need for Bereaved Mother's Day. I wish I didn't even know about it and felt like a "normal" mom on Mother's Day. What the day is about is connecting with other mothers who know your pain and love. It's about bringing awareness to babyloss/child loss. It's about informing others of the real meaning behind Mother's Day.

I'm thinking of all my dear friends who hold their children in their hearts. Please feel free to leave your child's name in the comments. 💕💐 

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Bereaved Mother's Day 2015

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day (formerly Babyloss Mother's Day). It's a day set-apart to honor mothers who have lost children at any age or gestation and for any reason. This special day falls on the first Sunday of each May, the week before traditional Mother's Day. I have been recognizing it since it started in 2010, the year my beloved daughter, Lily Katherine, was born and died. I am thankful for this day since I have no children on Earth to celebrate Mother's Day and it is a very difficult day for me. Bereaved Mother's Day is a day to be loved and supported by others who "get it."

Here is what Carly Marie (the creator of this special day) had to say about it: "This day was created to get people to start talking about the real meaning of Mother's Day. Do you know who started it? Anna Jarvis founded the traditional Mother's Day to honor her mother who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten. This special day was created in 2010 to honor and celebrate the mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mother's Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world. Just because your baby died does not mean that you are not a mother anymore. You are your baby's mother forever and people need to start recognizing this fact."

I'm thinking of all my dear friends who hold their children in their hearts, rather than their arms. Feel free to leave your child's name in the comments section.

I'm bummed out that my mom, our neighbor/friend, and I usually go to a Mother's Day Tea and Tour on this day, but unfortunately it didn't work out this year for different reasons. :(

♥ Lily Katherine and Luke Shiloh ♥

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