Friendship Bracelets and Tattoos

Here's another post I've been meaning to publish...

Last August, I went out to Colorado a few days before I was to arrive at Ellerslie, to spend time with my friend, Bex. You may remember reading about her before (click HERE to read the posts about her and our friendship). She placed her son for adoption less than a year before I got pregnant with Lily. I knew about her story and reached out to her when I needed a friend and someone who understood what I was going through. She was that friend to me.

Here are our friendship bracelets with our tattoos for the little ones who brought us together in friendship 6 1/2 years ago.

 

She was one of the first people to know about my little flower and the first person to know the name that is now forever on my wrist. 

We had a wonderful visit, going to Boulder, downtown Denver, and just hanging out drinking coffee and sharing our hearts. Every year in August, I am reminded of how we became friends that same month in 2009. It was interesting that the first day I arrived to her house, she got a reminder on her Facebook Memories that we became "friends" that exact day 6 years before... I never could have imagined all that would happen in those years and what a dear friend she would turn out to be. :)

 

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My Colorado Adventure Awaits

I leave bright and early (well, actually, it's so early that it won't even be bright yet when I leave lol) this morning for 7 1/2 weeks in Colorado! I will be spending a few days with my dear friend, Bex, and then will be at Ellerslie Leadership Training for 7 weeks until I come home on October 12th. Then, a couple days after that, I'll be going to Michigan for a couple days to speak at an event on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Please be praying that I will have safe travels, that I will have good health and lots of energy, and that the Lord would fulfill His purposes in my life in this season. I will most likely not have much time to blog until I return home in October, and want to focus on the reasons why I'm in Colorado. However, because of this, I have scheduled several blog posts to publish while I'm gone. Blessings from the soon to be west! :-)

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A New(ish) Adventure

I'm preparing for something similar to what I was preparing for 4 years ago around this very time of year. Let me back up...

I am currently a Liberty University student, and am scheduled to graduate next spring. Finishing up my degree (I'm pursuing my B.S. in Psychology/Crisis Counseling with a Minor in Christian Counseling) has been my biggest priority at this point in my life and I haven't thought much about what will happen in my life beyond that, besides the general idea of what I want to pursue for a job and ministry. I'm trusting God will guide me step-by-step. Because of being busy with classes, even being currently enrolled in a summer class that will wrap up soon, I wasn't thinking of doing anything else before I graduate.

As many of you know, I had the blessing of going through the Basic Training at Ellerslie Leadership Training in Colorado for 9 weeks in the fall of 2011. Here's a photo of the Fall 2011 Ellerslie Epsilon Class (I miss these people! There's me in the front center in a pink sweater):

Ever since that precious season growing in the Lord with other people who have become some of my dearest friends, I have felt that my time there wasn't complete. Ellerslie offers a 7-week Advanced Training for those who have completed Basic. Initially, I wanted to go back for Advanced a month after my Basic wrapped up, after the Christmas season. However, I unfortunately was diagnosed with Mononucleosis and it wasn't possible for me to go. It's all in God's timing. Side note: I highly suggest checking out what Ellerslie is all about! :-)

In May of this year, God was leading me through some personal things that I needed to deal with. I didn't immediately do what I knew He was asking me to do, which needed repenting of. At that point in my life, I honestly felt a lack of direction and was quite frustrated and discouraged.

It reminds me of a quote I read by Terri Foy: "God will not advance your instructions beyond your last act of disobedience."

I was not obeying God and my instructions were not being made clear beyond what I needed to do first. I had to choose to obey Him, no matter the cost, and I felt Him showing me that He would reveal to me the next step of my journey after I was obedient.

I wrote in my journal on May 14th: "One thing I prayed was that I would be willing to do whatever You asked of me, no matter what it is or how much it hurts. I knew You would even have to give me the desire to do it and then the grace and strength to go through with it."

In May, by God's grace and guidance, I did what He was asking me to do (for the sake of this blog post, it's not important for me to share what that was, but I can say that it was a pretty big deal for me spiritually). As soon as I did obey Him, I felt a deep sense of freedom and peace.

I also felt a stirring within me for something different. It's hard to explain, but I knew that a change was coming... some sort of new adventure with Jesus. :-) It's incredible for me to look back and see how in each step, even when I didn't see God's hand, that He was working behind the scenes.

On May 16th, I wrote in my journal: "I got this strong impression in my spirit that I should go to Ellerslie Advanced this fall."

I vividly remember what I was doing that day and how this long-buried dream of Ellerslie was brought to the forefront of my mind, as if it was planted there by God Himself. It came out of nowhere because as I said, it was not something I was considering since I am in college and I honestly didn't think it would be feasible, so there was no point in thinking about it in the first place.

Literally just a couple days after I obeyed what the Lord was asking me to do, I got marching orders for the next step in my journey, something that I was not expecting. But, as I said, I did feel that I would one day be going back to Ellerslie, but I didn't know when, why, or how exactly. So many things in my personal life were pointing to this being the next step for me.

It is actually quite amazing how it all works out so perfectly and how the Lord placed the idea in my mind and showed me that it could indeed work out. You see, it's somewhat complicated, but to try to explain, my school semesters are broken up into two 8-week segments, rather than being the full 16 weeks. So... because of this, I would be taking off the first 8 weeks of classes during the fall semester in order to go to Ellerslie (it would be way too busy for me to do both at once). Ellerslie Advanced will start up in August (literally the day I'd fly out would be the day my class ends) and wrap up in October (shortly before the second 8-week of the semester classes begin). I would be arriving home just two days before I am scheduled to fly out to Michigan for a couple days to speak at an event.

I realized that with timing and scheduling, it could work... but I felt hesitant about going if it would change my graduation date. How could that work? Well, because I took a couple of courses this summer, and because my mom told me about something she did when she was in college, I realized after looking into it that I could still graduate and participate in the Commencement Ceremony next May, as long as I had 6 or less credits left to complete at that time. I would have exactly 6 left (the 6 I would be taking this fall). I would need to finish those classes next summer before they'd mail me my diploma, which really isn't a problem.

But what about financial aid, I wondered? Well, the financial aid would distribute accordingly, half this fall, and the other half next summer instead. I know these are a lot of details, but I want to share them to show how God has been intimately involved, even in the smallest of details!

I believe God has shown me NOW is the time for me to go back to Ellerslie. He is so faithful to guide our lives! It also happens to be the last opportunity for me to go. They will be changing the program. This is literally the last time they'll be offering the 7-week program. The time length that it is currently is much more convenient for me at this point in my life (it used to last several months). Not only that, but after I graduate, I will most likely be working full-time, and wouldn't be able to take those weeks off anyways.

Over the weeks after I initially felt like I am supposed to go back, I prayed, journaled, and earnestly sought the Lord about it. I wanted to make sure it was His will for my life and not just something I dreamed up for myself.

During this time, I listened to a particular song by Sara Groves called "Hello Lord" on repeat. It expresses many things I was feeling. Here are the lyrics (you can listen to it below or by clicking here).

Hello Lord, it's me Your child

I have a few things on my mind

Right now I'm faced with big decisions

And I'm wondering if You have a minute, cuz

Right now I don't hear so well

And I was wondering if You could speak up

I know that You tore the veil 

So I could sit with You in person

And hear what You're saying but

Right now, I just can't hear You.

I don't doubt Your sovereignty

I doubt my own ability to

Hear what You're saying

And to do the right thing 

And I desperately want to do the right thing

But right now I don't hear so well

And I was wondering if You could speak up

I know that You tore the veil 

So I could sit with You in person

And hear what You're saying but

Right now, I just can't hear You.

And somewhere in the back of my mind

I think You are telling me to wait

And though patience has never been mine

Lord, I will wait to hear from You

Oh Lord, I'm waiting on You

Right now I don't hear so well

And I was wondering if You could speak up

I know that You tore the veil 

So I could sit with You in person

And hear what You're saying but

Right now, I think You're whispering

I read a post I wrote about how God led me to Ellerslie the first time and how He provided for me in such beautiful ways. I wrote in my journal on May 30th: "I felt led to read my post about my journey to Ellerslie. I am encouraged afresh and amazed at Your love and faithfulness and how You've led my life thus far. It's incredible how You can grow my faith now in reading about how You grew it 4 years ago."

I carefully weighed all the pros and cons of going (honestly some of the cons were reasons to go. ha!). I considered my motives for wanting to go. I prayed for peace and guidance and for all the details to be made clear. I didn't want to rush into a decision. I was able to talk with a couple friends about their experience at Ellerslie Advanced which really helped in my decision-making (thanks Karen and April!) :-)

Ultimately, I decided that everything is falling into place for me to go. And I feel that I would regret in the future if I hadn't gone, but I don't feel I would regret going. I am single and want to view this time in my life as a gift, fully soaking up all sorts of adventures!

In June, I felt confirmation that it was time to apply. I remember the first time I went to Ellerslie and how I just knew that I was meant to go and at that specific time. I wanted that same sort of confirmation this time around. I waited before the Lord and He showed me when it was time to apply. So, I applied and then waited a while longer, then went through the interview process, then got accepted. And now this week, the very week that the tuition payment is due in full, the money came through (further confirmation I'm supposed to go). And I found an amazing deal on a plane ticket!

In less than 3 weeks from now, Lord willing, I will be leaving for Colorado for 7 1/2 weeks. I am excited, I am expectant, I am certain this is what I'm meant to do. If my Shepherd leads me somewhere, I trust He will provide everything I need. I will be spending a few days with my dear friend, Bex, before things officially get underway on the little campus in Windsor. I really am looking forward to that as well. :-)

I'm not sure why the Lord is taking me back to Ellerslie now after all this time, but He is. Colorado, I'm coming for you and the new(ish) adventure the Lord has planned for me out west. Can't wait to be greeted by warm, friendly faces and those majestic Rocky Mountains. :-)

Ellerslie Lake

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A Bloom and Her Buds

My sweet friend Bex shared this photo with me a few weeks ago and wrote: "this rose with the two buds made me think of you, Luke, and Lily. <3 Love you!" It means so much for my babies to be thought of.

When I was coming up with the title for this blog post, "A Bloom and Her Buds" came to me. It reminds me of "Rose and Her Lily," except it includes Luke too. It would make a catchy blog title. Sometimes I wish Luke were included in my blog title as well, but I did incorporate a butterfly in my logo to symbolize him. And he is such a big part of Lily's story. I am so attached to the name "Rose and Her Lily" now, after naming my blog that nearly 6 years ago when I first created it, so I don't think I could rename it now. I am a bloom on Earth and my two babies are my buds. But they are certainly both blooming in Heaven. Buds mean they existed on Earth.

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"I Just Love Carrying My Baby"

I am going through old emails to find the correspondence between my friend Bex and I from when I was pregnant so I can print them out to keep it in Lily's memory chest. After Lily's father, Bex was the second person to know about Lily.

Here is something I wrote to Bex when I was 25 weeks pregnant, in November 2009:

"I have been feeling Lily moving and kicking so much! It is such an amazing feeling. I just love carrying my Baby and I feel like I will miss it when I do give birth. It's such a special time to feel another life inside me and know that it's her little foot or hand I feel. :)"

And here's from a conversation we had online:

Bex: Hannah Rose!!
Hannah: HEY!
Bex: How are you??
Hannah: I'm really well.. Lily is moving around really silly right now.
Bex: Aww! Isn't that one of the best feelings in the world though? :)
Hannah: Yeah, it is. It's so special. Lily just nestles up on my right side too, it's so funny.
Bex: aww:)

These are things I'd forgotten, like her preferring my right side. I'm so glad I have that record of how I treasured our time together, her only time on Earth. And I had no idea just how much I would miss carrying her. Sigh. I am certain that one of the greatest gifts I will ever receive in my life was getting those months with Lily and being chosen to be her forever mommy.

This photo beautifully captures life in the womb. Yes, Lily *did* live and wasn't an "almost baby."

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Like a Lily Among Thorns

On this date five years ago, September 5th, 2009, I sent an email to my dear friend Bex where I said this:

I am so incredibly thankful to have this documented forever. I remember knowing from early on that Lily was a girl and that her name was Lily, however it is special to have it written in words. 

At the time I wrote the email, I was still in my first trimester of pregnancy, too early for a doctor to tell me the gender of my unborn baby. I hadn't even had an ultrasound or doctor's appointment yet. But, I knew in my heart that my baby was a GIRL. It was as if God Himself whispered to me, "you are carrying a precious little girl and her name is Lily." The Lord showed me that my child was a gift and though she was conceived in sin, she was not a sin.

Bex was one of the first people to know about Lily and to hear her name. She wrote
Lily's name in the sand on her honeymoon in the US Virgin Islands last September. :)

I knew in my heart that the God of the Universe was knitting together a very special little girl, quietly hidden within my womb. I knew how special she was to Him. Jesus supernaturally intervened in my heart and life. He used her life to bring me back to Himself. Lily was the bridge between my Savior and I. She changed my heart, she changed the road I was walking on, she changed my future, she changed everything...rather, Jesus changed everything through her life. I treasure her name. To me, it is not simply a pretty name. The flower and name are so meaningful and significant to me.

Lily means purity and innocence. Also a symbol of beauty. The Lord was bringing beauty from ashes, light out of my darkness. He showed me that this precious life that grew within was a symbol of my renewed innocence and purity in Christ. In Him, I am washed whiter than snow (Isaiah 1:18). I am redeemed, because of His shed blood. He was giving me hope for her future, my future, and showing me that He had a plan and purpose for her precious life.

It amazes me to see how I knew from the start that my she was a she and that her name was Lily.

You can read more about the meaning and significance of Lily Katherine's name HERE.

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The Place of Light and Hope

On this date, August 31st, in 2009, I had an appointment at the Pregnancy Center of Central Virginia in Charlottesville. I had already made the choice of LIFE for my unborn child, but was still unsure if I would choose adoption or parenting. I needed someone to talk to about everything, which is when the appointment was made at the PCCV. It is just a mile or so from the Planned Parenthood where I had an abortion just months before.

 

From the moment I walked in the doors of the pregnancy center, I felt accepted and loved. The way I like to describe it as is "the place of light and hope." It was such a contrast to "the place of darkness and despair" (Planned Parenthood). I literally remember the sunshine streaming in the windows as I walked in, as a physical representation of what the center is spiritually.

I met with Anna, who was the center director then, and was so blessed by our time together. I wrote about my visit to the center in an email to Bex, the friend I just posted about. I am so thankful to have these words to see what exactly I was thinking then:

I went to the Pregnancy Center on Monday. I met with one of the counselors there, Anna. I didn't really know what to expect going in there. The Pregnancy Center of Central Virginia is a Christian establishment and as soon as I walked in the door, I felt comfortable and loved. The lady at the front desk had a warm smile on her face and was very helpful. Then, I met with Anna and I knew she wasn't judging me or thinking about what a horrible person I am. Her words were tender and sweet, and I felt comfortable enough to openly discuss everything with her. I told her I am considering adoption and she recommended Bethany Christian Services, the very same place you sent me a link to in your first message to me! She gave me all sorts of pamphlets when I left with information on the things we had discussed. She gave me the number to Bethany, as well as the number to both hospitals in the area, so I can get set up with a doctor. She told me someone that works in the Center has a daughter that got pregnant and put her baby up for adoption. I told her the church I have been attending with my grandmother, and then told her the church I would like to try. Her eyes lit up and she said, "that's the church I attend." She invited me to go with her. She talked with me as long as I wanted, and then prayed for me. Her prayer was heartfelt and sincere, and brought tears to my eyes. While she was getting all the pamphlets together for me, I watched a fifteen minute video on adoption. I was filled with emotion and tears were streaming down my face. I am scared of the pain that is to come if I do indeed choose adoption. I walked out of the Pregnancy Center that day with great hope. I was at complete peace with my choice of LIFE.

I really wanted to have an ultrasound on that day, but was unable to. I remember Anna sharing the fetal models they have at the center and I was able to see around the size Lily was at that gestation.

Throughout my pregnancy, I kept meaning to write Anna to tell her how much that short visit with her had deeply impacted me. I told my mom about her and just smiled whenever I thought of sweet Anna. I saw her in October at the annual pregnancy center banquet that I went to with my grandmother, but didn't say anything to her. Not everyone knew yet about my pregnancy.

I did eventually contact Anna, just not in the way I every thought I'd have to. I called the center in March of 2010 and asked her if she would attend my daughter's Celebration of LIFE burial service. She was happy to come. It means so much to me that she would attend. She has gotten to see the story unfold from the beginning.

Meeting at the center because of my pregnancy was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Since then, we have gotten together many times and I treasure our relationship. She has spoken truth into my life when I needed to hear it and has been a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Isn't it amazing how God brings good things into our lives in ways we never could have expected?

On New Year's Eve 2011, Anna got married and she asked me to be her wedding photographer! She said what I thought...who would have ever imagined when we first met that one day I would be photographing her wedding! Anna has since had a sweet daughter and is currently pregnant again.

Anna and I

A couple years ago, I asked Anna for her version of when I first came into the center. These words mean so much to me:

I remember the day you (Hannah) walked into the Center with your boyfriend at the time. I remember that you looked scared and a bit down, very down. But in your eyes was a spark of the desire to have hope. You sat down on the couch opposite me, hungry for some direction that would give you peace in your pregnancy. I could see that things were hard between you and him, and that there was so much in your heart and to your soul that he wasn't even aware of. I could see your potential and a bit of who you really were, is what I'm trying to say. As I talked to you I felt the Spirit pouring out His story of hope to you. Choose Life.....maybe even adoption. I could tell that your character was deep, but I wasn't sure how you were feeling - what would be your outcome? As you watched the adoption video, I remember seeing that you had so much emotion welling up - your mother's heart was showing.....and being wrenched. It was in the following days ahead that I really got to see verified what I had only believed was true- as you mentioned that you were going forward, going to have your baby, and give it the best life you could. The most amazing thing of all to me was when you said you just couldn't stay with your boyfriend, but that you had to make a decision to move beyond him, for yourself but most importantly to honor God. I think I cheered at that in my office and bragged on you to the staff!! We don't see that kind of decision hardly EVER! It is rare, though we pray for it to increase. Your heart was breaking over so many losses, but you had your eye on His gain. I knew that would take you far, and, secretly I was hoping we would get to stay in touch so that I could see just how God would bless your heart of David and heart of Esther! As your baby was nearing birth, I was so excited for you....and then, my heart broke, as you told me the news that must crush every mother's most inner sensibility. I felt that loss so acutely. Little Lily was a miracle, and even her name was a testimony to your growing in His light like a flower blooming in her season. Getting to come to the funeral was a huge blessing, as I was able to be with you and also your family (who had supported the Pregnancy Centers for many years and was well known among our staff). I felt that I was getting to be there with the granddaughter of one of the PCCV matrons - your grandma Nancy Virginia Bain! Through time and after Lily's going back to be with Jesus, getting to know you personally has just been one of the sweetest treasures, like nectar bottled up from such a sweet flower of the past. I don't get to get close to all clients like I did you - they are transient, they pass in and out, etc. But, you....God allowed our acquaintance to deepen to friendship and deep sister love in the Spirit. You are so special, and I just know that His plan for you is just radiantly expansive, with impact that ripples like waves out from a rock hitting the water. You are forever precious to me and I hope we will always stay in touch!!!! Also, one of the greatest gifts you gave to me was that you would pursue God and His direction in your life relentlessly. When you could have taken the easy way, you chose HIM!! Every time you'd tell me what you were up to, I could see the little "normal" veerings as you were trying to discover the right way...the path to Life.....but, always you would end up choosing it! It brought joy and surprise to me like I hadn't felt with any other person who had sought the Center for help. You are truly unique!"

The Pregnancy Center of Central Virginia really blessed me and was there at a time that I needed hope and a listening ear. I encourage anyone who is reading this to get involved in your local pregnancy center. Whether you want to become a volunteer or make one donation or regular donations...these centers are helping women and men and their babies and they need support to continue being able to offer these things to their community! You can make an impact on lives!

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A Whisper of Encouragement

"Surely the Lord purposes precious friendships as quiet whispers of encouragement along the paths we walk." -Kala Allen (my sister-in-law)

Five years ago this month, the Lord brought a very special friend into my life. Besides Lily's father, she was the first person to know about my sweet little flower. I call it our "friendiversary." ;)

I knew about her story because Eric and Leslie Ludy, who have authored several books that have greatly impacted me, adopted her son almost six years ago, when she was 18-years-old. I had read about her and her son, Kip, on their website/blog, so I knew her name. I decided to look her up on Facebook so I could write to her and share what I was going through. I was desperate for a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on so to speak, especially from someone who would understand, someone who had walked a similar path to my own. It is hard to believe that five years ago is when I first contacted her and our friendship began. I pored my heart out to her through words on a screen. She was such a support and encouragement to me at that extremely difficult time. She prayed for me and shared her own heart and story with me. God knew what He was doing when He brought her into my life. She was a whisper of hope and encouragement.

Once I chose life for my baby, I was suddenly facing the choice between adoption and parenting. I knew that either choice would be hard to make. I was seriously considering adoption, when God was bringing me to a place of complete and total surrender. I wanted the best for my child. I pored over videos, songs, and stories about adoption. There were many tears shed over the thought of it. I just wanted the Lord's will for my life and my baby's life. I had to do what I knew God led me to do, no matter how afraid I was of other people's opinions or of what my life would look like.

Not only was Bex the first person that knew about Lily and a part of what God used to give me strength and courage as I faced an unplanned pregnancy, but she supported me throughout my entire pregnancy. She was there when I lost Lily. She's been there through it all. We have both had to let go of our babies, just in different ways. Bex lives in Colorado and I live in North Carolina, though at the time that we met, I was living in Virginia. After two and a half years of friendship, we finally met in person in 2011 when I attended Ellerslie Leadership Training in Colorado, which Eric and Leslie Ludy run. It feels like I've known her so much longer than I have.

We have had many precious times together, sharing our hearts of love for our children, sharing memories, both painful and beautiful, blog entries, songs, letters, and many laughs. I am thankful for her friendship. I have also been meaning to share that Bex got married last September and I was able to go to Colorado for her wedding (will share more about that later). :) It is quite special that I have all of our messages and emails from the time we first met.

Bex and I with Kip in 2011 at his 3rd birthday party

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What's Mine is Yours

There is a song I heard last year that I was recently thinking of again and realized I never shared it here. It is called "What's Mine is Yours" by Katherine Nelson (she shares my girl's middle name). The song really touches on many things from stillbirth to adoption to unplanned pregnancy... so many things that are close to my heart.

When I first heard the song and saw the video, I was amazed at how it tells the story of both my dear friend Bex and I. The first part of the song is about a woman who loses her baby like I did... all the excitement and plans for a new baby then your world crumbling as the doctor tells you your baby's heart has stopped beating, but "you're young, there'll be others" (I can't tell you how many times people have said that to me, as if one baby could ever replace another). Then the second part of the song is about a young woman placing her baby for adoption like Bex did. The Lord used our precious little ones to bring us together and to bless us in friendship (you can read about our friendship HERE. We both had unplanned pregnancies as young women). As Bex said when I first shared the song with her, it's like it was written for us/our friendship. Listening to it reminds me of precious times we've had together, sharing our hearts and our love for our children.

Anyways, the song is really moving and beautiful. You can watch the music video for it below or by clicking HERE. I have included the lyrics as well as some reflections.

What's Mine is Yours

by Katherine Nelson and Deanna Harper

Counting down days since nine months last summer

From the baby quilts to the sunshine light-switch cover

All the plans she made

Wall-papered dreams she made for him someday

Doctor hardly glanced her way shut off the monitor

As he walked out the door said “You’re young, there’ll be others”

No sirens or loud screams

No rushing or comforting

It was just over

On the longest road toward home

She parked in the church lot and cried

And said

What’s mine is yours

It’s always been

What slips through my hands has your fingerprints on it

I’m letting go

Remembering

Though Heaven’s doors feel shut they’re wide open

What’s mine is yours

Teenage girl clinging to the gates of mercy

Holding the weight of the world and her newborn baby

Trying her best to be brave

Wrapped in hope giving him away to a longing family

When her courage met their eyes she saw

Somehow her baby was born to be in their arms

And cried

(Chorus)

In this life we come and go and say goodbye

But there’s more than we can see with our own eyes

And when my faith’s a thread-bare blanket and I can’t take it anymore

I remember

What’s mine is yours

I’m letting go

Remembering

Though Heaven’s doors feel shut they’re wide open

What’s mine is yours

I pray that I never lose sight of the truth that what's mine is the Lord's. I was never promised I would get to raise Lily. I was never even promised the time I had with her. It says in the Bible that children are a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). Lily was a gift sent from Heaven, a gift with a purpose. A gift I am more thankful for than words could express. The Lord fulfilled the purposes He sent her for then and continues to fulfill the purpose of her life and legacy now. Though she never took a breath in this world, I believe with everything in me that her legacy is alive and will have breath forever. 

"What slips through my hands has your fingerprints on it." The Lord was not surprised by Lily's death. His fingerprints are on her life and her death. His fingerprints are on my life now. 

Even when "Heaven's doors feel shut they're wide open." Even when I feel like I am forgotten in my grief, He is there. "There's more than we can see with our own eyes." God is always working, always moving, even when I can't understand what He's doing or why.

What's mine is Yours... my children, my dreams, my hopes. They are all Yours, my King... through the yearning and the pain. I surrender all to Jesus.

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A Glimpse into August '09

Since it is now August, I have been reflecting on August 2009. I am celebrating both the month of my birth and my spiritual birthday. I oftentimes talk about how it was during the month of August that the Lord intervened in my heart and life. He fought for me, rescued me, and saved my eternal life and the life of my unborn child.

Recently, I was looking through my old Facebook posts from 2008 and 2009. It is painful to look back over the years of "Facebook activity." It is honestly very telling of someone's life. I feel somewhat embarrassed if people were to look back at the things I posted. Reading and seeing some things from the past years brought up bad feelings and memories and made me feel nauseated. How much I despise the old Hannah Rose. Seeing what I wrote and posted is a part of who I once was. A part of what God brought me out of.

It is amazing that I can even see the change in my heart and life in August 2009 from what I posted on my Facebook page. They were just Facebook statuses, but to me they are evidence of the LIFE Jesus was breathing back into my dry bones.

I can witness the change within myself, just through Facebook statuses. I mean, I know what I experienced in the depths of my heart during that time where Jesus changed everything, but to read posts that I wrote - Scriptures, quotes, and lyrics God put on my heart in the midst of that season, it's just really special. I didn't remember what I posted. It is so beautiful to see how the things I posted changed suddenly and drastically. Just a couple months before this, I posted really ridiculous things about such worldly things... then, the Lord captivated my heart. He wooed me and brought me to the foot of the Cross. And I am forever changed. I stand in awe once again at the transforming work of Christ.

This picture of me was taken on my 20th birthday - August 12th, 2009. It was three days before the scheduled abortion. There are few pictures of me during this time, so it's somewhat strange to see myself then, to know what was going on inside me, the battle that was raging. I am smiling, but I'm not smiling with my entire face, with my eyes. I was empty and broken. I had no idea all that God was doing and was going to do and how I'd look back on that season, seeing how it was a crossroads in my life. I chose the path of LIFE. I chose Jesus. Little did I know how those choices I made during that month would shape my life forever. How they would shape the story God was writing for my life and how He'd use it for my good and His glory. How He'd bring me to my passion and purpose. During that month of August '09, I went to a Pregnancy Resource Center myself. Now I have Pregnancy Center Banquets booked where I will be the keynote speaker.

I took screenshots of those statuses from August and September 2009 when the transformation occurred to share exactly what I wrote and on what dates. I really want to personally keep track of this always. It was almost as if the first half of August was where the battle for my soul and my child's life was raging. Then, God really opened my heart and drastically changed everything in a short amount of time. He can heal and redeem and restore with just a single word. These posts were when He had drawn my heart back to Himself and I was completely and utterly desperate for Jesus! I had Scripture being poured over me daily and was walking through a deep time of repentance, cleansing, and healing. 

The first post is from five days after my scheduled abortion... obviously I never went! I was so desperate for Jesus.

I was surrendering my life and future and the life and future of my unborn child to the Lord, knowing that He had a perfect plan and purpose for both of us, whether that was parenting or adoption. Nobody else knew what these posts were talking about.

He showed me that if I chose LIFE, He would take care of all the details. I knew I could trust Him. I love how Bex commented on this post. :) It was that month that our friendship began and the Lord used her so much in my life! She knew what I meant when I wrote this.

He delivered me from death and my baby from death.

This was right before I was going to tell my mom that I was pregnant and the Lord was showing His faithfulness and guidance to me in so many incredible ways!

I shared the lyrics from the song "Tears of the Saints" by Leeland. I remember listening to this powerful song over and over during this time and how I would just weep. God was giving me such a heart of compassion and love for others who were like me, prodigal sons and daughters. He had led me Home and He was longing for His other children to come Home to Him. He was showing me that through my brokenness, He would give me the ability to love and serve Him and others in a way I never would have been able to if it weren't for what I had been through and what I was going through. God can truly work all the things in our lives together for good! This is an emergency - that we would love Jesus, serve Him, and bring others to the foot of the Cross. Because we are never promised tomorrow and God doesn't want anyone to perish! In Christ, we are pure, whole, redeemed, healed! So reach out your hands to Him, even though you feel so weak and undeserving.

Click HERE to listen - this is for you, Bumma ;)

Here are the lyrics to the song:

There are many prodigal sons 

On our city streets they run 

Searching for shelter 

There are homes broken down 

People's hopes have fallen to the ground 

From failures 

This is an emergency! 

There are tears from the saints 

For the lost and unsaved 

We're crying for them come back home 

We're crying for them come back home 

And all your children will stretch out their hands 

And pick up the crippled man 

Father, we will lead them home 

Father, we will lead them home 

There are schools full of hatred 

Even churches have forsaken 

Love and mercy 

May we see this generation 

In a state of desperation 

For Your glory 

This is an emergency! 

Sinner, reach out your hands! 

Children in Christ you stand! 

Sinner, reach out your hands! 

Children in Christ you stand! 

And all Your children will stretch out their hands 

And pick up the crippled man 

Father, we will lead them home 

Father, we will lead them home

You can read more posts about August 2009 and what God did in my life during that time by clicking here.

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Profiled for WORLD Magazine

About a month ago, I received an email from a reporter for the Christian news publication, WORLD Magazine, asking if I was willing to be interviewed for an article to publish on their website. Writer, Caroline Leal, read my article "Darkness to Light," posted on CNN's iReport, and was very touched by my story. Shortly after that, she visited my website and read much more about my experiences. She wanted to write about my story because she thought it would be an encouragement to their wide readership.

Of course, I immediately responded upon receiving the email and said I would be completely honored to be interviewed for WORLD. Caroline contacted me on a Monday and her deadline was that upcoming Friday, so we didn't have much time for the interviewing process. I asked to be interviewed by email, rather than by phone, so I could have time to think about and pray over my responses. I am very thankful I did it that way because some of the questions were quite in depth and difficult to answer. 

Something that's really precious about this article...Caroline wrote me and mentioned she was looking for an additional source to briefly quote in the story. She wanted to interview someone from some sort of Pregnancy Center who could comment on why my story is important and worth sharing. She had the idea to interview Anna, who she had read about on my blog. Anna is my precious friend who I met at the Center that I went to when I was early in my pregnancy with Lily. She was a counselor there. This made me extremely excited because Anna is an amazing, beautiful woman and it's so special to be in the article with someone who was such a sweet part of the story, from close to the beginning. Anna graciously agreed to be interviewed.

Caroline and I emailed back and forth for weeks and through our correspondence, a sweet friendship has blossomed. Not only did we discuss the article, but things like our mutual love for the Lord, photography, and Eric and Leslie Ludy. ;-) I truly consider Caroline a dear new friend and look forward to keeping in touch with her and hopefully one day meeting her in person. It's so amazing how God has brought so many precious friendships into my life through Luke and Lily's lives...Bex, Anna, Bonnie, Brittany, and now Caroline. :-) The promise He whispered to my heart all those years ago - that if I chose LIFE, I couldn't imagine the beauty He would bring, is still being fulfilled! It's amazing. For Lily's birthday, Caroline sent me the most precious card in the mail!

From the first email I received from Caroline to the date of publication was about a month...the month of March. Lily's special month. Caroline and I both thought how neat it was that God would work this out to happen during her month. It felt like a beautiful gift from Jesus on her birthday to share her life and legacy on a broad scale. I had really hoped the article would publish at some point in March, but it ended up publishing on April 1st due to different reasons. It was published on the day after Easter, which I think is special, as a reflection of the redemptive work Christ has done in my life through my little ones. As Caroline said to me, it was published on April 1st, the day after the end of March. New beginnings... Yes, indeed. :-)

I am so thankful WORLD was able to include my website in the article because they usually don't include links to outside sources. It is my hope and prayer, as well as Caroline's, that this article will open up more doors for me to share my story, both in speaking and writing. It has been such an amazing experience to be interviewed, to make a new friend, and to see the hand of my God. He has spoken through this entire thing that He is in control. He is sovereign over all. He has a mighty plan and purpose. All I must do is be obedient to Him and what He asks of me, one step at a time. I was obedient in sharing my story on the CNN iReport, which is how Caroline discovered my story. I am wondering who will discover my story through the WORLD article and what doors God will open next...it's such an exciting adventure, this life with Him! :-)

I was also quite pleased with the photo they chose for the article. In the photo, I am wearing the necklace my grandmother gave me on March 27th, 2010 - the day of Lily's burial. It has a heart and symbolizes the four generations - three pearls on the bottom to symbolize my grandmother, mother, and myself (living on earth), and the stone above symbolizes Lily in Heaven. How incredibly sweet and thoughtful! It was so special to have to wear to the service. It's precious that it's in the photo.

I didn't quite know what to expect with how the article would turn out and couldn't read it before it was published. But, once I did read it, I was quite pleased with the final result. Of course, it was disappointing that so much had to be left out because of length constraints. But, I thought Caroline summarized everything beautifully. She had a hard time knowing how to consolidate everything, but didn't she do a lovely job? :-) And thankfully, since my website was included, if people wish to read in greater depth, they can visit and read all they want. All my responses to the interview questions were so lengthy, so it's interesting to see how short the article ended up being and how little of my responses could be used. That's the world of writing and articles, I suppose.

It meant so much to me when Caroline told me that engaging with the material I shared with her was such a blessing and got her thinking about the importance of promoting the Pro-Life message and being an encourager to other young women facing similar situations as I once did. She said she even looked up local Pregnancy Centers that she could volunteer at in the future. 

I am so honored and blessed to have been interviewed for this magazine. The article is one of the Lead Stories published today - April 1st, 2013. I am thankful for this opportunity to be a voice for my precious Lily Katherine and Luke Shiloh, like I promised them I would be. I pray their lives and legacies will help change and save lives, in Jesus' name! And I pray my story will touch those who have had an abortion, those facing an unplanned pregnancy, and those who have lost a child. I hope those in the church will better understand those who are post-abortive and have a tender heart of mercy and compassion towards them. So many men and women are affected by this topic, both in and out of the church, and I think it's time it is discussed and time for the church to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I hope whoever reads this article will walk away with the hope of Jesus in their hearts.

Thank you, Caroline, for thinking my story is worth telling and for having the desire to tell it. You are a beautiful person and writer.

Thank you, Anna, for being willing to be interviewed and for taking part in this awesome opportunity with me. 

Thank you, WORLD Magazine, for publishing the article!

Please read and share!

Read the article here:

WORLD | Restoration for a wounded soul | Caroline Leal | April 1, 2013

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I am a Mother

The days leading up to this day set-apart to honor mothers have been tough. My own mother heart is missing the very one who made me a mother.

But, that's the thing. Not many recognize me as a mother on this day. Not many remember me on this day. Not many remember Lily on this day. Not many realize what a hard day it is for me. A day of sorrow, joy, longing, aching...

I am a mother, yes. Yet, I mother a grave. I mother a legacy. How does one learn to do this well? How does one navigate this world of loss and learning to honor and remember on these days that are supposed to be only full of happiness?

I had have a precious daughter. And she is vibrantly alive, dancing with Jesus. I birthed her into this world. I have the most adorable hand and footprints and lock of hair that prove that she was here. I have a birth certificate that says she was 21 inches long and 7 pounds, 9 ounces. She had weight in this world. And she will have weight in my life forever, as I carry her memory and legacy with me.

I have beautiful white lilies sitting on my dresser, sent to me as a surprise from a dear Ellerslie sister. Lilies that would not be there if it weren't for my own Lily. Lilies that say I am a mother.

This is already my third Mother's Day. Third. Without her. Time keeps marching on. Funny thing, isn't it? For the first two, I was out of town. That seemed to distract me some from the pain. This time though, I am home. In the time since the last Mother's Day, I forgot just how much it hurts. I am bombarded with happy ads and cards galore.

...My own little girl will never give me a card on Mother's Day with messy writing scrawled across the page, I love you, Mommy. I will never hear her call me mama, mommy, mom, mother. I will never whisper in her ear, I love you, too, sweet Lily girl.

Who knows if I'll ever be recognized as a mother on this day, in the "traditional" fashion. I don't know what God's plan for my life is. It hurts not knowing when and if I'll get to raise a child on earth, rather than just loving one in Heaven.

Maybe one day I will have another child, or maybe more...and they will probably get me a card and some flowers. And it will bring me such joy and contentment. Yet, their will always be that missing piece. That missing little girl that was mine. Is mine. And will forever be mine. The little girl that made me a mother.

Despite all these questions and hurts, I have inexplicable peace. Peace that passes all understanding. Peace that only my Jesus gives. Thank You, my King. Thank You for holding me in Your hands and being my Great Comforter. Thank You for loving my girl. Thank You that she's Your girl. Thank You for giving Your life so that she and I may live forever with You. Thank You for showing me that my love, my mother love, is small in comparison to how You love her. Thank You for Lily. Thank You for changing my life with hers. Thank You for the most precious gift I could ever receive, in her.

Lily girl, I celebrate you today.

To you, dear reader...

"Happy Mother's Day to all mother's, traditional and non-traditional, of children present and accounted for, lost and grieved over, of children born and not-yet born; your daily choice to be a mother makes you more of a mother every day, whether it feels like you thought it would or not." ~quote from a blog my friend, Bex, showed me

Whether you have a child or mother here on earth or in Heaven. Whether you made the selfless choice to place your child for adoption. Whatever your circumstances. Whatever your hurt, I pray that your day would be filled with the peace and beauty of Jesus! 

Last Sunday was International Bereaved Mother's Day. And I want to make note that just because I "celebrated" that day does not make me any less a mother on Mother's Day. I truly appreciate my friends that have also lost children giving support last week, which is why I acknowledge the day. Because I know other people "get" what a difficult time this is and acknowledge me as a mom when so many others don't. However, as my friend Morgan said of her son, I want to be celebrated as a mother with a daughter, not a mother with a dead daughter. I am still just as much a mother as anyone else with their living child. Just to be clear. My amazing friend Bex said something today that I really love. She said, "You chose to be a mommy to Lily...you chose to love her. That is what a mother does." Just because Lily is not here today doesn't make her any less real and doesn't make me as her mommy any less real. May we not forget why Mother's Day was started in the first place. It was founded by a woman named Anna Jarvis to honor her mother who experienced the death of seven of her children. These days, card companies make money, while bereaved mothers are completely forgotten.

If you know someone who has lost a child, at any age, recognize that they are still a mother and always will be. Click here to visit a website to see what grieving moms want for Mother's Day. As a grieving mother myself, I can tell you first and foremost, it brings me such joy just to hear Lily's name. Just for someone to say, "I know it's a hard day for you. I know you're missing your daughter, but you are on my heart. Happy Mother's Day."

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears." ~Author Unknown

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Sharing My Testimony at Ellerslie

I just got home after visiting Ellerslie for a week and a half. My sister graduated from her basic semester on Sunday! My, how time flies. The Lord is working mightily in her life and it's such a blessing to be a witness to it!

I was asked if I would share my testimony at Ellerslie and I, of course, said YES! It is so humbling to think that the Lord would speak through my life and story and give me opportunities to share! I know He is giving me these smaller arenas to share and if I prove faithful, He will give me more.

When I went out to Colorado, it may have briefly crossed my mind about sharing because I did last semester. But, I didn't give it much thought. I just leave it in the Lord's hands and if He wants to give me the opportunities to speak, I just say yes, Lord, I am willing. Then, when they asked me, I was delighted! What an honor and joy it is to speak of how He transformed my heart and saved a wretch like me!

As I thought more and more about sharing, I started getting extremely nervous. One afternoon, I was talking to my friend Sarah about this and the Lord really spoke through her. I realized that even though being nervous seems like the natural human response, as I began to examine the reasons for why I was nervous, I realized it was of the flesh and very selfish. I was afraid of what people would think of me. I wanted to preserve my name and reputation, as if there is anything to preserve! I wanted to sound like an eloquent, fluent speaker and was afraid of making a fool of myself. I found myself in this place of surrender and asking the Lord to use me and break me so that I cared not at all about my own name or what others thought. This is about His name and His glory! An Ellerslie audience can be a bit intimidating because not many people there have a past like mine and it can make me feel uncomfortable. Yet, the Lord has shown me that this is the best place to start sharing! These people may not have a past like mine, yet they love with the love of Christ and show His mercy and forgiveness! They see the beauty in the story and how Jesus rescues triumphantly! No matter how many times I share my story in the future, what a gift to know the first couple times were at Ellerslie to my precious brothers and sisters in the Lord. Ellerslie and the Ludy's have been such an instrumental part in my story and it is so precious to be able to share my story there.

I have been reading the book "They Found the Secret" by V. Raymond Edman, which is AMAZING and you should read it too :)! I read about the life of Samuel Logan Brengle and came across this quote:

"His ambition was to be a great speaker; and he sought the power of the Holy Spirit to that end. He rationalized that a great speaker would do more for the glory of God than one who was mediocre. Finally, in utter desperation, he prayed, "Lord, I wanted to be an eloquent speaker, but if by stammering and stuttering I can bring greater glory to Thee than by eloquence, then let me stammer and stutter!" (speaker was actually preacher in the book)

I read this and realized at a deeper level that this is not about me and sounding/looking good to the world. This is about my King's glory and His Kingdom! What a glorious revelation and freedom to say to the Lord, "Use me! I don't care how I look or sound! As long as I am in Your perfect will and bringing glory due Your name!"

I have spoken to an audience three times in the last six months. And I realized I didn't attempt to get myself any of those opportunities. It's when it's in the Lord's plan that it works. I was asked all three times to speak. And I have come to realize, He is building me for something. Something more and beyond all I can dream right now. It was so sweet to be so well received in my sharing. And I realized it won't always be this way. This story will face opposition because it represents Christ and LIFE. But, I know I must stand firm and go where He is calling me. I must share when He asks me to. In my own plans, I picture sharing at pregnancy center banquets and Pro-Life events, yet I am not sure if that's entirely the direction the Lord is leading me in. This story is about Jesus and His name being high and lifted up and I will never change what I share, depending on the audience. This is a Pro-Life story, but more than that, it is a story of LIFE IN HIM. Being Pro-Life only matters because Jesus is the Author of Life! I will never take Him out of the story, for He is the story! So, who knows...I may share at Pro-Life events, churches, youth groups, etc. But, one thing I know for sure, this is a story about the Author of LIFE!

There's nothing in me that desires to show what a wretch I am. Yet, I share because I am compelled. I was made for this, to glorify my King! I was created for such a time as this, for this battle for unborn life, this battle for eternal LIFE. And He is equipping me to fight. I know full well that as I raise my sword, the battle has already been won! Victory is His, therefore victory is mine! All things are under His feet, so all things are under mine! He has crafted me for this specific day, for this specific battle. And so He has made you for such a time as this, for whatever battle He is calling you to fight for His name and glory. Oh, may the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering!

On the day that I was to share, I was feeling so nervous that it almost made me physically sick. All my thoughts were scattered. The Lord allowed me to come face to face with my own inadequacy. I knew it would only be Him that gave me the strength. I was on my face, tears streaming, and begging Him to give me the strength to stand up and be His voice, as well as the voice of both my children. I begged Him to be with me and give me boldness and courage to expose the deepest parts of me. I asked that He would take away the nerves. I asked that this would only be about Him and everything about me would fade away. I asked that others would walk about thinking Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus and Hannah Rose wouldn't even be a thought in their minds! I didn't feel the strength, but He was asking me to step out in faith, fully trusting and knowing He would give me what I need, the moment I needed it.

I got up on that stage and as soon as I did, the nerves melted away. I have always been a shaker when I am in front of people talking. The Lord did not make me a natural speaker, so that I would need to depend upon Him. I knew it was His strength alone that swept through me as I stood up there to share. He chooses the weakest and least likely among us to showcase His strength and victory! In that moment, I felt so at peace. I thought to myself, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. This is where I belong, sharing my Jesus and the legacy of my sweet babies. I was overwhelmed with the power of the Cross. I saw myself, three years ago, in the depths of the darkness, having an abortion, living rebelliously. And I never could have dreamed in that moment where the Lord would take me. How He'd use my sin and sorrow and turn it into a glorious display of His power and sovereignty. I never could have imagined that one day, not too far away, I'd be standing on the Ellerslie stage, sharing my story!

If you know me well, you know that I can be a fast talker and if I get nervous, I talk so fast that I become breathless. Well, I didn't have trouble with that at all! I was talking slowly and distinctly, without a problem. The Lord gave me the words to articulate my experiences and what He's done in my life. I also had to rely upon Him that He would show me what details to leave out and what to keep. I had an hour to share and had never practiced sharing in a formal way, let alone in a specific time slot. The Lord gave me exactly what I needed and everything ended at the exact perfect time! I had also never shared my testimony in front of guys before, so I had to trust that the Lord would make me sensitive in what I said. Since my story is so close to my heart, it can be hard to "hold it together." I want to show the emotion behind it, but not crying hysterically, ya know? The Lord really gave me the grace to share and show my heart, yet not too much.

Oh, He is so good! If He asks you to do something, trust He will give you what you need! At the end of my talk, I shared the video tribute I made for Lily. Then, my sister got up and shared a little from her perspective. Then, it was closed out in prayer. It was such a special time. I truly felt the presence of the Lord sweep through the room after the video ended. It was such a sacred moment, for this is such a sacred story. A story that He takes very seriously. It is the living power of the Gospel displayed in my life.

During my talk, I wore my Lily footprint necklace (with her actual footprints engraved, scaled down of course.) I plan on wearing this each time I speak, holding her close to my heart. :-)

It was so neat to meet several people that have been following my blog! How special that they got to hear my story in person, with true emotion, rather than just reading it. It was such a blessing to hear the feedback and how the Lord was using His story of life and redemption in each individual life. I also got to share my testimony with numerous people individually (or with a couple people) throughout the week. Thank You, Jesus! It was extra sweet that my sister got to be there and Bex, who has been such a big part of my story. I got to hear her share her testimony last semester and she missed mine last semester, so I was so incredibly thankful she could be there this time around!

My talk was audio recorded and as soon as I figure out how to upload it somewhere, I will share it here on my blog! A few months ago, when I told Eric Ludy that I had shared my testimony, he said I should record it every time I do so I can see how the Lord grows me as a speaker. :-)

My sister snapped a couple photos for me. :-) Too bad it's not a wide lens, so you could see everyone in the Chapel

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